This was supposed to be a post for earlier in the week, but I kind of got sidetracked. Anyway, here's a list of things everybody should give up for Lent, religious or not:
- Smoking crack
- Stomping on the heads of rabbits
- Punching homeless men in the face
- Slipping roofies into girls' drinks
- Strangling hookers
- Fondling young boys
I'm pretty sure if at least one of my readers quits doing at least one of those things, it'll be enough to qualify me for sainthood. Or something like that.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I'm going down down down down down down down to Pussytown
[Disclaimer: If you are any member of my family, you may not want to read this post as it contains what you would consider to be pornographic images. Unless, of course, you're my brother, in which case you're going to want to see this. Heh.]
Are they gone yet? Good.
I'm going to share with you a letter I received earlier this week. Well, it's not exactly a letter per se, but it was in an envelope in my office mailbox.
I grabbed a thick envelope with my name scrawled across it out of my box. Normally I don't receive letters at work, and things that people place in my box are usually in manila envelopes. Not this one. It was just in a regular old white envelope. And did I mention it was thick?
I opened it, and inside was a sheet of paper all folded up with something inside it. It looked like one of those notes you'd get in third grade. You know the kind:
It took quite the effort to open the paper as whoever had given it to me had it all taped shut. Nevertheless, I prevailed, and unfolded the note. What was wrapped up inside it? Why nothing other than about thirty-five advertisements for strippers and escorts (aka, those cards they hand out on the Las Vegas Strip) of course!
I've picked the "tame" ones to show you here (believe me, some of them were a lot more risqué).
The note itself just said:
I have no idea who collected all those cards and wrote the note. It's not exactly the sort of thing you'd expect to be delivered at the office. But, I think it's time I went and gave "Honey" a call.
Are they gone yet? Good.
I'm going to share with you a letter I received earlier this week. Well, it's not exactly a letter per se, but it was in an envelope in my office mailbox.
I grabbed a thick envelope with my name scrawled across it out of my box. Normally I don't receive letters at work, and things that people place in my box are usually in manila envelopes. Not this one. It was just in a regular old white envelope. And did I mention it was thick?
I opened it, and inside was a sheet of paper all folded up with something inside it. It looked like one of those notes you'd get in third grade. You know the kind:
It took quite the effort to open the paper as whoever had given it to me had it all taped shut. Nevertheless, I prevailed, and unfolded the note. What was wrapped up inside it? Why nothing other than about thirty-five advertisements for strippers and escorts (aka, those cards they hand out on the Las Vegas Strip) of course!
I've picked the "tame" ones to show you here (believe me, some of them were a lot more risqué).
The note itself just said:
I have no idea who collected all those cards and wrote the note. It's not exactly the sort of thing you'd expect to be delivered at the office. But, I think it's time I went and gave "Honey" a call.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I am trying to break your heart
[And now, once again, it's time for some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be dispensing relationship advice.]
Things not to say to your significant other*:
- I'm sorry. I wanted so much more, but instead I settled for you.
- I've never, not once, found you attractive.
- Your voice grates on my nerves.
- I'm only with you because I felt sorry for you.
- What do I see in her? Well, for starters, she's pretty.
- Go ahead, do it, and I'll break your fucking head open.
*Unless you want the relationship to end right then.
Things not to say to your significant other*:
- I'm sorry. I wanted so much more, but instead I settled for you.
- I've never, not once, found you attractive.
- Your voice grates on my nerves.
- I'm only with you because I felt sorry for you.
- What do I see in her? Well, for starters, she's pretty.
- Go ahead, do it, and I'll break your fucking head open.
*Unless you want the relationship to end right then.
Monday, February 23, 2009
They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank
As long as I've been driving, I've been aware that there are some drivers out there who believe that they are better than everyone else. They think that their time is more important, and therefore they are justified in cutting people off, weaving in and out of traffic, waiting until the last possible second before merging when a lane ends, driving on the shoulder or in the turning lane for extended periods, etc.
Recently, I've conducted an observational study on Las Vegas traffic patterns in order to determine the types of people who behave in such a way. I've made mental notes* about the types of vehicles that I most commonly see doing any of the aforementioned things. To determine if there is a financial component to such behavior, I assigned vehicle type to one of four categories: Sport Car/Luxury Vehicle, Sport Utility Vehicle, Practical Cars (e.g., Honda Accord, Toyota Camry, etc.), and Old Cars (e.g., Ford Tempo, Geo Metro, etc.).
Results showed that there was no significant** difference between erratic drivers in Sport/Luxury Cars and those in SUVs (p=0.4556). However, there was a significant difference in bad driving between both those groups and drivers in practical cars, as well as drivers in old cars (p<0.0001).
These findings are even more astounding when one considers the proportion of each of these vehicle categories with respect to the total number of vehicles on the road. While Sport/Luxury Cars only make up a small percentage of the number of vehicles on the road, the number of observed instances where those drivers behaved badly was high. Moreover, even though the proportion of SUVs and practical cars on the road was approximately the same, SUV drivers were one and a half times as likely to drive badly.
Since Sport/Luxury Cars and SUVs are far more expensive than practical (and old) cars tend to be, I am left with the conclusion that rich people are assholes.
*This study is based strictly on anecdotal evidence.
**All statistics are fabricated.
Recently, I've conducted an observational study on Las Vegas traffic patterns in order to determine the types of people who behave in such a way. I've made mental notes* about the types of vehicles that I most commonly see doing any of the aforementioned things. To determine if there is a financial component to such behavior, I assigned vehicle type to one of four categories: Sport Car/Luxury Vehicle, Sport Utility Vehicle, Practical Cars (e.g., Honda Accord, Toyota Camry, etc.), and Old Cars (e.g., Ford Tempo, Geo Metro, etc.).
Results showed that there was no significant** difference between erratic drivers in Sport/Luxury Cars and those in SUVs (p=0.4556). However, there was a significant difference in bad driving between both those groups and drivers in practical cars, as well as drivers in old cars (p<0.0001).
These findings are even more astounding when one considers the proportion of each of these vehicle categories with respect to the total number of vehicles on the road. While Sport/Luxury Cars only make up a small percentage of the number of vehicles on the road, the number of observed instances where those drivers behaved badly was high. Moreover, even though the proportion of SUVs and practical cars on the road was approximately the same, SUV drivers were one and a half times as likely to drive badly.
Since Sport/Luxury Cars and SUVs are far more expensive than practical (and old) cars tend to be, I am left with the conclusion that rich people are assholes.
*This study is based strictly on anecdotal evidence.
**All statistics are fabricated.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Lazy fish crisscrossing endless seas will lay their golden eggs right in your hand
If the economy was better, and if I had a job lined up for after I graduate, and if I didn't have too much other crap to have to pay for, I would so buy a bunch of these.
They're certainly not very classy, but perfect for a guy like me. I may end up buying them anyway.
They're certainly not very classy, but perfect for a guy like me. I may end up buying them anyway.
Friday, February 20, 2009
If it was ugly it's uglier now
Friend: Nice coochie cutters.
Me (excitedly): Where?
Friend: Right there.
I look over and see a guy wearing short shorts.
Me: You idiot. Those aren't coochie cutters. They're nut-huggers.
Friend: So they are.
Me: What a disappointment. You really had my hopes up.
Me (excitedly): Where?
Friend: Right there.
I look over and see a guy wearing short shorts.
Me: You idiot. Those aren't coochie cutters. They're nut-huggers.
Friend: So they are.
Me: What a disappointment. You really had my hopes up.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
During this week's trivia contest, Trivia Guy asked a question about where a flag with a white Bauhinia blakeana flower on a red background would fly. The obvious answer is a flagpole, but we knew that wasn't what he was looking for, so we took a guess at what countries had recently become sovereign.
I'm not sure what our final answer was, but I think it was one of the 'new' eastern European countries.
We were wrong. It was Hong Kong.
Asian Girl on our Team(after hearing the answer): Oh. I saw that flag all over the place when I was there.
Me: Wait. You've seen that flag and we still missed the question?
Girl: I thought it was a red flower on a white background. Maybe I was getting it confused with Japan. Isn't their flag a red circle on a white background?
Me: Yeah.
Girl: What is that red circle supposed to be anyway?
Me: Um. The sun.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah. Because of the whole 'Land of the Rising Sun' thing.
Girl: What?
Me: Japan is known as the Land of the Rising Sun. You've never heard that before?
Girl: No.
Me: You are the worst Asian ever.
Girl: But . . .
Me (interrupting): Worst. Asian. Ever.
I'm not sure what our final answer was, but I think it was one of the 'new' eastern European countries.
We were wrong. It was Hong Kong.
Asian Girl on our Team(after hearing the answer): Oh. I saw that flag all over the place when I was there.
Me: Wait. You've seen that flag and we still missed the question?
Girl: I thought it was a red flower on a white background. Maybe I was getting it confused with Japan. Isn't their flag a red circle on a white background?
Me: Yeah.
Girl: What is that red circle supposed to be anyway?
Me: Um. The sun.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah. Because of the whole 'Land of the Rising Sun' thing.
Girl: What?
Me: Japan is known as the Land of the Rising Sun. You've never heard that before?
Girl: No.
Me: You are the worst Asian ever.
Girl: But . . .
Me (interrupting): Worst. Asian. Ever.
Double talkin' jive get the money motherfucker 'cause I got no more patience
I mentioned once before that I unintentionally masterminded a criminal operation during my employment at a certain shipping company. (What can brown do for you? Give you back problems for life. That's what.) For some reason, I've been reminded of that a lot lately. Probably because I've been seeing a lot of big brown trucks on the road, but I digress.
When I moved to Vegas to start work on my Ph D, I transferred to a center in Vegas. I'd worked for Big Brown for a long time already, so had moved up the pay scale enough to make it worth it. (Or so I thought. That was before needing back surgery. Nothing's worth that.) The thing that sucked was that everything in that company is based on seniority, and once you transfer to a new location, you lose all of it and have to start back at the bottom of the list. That part I didn't mind either. At least not at first. I'd always said I preferred doing the grunt work where you were just paid to move as fast as possible, without being responsible for making anything neat and orderly. The stress level was much lower that way. However, I was good at the other stuff. Loading trucks (as opposed to unloading) and making everything fit. So, while I lost my seniority, and spent the first few weeks at the new building doing the less stressful stuff, it didn't take long for management to figure out that I was better utilized elsewhere. They assigned me to fill in for anyone who was on vacation, injured, or sick. The sick calls were the worst because if someone was going on vacation they would usually try to give you a day working with that person so he/she could try to show you where things went. Regardless, it was tough being in a different part of the warehouse every day, with no time to really learn the specific areas/trucks that I was loading. But, I did get to know many of the different people around the building. And I got to see many different parts of the operation.
So, after bouncing around for a while (before I eventually got sick of it and gave them an ultimatum: give me regular trucks or I'm going to quit), I was assigned to fill in for a guy who'd broken his leg in a car accident. I loaded his trucks for the entire time his leg was healing, so got to know some of the people in that area pretty well. At least on a superficial level. One day they were talking about how much merchandise got moved through the building on any given day, and how they wished you could just pick a package to take home with you once a month or so. It was something the employees would often joke about, even before I transferred, so I didn't think much of it, but I did say that if given the option you could really do well for yourself if you just learned what to pick and choose. Knowing the businesses that are on the routes you loaded for would definitely help decide what to pick. You know, if given the option. Jewelers, auto shops (especially those that deal with expensive rims), electronics stores, etc. would all get packages that you could take and sell for profit, even if you sold the stuff at a much reduced price. It's the idea behind every pawn shop, right?
Anyway, a few of the guys started talking about how it's just too bad that you couldn't do it and get away with it. I mentioned that I didn't think it'd be that hard*, and it really wouldn't have been. They asked me to elaborate, so I did. I told them exactly what I'd do and how I'd do it.
