How to upgrade your bedroom in 31 easy steps. (Yes, I'm shamelessly ripping this idea off from Dan over at [Redacted]. So what?)
1. Buy a new set of bedroom furniture from somebody on Craig's List who has had a run of bad luck.
2. Assemble the new "Big Boy" bed in your room.
3. Come to the realization that the new bed is about the only thing that you're going to be able to fit in your room.
4. Store the dressers along the side of the garage for use later in life.
5. Set about getting new blankets, sheets, etc. for the new bed that fills up your entire bedroom. (This is a must if you've just upgraded from a twin to a queen sized bed.)
6. Start off with only a vague idea of what you're looking for.
7. Go to stores that carry such things as sheets and comforters.
8. When sales people approach you to see if they can help you find something, tell them that you'll know it when you see it.
9. Go to eight different stores and not find anything you like.
10. Resort to shopping online.
11. Go to several more stores' web sites.
12. Realize that the people who design comforters do not design them with men in mind. (Presumably because most men could care less about such things, but still, why does everything in the store have to look like it was designed for an eighty year old woman?)
13. Find a bed set that isn't quite what you pictured, but is on sale, and doesn't look too bad, thus making it the best option you've seen so far.
14. Look to see if it's in stock at a store near you.
15. Once you find out that it is in stock, close your web browser and drive to the store.
16. Locate the bed set you saw online.
17. Feel it to make sure it's not made of sandpaper.
18. Look around at all the other options at the store, realize again that all comforters are made for little old ladies, then settle on the one that you initially found online.
19. Make several girls you know look at it (either in a bag in the trunk of your car, or just at the picture online) so you can be sure that it won't make it look like you're gay when someone else sees it on your bed.
20. Once the girls have assured you that it doesn't look gay, wash everything and put it on the bed.
21. Go back to the store where you made the purchase so that you can get the oversized European sham stuffers that you held off on buying initially because you weren't 100% sold on the bed set you bought.
22. Tell yourself that even though you're going to buy oversized European sham stuffers, that doesn't necessarily make you gay.
23. Grab two oversized European sham stuffers off the shelf.
24. On your way to the front of the store notice a bed set out of the corner of your eye.
25. Turn and look at the bed set and realize that it's almost exactly what you had in mind when you started looking for this stuff in the first place.
26. Realize that you can't exchange the one you bought two days ago because you've already washed it and slept in it.
27. Sulk.
28. Understand that there's nothing you can do about it other than spend $150 on a bed set you don't need and proceed to the checkout line to purchase your oversized European sham stuffers.
29. Again, tell yourself that doesn't make you gay.
30. Stuff the oversized European shams.
31. Once all the shams, pillows and throws are arranged on your "Big Boy" bed, commence writing an application form for ladies that want to help you break in your new bed to fill out.
Showing posts with label new furniture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new furniture. Show all posts
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Let's not get carried away
I had to recruit two friends to help me pick up the load of furniture I purchased from that British woman the other day, since I'm not really up to moving furniture around these days. One of my friends drives a sport utility vehicle, and said that he could fit some of the stuff in there, but I also had to borrow a truck from another friend. I was a little bit concerned that even with both vehicles we'd run out of space and have to make another trip. Luckily it didn't come to that, but apparently I wasn't the only one who'd thought that.
British Woman (after everything was loaded): When I saw you pull up with those two vehicles, I didn't think there was any way you were going to be able to fit everything. I guess I was wrong.
Friend: I wasn't worried at all. I'm used to fitting big things into tight spaces.
To my friend's credit, he followed that up with, "I've moved a few times" but only after pausing for effect.
Regardless, my other friend and I had to try our hardest not to laugh.
British Woman (after everything was loaded): When I saw you pull up with those two vehicles, I didn't think there was any way you were going to be able to fit everything. I guess I was wrong.
Friend: I wasn't worried at all. I'm used to fitting big things into tight spaces.
To my friend's credit, he followed that up with, "I've moved a few times" but only after pausing for effect.
Regardless, my other friend and I had to try our hardest not to laugh.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Where does the good go?
