Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I was trying to keep the door locked, now realize that's a mistake

I'm going against the line of reasoning that says anything posted after 2 a.m. is probably best left unsaid, but I can't sleep because of what's on my mind so here we go. I have a confession to make. For the last few months I've been dating someone. Or I should say, I had been dating someone. During that time, this girl and I became more than friends, but not quite a couple. That is until a couple weeks ago when she and I decided that we'd be better off if we were just friends.

The other night I went out with a friend and she asked me if I was still seeing this girl. I explained the whole situation to her, including the part about how we'd decided to call it off. When I'd finished talking she asked me a simple question: Are you afraid of commitment?

Right there my friend summed it up in three little words. Afraid of commitment. As cliché as it sounds, that's exactly what the problem was. It wasn't the lack of chemistry, or any of the other things the girl and I had discussed when we decided to end things. It was that I was afraid to commit to her, to come right out and ask her to be my girlfriend. I still don't know why I couldn't do that. It's not that I didn't think about it, because I did. She would have made a great one, but I just couldn't make myself say the words.

Well, last night I saw the girl for the first time since she and I called things off. I had a few things I was getting rid of that she could use, so I invited her over for dinner so she could pick them up. It was nice to see her, don't get me wrong, but it affected me more than I thought it would. A lot more. I kept wanting to touch her, put my arms around her, and when she left I wanted to kiss her goodnight, but I couldn't. That's when it occurred to me. I'd messed up something good.

I'm fairly certain that it's too late to change anything. I have reason to suspect that she's interested in someone else already. Even if that's not the case, she obviously wasn't happy with the way things were and where they were going. My head still tells me that we did the right thing. I just wonder how long it's going to take for my heart to agree. I really do miss her.


Gypsy said...

Matters of the heart are so tricky and complicated but only because we make it so. My advice for what it's worth.....tell the girl exactly what you have just told us. Maybe she wasn't happy with things the way they were because she could sense your reluctance to step things up a level. If that has changed, tell her. You've got nothing to lose and who knows....maybe a lot to gain. Good Luck Minnow.

Blazngfyre said...

I have to agree with Gypsy.
You should really tell her what you've just told us.
Don't pretend to know what's in her heart, or mind.
Tell her what's in yours and let her decide.

Just another $0.02 opinion.

Delirious said...

Well, just like I told Amberlilies, there are stages of growth that we have to go through. Just like there are different stages of grief, there are other "stages" we go through. Coming out of a divorce, you are probably still going through some of those stages. Once you get through them, I think you will be ready to move on.
The other thing I keep thinking is that there are MANY people who you could be with and enjoy and love, but that doesn't mean you should to commit to them. Some relationships weren't meant to be permanent. But that's the whole game. Get to know them, enjoy the time you spend, and only commit if you are really sure.
Okay...that's my 100 cents worth. :)

steph said...

i'm sorry to read about that...and as someone who used to run screaming from committment, i do understand where you are coming from. i never in a million years thought i would get married -- it's scary and risky and you can get hurt. i realized, though, that past relationships used to mean me keeping a wall around myself and not getting close, but still getting hurt, and also living with regret that i didn't take a risk. for me, i finally realized it was better to take a risk with my heart, especially since i do in every other aspect of my life, and get hurt than be filled with regret and wonder and what could have happened.

that all being said, i do think it's ok for people not to want to get married or be in conventional relationships, i think everyone just needs to find out what is right for them, and not right for the rest of society.

i also agree with gypsy that if you are feeling it, tell the girl!! I think that is about 500 cents worth.

Amber said...

alright I have to add mine too - if the feelings are there then it's NEVER too late - as for asking her to be your GF there are lots of tricky ways to ask her w/o having to say the words, or there's always the third grade version, send her an email that says will you be my gf? check yes or no LOL I think you should do it - bf/gf relationships are still fairly easy to get out of, it's not that big of a commitment really, trust me i've had dozens! LOL

Anonymous said...

don't be a pussy! commitment sucks!

AnoMALIE said...

This is tricky...
I'd say you tell her, like some people on here have said.
But then again, doing that might mess her up in case she was "moving on."

I'd tell her.
Just so you can be sure you did everything you could to keep her.

Good luck!

Kris said...

I think there might be a reason why you didn't commit.
I say Keep Looking!!!!
You're in Vegas, Baby!

Nene said...

It's never too late.

upset waitress said...

Ahhh ya big dummy. But I don't blame you on the commitment thing. I've been with my BF, the father of my child for 15 years. Nope, I won't marry him.

Anonymous said...

Damn, that was like watching 2 minutes of any random movie on the Lifetime channel while channel surfing. Or reliving a love letter you wrote in high school. Give us some warning next time!!

Kris said...

Okay, my comment was kind of harsh.
I was thinking about something else, I think.

silentkid said...

"You smell like bigfoot's dick."

Native Minnow said...

Ok, sorry about that. I should have listened to my instincts and not posted this. I would say lesson learned, but I'm a slow learner.

I spoke to her last night. She and I both cleared up some things, and while it didn't really change much, it changed enough that I feel better now. At least I think I do. I hope she does too.

mindy said...

I'm glad you were able to talk to her and clear things up. I think it's perfectly reasonable to miss a person and want to be with them even if you don't want it to last forever. The issue is that most people don't want to stay in the same place, relationship-wise, forever. So you either have to move forward or call things off.

And I think you were fine to post this. It's okay to talk about real things. Every once in a while. ;-)