Fast forward to about six to nine months later. One day four people didn't show up to work. Rumor was that they'd been arrested for stealing from the company. It turned out, they'd taken my "advice" and set up an operation where they were regularly stealing packages. They got caught because they got sloppy (and greedy). Rumor was that the police found them in a storage unit with an estimated $60,000 worth of stolen merchandise that they were trying to move. It's probably a good thing they never clued me in nor offered to pay me my cut.
*For my entire life I've been convinced that I could do anything I wanted to and get away with it. As long as I put a lot of thought into it and as long as it was just one time. I still believe that. After all, our system is set up to catch stupid people and repeat offenders. If you're smart about a crime, and only do it once, you don't give the police anything else to work on. Again, it has to be well thought out, and you have to avoid bad luck while executing your plan, but you get my point.
When I moved to Vegas to start work on my Ph D, I transferred to a center in Vegas. I'd worked for Big Brown for a long time already, so had moved up the pay scale enough to make it worth it. (Or so I thought. That was before needing back surgery. Nothing's worth that.) The thing that sucked was that everything in that company is based on seniority, and once you transfer to a new location, you lose all of it and have to start back at the bottom of the list. That part I didn't mind either. At least not at first. I'd always said I preferred doing the grunt work where you were just paid to move as fast as possible, without being responsible for making anything neat and orderly. The stress level was much lower that way. However, I was good at the other stuff. Loading trucks (as opposed to unloading) and making everything fit. So, while I lost my seniority, and spent the first few weeks at the new building doing the less stressful stuff, it didn't take long for management to figure out that I was better utilized elsewhere. They assigned me to fill in for anyone who was on vacation, injured, or sick. The sick calls were the worst because if someone was going on vacation they would usually try to give you a day working with that person so he/she could try to show you where things went. Regardless, it was tough being in a different part of the warehouse every day, with no time to really learn the specific areas/trucks that I was loading. But, I did get to know many of the different people around the building. And I got to see many different parts of the operation.
So, after bouncing around for a while (before I eventually got sick of it and gave them an ultimatum: give me regular trucks or I'm going to quit), I was assigned to fill in for a guy who'd broken his leg in a car accident. I loaded his trucks for the entire time his leg was healing, so got to know some of the people in that area pretty well. At least on a superficial level. One day they were talking about how much merchandise got moved through the building on any given day, and how they wished you could just pick a package to take home with you once a month or so. It was something the employees would often joke about, even before I transferred, so I didn't think much of it, but I did say that if given the option you could really do well for yourself if you just learned what to pick and choose. Knowing the businesses that are on the routes you loaded for would definitely help decide what to pick. You know, if given the option. Jewelers, auto shops (especially those that deal with expensive rims), electronics stores, etc. would all get packages that you could take and sell for profit, even if you sold the stuff at a much reduced price. It's the idea behind every pawn shop, right?
Anyway, a few of the guys started talking about how it's just too bad that you couldn't do it and get away with it. I mentioned that I didn't think it'd be that hard*, and it really wouldn't have been. They asked me to elaborate, so I did. I told them exactly what I'd do and how I'd do it.
Fast forward to about six to nine months later. One day four people didn't show up to work. Rumor was that they'd been arrested for stealing from the company. It turned out, they'd taken my "advice" and set up an operation where they were regularly stealing packages. They got caught because they got sloppy (and greedy). Rumor was that the police found them in a storage unit with an estimated $60,000 worth of stolen merchandise that they were trying to move. It's probably a good thing they never clued me in nor offered to pay me my cut.
*For my entire life I've been convinced that I could do anything I wanted to and get away with it. As long as I put a lot of thought into it and as long as it was just one time. I still believe that. After all, our system is set up to catch stupid people and repeat offenders. If you're smart about a crime, and only do it once, you don't give the police anything else to work on. Again, it has to be well thought out, and you have to avoid bad luck while executing your plan, but you get my point.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
One day it'll take and they'll start to make shirts that fit right
Tortellini: Thanks for the shirt, Dad.
Me: You're welcome. I shouldn't have spent so much, but I like to spend money when I'm depressed. So basically, you're the beneficiary of my depression.
Tortellini: Yay!
Me: You're welcome. I shouldn't have spent so much, but I like to spend money when I'm depressed. So basically, you're the beneficiary of my depression.
Tortellini: Yay!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Peanut butter jelly time
Friend: I finally got the rest of my home theater set up. I bought some towers to go in front, so I moved those other speakers behind.
Me: That's cool. So now you and your cat can cuddle up and watch a movie together for Valentine's Day.
Friend: Oh, we already celebrated.
Me: Yeah?
Friend: Yeah. I packed my butthole with peanut butter and made my cat lick it out.
Can you believe that? Peanut butter? I mean, doesn't he even care if his cat gets Salmonella?
Me: That's cool. So now you and your cat can cuddle up and watch a movie together for Valentine's Day.
Friend: Oh, we already celebrated.
Me: Yeah?
Friend: Yeah. I packed my butthole with peanut butter and made my cat lick it out.
Can you believe that? Peanut butter? I mean, doesn't he even care if his cat gets Salmonella?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Public pervert
Last night Tortellini spent the night at a friend's house. This morning she called me to see if I could pick her and another girl up and take them home. She started to give me directions, but I didn't have anything to write with, so I just told her to meet me by the middle school in the neighborhood because I knew how to get there.
I pulled up to a four way stop right by the school, then saw Tortellini and two of her friends sitting on the sidewalk. I pulled up real slow, and looked over at them hoping that Tortellini would see me. Her friend saw me first, and thought I was checking them out instead.
Friend: Gross. That guy's a perv.
Tortellini: That's my dad.
I think they were both right.
I pulled up to a four way stop right by the school, then saw Tortellini and two of her friends sitting on the sidewalk. I pulled up real slow, and looked over at them hoping that Tortellini would see me. Her friend saw me first, and thought I was checking them out instead.
Friend: Gross. That guy's a perv.
Tortellini: That's my dad.
I think they were both right.
Yeah that's right, I'm the egg man
The other day I was standing in line at the post office so I could send off a lab mates' samples since he had to leave town suddenly. There was a family with four kids under the age of six standing in front of me. (I thought, "What is this? Utah?")They were there to get passports.
I crinkled the padded envelope in my hand, and one of the little girls (probably about 5) asked "What is that?"
"Um. Actually, they're DNA samples."
"I'm allergic to eggs."
"You are?"
"Yeah."
Her dad chimed in with "Are you really allergic to eggs? Or do you just not like them?"
She answered, "I'm just allergic to raw ones. But I can eat them if they're in cookies."
It's good to know she can have cookies. I can't even imagine how deprived my childhood would've been without cookies.
I crinkled the padded envelope in my hand, and one of the little girls (probably about 5) asked "What is that?"
"Um. Actually, they're DNA samples."
"I'm allergic to eggs."
"You are?"
"Yeah."
Her dad chimed in with "Are you really allergic to eggs? Or do you just not like them?"
She answered, "I'm just allergic to raw ones. But I can eat them if they're in cookies."
It's good to know she can have cookies. I can't even imagine how deprived my childhood would've been without cookies.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Call it education it was somewhere in between
Thursday night. Last lab of the day. Most of the students are gone, but the diligent ones are making sure they've seen everything. As they're nearing the end of it, one group starts talking about going out for drinks afterward since apparently nobody has classes on Friday anymore.
Student 1: [Minnow] do you want to come out with us tonight?
Me: No.
Student 1: Why?
Me: For one, you're my students. But even if you weren't, I need to get up early tomorrow so I'm going to go home and go to bed.
Student 2 (who earlier had been talking about how he'd been dumped by his girlfriend of five years: Are there going to be women where you're going tonight?
Student 3: Why are you asking that? You of all people should know that women are nothing but trouble anyway.
Student 2: That's true.
Student 4: I know. We really are trouble. I don't even know what you guys see in us.
Student 1: I know what we see in you.
Student 4: There is that.
Student 2: No, I don't need that. I can take care of that myself.
Me: Alrighty then. How about we change to a new subject?
Student 5 (pointing to her lab manual): Yes, let's change the subject. So, getting back to lab stuff, I was wondering if you could help me answer this question.
[The Question: Most ferns are monoecious, having antheridia and archegonia on the same gametophyte. How might a plant like this avoid self fertilization?]
Me: I thought we were going to change the subject.
Student 1: [Minnow] do you want to come out with us tonight?
Me: No.
Student 1: Why?
Me: For one, you're my students. But even if you weren't, I need to get up early tomorrow so I'm going to go home and go to bed.
Student 2 (who earlier had been talking about how he'd been dumped by his girlfriend of five years: Are there going to be women where you're going tonight?
Student 3: Why are you asking that? You of all people should know that women are nothing but trouble anyway.
Student 2: That's true.
Student 4: I know. We really are trouble. I don't even know what you guys see in us.
Student 1: I know what we see in you.
Student 4: There is that.
Student 2: No, I don't need that. I can take care of that myself.
Me: Alrighty then. How about we change to a new subject?
Student 5 (pointing to her lab manual): Yes, let's change the subject. So, getting back to lab stuff, I was wondering if you could help me answer this question.
[The Question: Most ferns are monoecious, having antheridia and archegonia on the same gametophyte. How might a plant like this avoid self fertilization?]
Me: I thought we were going to change the subject.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Your menstruating heart
Yesterday in lab after I answered some questions for a group of students:
Student 1: My uncle's a doctor, which is kind of weird, because he says to come see him for my check-ups, but he's a gynecologist.
Student 2: Really? I need him to give me some pills.
Student 1: Do you have any idea how bad that sounded?
Student 2: Not like that. I just need some birth control. Right now I'm on the shot, but my flow is really heavy.
Me: Something tells me that I don't need to be here for this conversation.
Student 2: I'm serious. Don't ever get a depo prevera shot.
Me (walking away): I promise you I won't.
Student 1: My uncle's a doctor, which is kind of weird, because he says to come see him for my check-ups, but he's a gynecologist.
Student 2: Really? I need him to give me some pills.
Student 1: Do you have any idea how bad that sounded?
Student 2: Not like that. I just need some birth control. Right now I'm on the shot, but my flow is really heavy.
Me: Something tells me that I don't need to be here for this conversation.
Student 2: I'm serious. Don't ever get a depo prevera shot.
Me (walking away): I promise you I won't.
Smoke a cigarette and smile
Every morning when I drop Tortellini off at school there are groups of kids standing on the street and smoking. As I pulled up to the curb this morning we passed by one of these groups.
Me: Should I have dropped you off with the smoker kids?
Tortellini: No.
Me: Are you sure? That one guy looked kinda hot.
Tortellini: Yeah. And he's gay.
Me: Should I have dropped you off with the smoker kids?
Tortellini: No.
Me: Are you sure? That one guy looked kinda hot.
Tortellini: Yeah. And he's gay.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Someone, somewhere, so help me settle what is on my mind
Me: It's not often you see an Asian girl with blonde hair.
Friend: Or dressed like that.
Me: I'd do bad things to her.
Friend: If anything, I'm guessing she'd do bad things to you.
Me: I'd be ok with that.
Friend: Or dressed like that.
Me: I'd do bad things to her.
Friend: If anything, I'm guessing she'd do bad things to you.
Me: I'd be ok with that.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
He said "the soapmakers and we are workin' workin'"
THIS is one of the many reasons why I hate sharing a bathroom.
On the bright side, at least I don't have to share the soap.
On the bright side, at least I don't have to share the soap.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
My friends are talkin' and they're tellin' you, "Just leave him alone 'cause the boy's bad news."
Saturday night I saw Eagles of Death Metal play at the Hard Rock. They weren't the main draw of the night. No, that would be Motley Crue who were closing out The Joint, and filling the casino with butt rockers as they did so. We were on the other side of the casino, with the cool kids. By cool kids, I mean me and my friend who came to town for the show.
If you've never heard of Eagles of Death Metal, these pictures should tell you just about everything you need to know.
