I've been here, I've been there

Reasons why the Republican Party thinks Sarah Palin is more qualified than me when it comes to foreign policy experience:

- She can see Russia from Alaska if she wants to.


Reasons why I am also qualified to be Vice President if lame crap like that counts:

- I knew where LIbya was on a map at pub trivia the other night.
- Sometimes I eat sandwiches with Swiss cheese on them.
- I like red Swedish fish the best, but have eaten all the different colors.
- I love me some German chocolate cake.
- I spent a day in Tijuana when I was seventeen.
- A gay "Hungarian" hit on me once.

You can't touch me 'cause I'm electric and if you touch me you'll get shocked

I belong to a fantasy football league. We've been doing it for four years now, and it's usually the same people who sign up for teams. It's fun to have competitions like that among friends, especially as a way of keeping in touch with those who've moved away. It also makes watching the NFL a lot more fun since every game has implications for the people who are playing (I don't know why I'm explaining this. Those who play fantasy football already get it. Those who don't think those who do are dorks). I have yet to win a championship (in this league, I did win the first year I played in a different one), but most years I've at least had a competitive team. Until this year that is. This year my team sucked, and one of my other friends won the title.

The trophy ceremony was two nights ago at a bar near campus. My friend who won asked me if I wanted to ride over with him. I did. When we got to the bar, I went to open the door of his truck, and broke the handle right off. I guess I'd forgotten my own strength. This isn't the first time something like that has happened. Here are a few other instances* where I've forgotten my own strength.

I once . . .

. . . leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy. You already know the result of that little incident.

. . . beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestling match without even realizing we were arm wrestling.

. . . sneezed and blew a freight train off the tracks.

. . . administered CPR to a guy and accidentally pushed all the way through his chest and into the pavement below. It was ok though because he turned out to be the spawn of Satan, so I did the world a favor.

. . . flattened a mountain when I fell down on it.

. . . snarled at a wolf and gave it a heart attack.

. . . flicked a booger while driving and shattered the windshield of the car behind me, which wasn't even a car, but an army tank.

. . . killed a man when a toenail clipping got away from me and penetrated his skull.







*These may or may not have actually happened.

Don't make me a target

I'm not quite sure what it is about me, but I always seem to get caught up in very random and perverted conversations. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a pervert. Sometimes the perversion is my fault. Other times, I'm just an innocent bystander in a perversion drive-by. I swear, it just seeks me out. Take the other day for example. I was talking with a couple of people I work with, and somehow we got on the topic of herpes.

Guy 1: Everyone has herpes.
Me: Not me. Maybe everyone else. I've never even had a cold sore.
Guy 1: That doesn't matter. There are like 12 different strains. Everybody has at least one of them.
Me: Well, which one do you have?
Guy 2: Whichever one comes from having dick on dick sex.

(See? Drive-by.)

Guy 1 (still trying to make his point): Have you ever had mono? That's a type of herpes.
Me (sticking to my ridiculous claim): Well, how could I have had mono then? I've never had herpes.
Guy 1: Do you breathe?
Guy 2: Your lungs are made of herpes.
Guy 1: Have you ever had tartar on your teeth? That's herpes.
Guy 2: Do you use tartar control Crest? I do. I use it because I don't want tartar totally eliminated, I just want to keep it under control.