I am trying to break your heart

[And now, once again, it's time for some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be dispensing relationship advice.]


Things not to say to your significant other*:

- I'm sorry. I wanted so much more, but instead I settled for you.
- I've never, not once, found you attractive.
- Your voice grates on my nerves.
- I'm only with you because I felt sorry for you.
- What do I see in her? Well, for starters, she's pretty.
- Go ahead, do it, and I'll break your fucking head open.








*Unless you want the relationship to end right then.

Coddle some men they'll remember you bitterly

Last night at my friend's going away party:

Her Gay Roommate (Male): See? That's why I'm single. Relationships are too messed up.

Her Straight Guy Friend: Same here. I don't have a girlfriend because they're such a pain in the ass.

Gay Roommate: Boyfriends are too. Literally.

The mistake at the beginning of thinking love will stay bright and shiny new

Here's some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be giving relationship advice, but whatev.

You don't get to complain that your significant other doesn't treat you very well if you tell others that he's "a fucking pussy" and call him things like "fuckface" or "fucking retard" when he does something a little differently than you would.

You can't have a mouth like that and expect to be treated like a princess. It just doesn't work that way.

I was trying to keep the door locked, now realize that's a mistake

I'm going against the line of reasoning that says anything posted after 2 a.m. is probably best left unsaid, but I can't sleep because of what's on my mind so here we go. I have a confession to make. For the last few months I've been dating someone. Or I should say, I had been dating someone. During that time, this girl and I became more than friends, but not quite a couple. That is until a couple weeks ago when she and I decided that we'd be better off if we were just friends.

The other night I went out with a friend and she asked me if I was still seeing this girl. I explained the whole situation to her, including the part about how we'd decided to call it off. When I'd finished talking she asked me a simple question: Are you afraid of commitment?

Right there my friend summed it up in three little words. Afraid of commitment. As cliché as it sounds, that's exactly what the problem was. It wasn't the lack of chemistry, or any of the other things the girl and I had discussed when we decided to end things. It was that I was afraid to commit to her, to come right out and ask her to be my girlfriend. I still don't know why I couldn't do that. It's not that I didn't think about it, because I did. She would have made a great one, but I just couldn't make myself say the words.

Well, last night I saw the girl for the first time since she and I called things off. I had a few things I was getting rid of that she could use, so I invited her over for dinner so she could pick them up. It was nice to see her, don't get me wrong, but it affected me more than I thought it would. A lot more. I kept wanting to touch her, put my arms around her, and when she left I wanted to kiss her goodnight, but I couldn't. That's when it occurred to me. I'd messed up something good.

I'm fairly certain that it's too late to change anything. I have reason to suspect that she's interested in someone else already. Even if that's not the case, she obviously wasn't happy with the way things were and where they were going. My head still tells me that we did the right thing. I just wonder how long it's going to take for my heart to agree. I really do miss her.

You're perfect yes it's true, but without me you're only you

A few weeks ago I was talking to a girl I know and somehow we got on the subject of her sister. She told me that her sister is a few years older than us, but is absolutely gorgeous.

Me: If your sister's that pretty then hook a guy up. Wait, she's probably married, huh.
Her: She is.
Me: Well, if she's looking to have a mid-life crisis, tell her I'm her guy.
Her: Actually, she might be. I'll let her know.

Since then it's been a running joke between us, and every time we run into each other I ask about her sister.

About a week ago I asked how her sister was doing and she told me that she was meeting up with her "gorgeous" sister later that night. I told her that my offer still stood.

Another guy I know overheard this and said, "You don't have enough lack of moral fiber to be able to pull something like that off."

Damn! He's right. The thing is, I'm not sure whether he meant that as a compliment or an insult.

And the woman who says she'll have me I long for her embrace

I'm currently reading a book titled Special Topics in Calamity Physics (go here for a review of it, it's not exactly what you'd think by reading the title). I'm only about halfway through, but I've enjoyed reading it and would recommend it even without knowing the ending*.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that I read a passage this morning that perfectly sums up my take on relationships.