They're ridiculous, but they embrace their ridiculousness. This is obvious when you listen to some of their lyrics. Things such as "I want you so hard, I want you so good", "I can raz-a-ma-taz you honey if you want me to", "I used to didn't dance too good", "I'll tell you anything baby except the truth", "I can be your daddy, be your rock 'n rolla', you can be my baby be my cherry cola", "shit goddamn I'm a man I'm a man", and my personal favorite "guitar like a monkey gonna lick your brain".
To be honest, I didn't really feel like going to the show based on recent events, but I'm glad I did. I think they're better live than they are on their albums. Besides, it helped me not think of rejection for a few hours. Always a plus.
Some highlights of the evening
- We thought we were late for the concert, but then walked right past the lead singer on the casino floor.
- Text messaging SilentKid:
Me: [Friend] wants to find some fat chicks to make out with*.
SilentKid: You guys suck.
Me: On fat chicks.
- Seeing the band take the stage with one of them wearing a shirt that read "68: you blow me and I'll owe you one."
- The lead singer breaking out a comb and running it through his ridiculous mustache while giving the crowd a seductive look.
- Standing next to a hot Asian chick with red hair for most of the show. We almost had a real audible connection.
- Seeing the lead singer accidentally hit the other guitar player in the face with his guitar.
- A fat chick** in the audience started a fight with another woman. It could well be the best thing I've ever witnessed***.
- After messing up on one of the songs, the lead singer asked the crowd, "If I fuck up the words, will you promise not to hold it against me as long as I promise to shake my dick just right?"
*SilentKid and my other friend came to Vegas for a weekend when I first moved here. I've seen SilentKid many times since then, but this was the first I'd seen my other friend. That weekend he made me and SilentKid wait on The Strip until 1 a.m. so he could go to a casino that offered $1 margaritas. His plan was to get five for $5 and slam them one after the other. He carried out the plan, but the margaritas were so small, it was really only like pounding one. Talk about anti-climactic. The only thing that made it worth it to the rest of us was that we got flashed by a woman in a taxi cab while walking to the casino. You've got to love Vegas. He's also the guy that inadvertently started my infatuation with Asian women, but that's a story for another time. All throughout the weekend he kept saying how he wanted to "get drunk and find some fat chicks to make out with." He didn't remember that when I reminded him of it, and said that was one reason why it was good that he quit drinking.
**I didn't make out with her, nor did my friend.
***A little hyperbole there for you.
If you've never heard of Eagles of Death Metal, these pictures should tell you just about everything you need to know.
They're ridiculous, but they embrace their ridiculousness. This is obvious when you listen to some of their lyrics. Things such as "I want you so hard, I want you so good", "I can raz-a-ma-taz you honey if you want me to", "I used to didn't dance too good", "I'll tell you anything baby except the truth", "I can be your daddy, be your rock 'n rolla', you can be my baby be my cherry cola", "shit goddamn I'm a man I'm a man", and my personal favorite "guitar like a monkey gonna lick your brain".
To be honest, I didn't really feel like going to the show based on recent events, but I'm glad I did. I think they're better live than they are on their albums. Besides, it helped me not think of rejection for a few hours. Always a plus.
Some highlights of the evening
- We thought we were late for the concert, but then walked right past the lead singer on the casino floor.
- Text messaging SilentKid:
Me: [Friend] wants to find some fat chicks to make out with*.
SilentKid: You guys suck.
Me: On fat chicks.
- Seeing the band take the stage with one of them wearing a shirt that read "68: you blow me and I'll owe you one."
- The lead singer breaking out a comb and running it through his ridiculous mustache while giving the crowd a seductive look.
- Standing next to a hot Asian chick with red hair for most of the show. We almost had a real audible connection.
- Seeing the lead singer accidentally hit the other guitar player in the face with his guitar.
- A fat chick** in the audience started a fight with another woman. It could well be the best thing I've ever witnessed***.
- After messing up on one of the songs, the lead singer asked the crowd, "If I fuck up the words, will you promise not to hold it against me as long as I promise to shake my dick just right?"
*SilentKid and my other friend came to Vegas for a weekend when I first moved here. I've seen SilentKid many times since then, but this was the first I'd seen my other friend. That weekend he made me and SilentKid wait on The Strip until 1 a.m. so he could go to a casino that offered $1 margaritas. His plan was to get five for $5 and slam them one after the other. He carried out the plan, but the margaritas were so small, it was really only like pounding one. Talk about anti-climactic. The only thing that made it worth it to the rest of us was that we got flashed by a woman in a taxi cab while walking to the casino. You've got to love Vegas. He's also the guy that inadvertently started my infatuation with Asian women, but that's a story for another time. All throughout the weekend he kept saying how he wanted to "get drunk and find some fat chicks to make out with." He didn't remember that when I reminded him of it, and said that was one reason why it was good that he quit drinking.
**I didn't make out with her, nor did my friend.
***A little hyperbole there for you.
Don't want you to fall in love now so please don't start
What you don't want to hear when you finally let your guard down and tell someone how you feel.
Me: I think I've fallen in love with you.
Her: Oh no!
Me: I think I've fallen in love with you.
Her: Oh no!
Friday, February 06, 2009
Grandma take me home
Two days ago was my grandmother's 92nd birthday. I'm a horrible grandson, and never call, but figured I'd better because you never know how many more chances you'll get. Normally I run out of things to say to her after about five minutes, but this conversation lasted almost a half hour. Here's an excerpt:
Grandma: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Well, there's a girl I've been dating, but I don't really know what to call her at this point. I can't really call her my girlfriend because we haven't had that conversation yet, even though we've been seeing each other off and on for about a year and a half.
Grandma: Well, it doesn't really matter what you call her as long as you like to spend time together.
Me: Yeah, we do.
Grandma: And if it ever gets to the point where you ask her, don't do it like [Grandpa] did with me.
Me: How was that?
Grandma: One day he asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?" I just said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
Me: That's funny.
Grandma: Well, I just thought it was a stupid thing to ask a girl. He didn't deserve to get a straight answer if he was going to ask like that.
Grandma: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Well, there's a girl I've been dating, but I don't really know what to call her at this point. I can't really call her my girlfriend because we haven't had that conversation yet, even though we've been seeing each other off and on for about a year and a half.
Grandma: Well, it doesn't really matter what you call her as long as you like to spend time together.
Me: Yeah, we do.
Grandma: And if it ever gets to the point where you ask her, don't do it like [Grandpa] did with me.
Me: How was that?
Grandma: One day he asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?" I just said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
Me: That's funny.
Grandma: Well, I just thought it was a stupid thing to ask a girl. He didn't deserve to get a straight answer if he was going to ask like that.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Leave him alone 'cause the boy's bad news
Me: Have you seen Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog? If not, you should watch it.
Friend: No. What is it?
Me: It's a project that Neil Patrick Harris and a few others did during the writer's strike. It's about 45 minutes long.
Friend: Okay, I will watch during lunch. However, [Boss] is coming back to town and I have to be on my best behavior at work now.
Me: Neil Patrick Harris plays a character named Dr. Horrible who is trying to gain acceptance into the Evil League of Evil, and he's in love with a girl, and it's a musical, and it's very bizarre, and hilarious.
Friend: It sounds lame, are you SURE its funny?
Me: Yes.
Friend: And are you SURE you aren't gay?
This would be the time when I would normally say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not gay. Bring your sister over and I'll prove it." Luckily, I caught myself and remembered that my friend's sister died a few years ago. That would've been as bad as the time I used a "your mom" joke on a friend whose parents died when he was young.
Friend: No. What is it?
Me: It's a project that Neil Patrick Harris and a few others did during the writer's strike. It's about 45 minutes long.
Friend: Okay, I will watch during lunch. However, [Boss] is coming back to town and I have to be on my best behavior at work now.
Me: Neil Patrick Harris plays a character named Dr. Horrible who is trying to gain acceptance into the Evil League of Evil, and he's in love with a girl, and it's a musical, and it's very bizarre, and hilarious.
Friend: It sounds lame, are you SURE its funny?
Me: Yes.
Friend: And are you SURE you aren't gay?
This would be the time when I would normally say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not gay. Bring your sister over and I'll prove it." Luckily, I caught myself and remembered that my friend's sister died a few years ago. That would've been as bad as the time I used a "your mom" joke on a friend whose parents died when he was young.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
And if you see Johnny football hero in the hall, tell him he played a great game
While driving to Salt Lake City on Saturday I talked to Epitome-of-Sweetness on the phone. She asked who I wanted to win the Superbowl and said she was rooting for the Cardinals. I said I didn't really care who won. I don't like either team, but when it all comes down to it, I'd rather see the team who hasn't had a lot of success through the years. That tipped the scale in favor of the Cardinals*.
She said she wanted the Cardinals to win because she really liked Kurt Warner.
I said he'd be a reason for me to want the Cardinals to lose.
She was shocked. How could I not like a guy who has done so many good things? After all, he married a woman who had disabled kids. He used to bag groceries. He does charity work for disabled kids. You've heard all the stories. That's exactly why I'm sick of him. I don't care if he helps raise money to help disabled kids. He does it for self-serving reasons. Do you think he'd be actively doing that if he didn't have disabled kids of his own? I doubt it. I hate hearing about him. I especially hate hearing from him. Did you know that God helped Kurt and his team beat the Eagles in the NFC championship game? It's true! Kurt Warner said so.
I hate hearing athletes talk about God. I have news for them. You play a game. For a living. You get paid more than anybody probably should be paid to play a game. I get that. I'd do the same thing if I had the ability, but still, it's a game. God doesn't care whether you win or lose. In fact, if I had to wager on it, God would probably be pissed off that you play it on Sundays. That's not exactly keeping the Sabbath day holy as He commanded in The Bible, is it Mr. Warner?
What does God do when there are people who believe in him on both teams? Does He push the most faithful team to victory? Oh, that's right. He doesn't do anything. The outcome depends on talent, making good plays, and catching a few lucky bounces throughout the game. To presume otherwise is sheer arrogance. We won because God likes us better? The following quote by Jeff Stilson comes to mind:
" I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game—until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'"
It's the same type of thinking for people who survive a tragedy to believe they're meant to do something special in life because God spared them. So isn't that about the same as saying that the people who died did because they were somehow unworthy? Seems that way to me. People need to get over themselves.
Epitome-of-Sweetness seemed taken aback by my rant. She said that maybe I was the Anti-Christ. She said that at her old job people always said that about her, but she was thinking it applied more to me. Then she gave me a quote that I'll adopt as my own personal slogan: I'm not anti-Christ, I'm just anti-stupid-people.
*It wasn't meant to be. Maybe God doesn't like Kurt Warner as much as Kurt Warner would like to think. The end of the game was fairly entertaining, which is about all I'd hoped for.
She said she wanted the Cardinals to win because she really liked Kurt Warner.
I said he'd be a reason for me to want the Cardinals to lose.
She was shocked. How could I not like a guy who has done so many good things? After all, he married a woman who had disabled kids. He used to bag groceries. He does charity work for disabled kids. You've heard all the stories. That's exactly why I'm sick of him. I don't care if he helps raise money to help disabled kids. He does it for self-serving reasons. Do you think he'd be actively doing that if he didn't have disabled kids of his own? I doubt it. I hate hearing about him. I especially hate hearing from him. Did you know that God helped Kurt and his team beat the Eagles in the NFC championship game? It's true! Kurt Warner said so.
I hate hearing athletes talk about God. I have news for them. You play a game. For a living. You get paid more than anybody probably should be paid to play a game. I get that. I'd do the same thing if I had the ability, but still, it's a game. God doesn't care whether you win or lose. In fact, if I had to wager on it, God would probably be pissed off that you play it on Sundays. That's not exactly keeping the Sabbath day holy as He commanded in The Bible, is it Mr. Warner?
