We were d-d-done with all the fu-fu-fuckin' around

Last night I was hanging out with some friends. One friend in particular had been talking with another friend of his about plans for the evening. He'd told his friend where he was going, and the other guy didn't want to go there. Instead he went to a different place with two girls. At one point he texted my friend to try and get him to come be his wing man. I think his words were something like, "I need you to come run interference on this other chick so that I can score tonight."

My friend didn't go. A little while later he got another text from this guy saying: You suck.

My friend messaged him back saying: You suck more.

We were all laughing and joking about what a douchebag his friend can be. Honestly, he's the kind of guy whose number one goal in life is to score with the ladies, and it doesn't matter how he treats his friends in the time that he's trying to accomplish that goal. For example, my friend is throwing a party, and this guy will only come if there are going to be single girls for him to hit on. It's not enough to just come and hang out with his friend for an evening. He even went so far as to ask my friend if the girl he's been spending a lot of time with is fair game. According to my friend, the conversation went something like this:

Douchebag: Is [Girl] going to be at your party?
My Friend: Yeah.
Douchebag: So, what's the deal with you and her? Is she your girlfriend?
My Friend: I wouldn't call her that. We just hang out a lot.
Douchebag: So is she available? Would you be ok if she hooked up with other people?
My Friend: No. I'd honestly be a little upset if she were to do that.
Douchebag: But you said she's not your girlfriend*.

You get the point.

Anyway, since my friend declined to ditch us to go be Douchebag's wing man, Douchebag sent him another text message**: It's best that you didn't come. This girl's way too hot for you. You'd have to roofie her up.

Since that was a pretty douchebag-ey thing to say, one of my other friends decided to start messing around with the guy. He asked my first friend for the guy's phone number, and a text message conversation ensued:

Friend 2: I have a guy in my trunk with his pants down around his boots. I need your help. I need you to bring a bottle of calomine lotion and a Bjork cd.
Douchebag: Who is this?
Friend 2: Baby, don't play with me.
Douchebag: Who the fuck is this?
Friend 2: I need your help. He's waking up.
Douchebag: Look, I don't know who you are. If you need help disposing of the body call me. Otherwise piss off!
Friend 2: Close your eyes and tell me you don't know who I am.
Douchebag: I don't know who you are fucko!
Friend 2: Nevermind. I'll see you at the game tomorrow.

And that was it. I can't imagine what must have been going through Douchebag's mind as he was getting these texts. Especially the very last one, because he really did have a game today, so someone he didn't know obviously had personal information about him. I thought the whole thing was hilarious. I doubt Douchebag felt the same way.





*I don't know if he actually said this last part, but I put it in anyway for the benefit of the story.

** Since I don't have the actual texts I'm writing this from memory so some of the wording might be a little off, but if so, not by much.