Girls and boys in school

Today I took Togers to his new school and got him registered for classes.  When we finished, I texted Tortellini.

Me:  [Togers] is going to have a busy year:  driver's ed, careers, law enforcement, guitar, computer technology, Spanish, physics, language arts, geometry, financial literacy, sociology, lifetime fitness, consumer health.

Tortellini:  Why does he have 12 classes?

Me:  That's just how he rolls.

Me:  Some of them are only for one semester, so the second semester has a different group.

Tortellini:  Oh, that's cool that he's taking a guitar class though.

Me:  I think he'll have a fun year.  He's already impressed with the number of cute girls ;-)

Tortellini:  Hahaha.  Of course.  I hope he has a good year too!  He's a freaking Junior.  That's crazy to me.

Me:  Crazy to me too.  Crazier that you're out on your own.  I feel old!

Tortellini:  You are not old.  I mean . . . you are . . but not compared to most parents with an 18 year old.

Me:  You're not helping!

I'm a man, a man of simple pleasures, I got all I need . . .

The other day I received a picture text from a girl:

I responded with: I'll be right over.

I'm only sharing this in case you were wondering what sexting with me would be like.

Three words that became hard to say: I and love and you

Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky

Reason #327 why my siblings shouldn't allow me to interact with their children can be observed in the following text conversation with my niece:

If you could flick a switch and open your third eye you'd see that we should never be afraid to die

It shouldn't come as a big surprise that I hate most meetings. I was in a particularly boring one the other day, so I started texting the ridiculous things the woman was saying to my friend.

I followed those up with two more texts:

Why should I have to suffer alone?

and

I can't take it anymore. I'm about to stab myself in the eye.

He responded with: Don't stab your eye. Blind some other fucker in the room.

Alas, I didn't have anything sharp.

You're a superstar, at the gay bar

The other day I was in the lab working when one of the undergraduate researchers came in to do some bench work. He set up his laptop, and started playing music from his itunes library. Most of it was show tunes.

I texted a friend about it, lamenting the fact that I'd forgotten to bring in my iPod that day.

My friend texted this back: Punch him in his gay little ball sack - noone should have to put up with that shit.

He's right. But luckily for that undergraduate, he'd finished his work and left by the time I'd received my instructions.

Now the beaver once slept for seven days and gave us all an awful fright, so I tickled his chin and gave him a pinch and the bastard tried to bite

On my way to Vegas last weekend I stopped for gas and saw a bumper sticker that I couldn't NOT buy right then and there. It said: I ♥ BEAVER.

I called my sister afterward and told her what I'd found. She requested that I go back right then and buy ten more. I was already getting back on the freeway, so I told her I'd stop again and buy her some on my way home. I did. But I only gave her five. The other five I sent to friends who would display it proudly.

One of my friends received it today at work. He texted me and said he'd buy me something if I displayed it on my car right next to my parking sticker. Presumably so the ultra-conservative university parking enforcement would see it every time they checked.

I texted him back and said they don't even issue parking permits anymore. They just scan license plates now, so I put it on my refrigerator instead.



Our text conversation continued:

Him: So you like your beaver on the fridge?

Me: I like it anywhere I can get it.

Him: So you're easy.

Me: And cheap. Spread the word. Particularly to any hot chicks.

Him: Being easy rarely works for hot chicks.

Him: Get ready for ugly chicks!


Damn! He's right. Lower standards, here I come.

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing, don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Someone made an unflattering comparison to me recently, and I joked to my sister that I was going to go kill myself because of it.

She texted me yesterday: What is your preferred method of death? I'm having [husband] fly me down.

I answered: Autoerotic asphyxiation. But I don't think you can help me with that.

Well I tried my best to make her listen

Yesterday my sister sent me this picture in a text message along with the words "now you know."



I wrote back: I'm gonna need the address.

What? I could use the practice.

Coming down from my siamese dream

The first week of classes this semester:

Me: I have two sets of identical twins in the same class section. What are the odds of that?

Friend: Are they two sets of hot Japanese girls?

Me: Um. No.

Friend: Well then are they siamese hermaphrodites ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies?

Me: It appears that your wildest fantasies are much different than mine.

Friend: Perhaps.

I need a mother, I'm sorry but it's true

Last Friday one of my friends asked if I was going to go to a departmental party. I told him that I wasn't because I'd forgotten about it, and had already told some people I'd meet up with them.

Friend: Oh really? Who?

Me: Your mom. We're going to hook up later.

Friend: You obviously haven't seen my mom. I'll show you some pictures and we'll put an end to this business right now.

Me: Maybe, but she'd be fine after a few drinks.

Later in the evening, once the departmental party was winding down, he texted my other friend to see if we were still out.

Text 1: Who's there?

Text 2 (a few seconds later): Not my mom.

My friend's text back: Your sister and your wife.