What does God do when there are people who believe in him on both teams? Does He push the most faithful team to victory? Oh, that's right. He doesn't do anything. The outcome depends on talent, making good plays, and catching a few lucky bounces throughout the game. To presume otherwise is sheer arrogance. We won because God likes us better? The following quote by Jeff Stilson comes to mind:
" I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game—until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'"
It's the same type of thinking for people who survive a tragedy to believe they're meant to do something special in life because God spared them. So isn't that about the same as saying that the people who died did because they were somehow unworthy? Seems that way to me. People need to get over themselves.
Epitome-of-Sweetness seemed taken aback by my rant. She said that maybe I was the Anti-Christ. She said that at her old job people always said that about her, but she was thinking it applied more to me. Then she gave me a quote that I'll adopt as my own personal slogan: I'm not anti-Christ, I'm just anti-stupid-people.
*It wasn't meant to be. Maybe God doesn't like Kurt Warner as much as Kurt Warner would like to think. The end of the game was fairly entertaining, which is about all I'd hoped for.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
The black book you took was permanently diversified
You know what I absolutely love? Besides candy that is. And boobs. No? Well, let me tell you. I absolutely love document delivery services (aka, interlibrary loan).
Sure, you're supposed to only use document delivery services if you've searched the library catalog without finding the book/chapter/article/document you're looking for. But you know what? If you're lazy (like me), you can request something without doing that first. If the library doesn't have it, they'll find it somewhere and email a pdf to you within a few days. If they do have it, they'll send you an email telling you that they have it and also tell you where to go find it. In other words, they do all the work.
Now, if I could just get one of them to write and defend my dissertation.
Sure, you're supposed to only use document delivery services if you've searched the library catalog without finding the book/chapter/article/document you're looking for. But you know what? If you're lazy (like me), you can request something without doing that first. If the library doesn't have it, they'll find it somewhere and email a pdf to you within a few days. If they do have it, they'll send you an email telling you that they have it and also tell you where to go find it. In other words, they do all the work.
Now, if I could just get one of them to write and defend my dissertation.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Hey monkey, when you open up your blue eyes I don't know if I'm wide awake or dreaming
During one of the Superbowl commercials:
Me: That's gross. I'd never kiss a monkey.
Flieswithoutwings: Never?
Me: Wait. I take that back. If they paid me the amount of money they paid that guy to be in their commercial, I'd totally kiss a monkey.
Flieswithoutwings: I think you'd probably kiss a monkey for a couple hundred dollars.
Me: That's gross. I'd never kiss a monkey.
Flieswithoutwings: Never?
Me: Wait. I take that back. If they paid me the amount of money they paid that guy to be in their commercial, I'd totally kiss a monkey.
Flieswithoutwings: I think you'd probably kiss a monkey for a couple hundred dollars.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Now throats'll be slashed and flags'll unfurl
They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. I was going through some old notes from a conservation biology class, and found a couple of examples that demonstrate the saying perfectly. Well, almost perfectly.
Example 1: The Cichlids
One day in class we had a prolonged discussion on the high levels of diversity of cichlid fishes in the Rift Lakes that have formed in eastern Africa. These fish represent a textbook example of an explosive radiation. There are estimates of nearly 1000 species of cichlids in these rift lakes, even though the rift lakes are relatively young in geologic time. The lakes formed as a result of plate tectonics because the plate that eastern Africa sits on is slowly pulling away from the rest of the continent. This has resulted in the formation of a deep valley that has filled up with water in some parts. Hence, any organisms living within these lakes had to get there within a relatively recent time frame, and the sheer number of species found there suggest that they must have evolved at an accelerated rate.
While the fish community represents a large amount of genetic diversity, the professor made the comment about how all the diversity might eventually be wiped out if the two plates separated completely. This would be because the rift valley would eventually fill up with sea water, which would obviously kill off any freshwater species. So it's a conundrum. While this system represents a classic example of rapid evolution (side note: there are fish so specialized in these lakes that they only eat the eyeballs or scales of other cichlids), it may also only be a blip on the screen of evolutionary time. That's if all these species eventually become extinct.
I'm not doing the conversation justice here, but I remember it as clearly as the day I sat in the classroom. However, here are the only notes I took during that conversation:
The second picture is the national flag for the country that will be sitting on the shoreline of the newly developed seaway: Dead Cichlid Nation*.
Example 2: Bees
We had another discussion about how we need to be mindful of changing environmental conditions when thinking about conservation and how it pertains to plant and animal distributions. Just because an organism occurs somewhere does not mean that it was always there, just like absence of an organism from a certain area doesn't guarantee that it's never occurred there. Anyone familiar with the fossil record knows that. This could be important when planning reserves. If possible, you want to conserve enough of an area that things can shift around if they need to. That usually isn't possible because of the financial obligations and politics, but it would be ideal.
The example our professor gave us when trying to illustrate this point was the continent of Antarctica. Today it is obviously covered with ice, but that hasn't always been the case. He mentioned a fairly recent study that talked about how Antarctica was once a much warmer place, and showed that bees migrated from Africa to South America across Antarctica (more recently than when all three continents were joined together to make up Gondwana).
Here are my notes from that discussion:
That would be the flag** for Frozen Bumblebee Nation.
*Incidentally, Dead Cichlid Nation would be one of George W. Bush's favorite countries because of the mass extinction rate associated with its formation - so glad that guy's not our president anymore.
**One of my lab mates looked at my notes while I was drawing these flags, and she interrupted the class by laughing too loud. The professor was not as amused. That may have been the reason why he started disliking me. I'm not sure about this.
Example 1: The Cichlids
One day in class we had a prolonged discussion on the high levels of diversity of cichlid fishes in the Rift Lakes that have formed in eastern Africa. These fish represent a textbook example of an explosive radiation. There are estimates of nearly 1000 species of cichlids in these rift lakes, even though the rift lakes are relatively young in geologic time. The lakes formed as a result of plate tectonics because the plate that eastern Africa sits on is slowly pulling away from the rest of the continent. This has resulted in the formation of a deep valley that has filled up with water in some parts. Hence, any organisms living within these lakes had to get there within a relatively recent time frame, and the sheer number of species found there suggest that they must have evolved at an accelerated rate.
While the fish community represents a large amount of genetic diversity, the professor made the comment about how all the diversity might eventually be wiped out if the two plates separated completely. This would be because the rift valley would eventually fill up with sea water, which would obviously kill off any freshwater species. So it's a conundrum. While this system represents a classic example of rapid evolution (side note: there are fish so specialized in these lakes that they only eat the eyeballs or scales of other cichlids), it may also only be a blip on the screen of evolutionary time. That's if all these species eventually become extinct.
I'm not doing the conversation justice here, but I remember it as clearly as the day I sat in the classroom. However, here are the only notes I took during that conversation:
The second picture is the national flag for the country that will be sitting on the shoreline of the newly developed seaway: Dead Cichlid Nation*.
Example 2: Bees
We had another discussion about how we need to be mindful of changing environmental conditions when thinking about conservation and how it pertains to plant and animal distributions. Just because an organism occurs somewhere does not mean that it was always there, just like absence of an organism from a certain area doesn't guarantee that it's never occurred there. Anyone familiar with the fossil record knows that. This could be important when planning reserves. If possible, you want to conserve enough of an area that things can shift around if they need to. That usually isn't possible because of the financial obligations and politics, but it would be ideal.
The example our professor gave us when trying to illustrate this point was the continent of Antarctica. Today it is obviously covered with ice, but that hasn't always been the case. He mentioned a fairly recent study that talked about how Antarctica was once a much warmer place, and showed that bees migrated from Africa to South America across Antarctica (more recently than when all three continents were joined together to make up Gondwana).
Here are my notes from that discussion:
That would be the flag** for Frozen Bumblebee Nation.
*Incidentally, Dead Cichlid Nation would be one of George W. Bush's favorite countries because of the mass extinction rate associated with its formation - so glad that guy's not our president anymore.
**One of my lab mates looked at my notes while I was drawing these flags, and she interrupted the class by laughing too loud. The professor was not as amused. That may have been the reason why he started disliking me. I'm not sure about this.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
There is blood in all the things you say, I won't hate you if you go away
Last weekend Tortellini's boyfriend came to town for a visit. It was the first time she got to see him since they moved here last summer, so she was very excited.
Mr M, on the other hand, was not. It seems that he doesn't like to have to interact with anyone he's not familiar with, which is basically everyone outside of my, or my ex's family.
About an hour or so before [Boyfriend] was supposed to get to their house, Mr M held up a toothpick then looked at Tortellini and said, "If [Boyfriend] tries talkin' to me, I'm goin' to poke him to death with this."
Looks like I don't have to be the dad sitting on the couch cleaning his gun* for intimidation purposes. Mr M's got it covered for me.
*Which is a good thing because I'd need to go out and buy a shotgun.
Mr M, on the other hand, was not. It seems that he doesn't like to have to interact with anyone he's not familiar with, which is basically everyone outside of my, or my ex's family.
About an hour or so before [Boyfriend] was supposed to get to their house, Mr M held up a toothpick then looked at Tortellini and said, "If [Boyfriend] tries talkin' to me, I'm goin' to poke him to death with this."
Looks like I don't have to be the dad sitting on the couch cleaning his gun* for intimidation purposes. Mr M's got it covered for me.
*Which is a good thing because I'd need to go out and buy a shotgun.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And the heart beats in its cage
Friend: You still at the office?
Me: Yeah. I probably will be until around 7 tonight. Unless I decide to go to the gym. I probably should do the latter. Work off this flab that seems to want to accumulate on various parts of my body.
Friend: The old man is starting to catch up huh?
Me: Catch up? I think he's taken over. Completely.
Friend: Welcome to the old man club my brotha!!!
Me: I don't want to be in the old man club. That means I'll have to start hanging out in locker rooms and talking to people while I'm naked*. Isn't that what all old men do?
*This idea fresh in my mind after reading 2 Dollar Productions the other day.
Me: Yeah. I probably will be until around 7 tonight. Unless I decide to go to the gym. I probably should do the latter. Work off this flab that seems to want to accumulate on various parts of my body.
Friend: The old man is starting to catch up huh?
Me: Catch up? I think he's taken over. Completely.
Friend: Welcome to the old man club my brotha!!!
Me: I don't want to be in the old man club. That means I'll have to start hanging out in locker rooms and talking to people while I'm naked*. Isn't that what all old men do?
*This idea fresh in my mind after reading 2 Dollar Productions the other day.
La plus jeune avait l'pied léger
Friday night I watched 'Son of Rambow' with my kids. It didn't live up to its hype, but the kids liked it. One of the sub-plots of the movie involves a French exchange student. The first time this kid showed up on screen elicited this response from Mr M.
Mr M: That is so cool. I want to dress like that kid when I'm older.
That kid:
I've always told my kids I'd love them the same whether they're gay or straight. Mr M might be trying to find out if I mean it.
Mr M: That is so cool. I want to dress like that kid when I'm older.
That kid:
I've always told my kids I'd love them the same whether they're gay or straight. Mr M might be trying to find out if I mean it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
What's the name of this song? Explosivo!
I was reminded of this story last night, and even though it's not my story to tell, I'm going to tell it anyway. I have no shame, and since names are left out, I don't feel bad about telling embarrassing stories about various people I know.
A few years ago, a guy left town to spend the holidays with his girlfriend's family. They spent the night at her brother's house, and apparently something he had eaten that day didn't agree with him. He awoke in the middle of the night with a gurgling in his stomach, and he knew it was time to go to the bathroom. So, he hurried and sat on the toilet just in time for the diarrhea to hit. He sat there until he was sure he was finished, and got up to start washing his hands when suddenly he felt the urge to vomit. So he hit his knees and hugged the toilet bowl. Unfortunately for him, the act of vomiting contracted his core muscles in such a way that we squirted more diarrhea all over the bathroom wall and the back of his legs.
He did his best to clean up the floor and wall, then jumped into the shower. While showering he had another spurt from the back end and sprayed the shower tiles. Luckily, that just washed on down the drain. He eventually got everything cleaned up and crawled back into bed. Before going back to sleep he mentioned to his girlfriend that they may need to check again in the morning to make sure he got everything.