"I'd never contemplated relationships very much (Dad said they were preposterous if I was under twenty-one and when I was over twenty-one Dad considered it Fine Points, Minutiae, a question of transportation or ATM location in a new town; "We'll figure it out when we get there," he said with a wave of his hand) and yet, in that moment, when I moved past Milton and Joalie, both of them smiling confidently in spite of the fact at distances greater than fifteen feet they looked like a gorilla walking a teacup Yorkie, I actually felt awed by the remote possibilities of the person you liked ever liking you back a corresponding amount. And this mathematical conundrum started its long division in my head at breakneck speed, so by the time I sat down in the front row of AP Calculus and Ms. Thermopolis at the dry-erase board was trying to wrestle to the ground a robust function from our homework, I was left with a disturbing number.

"I suppose it was why, after years of playing the odds, some people cashed in their measly chips for their Zach Soderberg, the kid who was like a cafeteria, so rectangular and brightly lit there wasn't a millimeter of exciting murk or thrilling secret (not even under the plastic chairs or behind the vending machines). The only saturnine miasma to be found in him was maybe a bit of mold on the orange Jell-O. The boy was all creamed spinach and stale hot dog.

"You couldn't make a grisly shadow on his wall if you tried."

I cashed in my measly chips once before (albeit without the years of playing the odds, and it was for someone with too much "exciting murk" and too many "thrilling secrets"). It didn't work out all that well. While I don't wish to repeat that experience, I don't want to end up with a Stepford Wife either (well, except for the impossibly beautiful part). The odds are most definitely not in my favor.




* If you want to check it out from the library on campus you may run into some confusion as I accidentally forgot to check the book out before leaving the building. Obviously, it won't be on the shelf even though the library catalogue will say it should be. I know the right thing to do would be to take it back and check it out properly, but I'm far too lazy for that, so I'll just return it when I've finished reading.

Don't wanna wake up with noone beside me, don't wanna take up with nobody new

Earlier this week I had breakfast with my ex-girlfriend. She was in town for the weekend and called to see if I wanted to see her before she flew out. To be honest, I was a little surprised that she called, but I've said before that we wanted to stay friends, so it made me feel good that she did. I was beginning to have my doubts about whether that was still going to be the case.

The timing was a little weird because I have been thinking about her lately. That's not to say that I'm sitting around moping, but occasionally I think about what might have been if she hadn't moved 2000 miles away.

She looked good, as always. We had a lot of catching up to do, but in some ways it was almost like no time at all had passed, even though I haven't seen her in nearly a year. It's funny how you forget about the little things though. Like the fact that she always eats weird stuff for breakfast (seriously, a chicken panini?).

She's basically the reason that I have so many rules for who I'll consider getting into a relationship with (well, that and the fact that I don't want to end up in a relationship like I had with my ex-wife again). There are women out there who fit my criteria, it's just a matter of finding them, getting them interested and then keeping them nearby.

You know she begs me not to hit her

A lot of people tell me that I'm a nice guy. I'm probably too nice. In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe the reason I'm still single is that I'm not violent enough. I guess there are worse things than being single. Like being single and poor for example. It's obviously much better to be single, rich, and in prison.

You wait for something that'll make the waiting worth the wait

It's been a long time since I've been on a first date with someone. Those of you who know me might think it's been a little too long, but I'm going to have to say that I'm ok just having an occasional lunch with the girl I have a huge crush on (even when it ends with me catching a cold from her). Well, at least I'm ok with it for now.

Part of the reason for my lack of dating is because I don't meet a lot of new people. The other part is that I can usually tell pretty quickly whether someone meets enough of my requirements to pique my interest. Usually they don't. But, even when they do, it's a rare occasion when they also happen to be available.

So why am I bringing this up? It's because of this story. It's not a story of my own. It's the story of a friend of mine who recently went to dinner with his girlfriend and ended up at a table where they could observe an obvious first date. He said it was kind of funny watching each of them try to impress the other, and the general awkwardness of it all. Naturally, this prompted my friend and his girlfriend to reminisce about their first date. (For some reason couples seem to like to do that. Isn't it cute?)

