Here's my list of failed Halloween costumes, and the reasons why I didn't go with them.
I'm incapable of growing a neck beard.
Bill Phelps: Michael Phelps estranged step-brother
I don't have a "good" enough body to show off, plus I'm not hung like there's a cucumber in my speedo.
I couldn't find a battle-ax.
I have both of my testicles.
Didn't want to have to bother with finding a molester van to drive around.
Altar Boy: First Communion
I didn't want to have to constantly look over my shoulder to make sure Pedophile Cowboy wasn't trying to stick something up my butthole*.
Trick or Treat Octopus
I couldn't find a pumpkin.
*That's especially for the anonymous comment from the other day.