I now greet this guy with a two handed salute that points out from the mouth with one hand, and the butt with the other hand. To many it probably looks like some juvenile variation of Saturday Night Fever, but anyone who knows the story realizes it's to symbolize the bidirectional fountain that was him on that night.
Now you know where I came up with one of my rules to live by: Always choose to clean up vomit over cleaning up diarrhea if you're forced to make such a decision.
A few years ago, a guy left town to spend the holidays with his girlfriend's family. They spent the night at her brother's house, and apparently something he had eaten that day didn't agree with him. He awoke in the middle of the night with a gurgling in his stomach, and he knew it was time to go to the bathroom. So, he hurried and sat on the toilet just in time for the diarrhea to hit. He sat there until he was sure he was finished, and got up to start washing his hands when suddenly he felt the urge to vomit. So he hit his knees and hugged the toilet bowl. Unfortunately for him, the act of vomiting contracted his core muscles in such a way that we squirted more diarrhea all over the bathroom wall and the back of his legs.
He did his best to clean up the floor and wall, then jumped into the shower. While showering he had another spurt from the back end and sprayed the shower tiles. Luckily, that just washed on down the drain. He eventually got everything cleaned up and crawled back into bed. Before going back to sleep he mentioned to his girlfriend that they may need to check again in the morning to make sure he got everything.
I now greet this guy with a two handed salute that points out from the mouth with one hand, and the butt with the other hand. To many it probably looks like some juvenile variation of Saturday Night Fever, but anyone who knows the story realizes it's to symbolize the bidirectional fountain that was him on that night.
Now you know where I came up with one of my rules to live by: Always choose to clean up vomit over cleaning up diarrhea if you're forced to make such a decision.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I've got nothing to hide wish I wasn't so shy
Interview with A. Boxer*.
1. You are given the chance to visit one city for three days, all expenses paid. Where would you go? What would you do?
This is a tough one because there are a lot of cities I'd like to visit, but if all expenses are paid, I'm going to a more distant one (sorry Vancouver, BC). I've always wanted to visit Europe, although even that gets tough to decide between all the cool cities there, but, you've got to start somewhere, right? Maybe I could get lucky and somehow parlay the all expenses paid gig into multiple trips, but for starters I'd choose Athens, Greece. I became interested in Greek mythology in second grade, and took a class on that to satisfy my g.e. credits for arts and letters when working on my bachelor's degree. I think it'd be really cool to go around the city and tour the ancient ruins, just to see some of the places that I've learned so much about. Plus, the climate there is supposed to be awesome, right?
2. After receiving your PhD, you are offered a high paying job for a Company that is all about profit (and not much else) or a teaching position at a prestigious University. What would you pick? Why?
Assuming that the discrepancy in salaries is not too high (probably a bad assumption since industry always pays better than academia), I'd go with the position at a university. This is something I've thought about, and I'm not sure I'd be completely satisfied if I was doing someone else's research. There's always some degree of doing what somebody with money wants you to do, but I'd prefer to have a bigger say in what questions I'm answering, what data are generated and what happens with the results. That said, I'm also not entirely sure I'm cut out for the high stress, publish-or-perish atmosphere of a prestigious university. I'm not a very good writer, and have yet to secure any significant amount of funding for my research (the biggest "grant" I've received was $1000). What I'm trying to say is that I'd take the university job, but whether I'd get tenure might be a completely different story.
3. Name the best "Break Up" song.
There are a lot of good "break up songs" out there, so I'm just going to go with the first one that popped into my head: My Girlfriend's Best Friend by The Sun (click to download). The lyrics are harsh, which is always helpful when you're trying to hate someone.
You're looking tired
Like you tried to kill yourself again
You'll probably be strung out tonight
And my heart is broken
So I'm no good in bed
Have to find yourself another friend
Chorus
I don't want to so I
Think that I'd be better off askin'
And I wanted me to [unintelligible]
At the part of attraction
You're not my girlfriend you're just
Some fuckin' distraction
That I never wanted to go bad
To me this is crazy
The whole wide world is at it again
Showing me how it feels good to bleed
And you think it's nonsense
That I made it up in my head
You're probably right but you're goin' instead
(chorus)
Roll it over in your head
Hit you twice and now you're dead
I won't ever rot again
I think I might go to bed
I just don't think it's your time yeah
Dear boy dear boy
I've been balled down by some
of the best
I'm just psycho with a little [unintelligible]
In my side
In my time
(chorus)
4. You're in front of the judges on American Idol, what song would you sing?
I'd never be in front of the judges on American Idol because a) American Idol sucks, b) I'm too old to be the next manufactured pop star/one hit wonder, and c) I have absolutely no musical ability. If you put a gun to my mom's head and told me you'd pull the trigger unless I made it to Hollywood, I'd contemplate letting her die. (Just kidding Mom, I love you!) Since American Idol try-outs are all about people regurgitating popular songs, a lot of what I like wouldn't be well known enough for people to recognize it. Since making it to Hollywood on that show also seems to be all about having a good voice, it'd have to be a well known song where you could showcase that. I'd probably sing Tiny Dancer.
5. Describe the perfect first date.
I hate first dates. So my real answer is that the perfect first date is a second date. However, since you can't exactly skip over the first date, I'll say that a nice dinner and good conversation would suffice. A kiss at the end of the evening would also be nice, but I'm never brave enough to go for it.
*Lame pun, I know.
1. You are given the chance to visit one city for three days, all expenses paid. Where would you go? What would you do?
This is a tough one because there are a lot of cities I'd like to visit, but if all expenses are paid, I'm going to a more distant one (sorry Vancouver, BC). I've always wanted to visit Europe, although even that gets tough to decide between all the cool cities there, but, you've got to start somewhere, right? Maybe I could get lucky and somehow parlay the all expenses paid gig into multiple trips, but for starters I'd choose Athens, Greece. I became interested in Greek mythology in second grade, and took a class on that to satisfy my g.e. credits for arts and letters when working on my bachelor's degree. I think it'd be really cool to go around the city and tour the ancient ruins, just to see some of the places that I've learned so much about. Plus, the climate there is supposed to be awesome, right?
2. After receiving your PhD, you are offered a high paying job for a Company that is all about profit (and not much else) or a teaching position at a prestigious University. What would you pick? Why?
Assuming that the discrepancy in salaries is not too high (probably a bad assumption since industry always pays better than academia), I'd go with the position at a university. This is something I've thought about, and I'm not sure I'd be completely satisfied if I was doing someone else's research. There's always some degree of doing what somebody with money wants you to do, but I'd prefer to have a bigger say in what questions I'm answering, what data are generated and what happens with the results. That said, I'm also not entirely sure I'm cut out for the high stress, publish-or-perish atmosphere of a prestigious university. I'm not a very good writer, and have yet to secure any significant amount of funding for my research (the biggest "grant" I've received was $1000). What I'm trying to say is that I'd take the university job, but whether I'd get tenure might be a completely different story.
3. Name the best "Break Up" song.
There are a lot of good "break up songs" out there, so I'm just going to go with the first one that popped into my head: My Girlfriend's Best Friend by The Sun (click to download). The lyrics are harsh, which is always helpful when you're trying to hate someone.
You're looking tired
Like you tried to kill yourself again
You'll probably be strung out tonight
And my heart is broken
So I'm no good in bed
Have to find yourself another friend
Chorus
I don't want to so I
Think that I'd be better off askin'
And I wanted me to [unintelligible]
At the part of attraction
You're not my girlfriend you're just
Some fuckin' distraction
That I never wanted to go bad
To me this is crazy
The whole wide world is at it again
Showing me how it feels good to bleed
And you think it's nonsense
That I made it up in my head
You're probably right but you're goin' instead
(chorus)
Roll it over in your head
Hit you twice and now you're dead
I won't ever rot again
I think I might go to bed
I just don't think it's your time yeah
Dear boy dear boy
I've been balled down by some
of the best
I'm just psycho with a little [unintelligible]
In my side
In my time
(chorus)
4. You're in front of the judges on American Idol, what song would you sing?
I'd never be in front of the judges on American Idol because a) American Idol sucks, b) I'm too old to be the next manufactured pop star/one hit wonder, and c) I have absolutely no musical ability. If you put a gun to my mom's head and told me you'd pull the trigger unless I made it to Hollywood, I'd contemplate letting her die. (Just kidding Mom, I love you!) Since American Idol try-outs are all about people regurgitating popular songs, a lot of what I like wouldn't be well known enough for people to recognize it. Since making it to Hollywood on that show also seems to be all about having a good voice, it'd have to be a well known song where you could showcase that. I'd probably sing Tiny Dancer.
5. Describe the perfect first date.
I hate first dates. So my real answer is that the perfect first date is a second date. However, since you can't exactly skip over the first date, I'll say that a nice dinner and good conversation would suffice. A kiss at the end of the evening would also be nice, but I'm never brave enough to go for it.
*Lame pun, I know.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Now it cuts like a knife but it feels so right
Another offensive t-shirt idea coming to you from Native Minnow*:
*Two people who deserve partial credit whether they want it or not: One, whoever designed the t-shirt that reads 'Does this condom make me look fat?', and two, Dan Murphy for coining the term 'rapey'.
*Two people who deserve partial credit whether they want it or not: One, whoever designed the t-shirt that reads 'Does this condom make me look fat?', and two, Dan Murphy for coining the term 'rapey'.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What's mistaken for closeness is just a case of mitosis
Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves.
The Lab
What was your least favorite exercise? Why?
- The worm. We had to kill it.
- The clam dissection, I'm not a fan of sea life, I would have preferred a plastic model.
- The guppies, they were racist.
What is the major weakness of [the lab]?
- Looking at slides SUCK!!
What is the major strength of [the lab]?
- Cutting things open ROCK!!
The Lab Instructor
What were his/her strong points?
- Superhuman strength and stopping gang violence*.
- Unbelievably strong and the ability to obtain vast amounts of knowledge.
How could he/she improve?
- Lose the earring.
- Not sure. Hurry up and finish his doctorate so he can have his own lecture. He's getting up there :)
- I suggest giving students time to copy notes on board should be a different time than when you are explaining lab because it's hard to listen to someone while copying stuff off board**.
- Drawing pigs on casts.
- Learning how to fly! (There can only be one!)
*Native Minnow: Putting an end to gang violence since 2008.
**Because the two and a half hours they have in lab after I finish talking isn't enough time for them to copy stuff down.
The Lab
What was your least favorite exercise? Why?
- The worm. We had to kill it.
- The clam dissection, I'm not a fan of sea life, I would have preferred a plastic model.
- The guppies, they were racist.
What is the major weakness of [the lab]?
- Looking at slides SUCK!!
What is the major strength of [the lab]?
- Cutting things open ROCK!!
The Lab Instructor
What were his/her strong points?
- Superhuman strength and stopping gang violence*.
- Unbelievably strong and the ability to obtain vast amounts of knowledge.
How could he/she improve?
- Lose the earring.
- Not sure. Hurry up and finish his doctorate so he can have his own lecture. He's getting up there :)
- I suggest giving students time to copy notes on board should be a different time than when you are explaining lab because it's hard to listen to someone while copying stuff off board**.
- Drawing pigs on casts.
- Learning how to fly! (There can only be one!)
*Native Minnow: Putting an end to gang violence since 2008.
**Because the two and a half hours they have in lab after I finish talking isn't enough time for them to copy stuff down.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Together we'll be runnin' somewhere new
In honor of the inauguration today, I'll direct your attention to this site where you can make an Obamicon of yourself.
Go on. All the cool kids are doing it.
Here are a few that I made while trying to take my mind off the fact that the Eagles were getting their asses handed to them in the NFC Championship game.
Here are some others that I didn't make, but I think are hilarious so I stole them to post here anyway:
Go on. All the cool kids are doing it.
