Everyone wants to be a perpetual motion machine

Today, while driving across town with my friend:

Him: I would've run that light if that girl hadn't been standing at the corner ready to cross.

Me: She is cute. You made the right choice.

He drove through the next yellow light.

Me: So, you didn't want to stop to see the guy with the mullet wearing a tank top cross in front of us?

Him: I didn't see the guy with the mullet.

Me: But if you had, you totally would've stopped, right?

The hunger of addiction calls

A few things you should never do for a Klondike bar:

- Get "Klondike" tattooed across your face.

- Punch a toddler and steal his/hers.

- Sell one of your kidneys on the black market.

- Mug a clown.

- Steal from the collection plate at church.

- Short your pimp.

- Your grandmother.

I'll go stumbling home to sleep alone but it's alright, yeah it's alright

I convinced a friend of mine to go to yoga with me over the weekend. After our session he and I went to grab a bite to eat and had the following conversation over dinner.

Him: Did you see they were having a pot-luck?

Me: No. Too bad we didn't know that earlier. We could've gone.

Him: It's not today. They're having it to celebrate the anniversary of the yoga studio. I forgot the date already, but it's sometime in the next few weekends. I'll go with you if you want.

Me: We should go. It could be a good way for me to meet some of those hot girls that are always there. Maybe find out which of them have boyfriends and which don't.

Him: Why? So you'll know which ones you can stare at and do nothing about?

Me: Exactly.

I like it for fashion because the rock loves dysfunction

Last week I took my kids shopping for school clothes before they moved. Togers spent the day helping his mom load the moving van, so I started shopping with Tortellini and Mr M with the plan that she'd drop Togers off at a certain store. We finished there before she got there, so we went to a few nearby stores while we waited, including the one where Mr M picked out his new SpongeBob Boxers.

Later, when we were completely done shopping and were driving to meet their mom I realized that I'd forgotten to get new underwear for Togers.

Me: Oh no! I meant to get you some underwear, but I thought I should wait because I didn't know what kind you prefer.

Togers: Boxer briefs.

Tortellini: Actually, Dad, he goes commando.

Me: [Tortellini]! That is your brother's junk you're talking about.

Tortellini: EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!

Me: What? You're the one that brought it up.

Tortellini: Well you're the one that had to go and make me visualize it.

Maybe they're not going to miss me that much after all.

A unified theory of everything

I watched the documentary 'Jeff Tweedy: Sunken Treasure' and found out that he and I have a lot in common. Well, maybe not a lot in common, but his description about what it'd be like to be married to him is a lot like what it'd be like to be married to me, minus the guitar playing part.

So, if you want to know what it'd be like to be married to me, you should listen to the banter at the beginning of this clip, even if you don't want to listen to the entire song (but you should listen to that too, it's good).

You've been hit by a smooth criminal

Tortellini recorded this on the morning my kids left town:




Mr M really wanted me to buy him that hat while we were out shopping for school clothes.

"Dad, how much money do you got?"

"Dad, how much is this hat?"

"Dad, are you bankrupt?"

"Dad, do I look like Michael Jackson in this hat?"

Tortellini and I decided that it was so cute that I had to get it for him. He wore it for two straight days, and showed everyone his "Michael Jackson Face".

My roommate came downstairs the other morning and Mr M had the hat on.

Roommate: Hello Michael.

Mr M: My name isn't Michael.

Me: He was just saying that because you look so much like Michael Jackson that it's hard to tell the two of you apart.

Mr M: I don't look like Michael Jackson. I don't have really, really, really white skin.

Look out Mom, here come the swells

I had to say goodbye to my kids today. Again. My ex-wife got a job offer and a place to live in Arizona, and felt like she had to take it.

I understand, but it still sucks.

My kids seem to be handling it better than I am though. At least judging by this excerpt from a conversation I had with them last night:

Me: I'm really sad that you guys are moving away from here.

Mr M: Are you going to cry?

Me: Maybe*.

Mr M: Then you're a crybaby!









*Of course I cried**.

