I think I thought I heard that you loved me

Crazy things are happening here in The Shallows. We're talking major life changes for me here. Yesterday I told you about how I became German, and now I think I've picked up a wife.

I went to the grocery store with a friend of mine to get some snacks while en route to a party. My friend didn't have any cash, so she wanted to pay for half the items with her card, but when we went through the checkout, I didn't say anything when the cashier rang everything up at once.

When she read us our total I looked at my friend and said, "Ha ha, I win."

I punched in the number for my savings club card and paid. When the cashier handed me the receipt she looked at us and said, "Thank you very much Mr. and Mrs. [Minnow]. You saved $3.98."

I need to look into whether or not this is a binding legal arrangement. This is Vegas after all, maybe our Vons cashier did have the power vested in her by the state of Nevada to legally pronounce us husband and wife.

Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers

Me: Oh man, there was this girl at the grocery store the other day, you should have seen her. She was gorgeous.

Him: Yeah?

Me: Yeah. I kept passing her while I was working my way through the aisles, then she ended up standing behind me in line at the checkout. She was hot. I couldn't stop looking at her. Not in a way that was too obvious of course, but still.

Him: Did she have a ring?

Me: No. That's the first thing I checked. If I had any sac at all I would have asked her if she had a boyfriend. The problem is, how do you pull that kind of thing off?

Him: I've never done that.

Me: Neither have I.

Him: Did you even talk to her?

Me: Yeah, but just small talk. I wouldn't even know how to go from "This sure is a long line" to "Can I have your number?"

Him: Oh, that's easy. You just say, "Long line huh? You want to come over later and see my long dick?"

Funny, I don't remember telling him that I was actually using the mascara.