Here are a few that I made while trying to take my mind off the fact that the Eagles were getting their asses handed to them in the NFC Championship game.
Here are some others that I didn't make, but I think are hilarious so I stole them to post here anyway:
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Fashion zombies don't walk this world alone
The year was 2032. Zed awoke from an uneasy sleep filled with dreams of sirens, war and disease pandemics. All his nights were like this, but he wasn't going to complain. Sleep was sleep. Even sleep filled with nightmares was better than none. Or so he told himself.
Zed walked downstairs to put on a pot of coffee. He wasn't going to drink it. He never drank it. But it was the routine that was important. It helped retain some sense of normalcy. As the coffee percolated into the pot, Zed looked out the kitchen window. There it was. Grey ash falling from the sky. Still falling. He wondered if it would ever stop. He didn't think it would.
Zed sighed. He could still remember the time when the sky was blue. When dreams like the ones he had nightly were just dreams and not memories coming back to haunt him. It had only been a year since the human race turned against itself, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. He knew that many of the innocent casualties deserved to live again, but he wondered how many of them would take the chance if they had to do it his way. If they had to be a zombie.
Zed was a unique zombie to say the least. After all, most zombies didn't sleep. Or dream. Or sigh wistfully at the sight of falling ash. Most zombies just roamed the earth in a never-ending search for brains. But unlike them, Zed didn't like his situation. Other zombies seemed to be content in their new role, but Zed yearned for something more. Zed had a longing in his heart. Zed searched for love. And brains. But mostly love.
Zed's problem was complicated. Every time he'd meet a nice zombie girl, the craving would override everything else and she'd leave after a few days. Every time he'd meet a nice human girl, she'd run away screaming. He couldn't blame them. It was a matter of self-preservation. It was hard for Zed to make a good first-impression, with the limp and the drooling and all. And as they say, you never get a second chance.
One time he had been able to convince a human girl to look past his outer surface and realize that there was more to him than just being a zombie. And she was attractive. Man was she attractive. That was shortly after his transformation. Strangely enough the girl seemed interested in him too, she was just hesitant because she didn't know what her family would think. Ironically, the first night she fell asleep watching movies on his couch, Zed's roommate ate her brains. Zed now lived alone.
Zed had not left his house for days. He decided that the only thing worse than being a zombie was being a zombie with cabin fever, so he set out for the park. It was dangerous to do so with the death squads that patrolled the streets with flame throwers in an attempt to rid the city of its zombie problem, but he needed the fresh air.
Zed chuckled briefly at the thought of a zombie needing fresh air. Other zombies would ridicule him for having such thoughts. Come to think of it, other zombies would ridicule him for thinking of anything other than brains, but Zed couldn't help it. He was who he was.
Zed took his finger and wrote his name in the ash on a park bench. He drew a heart around it, then brushed all the ash off the bench so he could sit down. He sat. And stared at his feet. And thought. He thought about his family. His sisters. He couldn't understand why they had all died, but he was left to live this hellish existence. Being a zombie in love with the idea of being in love was a heavy burden. It was certainly taking a toll on him, and he wasn't sure if he could take it much longer.
Zed's thoughts were interrupted by a pair of white sneakers at the top of his field of view. Well, they were as white as anything could be with all the ash that permeated the air.
Zed looked up and saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. At least he thought she was. Sometimes it was hard to remember details from the life before. This was too good to be true. Zed blinked and rubbed his eyes. The woman laughed a musical laugh and said, "You're not imagining me. Mind if I sit?"
Zed brushed more ash off the bench and motioned for her to have a seat.
"What's your name?"
"Zed. Yours?"
"Leslie. I haven't seen you around here lately."
"You've seen me before?"
"Yes. But I've never been able to work up the nerve to come talk to you."
"Understandable." Zed said sheepishly, then added, "Zombie" as he motioned to himself.
"You know, you're kind of cute. For a zombie." She winked.
Zed was a shy zombie, so just smiled and looked away from her face. As he did so, he saw movement from the corner of his eye. He looked around the park and saw men approaching from all directions. Zed ran, but it was too late, the men were too close. "How could I have been so careless?" he thought as the flames came toward him from all directions.
He heard that musical laugh again. "That one was almost too easy," he heard Leslie say. "Normally they run or try to attack when they see me."
The captain of the death squad kissed her and said, "Just keep up the good work. You know I don't like having you doing this sometimes, but that's one less zombie we need to worry about now."
"Really, I don't mind. It's fun," she laughed.
"If I was destined to die alone, I'd rather it be now than later," thought Zed as he burned.
Zed walked downstairs to put on a pot of coffee. He wasn't going to drink it. He never drank it. But it was the routine that was important. It helped retain some sense of normalcy. As the coffee percolated into the pot, Zed looked out the kitchen window. There it was. Grey ash falling from the sky. Still falling. He wondered if it would ever stop. He didn't think it would.
Zed sighed. He could still remember the time when the sky was blue. When dreams like the ones he had nightly were just dreams and not memories coming back to haunt him. It had only been a year since the human race turned against itself, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. He knew that many of the innocent casualties deserved to live again, but he wondered how many of them would take the chance if they had to do it his way. If they had to be a zombie.
Zed was a unique zombie to say the least. After all, most zombies didn't sleep. Or dream. Or sigh wistfully at the sight of falling ash. Most zombies just roamed the earth in a never-ending search for brains. But unlike them, Zed didn't like his situation. Other zombies seemed to be content in their new role, but Zed yearned for something more. Zed had a longing in his heart. Zed searched for love. And brains. But mostly love.
Zed's problem was complicated. Every time he'd meet a nice zombie girl, the craving would override everything else and she'd leave after a few days. Every time he'd meet a nice human girl, she'd run away screaming. He couldn't blame them. It was a matter of self-preservation. It was hard for Zed to make a good first-impression, with the limp and the drooling and all. And as they say, you never get a second chance.
One time he had been able to convince a human girl to look past his outer surface and realize that there was more to him than just being a zombie. And she was attractive. Man was she attractive. That was shortly after his transformation. Strangely enough the girl seemed interested in him too, she was just hesitant because she didn't know what her family would think. Ironically, the first night she fell asleep watching movies on his couch, Zed's roommate ate her brains. Zed now lived alone.
Zed had not left his house for days. He decided that the only thing worse than being a zombie was being a zombie with cabin fever, so he set out for the park. It was dangerous to do so with the death squads that patrolled the streets with flame throwers in an attempt to rid the city of its zombie problem, but he needed the fresh air.
Zed chuckled briefly at the thought of a zombie needing fresh air. Other zombies would ridicule him for having such thoughts. Come to think of it, other zombies would ridicule him for thinking of anything other than brains, but Zed couldn't help it. He was who he was.
Zed took his finger and wrote his name in the ash on a park bench. He drew a heart around it, then brushed all the ash off the bench so he could sit down. He sat. And stared at his feet. And thought. He thought about his family. His sisters. He couldn't understand why they had all died, but he was left to live this hellish existence. Being a zombie in love with the idea of being in love was a heavy burden. It was certainly taking a toll on him, and he wasn't sure if he could take it much longer.
Zed's thoughts were interrupted by a pair of white sneakers at the top of his field of view. Well, they were as white as anything could be with all the ash that permeated the air.
Zed looked up and saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. At least he thought she was. Sometimes it was hard to remember details from the life before. This was too good to be true. Zed blinked and rubbed his eyes. The woman laughed a musical laugh and said, "You're not imagining me. Mind if I sit?"
Zed brushed more ash off the bench and motioned for her to have a seat.
"What's your name?"
"Zed. Yours?"
"Leslie. I haven't seen you around here lately."
"You've seen me before?"
"Yes. But I've never been able to work up the nerve to come talk to you."
"Understandable." Zed said sheepishly, then added, "Zombie" as he motioned to himself.
"You know, you're kind of cute. For a zombie." She winked.
Zed was a shy zombie, so just smiled and looked away from her face. As he did so, he saw movement from the corner of his eye. He looked around the park and saw men approaching from all directions. Zed ran, but it was too late, the men were too close. "How could I have been so careless?" he thought as the flames came toward him from all directions.
He heard that musical laugh again. "That one was almost too easy," he heard Leslie say. "Normally they run or try to attack when they see me."
The captain of the death squad kissed her and said, "Just keep up the good work. You know I don't like having you doing this sometimes, but that's one less zombie we need to worry about now."
"Really, I don't mind. It's fun," she laughed.
"If I was destined to die alone, I'd rather it be now than later," thought Zed as he burned.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
This is where the party ends, I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friend
Overheard the other day:
Guy: What do you want to eat?
Girl: I want to go somewhere I can get chink food.
Guy: Did you just say chink food?
Girl: I did.
Guy: You can't call it that.
Girl: I can if there aren't any chinks around.
Las Vegas: Home to some of the classiest people you'll ever meet.
Guy: What do you want to eat?
Girl: I want to go somewhere I can get chink food.
Guy: Did you just say chink food?
Girl: I did.
Guy: You can't call it that.
Girl: I can if there aren't any chinks around.
Las Vegas: Home to some of the classiest people you'll ever meet.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tell me that you've got everything you want and your bird can sing
Do you ever wonder about what random thoughts might enter Native Minnow's head throughout the day but never make it into a blog post?
Well, now you're in luck. I'm the latest of the sheep to jump onto the Twitter bandwagon. Might I direct your attention to the sidebar to the newest feature added to The Shallows? Just scroll down below the 'about me' section. Or, you can follow me here.
Tweet me bitches!
Well, now you're in luck. I'm the latest of the sheep to jump onto the Twitter bandwagon. Might I direct your attention to the sidebar to the newest feature added to The Shallows? Just scroll down below the 'about me' section. Or, you can follow me here.
Tweet me bitches!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Girl why not take out the trash and once you get him out tell him not to come back again
Me (to Tortellini): And to think, your mom had all of this.
[said while motioning to myself with my hands]
Togers: And she threw it all away.
Tortellini: Because it was garbage.
[said while motioning to myself with my hands]
Togers: And she threw it all away.
Tortellini: Because it was garbage.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I wonder if you'll love me tonight
Finally! A fortune cookie worth the paper it's printed on.
I guess I need to get home early so I can change the sheets.
I guess I need to get home early so I can change the sheets.
All the kids are staying fat
When you're getting dressed in your bedroom, and your car in the garage starts honking because the panic button on the keychain got pressed accidentally when you bent over to tie your shoes, it might be time to start working out.
If that happens repeatedly, it's time to accept the fact that you are fat and buy some looser fitting jeans.
I need to buy some looser fitting jeans.
If that happens repeatedly, it's time to accept the fact that you are fat and buy some looser fitting jeans.
I need to buy some looser fitting jeans.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Been caught stealin' once when I was five
Let me tell you a little story about how to get someone to buy a shirt from you if you work in retail. Hey, it worked for the store I went to yesterday.
I had an item to return to a certain outdoors store. I made the exchange, but then they told me about the "super clearance sale" they were having. Items that were already marked down were now fifty percent off their sale prices. How could I not start looking around at that point?
There was a lot of good stuff, but I decided that I didn't really need any of it and that I was just shopping for the deal, and not out of necessity. I did find a shirt I liked, but wasn't sure if it fit me well enough to buy.
Around that time, a friend called to see if I wanted to have lunch with him. I told him where I was, and we agreed to meet at a nearby restaurant. I told my friend about the sale over lunch, and about the shirt that I wasn't sure about. He said he was going back over there, so if I wanted a second opinion we could go back over after lunch. So, we did.
Once in the store, I grabbed the shirt and went into the dressing room to try it on. I left the dressing room to get my friend's opinion on the shirt, and when I went back, my shirt and sunglasses were gone. I'd seen a store employee go into the dressing room, but couldn't find him after my stuff went missing. It took me five minutes to get someone's attention, and eventually talked to someone who went to check the lost and found. My sunglasses were there, but my t-shirt wasn't. Since I had nothing to change back into, I decided to buy the shirt I'd tried on.
