These postcards from tiny islands mean more than you know

I've been at this university so long, and taught so many labs, that I can rarely go to any sort of event without encountering someone who knows me. This was the case last weekend when I went to a football game.

We arrived early, so that we could get the best seats in the student section. As kickoff neared, more and more students trickled into the stadium. A couple of guys came to our row to meet up with some of their friends. I recognized one of them. He had taken a lab from me a few semesters ago. He saw me, said hi and shook my hand as he walked past.

His friend, who I had never seen before in my life, looked at me and said, "What are you doing here?"

"Uh. I just came to watch the game."

"But I thought you were on sabbatical right now."

"Sabbatical? No*."

"Weird**. Somebody told me you were on sabbatical in Fiji, doing fish research there."

"I wish***."

Sometimes it really is too bad that you don't get to live the life that others have envisioned for you.








*Grad students don't generally get to go on sabbatical.

**No, what's weird is that you're talking to me like you know me when I've never seen you before in my life.

***It occurred to me later that I should have gone along with it, motioned to the girl I was with, and said I'd brought her back with me. She's Mexican, but he might have bought it.

Don't be sorry, what's done now is done, and this is who you are

Last week I had to proctor another exam. I usually take a copy to thumb through between watching for cheaters and playing "Who's best?" My name showed up three different times on this one. Here are the questions:

The rate of transpiration DECLINES as which of the following occurs (in an evolutionary sense)?
a) as the surface to volume ratio of the leaves becomes larger.
b) as stomata become superficial (from recessed).
c) as guard cells become more common on the upper side of the leaf.
d) as the cuticle becomes thinner.
e) as the leaf produces numerous trichomes.
f) [Female Student] shall speak into the microphone on this question. And to think that [Minnow] asked me to ask her to talk, well, let us say "not clean", the nerve of this guy...


Internal fertilization might be selected for because of which of the following?
a) fewer sperm required.
b) allows mobility of the female partner.
c) creates a period of extended parental care.
d) confers immunity to female partner.
e) none of the above applies.
f) I should like to consult [Minnow] on this issue, he is a wellspring of knowledge on the subject.


Species diversity in general increases as which of the following occurs?
a) heterogeneity declines.
b) wetness declines.
c) frequency of radial symmetry increases.
d) area increases.
e) temperature decreases.
f) wherever [Minnow] has priorly tread, or so the theory goes [legend has it he has speciated fifty times if you know what I mean...]


I no longer need to wonder how certain rumors about me get spread among the ranks of undergraduates.

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors

Don't you hate it when there's a rumor about you that you vehemently deny, and then you go and do something stupid to validate that rumor in everyone else's eyes. For example, let's say that there was a nasty rumor going around that you had slit the throats of your ex-wife and her new lover, and that rumor had been going around for years, and then you get arrested for armed robbery and everyone's all like, "I knew it. I knew he was capable of that sort of thing."

Or, say that people liked to go around telling everyone about how much you hate dogs. You insist that you don't hate dogs at all, but nobody believes you because every time a dog comes around you refuse to pet it. And then someone spots you coming out of Michael Vick's house covered in dog blood. Then all your friends would be like, "See? I told you that he hated dogs." But they'd only say it behind your back, and to your face they'd be all nice and stuff. Your friends suck.

Well, you know what's worse than that? When rumors are validated in people's minds without you necessarily doing anything to perpetuate it. For example, say that you were a biology lab instructor who was divorced, thin, and had an earring. Obviously you must be gay. Duh!

Also, unfounded rumors can start if you're a biology lab instructor who sometimes teaches lectures during the summer when no professors want to do it, and one day you tell some of your students to meet you at your office at a certain time, except then you forget to meet them there. Instead, you go and do some lab work for your dissertation research, but then your friend has to call you to remind you that you have students waiting for you so you tell him to tell them to sit tight and you'll be there as soon as you can. Well, if this describes anything that you've ever done, then obviously your students were having to wait outside your office because you were banging one of your female students in your office. This simply must be true, even though the other students were waiting outside your office, and you came from somewhere else on campus. It also means that this sort of thing happens all the time. Obviously.

You should really stop sleeping with your students. Perv.

You should also stop attending dog fights at Mike Vick's house.

While you're at it, stop slashing your ex-wives' and their boyfriends' throats. Oh, and stop being gay.

Found out about you

Friend: So, have you heard any rumors about me lately?
Me: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I heard something just the other day.
Friend: Well, it's true.
Me: You're gay?*
Friend: I guess I should have found out what the rumor was before I confirmed it, huh?**





* Not the actual rumor I heard.
** But now that it's been confirmed, it'll have to be the one I spread.

Some things will never be different

I found out who the girl who supposedly had a crush on me was. It turns out it was a false alarm. I suspected that would be the case, people always seem to read too much into a situation where they'd like to see something happen. In this case, he had seen me talking to this girl on a few occasions, and then she had some nice things to say about me on an evaluation, mostly that lab was fun and that I was approachable and nice. That was it, nothing more, so I'm not sure where he got the idea about her having a crush. I guess there's always next semester, right?

My parents used to do the same thing when I was in high school. I was good friends with a girl from the time I was in fifth grade until we moved away when I was a Junior (we're still in touch and she just had her second baby). She and I did a lot of things together, but romance was never one of them. It was more like she was a sister or something. In fact, I remember finding it odd when I'd hear other guys talk about how hot she was because I never looked at her that way. Of course, my parents would go around talking to all their friends about how I had a girlfriend and just wouldn't admit it to them. It got kind of annoying, although I don't know why. It's not like anything my parents friends thought about me should have affected me in any way. I guess that's high school for you though, everything is about how other people perceive you.

It was talked enough around the house that my siblings started to think that too. One night she and I were walking home from a dance and my brother and one of his friends drove by. His friend had an old muscle car that he was "fixing up," but it never seemed to get past the stage of barely running and a paint job that consisted of brown and grey primer. Being such classy guys, they had one of those PA systems installed and decided to put it to use when they drove by us that night.

My Brother: "Hey baby, you wanna ride home with a real man?"

They drove down the street a little, pulled a U-turn, came back down the street and he said "I mean a real man."

She thought that was one of the funniest things. In fact, I visited her two summers ago in North Carolina and we had another good laugh about that. I have to say that all things considered, she ended up with a much better catch than me (or my brother). Her husband is a doctor and an all around great guy.

One thing I know is that if I'd had as many girlfriends in my life as what other people have thought, I'd have been one busy guy. I'd probably also have an STD.

Something I can never have

Rumor has it that one of my students has a thing for me. I don't know which one, but she actually mentioned it to the professor in person and in writing. He sent me an email to goad me about it some, but wouldn't give me any details about who she is, or what she said. He just said she was pretty and seemed to like me A LOT.

I saw him in the hallway the next day and asked him about it. He still wouldn't tell me anything. Instead he told me to come by his office sometime so I could read it myself. That way he wouldn't spoil it for me.

Me: "Ok, let's go up there and you could show me right now."
Him: "I can't. I'll show you after you're done teaching."
Me: "But the semester ends next week. How am I supposed to ask her out on the last day of class if I don't know who she is by then?"