Starfuckers, Inc.

My brother, Dr. Psycho, told me a little while ago that he might be picking up some contract work from a rehab center that a lot of rich people and celebrities go to.

Now, it's probably not the most ethical thing, but I told him to try and set me up with the next Hollywood starlet that comes through. It doesn't even matter who it is really, as long as she's rich and famous. Lindsay Lohan? Britney Spears? Check and check. Those girls aren't really what I'd consider to be my "type," but then again, I'm shallow, so them being rich would be enough for a while. Just once I'd like to experience receiving a Ferrari for a birthday or Christmas present.

I'd totally be ok with being the next Kevin Federline.

I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem, but I'd sure like to find out so why don't you climb down off that movie screen?

Another year has gone by, and another Coachella music festival has come and gone without me being in attendance. I have nobody to blame but myself this year, as I had ample opportunity to go. A few of my friends went, and I was simply too much of a tightwad to buy a ticket and go with them.

I spoke to one of my friends this morning after he got back. He said it was a good time, and he got to see and hear a lot of good music. He also told me that I missed out.

Him: "You missed out BIG time."
Me: "Why's that?"
Him: "Well, there was a rumor that this was going to be happening, but none of us really believed it, but you know the movie Lost in Translation? The song that plays at the end of that is by The Jesus and Mary Chain. Anyway, people were saying that Scarlett Johansson was going to come out and sing a duet with them, and she did! I took pictures."

It's weird how my friend talks in links like that, I know! I keep trying to get him to quit doing it, but he won't.

Anyway, for those of you who may not know, Scarlett Johansson is on my list. You know the list. But just in case you don't know the list, she's one of my celebrity crushes. No matter what my relationship status is, if given the opportunity, I get to sleep with her with no repercussions whatsoever.

I'm sorry that I missed seeing her perform, especially in the cute little sundress she was wearing. But I have to disagree with my friend. I don't think I missed out BIG time. I only would have missed out BIG time if she'd been standing next to him in the crowd because then I would have missed out on a chance for some good old fashioned celebrity frotteurism.