It turned out that someone had placed my shirt into the re-stock pile. You know, because a five year old t-shirt looks like something you could sell. They did find it eventually, so everything ended up okay, short of a brief moment of panic that I was going to have to replace my sunglasses and about 30 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.
So, if you're working in retail, especially on commission in a clothing store, you may want to think about stealing clothes out of the dressing rooms so your patrons will be forced to purchase the ones they're trying on. The boost in your paycheck might help you get through these tough economic times. Just a thought.
I had an item to return to a certain outdoors store. I made the exchange, but then they told me about the "super clearance sale" they were having. Items that were already marked down were now fifty percent off their sale prices. How could I not start looking around at that point?
There was a lot of good stuff, but I decided that I didn't really need any of it and that I was just shopping for the deal, and not out of necessity. I did find a shirt I liked, but wasn't sure if it fit me well enough to buy.
Around that time, a friend called to see if I wanted to have lunch with him. I told him where I was, and we agreed to meet at a nearby restaurant. I told my friend about the sale over lunch, and about the shirt that I wasn't sure about. He said he was going back over there, so if I wanted a second opinion we could go back over after lunch. So, we did.
Once in the store, I grabbed the shirt and went into the dressing room to try it on. I left the dressing room to get my friend's opinion on the shirt, and when I went back, my shirt and sunglasses were gone. I'd seen a store employee go into the dressing room, but couldn't find him after my stuff went missing. It took me five minutes to get someone's attention, and eventually talked to someone who went to check the lost and found. My sunglasses were there, but my t-shirt wasn't. Since I had nothing to change back into, I decided to buy the shirt I'd tried on.
It turned out that someone had placed my shirt into the re-stock pile. You know, because a five year old t-shirt looks like something you could sell. They did find it eventually, so everything ended up okay, short of a brief moment of panic that I was going to have to replace my sunglasses and about 30 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.
So, if you're working in retail, especially on commission in a clothing store, you may want to think about stealing clothes out of the dressing rooms so your patrons will be forced to purchase the ones they're trying on. The boost in your paycheck might help you get through these tough economic times. Just a thought.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Love me now while we're alive, it's the best thing we can do
Here's a song reminding you to live it up this weekend, because you never know when the Devil's going to come around to collect his debt. Enjoy!
**EDIT**
The mp3 player isn't working properly, so I'll just post the link for the download instead if you're interested in hearing the studio version.
**End Edit**
Great Big Sea - Straight To Hell
Love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
So heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
And I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the Devil and when I die
I'm going straight to Hell
Standing at the crossroads
He offered wine, women and song
Riches, fame and fortune in my hands from that day on
I was granted there and then a life of rock and roll
And it seemed like such a bargain
For just one eternal soul
I know I'll curse this damn decision
And I'll regret it 'til the moment I fall
But I'll be makin' the most of a bad situation
Until my number's called
Love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
Heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
and I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the devil
and when I die I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah, I'm goin' straight to Hell
There's times I swear I've come out on top
In this ill conceived contract
And there's nights I say
"It's a small price to pay for the life and times I've had"
And I think "Here's to the gents and ladies
And all the foolish times we spent"
They cost me afterlife in paradise
And they were worth every single cent
So have a dance with the walking damned
Before my time is done
'Cause a deal is a deal
And I don't expect fire and brimstone will be much fun
Love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
Heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
And I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the devil and when I die
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah, I'm going straight to Hell
I said straight to Hell
Go to Hell
I have every expectation
That my final prayer will go unheard
And my veiled deathbed confession
Will not move the Mighty Lord
And I'm sure that I'll be sorry
When He slams St. Peter's gate
But I'll dive right into damnation with a smile across my face.
If you love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
Heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
And I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the devil and when I die
I'm goin' straight to Hell
I made a deal with the devil and when I die
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Or if you'd rather see a live version:
**EDIT**
The mp3 player isn't working properly, so I'll just post the link for the download instead if you're interested in hearing the studio version.
**End Edit**
Great Big Sea - Straight To Hell
Love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
So heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
And I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the Devil and when I die
I'm going straight to Hell
Standing at the crossroads
He offered wine, women and song
Riches, fame and fortune in my hands from that day on
I was granted there and then a life of rock and roll
And it seemed like such a bargain
For just one eternal soul
I know I'll curse this damn decision
And I'll regret it 'til the moment I fall
But I'll be makin' the most of a bad situation
Until my number's called
Love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
Heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
and I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the devil
and when I die I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah, I'm goin' straight to Hell
There's times I swear I've come out on top
In this ill conceived contract
And there's nights I say
"It's a small price to pay for the life and times I've had"
And I think "Here's to the gents and ladies
And all the foolish times we spent"
They cost me afterlife in paradise
And they were worth every single cent
So have a dance with the walking damned
Before my time is done
'Cause a deal is a deal
And I don't expect fire and brimstone will be much fun
Love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
Heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
And I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the devil and when I die
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah, I'm going straight to Hell
I said straight to Hell
Go to Hell
I have every expectation
That my final prayer will go unheard
And my veiled deathbed confession
Will not move the Mighty Lord
And I'm sure that I'll be sorry
When He slams St. Peter's gate
But I'll dive right into damnation with a smile across my face.
If you love me now while we're alive
It's the best thing we can do
We'll have no time upon cloud nine
Heaven on earth'll have to do
I can sing like a bird and dance like a demon
And I do it all so well
'Cause I made a deal with the devil and when I die
I'm goin' straight to Hell
I made a deal with the devil and when I die
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Oh yeah
I'm goin' straight to Hell
Or if you'd rather see a live version:
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Drink, drink this town is so great, drink, drink 'cause it's never too late
Since I'm probably one of the only people in the world who doesn't drink yet still frequents bars, a lot of people ask why I don't drink. That's understandable, but I've decided that I'm going to start making up reasons that'll make the person who's asking feel uncomfortable. (Similar to The Joker explaining how he got the scars on his face in The Dark Knight.)
Here are the ones I've come up with so far:
- I'm a recovering meth addict, and alchol was my companion drug, so I can't get drunk without wanting to get high.
- I haven't touched alcohol since my dad came home drunk and blasted my mom with a twelve gauge shotgun.
- The last time I got drunk was when the Priest took me into his chambers and plied me with a bottle of wine, and I don't remember anything that happened between then and the next morning when I woke up with a sore butt.
- I learned my lesson after I was driving drunk one day and t-boned a van full of pre-school kids who were on their way to the dinosaur museum, killing all but one of them in a fiery explosion and leaving the lone survivor horribly disfigured from the third degree burns that covered 80% of his body.
So, take a vote, or offer up a new explanation of your own. Whichever gets the most votes will be the reason I give the next time I get asked the question.
Here are the ones I've come up with so far:
- I'm a recovering meth addict, and alchol was my companion drug, so I can't get drunk without wanting to get high.
- I haven't touched alcohol since my dad came home drunk and blasted my mom with a twelve gauge shotgun.
- The last time I got drunk was when the Priest took me into his chambers and plied me with a bottle of wine, and I don't remember anything that happened between then and the next morning when I woke up with a sore butt.
- I learned my lesson after I was driving drunk one day and t-boned a van full of pre-school kids who were on their way to the dinosaur museum, killing all but one of them in a fiery explosion and leaving the lone survivor horribly disfigured from the third degree burns that covered 80% of his body.
So, take a vote, or offer up a new explanation of your own. Whichever gets the most votes will be the reason I give the next time I get asked the question.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I've been roamin' around always lookin' down on all I see
Somebody recently forwarded me an Amber Alert email for a girl who'd gone missing from somewhere in the mid-west. I didn't pass it on. Does anybody read those anyway? Would you actually remember the face of someone you saw there? Of all the missing kids' pictures that you see, do you really expect to be able to pick one of those faces out of a crowd should you encounter them? Same goes for missing people on milk containers. There are so many of them these days that I don't even look at them anymore. Isn't that something that might have been effective when they first started doing it, but has sort of lost it's ability to do what it's intended to do? Or am I just a dick?
Sunday, January 04, 2009
A boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Friday night I went with some friends to a gay bar.
It was my first time being in such an establishment.
I made it through the night without anyone hitting on me.
I don't know whether I should be relieved, or if I should feel rejected.
It was my first time being in such an establishment.
I made it through the night without anyone hitting on me.
I don't know whether I should be relieved, or if I should feel rejected.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
A broke back wreck with a ball and chain
A girl I know recently had to speak at a wedding for which she was the maid of honor. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to say the night before the wedding, and asked me for some tips. I gave her a few, and have decided to list them here as well. You know, in case any of you know someone who is preparing to tie the knot.
- You probably shouldn't bring up the long string of ex-girlfriends that have been left behind by the groom, or the many ex-boyfriends the bride's had.
- It's not proper to talk about how you never thought the bride would get married because of how psychotic she acts.
- Don't mention the fact that you saw the bride leaving a pay-by-the-hour motel room with the best man last week.
- Wedding guests don't need to hear about the time when the bride had a judge issue a restraining order for the groom's father.
- The groom's hatred for the bride's mother should remain unspoken on this day.
- Avoid bringing up the time when the bride/groom hit on you at a holiday party.
- No mention of the groom's methamphetamine addiction should be made. Nor that of his fondness for prostitutes.
- Under absolutely no circumstances will a joke about STDs be successful.
- If you see the groom's other wife and children in the audience, don't single them out. They didn't come to be embarrassed.
You're welcome!
- You probably shouldn't bring up the long string of ex-girlfriends that have been left behind by the groom, or the many ex-boyfriends the bride's had.
- It's not proper to talk about how you never thought the bride would get married because of how psychotic she acts.
- Don't mention the fact that you saw the bride leaving a pay-by-the-hour motel room with the best man last week.
- Wedding guests don't need to hear about the time when the bride had a judge issue a restraining order for the groom's father.
- The groom's hatred for the bride's mother should remain unspoken on this day.
- Avoid bringing up the time when the bride/groom hit on you at a holiday party.
- No mention of the groom's methamphetamine addiction should be made. Nor that of his fondness for prostitutes.
- Under absolutely no circumstances will a joke about STDs be successful.
- If you see the groom's other wife and children in the audience, don't single them out. They didn't come to be embarrassed.
You're welcome!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Now and then you give me the feelin' I'm not a man I'm a magazine
The year 2008 was a good one for music. Not only were a lot of good albums released, I was also introduced to a whole bunch of new bands, both ones that were new, and those who have been around for a while but I'd never listened to. My itunes library has tripled since last New Year's Day, so my list of favorite albums for 2008 probably isn't as well thought out as it should be.
There have been plenty of acclaimed albums released in 2008 that won't be on my list because I haven't given them enough listening time (e.g., Shearwater - Rooks; Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight). There are good albums from some of my favorite older bands that won't make it because I simply liked the others more for whatever reason (e.g., Ben Folds - Way To Normal; Radiohead - In Rainbows; Nine Inch Nails - The Slip; Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - Real Emotional Trash; The Dandy Warhols - Earth To The Dandy Warhols). Then there are the ones that are good, but there just wasn't enough room to include them on a top ten list (e.g., Blitzen Trapper - Furr; Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds And A Sound; The Weepies - Hideaway).
Without further ado, here's the list.
Native Minnow's Top Albums of 2008
10. Spiritualized - Songs in A & E
9. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
8. Gus Black - Today is not the Day . . .
7. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
6. Jim White - Transnormal Skiparoo
5. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
4. The Broken West - Now or Heaven
3. Old 97's - Blame it on Gravity
2. Kings of Leon - Only by the Night
1. Nada Surf - Lucky
I've also posted a New Year's present for those who are interested. It's a free download of some of my favorite songs from 2008. Enjoy!