The following is what I can remember of the conversation as he told it to me:

Her: I remember laughing a lot. In fact, I was probably laughing a little too much. I was thinking that what you'd said was funny, but not funny enough to have me laughing that hard.
Him: Aw, you were trying to impress me, weren't you?
Her: Well, my boobs shake when I laugh, so I was probably trying to get you to notice that.
Him: I remember that you had a low cut shirt on that night.
Her: Really? Because I wore it, but I didn't catch you looking down even once.
Him: I make a conscious effort not to do that when I'm with a woman.
Her: I was impressed, but I was also a little disappointed.

5 secrets to a good relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Ok, so I really only believe the first four (and maybe not even number 1 completely), but it made me laugh when I saw it, and I didn't have any other ideas to post. So there.

My life and the movies

Every once in a while, I’ll watch a movie and feel as if a part of the script has been taken from a segment of my life. Incidentally, these often become some of my favorite movies. Some of the more recent ones include The Royal Tenenbaums, Garden State, Closer, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you haven’t seen these movies yet, I highly recommend them (with the exception of Closer. If you’ve ever been cheated on it will probably bring out feelings that you’d rather forget).

I just finished watching We Don’t Live Here Anymore for the fifth time. I saw it for the first time at the Sundance Film Festival a few years ago and immediately fell in love with it. This one is along the same lines as Closer, in that it is also not an easy one to watch if you’ve been cheated on, but that is probably why it gripped me the way it did. I just wish that I could have dealt with situations in my life with some of the same attitudes as the characters in this movie. Of course, in real life you only get one take.

I find myself enamored with trying to determine what causes a relationship to fall apart. I’m not sure exactly why, because it’s not like I recognize when it’s happening in one of mine. Maybe I’m just hoping to catch some of these things so I don’t make those mistakes in my next one. Although sometimes if feels futile, since there are a million different things that can cause the deterioration of a good relationship.

The thing that scares me is that while I despise infidelity (just have the guts to leave if you’re no longer in love), I find myself sympathizing with some of the jerks in these movies, and I’m not sure what that says about me. I’m just glad that I recognize this because maybe that means there’s hope for me to fix it. Here’s hoping that this introspection eventually pays off.

Why'd you have to be so cute?

Is it possible to be dumped by someone, even if you never were going out with them? I'm starting to think that's happened to me. There's a girl I am very interested in, and have been for a while. I've told her as much, and she led me to believe that she was interested in me as well. Unfortunately, due to some reasons I don't want to get into here, and due to some that I don't even understand, nothing has really progressed with her. We've had a few lunches together, but have hardly even talked since the end of last semester. I don't know if that's because I spent so much time out of town over the holidays, or if it's because it got too inconvenient to talk to me. It's too bad because she's absolutely gorgeous, funny, smart and just cool to hang out with. I'm hoping to get a chance to see her again soon, maybe that will help me figure it out.

My biggest problem is that I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships. My divorce has left me scarred, there's no doubt about that. I don't know what it will take in order for me to be able to fully trust in someone again, but it's not going to be an easy thing. If something can fall apart after 8 years, I don't know that I'll truly believe that it won't happen again. My insecurity was partially to blame for the failure of my last relationship (although the distance certainly played a role as well). It's not necessarily a bad thing if kept in check since those feelings will prevent me from taking anyone (or anything) for granted again. The hard part is keeping those feelings in check. I need to get to work on that.

True Player

I ran into a former student of mine yesterday and we got on the subject of relationships. She's just broken up with her boyfriend so was feeling pretty down. I tried to give her some encouragement about how things will get better in time, she'll find someone new, etc. but I doubt it did much to cheer her up.

She asked me about how my relationships were going I told her that I didn't have any, but that there was a girl I'm interested in. I just don't know if there's much chance for it to go anywhere. She replied to this by calling me a player. Apparently in her opinion I haven't waited long enough to even be thinking about a new girlfriend. I'm not sure exactly what the right amount of time is, but I'm pretty sure that since it's been nearly 15 months since the last time I've even seen my ex-girlfriend, it's been plenty of time. If anyone has any tips on exactly what the appropriate amount of time to wait is, by all means clue me in.

After this girl called me a player I reminded her that in order to be a player, I would actually have to get women. Since that doesn't seem to be the case, I don't really think the word applies. I guess that like everything else there are people who are good at what they do, and people who aren't. It's possible that I am indeed a player, just not a very good one.