You can't touch me 'cause I'm electric and if you touch me you'll get shocked

I belong to a fantasy football league. We've been doing it for four years now, and it's usually the same people who sign up for teams. It's fun to have competitions like that among friends, especially as a way of keeping in touch with those who've moved away. It also makes watching the NFL a lot more fun since every game has implications for the people who are playing (I don't know why I'm explaining this. Those who play fantasy football already get it. Those who don't think those who do are dorks). I have yet to win a championship (in this league, I did win the first year I played in a different one), but most years I've at least had a competitive team. Until this year that is. This year my team sucked, and one of my other friends won the title.

The trophy ceremony was two nights ago at a bar near campus. My friend who won asked me if I wanted to ride over with him. I did. When we got to the bar, I went to open the door of his truck, and broke the handle right off. I guess I'd forgotten my own strength. This isn't the first time something like that has happened. Here are a few other instances* where I've forgotten my own strength.

I once . . .

. . . leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy. You already know the result of that little incident.

. . . beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestling match without even realizing we were arm wrestling.

. . . sneezed and blew a freight train off the tracks.

. . . administered CPR to a guy and accidentally pushed all the way through his chest and into the pavement below. It was ok though because he turned out to be the spawn of Satan, so I did the world a favor.

. . . flattened a mountain when I fell down on it.

. . . snarled at a wolf and gave it a heart attack.

. . . flicked a booger while driving and shattered the windshield of the car behind me, which wasn't even a car, but an army tank.

. . . killed a man when a toenail clipping got away from me and penetrated his skull.







*These may or may not have actually happened.

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, more than some pretty face beside a train

Yesterday one of my co-workers was walking down the hall in our building while looking down at a piece of paper in her hand. Of course, since she was distracted, I couldn't let the opportunity pass. I ran up and startled her by acting like I was going to slap her.

After her initial reaction of jumping back, she elbowed me in the stomach. Luckily, I saw it coming and had time to flex my stomach muscles and avoid having the wind knocked out of me. She wasn't quite so lucky. She hurt her elbow.

She looked at her elbow, then at my stomach, and said with a tone of shock in her voice, "You have stomach muscles!?"