There have been plenty of acclaimed albums released in 2008 that won't be on my list because I haven't given them enough listening time (e.g., Shearwater - Rooks; Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight). There are good albums from some of my favorite older bands that won't make it because I simply liked the others more for whatever reason (e.g., Ben Folds - Way To Normal; Radiohead - In Rainbows; Nine Inch Nails - The Slip; Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - Real Emotional Trash; The Dandy Warhols - Earth To The Dandy Warhols). Then there are the ones that are good, but there just wasn't enough room to include them on a top ten list (e.g., Blitzen Trapper - Furr; Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds And A Sound; The Weepies - Hideaway).
Without further ado, here's the list.
Native Minnow's Top Albums of 2008
10. Spiritualized - Songs in A & E
9. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
8. Gus Black - Today is not the Day . . .
7. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
6. Jim White - Transnormal Skiparoo
5. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
4. The Broken West - Now or Heaven
3. Old 97's - Blame it on Gravity
2. Kings of Leon - Only by the Night
1. Nada Surf - Lucky
I've also posted a New Year's present for those who are interested. It's a free download of some of my favorite songs from 2008. Enjoy!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry*
Here are a few of my favorite sports quotes from 2008:
"Man, I'm so hyped right now. Anything's possible. Anything's pooooosssssssiiiiiiibbbbbblllllleeeeeee!!!!" Boston Celtics PF Kevin Garnett in an interview right after winning the NBA championship.
"Michelle, you look good tonight, girl. You look good." Kevin Garnett seconds later in that same interview, hitting on the interviewer.
"Some guys don't like to play, some guys do. Some treat it like a job. You've got to wonder how many guys play basketball because they're tall." Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan responding to questions about what's keeping one of his young players from performing well on a regular basis.
"I'm happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. And I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery doing some pre-game trash talk that would later get him cut from the team.
"I wake up tomorrow and I keep living." Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo answering a question about how he deals with tough losses such as the season ending blowout administered by the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday.
"Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I'm having fun." Cincinatti Bengals WR Chad 'Ocho Cinco' responding to questions about why he had his last name legally changed from Johnson to Ocho Cinco.
"We know the difference between a 47 year old black male and a young black female." Police Chief David Hall disputing hall of famer Isiah Thomas' claim that police had it wrong when they said he had overdosed on sleeping pills and that it was actually his teenage daughter who had been hospitalized.
"If you really want to pound it in, you need some extra beef in the backfield." - NFL announcer that I don't know, but it could very easily have been any of them.
*This Postal Service lyric illustrates why musicians should stick to singing about things they know** about since a goalie would only be guarding the net during the third period of a hockey game, or the second half of a soccer match. I'm just sayin'.
**Unless, of course they're singing about water polo or lacrosse, in which case forget I said a thing.
"Man, I'm so hyped right now. Anything's possible. Anything's pooooosssssssiiiiiiibbbbbblllllleeeeeee!!!!" Boston Celtics PF Kevin Garnett in an interview right after winning the NBA championship.
"Michelle, you look good tonight, girl. You look good." Kevin Garnett seconds later in that same interview, hitting on the interviewer.
"Some guys don't like to play, some guys do. Some treat it like a job. You've got to wonder how many guys play basketball because they're tall." Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan responding to questions about what's keeping one of his young players from performing well on a regular basis.
"I'm happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. And I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery doing some pre-game trash talk that would later get him cut from the team.
"I wake up tomorrow and I keep living." Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo answering a question about how he deals with tough losses such as the season ending blowout administered by the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday.
"Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I'm having fun." Cincinatti Bengals WR Chad 'Ocho Cinco' responding to questions about why he had his last name legally changed from Johnson to Ocho Cinco.
"We know the difference between a 47 year old black male and a young black female." Police Chief David Hall disputing hall of famer Isiah Thomas' claim that police had it wrong when they said he had overdosed on sleeping pills and that it was actually his teenage daughter who had been hospitalized.
"If you really want to pound it in, you need some extra beef in the backfield." - NFL announcer that I don't know, but it could very easily have been any of them.
*This Postal Service lyric illustrates why musicians should stick to singing about things they know** about since a goalie would only be guarding the net during the third period of a hockey game, or the second half of a soccer match. I'm just sayin'.
**Unless, of course they're singing about water polo or lacrosse, in which case forget I said a thing.
You're gonna find you'll find yourself alone
So, it turned out that the girl I could've been "guaranteed to make out with" was, in fact, PTSD girl.
How do I know you ask? Because one of her friends asked me if I was going to hook up with her.
Me: No.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Just because.
Girl: You should. I hear she's a really good kisser.
Me: I'm going to have to go ahead and take your word on that.
Girl: I think you two should hook up.
Me: It's not going to happen.
What I wanted to say: "Have you seen me? I can do way better than that!
I recounted that conversation to a couple of girls who were there the night we met those girls, and told them what I wish I had the sack to say.
They claimed that she wasn't all that ugly.
I maintained that she was.
We argued about it for a while, and they eventually asked me what I'd rate her on a scale of one to ten.
I said about a three.
They said she was at least a five or a six.
I vehemently disagreed, and then started showing them pictures of other girls I know so they could rate them. It seemed to me that they would rank many of the girls who I think are cute a point or two lower than I would, and they'd rate the girls I thought were ugly a point or two higher than I would.
Then we shifted things into a higher gear.
Girl: Alright, give me an example of an actress you'd rate as a ten.
Me: Charlize Theron.
Girl: Ok. I'll give you that one. Who else?
Me: Alyssa Milano.
Girl: Really? I don't know if I'd rate her that high.
Me: Well, I've been in love with her since 'Who's The Boss?' so maybe my ranking is a little higher than most people's would be.
Girl: Yeah, probably. Who else?
Me: I'm going to say Jessica Alba.
Girl: Jessica Alba is not a ten.
Me: I'm not saying she can act, because she can't, but she is hot. You have to admit that.
Girl: I don't think so. I'd put her at about an eight.
Me: You just showed a flaw in your rating system. If Jessica Alba is only an eight, there's no way that PTSD girl is a fucking six.
Girl: Ok. You've got a point.
So, to drag this story out even further, I was telling all of this to one of my sisters on the phone. She was laughing pretty hard. So then, thanks to facebook, I was able to steal a picture of PTSD girl and show it to my sister.
She agreed with me.
In fact, she went so far as to say that PTSD girl looked kind of like Shrek, and that maybe I should start calling her Fiona instead of PTSD girl.
So, on a scale of one to ten. What would you rank Fiona?
How do I know you ask? Because one of her friends asked me if I was going to hook up with her.
Me: No.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Just because.
Girl: You should. I hear she's a really good kisser.
Me: I'm going to have to go ahead and take your word on that.
Girl: I think you two should hook up.
Me: It's not going to happen.
What I wanted to say: "Have you seen me? I can do way better than that!
I recounted that conversation to a couple of girls who were there the night we met those girls, and told them what I wish I had the sack to say.
They claimed that she wasn't all that ugly.
I maintained that she was.
We argued about it for a while, and they eventually asked me what I'd rate her on a scale of one to ten.
I said about a three.
They said she was at least a five or a six.
I vehemently disagreed, and then started showing them pictures of other girls I know so they could rate them. It seemed to me that they would rank many of the girls who I think are cute a point or two lower than I would, and they'd rate the girls I thought were ugly a point or two higher than I would.
Then we shifted things into a higher gear.
Girl: Alright, give me an example of an actress you'd rate as a ten.
Me: Charlize Theron.
Girl: Ok. I'll give you that one. Who else?
Me: Alyssa Milano.
Girl: Really? I don't know if I'd rate her that high.
Me: Well, I've been in love with her since 'Who's The Boss?' so maybe my ranking is a little higher than most people's would be.
Girl: Yeah, probably. Who else?
Me: I'm going to say Jessica Alba.
Girl: Jessica Alba is not a ten.
Me: I'm not saying she can act, because she can't, but she is hot. You have to admit that.
Girl: I don't think so. I'd put her at about an eight.
Me: You just showed a flaw in your rating system. If Jessica Alba is only an eight, there's no way that PTSD girl is a fucking six.
Girl: Ok. You've got a point.
So, to drag this story out even further, I was telling all of this to one of my sisters on the phone. She was laughing pretty hard. So then, thanks to facebook, I was able to steal a picture of PTSD girl and show it to my sister.
She agreed with me.
In fact, she went so far as to say that PTSD girl looked kind of like Shrek, and that maybe I should start calling her Fiona instead of PTSD girl.So, on a scale of one to ten. What would you rank Fiona?
Monday, December 29, 2008
I'm sorry my girl but you'll never make a wife
Me: That girl just asked me if I'd have a beer with her if she could guarantee that I could make out with one of her friends later.
Friend 1: Well, there's only one of her friends that'd be worth making out with. What did you tell her?
Me: What do you think I said? Of course I said no.
Friend 1: Well, the odds definitely aren't in your favor. That'd be like playing Russian roulette.
-------------------------------THE NEXT DAY-------------------------------
Me: I told [Friend 1] about it last night, and he said it'd be like playing Russian roulette.
Friend 2: Well, he's right.
Me: I know. Especially with that ugly friend of hers.
Friend 2: Ugly? That's an understatement. I think I have PTSD.
Friend 1: Well, there's only one of her friends that'd be worth making out with. What did you tell her?
Me: What do you think I said? Of course I said no.
Friend 1: Well, the odds definitely aren't in your favor. That'd be like playing Russian roulette.
-------------------------------THE NEXT DAY-------------------------------
Me: I told [Friend 1] about it last night, and he said it'd be like playing Russian roulette.
Friend 2: Well, he's right.
Me: I know. Especially with that ugly friend of hers.
Friend 2: Ugly? That's an understatement. I think I have PTSD.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Coat check I couldn't remember
Girl: Is that a new coat?
Me: It is.
Girl: I like it.
Me: Thanks. I didn't wear it for about a week after I bought it because I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah. I showed it to five or six people before I took the tags off because I was afraid it might be too douchebaggy.
Girl: It's not. It's just the right level of douchebagginess for you.
Me: Um. Thanks?
Me: It is.
Girl: I like it.
Me: Thanks. I didn't wear it for about a week after I bought it because I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah. I showed it to five or six people before I took the tags off because I was afraid it might be too douchebaggy.
Girl: It's not. It's just the right level of douchebagginess for you.
Me: Um. Thanks?
Friday, December 26, 2008
Can't you see it's not me you're dying for
I recently went to the Happiest Place On Earth. Inside there was a sign listing their Christmas Day specials. I took a picture so I could post it here, but unfortunately it didn't turn out because it was too dark and the camera on my phone sucks. Instead, you'll just have to settle for the words, without the added artsiness of marker on posterboard.
The Double Down Saloon
Join us for:
Free Haircuts
Free Spaghettios
50¢ Abortions
Christmas Day 11 am - 5 pm
If that's not a random list, I don't know what is.
The Double Down Saloon
Join us for:
Free Haircuts
Free Spaghettios
50¢ Abortions
Christmas Day 11 am - 5 pm
If that's not a random list, I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna get you a diamond ring, that sort of gift don't mean anything
Girl: Merry Christmas!!
Me: Thanks. You too. Did you get a dick in a box?
Girl: No Santa didn't get me one :(
Me: Boo. I heard that's what all the girls wanted this year.
Girl: Yeah, I must've been on the naughty list
Me: Or not naughty enough. I'd offer mine, but wouldn't want to cockblock everyone else who's dying to be your first*
Girl: Hahahaha yeah
*I don't count myself in that category. I subscribe to the view of Vincent Chase in Entourage: I don't want to be anyone's first, and I don't want to be anyone's last.
Me: Thanks. You too. Did you get a dick in a box?
Girl: No Santa didn't get me one :(
Me: Boo. I heard that's what all the girls wanted this year.
Girl: Yeah, I must've been on the naughty list
Me: Or not naughty enough. I'd offer mine, but wouldn't want to cockblock everyone else who's dying to be your first*
Girl: Hahahaha yeah
*I don't count myself in that category. I subscribe to the view of Vincent Chase in Entourage: I don't want to be anyone's first, and I don't want to be anyone's last.
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