Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found, turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground

I was walking in one of the buildings on campus the other day when I saw a professor from my department carrying a small skull.

Me: Dude*, what's going on?

Him: Just trying to get a little head**.







*Got to show the proper levels of respect.

**As you can see, I'm not the only one who likes to keep it classy around here.

I hate you, talking to myself, everybody's staring at me

Those of you who are on facebook know that just about everybody has been posting pictures of their celebrity doppelgangers. Mine was a no brainer.



But hands down, the one that caught me the most off guard was posted by one of my friends (who happens to be white).



That picture is wrong on so many levels. I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

The young quarterback waits for the snap when suddenly it all starts to make sense

Sports has made me a hypocrite. Why? Because I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. You know where this is headed.

Like everyone else with the ability to discern right from wrong, I was appalled at Michael Vick's dog fighting scandal when that news broke. As more and more became known about the atrocities that he participated in, I was even more disgusted. He deserved everything he got. The prison time. The bankruptcy. Everything.

When Vick was released from prison, I knew he would play in the NFL again, and I was sure it would be this season. There's always a team that's willing to take a chance if they think it will help them win. I just didn't think it'd be "my" team. I was very surprised when I heard that he'd signed with the Eagles, and even more surprised when I heard that Donovan McNabb was the one who approached management with the idea. I figured that if he played it would be for a team with a history of signing players with baggage, like the Cowboys or the Raiders.

My initial response was shock. I couldn't believe the Eagles were taking a chance like this. Not after the Terrell Owens debacle anyway. But that only lasted a short while, and then I bought into it. I started thinking about how Vick might be able to help my team win games, and the prospect made me feel better about the upcoming season. So now I'm hoping he performs well. I have to. Either that or renounce my team, and I'm not willing to do that.

Had he signed with any other team, I'd probably still refer to him as the dog killer. Especially if it was the Cowboys. Now that he's on "my" team, I argue that he deserves a second chance. After all, I'd like to think that if I ever screwed up that I'd be able to do my time and be able to get a job doing something in the same field I was trained in (See how easy that is for me to rationalize? Not that I'd screw up as badly as he did, but still).

And that's why I'm a hypocrite. But at least I didn't take it as far as one Eagles fan who was asked about how he felt about Vick being on the team. His response was more along the lines of: Well, he didn't kill my dog.

Oh boy, find out what's up with me

Here are several statements that may or may not be true about things I've done in my life. Treat it like a True/False test and see how well you perform.

1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.

2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.

3. I married a seventeen year old girl.

4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.

5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.

6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.

7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)

8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.

Old as piss but small as ass

Me: Do you know what's funny?

Girl: A midget juggling chickens?

Me: What I was going to say was . . ., but a midget juggling chickens is pretty funny.

I wasn't really drunk I was just pretending

Saturday marked the second time I've participated in an annual horseshoe tournament put on by a friend of a friend. Like last year, I had a great time. Unlike last year, my team (Whore'z Shoooz) didn't make it as far. We finished somewhere in the middle of the pack (30 teams total), but outlasted the champs of the previous two years, so that was almost like winning the whole thing. Almost. Ok, not really.

A few highlights of the day:

- The host lit off fireworks during the singing of the National Anthem, surprising everybody, including my friend who was singing. The song ended with the sound of jets flying over being blared from the speakers as well. A little while later, police arrived on the scene to investigate reports of shots being fired.

- I met a girl from Chicago who knows, and hangs out with, a couple members of Wilco. She took down my contact information to give them in case they come to Vegas again. I'm sure nothing will come of it, but it would be pretty cool if it did.

- My partner was showing me a scar he got on his calf while he was mountain biking a few weeks ago:

Him: I should've gotten stitches on that, but that's ok. Chicks dig scars, right?
Me: That's what they say, but if you really want to know, ask some. There are a few right there.
Me (to a group of girls): Can you guys answer a question for my friend here? He wants to know if it's really true that chicks dig scars.
Girl: That depends. Not if it's some kind of horrible disfigurement across your face.

- Since I was the only one not drinking, a friend and his wife asked if I could drive a few of them to go get some food. We took his Jeep to the drive-through at Sonic:

Two 13 year old girls: We love your mohawk!
Friend: Thanks! I love you too!
Me (to his wife): Uh oh. Are you feeling threatened?
Friend's Wife: Not by two 13 year olds. That'd be illegal.
Friend: Not necessarily. If I do them both at the same time they'd be 26.

- One girl told me I look like Taylor Hicks.

Me: I don't know who Taylor Hicks is.
Her: He's from American Idol.
Me: That's why. I don't watch that show.
Her: Sing me a song.
Me: I can't. I don't know what he sings.
Her: Sing anything. It doesn't matter.
Me: My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R . . .

- My friends, a married couple, were one of the last six teams standing. Despite being up on their opponent 15 to 5, they ended up losing the match. The husband was quite upset after that.

Someone: Cheer up. It's not that bad.
Him: In order to do that, I'll need to squeeze the head off a small child. Well, any small mammal will do.
Me: I don't think they have any pets, so you're out of luck.
Him: Not even a goldfish? I could cut the face off a goldfish with some scissors.
Me: I don't think so, but I'll tell you what, if that's what you need, I'll drive you down to Wal-Mart and we can buy you a few goldfish.
Him: I'm going to need at least a dozen.

- After the games were over, a few of the people who came in from New York wanted to go out and gamble.

Guy 1: I want to go play cards. Who wants to go play cards?
Goldfish Hater: I don't. That's for homosexual tourists.
Me (to Guy 1): So by all means, go ahead.



A few lowlights of the day:

- Whore'z Shoooz got knocked out after four games. Both losses were close, we just couldn't pull it out at the end. Our elimination game was 10 to 9 and the opposing team hit a ringer to end it. I liked that girl before too, but hate her now. Her husband too.

- Since I was the only one sober enough to drive, I ended up driving people to the liquor store a couple of times. I think in all there were three kegs consumed, along with two gallons of Jagermeister. That's not a typo. My partner started referring to me as 'beer bitch'.

- Some of the ladies (including the hottest girl there) set up a Slip 'n Slide, and said they were going to go on it nude at 9:05, then never did.

- I got stuck talking to a drunk girl in the kitchen without a way to escape. She went on and on about her ex-husband and how he cheated on her, about how her daughter didn't respect her step-mom, and blah, blah, blah, for about 30 minutes. Apparently someone thought I was hitting on her and her boyfriend eventually came in and pulled her away (I never got a chance to thank him for that). After that, I told my friend that if she saw me talking to her again, to come and save me.

- I drove a group of people back to their hotel, and a guy stuck his head out the window and puked. Luckily, none of it got in the car, but I still had to stand in the street at my friend's house and hose it off at three o'clock in the morning.

- Finally crawling into bed at 3:46 a.m.