Her mouth was sewn shut but her eyes were still wide

I texted my friend to let her know that she and another friend of ours were both pictured on a web site we all frequent.

Her: It's because the world revolves around you or [site] isn't really that popular.

Me: Must be the first.

Her: Ah yes, as a biologist you would opt for the God complex choice.

Me: Careful or I'll snuff you out =)

Her: Are you aware you just threatened to rape and kill me?

Me: Yeah, but the smiley face makes it okay.

Her: Not everything [Professor] does to you is legal!

Me: [no response]

Her: The silence means I won, right?

Me: I'm just plotting.

Her: I'm not sure if I should be terrified or amused.

Me: How about both?

Her: How about bored? Put up or shut up!

The party's crashing us now

Things that people have suggested that I do while staying in my friends' house:

- Eat all their candy.
- Sit on their couch naked.
- Shart on their pillows after eating beef stew.
- Kill the cat that meows all the time.
- Rub stay hard cream* in every pair of my friend's underwear.
- Give stay hard cream to the cats** in lieu of their hairball medication.

So far I've only been working on the first one. It looks as though I'm up for a busy weekend.





*Not meant to imply that he has (or needs) any stay hard cream. I was told to pick some up because that would be funny. If I thought it would actually work, I'd be a lot more tempted to do it.

**Too bad only one of them is male, and he doesn't need hairball medication.

I think I'm paranoid and complicated, I think I'm paranoid, manipulated

Lately one of my co-workers has been asking me where he can find my blog. I've been hesitant to tell him, not because I don't want him to read, but because I've been afraid that he'd give the address to other people who I'd prefer not to read this. So, I usually just tell him that it's not too hard to find if you know where to look.

Apparently he's serious about finding it. He told me yesterday that he's been Googling a lot of different things, but his searches have been fruitless. That's probably because he's been searching for things associated with my real name. Yesterday afternoon I finally caved when one of his office mates said that he knew someone at his old university who read it, so he could just get the address from him and pass it around. I told them both they could find it by Googling "Native Minnow" so the first guy did.

I was curious to see what his reaction would be, but he had to finish up something else before he could read it, so I went back to my office.

A little while later he yelled his response across the hall:

Him: You're pretty fucking funny.
Me: I'm glad you think so.
Him: Why aren't you this funny in real life?
Me: Maybe you just don't hang out with me enough.

He's not the first person to tell me that. Another co-worker's wife found me a few months ago and said the same thing, and she got the same answer from me. Maybe it's time to direct you to the 'About Me' section and remind you all that I'm the funniest person I know, and don't any of you motherfuckers forget it.