He showed up a few minutes later:

Friend 1: Where's everybody at? I was expecting a family reunion.

Me: They just left.

Friend 2: They needed to go clean up.

Friend 1: I hate you guys.

A few minutes later, Friend 2 leaned over and whispered to me, "I changed your name in the contacts list in my phone. Now it says [Friend 1]'s Mom. Text me something foul."

So I did.

He showed it to Friend 1.

The look on his face was priceless.

All the kids are staying fat

I have a friend who recently got a boob job. She and I used to have the same workout schedule, so I texted her yesterday to see if she was able to work out yet.

Me: Been to the gym lately, or is it too soon for The Girls?

Her: Been asking to see if anyone wants to go, but everyone's busy. I can do cardio, but no lifting. I really need to go. I'm flabby. And I need to buy a new gym top because the old one can't contain the new excitement.

Me: I'm going a little later. Probably just treadmill stuff. I'm flabby too.

When I went to type 'flabby' my predictive text tried to put 'flaccid' instead. Of all the times I should be glad I read my texts as I write them instead of just sending them off, this has to be near the top of the list.

Her mouth was sewn shut but her eyes were still wide

I texted my friend to let her know that she and another friend of ours were both pictured on a web site we all frequent.

Her: It's because the world revolves around you or [site] isn't really that popular.

Me: Must be the first.

Her: Ah yes, as a biologist you would opt for the God complex choice.

Me: Careful or I'll snuff you out =)

Her: Are you aware you just threatened to rape and kill me?

Me: Yeah, but the smiley face makes it okay.

Her: Not everything [Professor] does to you is legal!

Me: [no response]

Her: The silence means I won, right?

Me: I'm just plotting.

Her: I'm not sure if I should be terrified or amused.

Me: How about both?

Her: How about bored? Put up or shut up!

I know I just want to thank you for thinking of me

Me: Should I have sent those guys an email thanking them for the interview?

Friend (who works for the guys who interviewed me last week): No. We don't know what to do with politeness!

Me: Ok. Good. I've always felt that was a douchebag move but a few people have told me I should.

Friend: Those people are d-bags.

I am ahead, I am advanced

I love that I can wake up at 3 a.m. with an "Aha!!" moment, and rather than get up and scramble for a piece of paper and a pen, I can just grab my cell phone and text it to myself so that I don't forget what it was once I go back to sleep.

Technology is great.

Suck on that, Darwin!

You're a superstar at the gay bar

Last night one of my gay friends texted me:

Him: Did you get it figured out babe?

Me: Figure what out? Are you drunk texting me again*?

Him: Ha ha. OMG [Minnow] yes.

Me: Thought so.

Him: Maybe I should call you babe more often. What do you think?

Me: Whatever floats your boat. At least someone would be calling me that.

Him: I've been calling you that in my dreams for a while. You should hook a brother up.

Me: Well you know right now I'm about to take some toenail polish** off. I'm halfway there.

Him: Well, if you need a bj you know who to call.

Me: Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later I got a text from another friend:

Him: Is something going on between you and [Gay Friend]?

Me: Just sexting.

Him: Ha. I'm in the car with him.

Me: I figured. I might have him all hot and ready for you.

Him: Thanks. Hopefully he rides bareback tonight.

Me: I heard he always does.

Him: He tricked me then.








*I don't know who my number is next to in his phone, but this is the third or fourth time he's texted me by mistake, and it's always regarding something about which I have no clue.

**They put on some kind of clear coat when my friend convinced me to go get a pedicure with her the other day. The shiny toenails have been driving me crazy ever since, but I just now got around to purchasing stuff to remove it with.

God don't make lonely girls

Last Week

Girl: Any plans for the weekend?

Me: No. I'll probably just work. You?

Girl: I kept the weekend free so I could study, but my boyfriend's out of town with some friends, so if you change your mind and want to do something give me a call.



I told one of my friends about this exchange and she said, "That's the kind of girl who says that because she thinks you're safe, but secretly hopes that you're not."

I didn't call her. The last thing I need would be getting shot by a jealous boyfriend who came home early.

I wish this could've been any other way, but I just don't know, I don't know else I can do

Waiting for a job interview to begin is the only time you don't want to receive a text like this:

You should play hookey with me today and take me to the mall because I am afraid to drive and I need to go to Victoria's Secret. You can see my boobs ;)

Every time I find a girl beaten, gagged and bound, I let her go and write it down

Friend: Is rape your favorite game? See Redacted.

Me: Depends on if I'm giving or receiving.

When you're back in your old neighborhood cigarettes taste so good

Yesterday I received a text from my ex-wife:

Your son just said that I need to exercise more and eat less because I'm getting bigger, not smaller.




I would say I've never been more proud of Mr M, except my ex also sent me this picture the other day:



We are simply the best parents* in the entire world.








*It's fake.