Recently I have benefited from the rotten side of humanity. I'm glad I did, but there's a part of me that feels guilty about it. Allow me to explain.
Sunday I was watching football with a friend of mine. During the game we started joking around about how I could get a lot more action if I put my picture up on CraigsList.
Friend: I know that people put personal ads on there, but can they upload pictures as well?
Me: I think so. Here, let's see.
Then I grabbed my laptop and took a look around. Sure enough there were plenty of people with their pictures up. Scary people for the most part. (Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm pretty sure that I'd be the cream of the crop of the CraigsList personal ads. Which is exactly why I could never put an ad out.)
After we'd had our fill of looking around at scary women (trust me, it didn't take long), I told my friend that I really ought to look around for furniture since I've been wanting to replace bed and love seat. You see, I have a confession to make. Ever since my ex-wife and I separated in 2001, I've slept on a twin bed. Sure, you might say that no adult should sleep on a twin bed, but it was free, and I've been able to manage just fine with it, but still, I figure it's way past time to upgrade. So, I looked through some of the Craigslist ads for furniture. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to see anything I liked, but the first ad I clicked on had a whole bunch of stuff that the person was trying to get rid of. There were no pictures posted with the ad, but most of the furniture listed was from Ikea, so I was able to use a Google image search to see what it looked like. Some of it looked pretty nice, so I decided I'd call and inquire (with a little prodding from my friend).
A nice sounding British woman answered the phone and told me I could come right out to have a look. I told her I couldn't make it right away (after all, I still had a football game to finish), but that I could be there in a couple of hours. I took down her address and drove across town, stopping at an ATM along the way to take out enough cash to buy the bed (which was listed at $250 for the bed frame, a queen sized pillow top mattress and box spring), and possibly one of the other items she had listed (she had dressers, a set of bedside cabinets, book shelves and two love seats). (Do I use enough parenthetical statements when I write? I don't think so. I'll have to make a conscious effort to use more.)
When I got to her apartment, she took me upstairs to show me the bed. (Before I left, my friend joked that if she was hot I should tell her that I needed to really test the mattress out before deciding to buy, but alas she was not, so no porno type situations broke out.) I liked the bed, and then told her I'd possibly be interested in the dresser. She told me that if I bought the one dresser, she'd throw the second one in for free, because it had a broken drawer that she didn't have time to try and fix. I also saw the bedside cabinets, and liked them, but couldn't decide which I'd rather buy with the little bit of extra cash that I had on hand. I also couldn't remember what her asking price was, and here's where the rotten side of humanity comes into play.
As I mentioned earlier, the woman was British, meaning that she is not a U.S. citizen. She was married, and they had two children together, but they got divorced about three years ago. She's been able to live in the country since then, but her ex had maliciously done something to block her green card application so she couldn't work. She's been living on his alimony and child support payments since then. According to her, she could count the number of times this guy has seen his two kids (who were adorable, by the way: Eleven and ten years old) over the past three years on two hands. He hasn't even bothered to see them on holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, or birthdays. The reason this comes into play is that he quit paying alimony and child support so she's being evicted from her apartment. Unfortunately for her and her kids, the fact that she never got a green card came into play, and she's basically being deported, having to leave the country by the end of January.
Unfortunately for her. Fortunately for me. When I told her that I was possibly interested in the dresser and bedside cabinets, she said she'd sell me all of it for $250, and offered to throw in two lamps. Since I'd planned on spending that much on just the bed, I jumped on the offer. Then decided I'd take a look at the bookshelf as well. I offered her $320 (all the cash I had in my wallet) to let me take everything I'd been interested in. She accepted. Most likely because she was desperate for money, and worried about having to throw the stuff away if she didn't sell it. So, to recap, I bought a new bed, box spring, mattress, two dressers, two bedside cabinets, two lamps and a bookshelf for less than the price of a new queen sized bed, all because some dirt bag was successful in getting his kids and ex-wife shipped off to another continent. Granted, it's all Ikea, which is synonymous with cheap, but I feel as though I've upgraded significantly. Now if I can just figure out where to put everything.
