Like eating a sandwich it is neither straight nor gay

One of my friends recently went on a trip to the Northwest Territories. While he was there, he walked by a place that specializes in German sausages and had this mural on the wall. He said it reminded him of me and another one of my friends, so he walked several blocks back to the car so he could get his camera and take a picture for us.



I don't know whose idea it was to paint this mural, but I'm going to go ahead and add this to the list of things that should've been run by me before becoming a reality.

While we're on the subject can we change the subject now?

One last thing about my trip to British Columbia, and then I'll move on to other things. I swear. I don't know if it's because of the lower speed limit (100 km/hr = 62 mi/hr) or what, but it seemed to me that there was a lot less road kill along their highways. That said, I'd sure hate to be the person who hit the moose I saw dead on the side of the road. I'm pretty sure that could mess up your vehicle. Oddly enough, that was the only moose I saw the entire trip. I figured I'd see some because they have these signs posted everywhere.

I know the signs had me on extra alert, but obviously it didn't work for whoever hit the dead one. Maybe it's because he saw one of the newer, artsy moose crossing signs instead.

Of course, that doesn't really look like a moose, so maybe the person didn't see the moose standing in the road because they were on the lookout for one of these instead.

One thing I find interesting is the different animal crossing signs you see in different parts of North America. I saw a caribou crossing sign in B. C., but didn't take a picture of it since it was dark and I figured I'd see more (I didn't). I know they have armadillo crossing signs in Texas and Oklahoma, but I'm not sure anything is quite as odd as the ones they have in southern California.

Every highway that I go down seems to be longer than the last one I knew about

Got a minute? Good! Have a seat and I'll share a few random thoughts and observations I had while I was on my trip:

• I am amazed by the number of drivers that obey the speed limit.
• This is either the cheapest or most expensive hotel room I've ever had. I'm not sure which.
• I don't know how anyone can afford to drive an SUV. That said, anybody who wants to gain my undying affection can buy me a Toyota Highlander and they will have it.
• Pretty much the only thing I saw while driving across southern Idaho was volcanic rock, sagebrush and potatoes, thus lending support to Maddox's claim.
• Even if it is your name, you should try to come up with a better company slogan than "R. C. Worst Co. - Expect the Best from Worst."
• Does anyone stop and read historical markers along highways? Didn't think so.
• Blow up doll + Rope + Road sign = Hilarious!
• Sandpoint, ID was very disappointing this time through.*
• It is extremely difficult to convert kilometers to miles in your head. Luckily, I had a built in conversion table. (This was probably the first time I've ever paid attention to the little numbers on the speedometer.)
• For a country that uses the metric system, there are sure a lot of places in British Columbia that are named using the English system (e.g., 16 mile lake, 70 mile roadhouse, etc.).
• British Columbia has a lot of hitchhikers on its highways, but all of them are dudes. That's probably because any attractive female hitchhikers get picked up immediately.
• Signs on public restrooms are a bit more graphic in British Columbia than they are in Las Vegas. This seriously cracked me up (enough that I walked several hundred yards to the vehicle and back, just so I could take the picture):

• Enough bugs on a windshield can look like a deer on the side of the road.
• Enough rain can wash all the bugs off a windshield without the driver having to do a single thing.
• I don't get to drive down roads like this often enough:
  
• August 11 is too early to be driving through snow!
• Seriously, what are Canadian geese doing in Canada?
• Ryan Adams' new album Easy Tiger isn't as bad as I initially thought.
• It must be some kind of rule that if you're Mennonite you have to drive a navy blue colored vehicle.
• It's easy to win a cheesy fingers contest when you've got the whole bag of Cheetos to yourself.
• The time to start wondering whether your rental vehicle has all the components necessary to change a tire is not right after you've blown a tire on a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road, in bear country, at dusk.**
• The most optimal place for a road closed sign is NOT 85 km down a road that is only 87 km long. Especially when that road is a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road in bear country.
• Vancouver is my new favorite city, but it's not easy to navigate solo. (I'm sure the fact that I missed my exit had absolutely nothing to do with the blonde woman driving next to me in a sporty little red car.)
• A bag of Riesen's candies should last longer than twenty minutes, but doesn't.
• Canadian customs officials are all nice.*** United States customs officials are assholes.
• I would marry Aimee Mann for her voice.
• After going nine days without a shower, you still feel clean as a whistle after only going three.
• Stinging nettle really does sting!
• There is absolutely no reason for any public restroom to still be using bar soap, and even less reason for there to be pubic hair stuck to a bar of soap in a public restroom! (I'm talking to you gas station in Redding, CA.)
• Does anyone ever use the O/D Off button?
• I may need a lesson in stopping to smell the roses because I was seven miles from Crater Lake and didn't drive there to have a look.
• If you get pulled over for speeding while on an Indian reservation, will the penalty include scalping?
• The universe may have been trying to tell me something when I drove through Whiskeytown while listening to Whiskeytown (purely by coincidence).
• I'm not sure there's anything in the world that tickles as much as a bug flying up your nose.
• I'm thinking about changing study organisms to a species of fish that's a lot easier to catch, and tastes a lot better too: (The best part about this picture is that you can see how fast I'm going while one hand is filled with Swedish fish and the other is snapping a picture of it. I'm such a safe driver!)
• This song makes me a little teary eyed every time I hear it.
• I may have single handedly kept the bottled water industry afloat (bonus points to anyone who can spot the two bottles of flavored beverages I drank on the trip).
  
• I have peed in enough forest that, according to the rules of the animal kingdom, the southern half of British Columbia is now mine.
• I don't wake up in places that look like this anywhere near often enough!

*The first time I drove through Sandpoint, there were women in bikinis on every street corner. That's not an exaggeration. This time through? Not a single one.

** After fixing the tire, I drove about two miles down the road and saw a bear.

*** Even with their beady eyes and flapping heads.

I want you to notice when I'm not around

For those of you who are still checking in, I made it back safely. The trip was great. I got all the samples I needed, and got to see some beautiful scenery along the way. A lot of beautiful scenery (and some not so beautiful, but who am I to complain?).

I also saw a bear in the wild for the first time in my life (at least that I can remember). I saw the first one about two hours after I crossed the border, and ended up seeing five total. Six if you count the one that was made out of sheet metal, but I probably can't count that.

Anyway, after driving 6747 miles in two weeks, you'd think that I'd be saying things like, "Wow, I've really missed being home. It's sure good to be back."

But I'm not.

Instead, I'm finding myself saying things like, "Why does it feel as though there's a blast furnace blowing on my face?" or "Why doesn't that lake over there have any water in it?" or "Why did I just bet $1000 on the hand when the dealer got blackjack?" or "Why isn't that girl wearing any clothes?"

On second thought, maybe it is good to be back.

More later.

If you tell me that you'll wait for me I'll say I won't be here

I'm leaving for Canada first thing in the morning. I'll be running around British Columbia for the next two weeks. I'm not going to have a computer with me, nor will I be in areas where I expect there to be easy internet access anyway, so obviously I won't be posting during that time. Try not to miss me too much.

I'm going to need you to keep an eye on the internet for me while I'm away. If you can promise to do that, I'll promise to do my best not to get eaten by a bear.

Deal?

Deal!

See you when I get back.