Sunday I was watching football with a friend of mine. During the game we started joking around about how I could get a lot more action if I put my picture up on CraigsList.
Friend: I know that people put personal ads on there, but can they upload pictures as well?
Me: I think so. Here, let's see.
Then I grabbed my laptop and took a look around. Sure enough there were plenty of people with their pictures up. Scary people for the most part. (Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm pretty sure that I'd be the cream of the crop of the CraigsList personal ads. Which is exactly why I could never put an ad out.)
After we'd had our fill of looking around at scary women (trust me, it didn't take long), I told my friend that I really ought to look around for furniture since I've been wanting to replace bed and love seat. You see, I have a confession to make. Ever since my ex-wife and I separated in 2001, I've slept on a twin bed. Sure, you might say that no adult should sleep on a twin bed, but it was free, and I've been able to manage just fine with it, but still, I figure it's way past time to upgrade. So, I looked through some of the Craigslist ads for furniture. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to see anything I liked, but the first ad I clicked on had a whole bunch of stuff that the person was trying to get rid of. There were no pictures posted with the ad, but most of the furniture listed was from Ikea, so I was able to use a Google image search to see what it looked like. Some of it looked pretty nice, so I decided I'd call and inquire (with a little prodding from my friend).
A nice sounding British woman answered the phone and told me I could come right out to have a look. I told her I couldn't make it right away (after all, I still had a football game to finish), but that I could be there in a couple of hours. I took down her address and drove across town, stopping at an ATM along the way to take out enough cash to buy the bed (which was listed at $250 for the bed frame, a queen sized pillow top mattress and box spring), and possibly one of the other items she had listed (she had dressers, a set of bedside cabinets, book shelves and two love seats). (Do I use enough parenthetical statements when I write? I don't think so. I'll have to make a conscious effort to use more.)
When I got to her apartment, she took me upstairs to show me the bed. (Before I left, my friend joked that if she was hot I should tell her that I needed to really test the mattress out before deciding to buy, but alas she was not, so no porno type situations broke out.) I liked the bed, and then told her I'd possibly be interested in the dresser. She told me that if I bought the one dresser, she'd throw the second one in for free, because it had a broken drawer that she didn't have time to try and fix. I also saw the bedside cabinets, and liked them, but couldn't decide which I'd rather buy with the little bit of extra cash that I had on hand. I also couldn't remember what her asking price was, and here's where the rotten side of humanity comes into play.
As I mentioned earlier, the woman was British, meaning that she is not a U.S. citizen. She was married, and they had two children together, but they got divorced about three years ago. She's been able to live in the country since then, but her ex had maliciously done something to block her green card application so she couldn't work. She's been living on his alimony and child support payments since then. According to her, she could count the number of times this guy has seen his two kids (who were adorable, by the way: Eleven and ten years old) over the past three years on two hands. He hasn't even bothered to see them on holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, or birthdays. The reason this comes into play is that he quit paying alimony and child support so she's being evicted from her apartment. Unfortunately for her and her kids, the fact that she never got a green card came into play, and she's basically being deported, having to leave the country by the end of January.
Unfortunately for her. Fortunately for me. When I told her that I was possibly interested in the dresser and bedside cabinets, she said she'd sell me all of it for $250, and offered to throw in two lamps. Since I'd planned on spending that much on just the bed, I jumped on the offer. Then decided I'd take a look at the bookshelf as well. I offered her $320 (all the cash I had in my wallet) to let me take everything I'd been interested in. She accepted. Most likely because she was desperate for money, and worried about having to throw the stuff away if she didn't sell it. So, to recap, I bought a new bed, box spring, mattress, two dressers, two bedside cabinets, two lamps and a bookshelf for less than the price of a new queen sized bed, all because some dirt bag was successful in getting his kids and ex-wife shipped off to another continent. Granted, it's all Ikea, which is synonymous with cheap, but I feel as though I've upgraded significantly. Now if I can just figure out where to put everything.
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