**I'm a crybaby.

The test begins NOW

In part because I was feeling lazy and didn't want to have to think of another question to put on my students' final exam, and in part because I wanted to be nice and give them a freebie, the final question on their final (see what I just did there?) was this:

What is the answer to this question?
A) A is not the answer. Do not put A.
B) B is the answer. Put B.
C) C is not the answer. B is.
D) D is not the answer either. Seriously, put B.
E) Why are you even still reading this? Put B already.

Three people missed it.

I officially give up.

I was just plain bound to forget

In case you needed more evidence that I am losing my mind, take this phone conversation that took place prior to the viewing and funeral for my friend's mom for example.

Flieswithoutwings: Where's the church? Is it the same one [Friends'] wedding reception was in?

Me: I'm not sure. Was I even at their wedding?


Turns out that not only was I there, I was his best man*. Who knew?










*Well, one of two. Flieswithoutwings was the other.

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

Last week, one of my best friends lost his mother. Her funeral was on Saturday. I debated long and hard about whether I was too busy to go, then realized that it shouldn't matter how busy I am, some things have to be more important than anything else. Close friends fall into that category, so I went. I'm glad I did.

A few observations from the weekend:

- The good ones always seem to leave us too early.

- Cancer is a bitch.

- There is absolutely nothing you can say to console someone who has just lost their mother.

- Ditto for someone who has just lost the love of their life.

- My way of dealing with grief is to try and laugh it off (sometimes it works, sometimes it makes me look like a jerk).

- It's good to see old friends, even if it is at a funeral.

Rape me my friend

Hotel Clerk (after checking us in and charging about one and a half times what the room should have cost): Is there anything else I can do for you?

My Brother: Could you give us the number for the rape hotline? Because we just got screwed.

I know I just want to thank you for thinking of me

Me: Should I have sent those guys an email thanking them for the interview?

Friend (who works for the guys who interviewed me last week): No. We don't know what to do with politeness!

Me: Ok. Good. I've always felt that was a douchebag move but a few people have told me I should.

Friend: Those people are d-bags.

Funky boss get off my back

There was a ceremony at Mr M's school because tomorrow is his last day of kindergarten. During the program each of the students stood up and said what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Most of them said they wanted to be teachers, doctors, etc.

Mr M stood up and simply said, "My name is [Mr M] and when I grow up I want to be The Boss*."








*I wonder if that means The Boss of the lemonade stand.

--------------------UPDATE--------------------

He did mean of the lemonade stand:

I know it seems like I don't care but something in me does I swear

While lecturing today, one of my students knocked an entire pile of books onto the floor. It was a distraction, but I didn't think much of it. Then another student did the same thing about ten minutes later.

When it happened the second time I stopped lecturing and said, "Am I really that boring today? Everybody seems to be falling asleep and knocking things over."

The first student approached me after class and said, "It's not that you're boring, it's just that I'm narcoleptic and they've just changed my medication again."

Fabulous. Another instance in which I've unwittingly mocked someone for a condition they have no control over.

Beaten six ways to Sunday

Local H - What would you have me do?
Can you just go home defeated
Take your pride and eat it
Crawl back beaten
Sources are depleted
Can you take the final hit and admit that you were wrong?

Don't even call it even
Bleedin' is believin'
Former well bein'
We're closing for the season
Can you take the final hit and admit that you don't belong?

Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Wait'll you see what we've planned for you
And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange and kinda strange when clichés are true
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?
What would you have me do?

Can you just go home hated
Half intoxicated
Hopelessly outdated
And not appreciated
Can you take the final blow and know that you fucked up?

Go state the overstated
Keep it complicated
The overeducated
That hope you'll never make it
Can you take the final blow and know they won't be shutting up?

We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Wait'll you see what we've planned for you
And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange but kinda strange when clichés are true
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?

Baby's out of town
But I see the light on
What are you up to now?
Headin' for the gun I can see rock bottom
No one will help you now
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Everything has been cut and dried for you

And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange but kinda strange when clichés are true
Yeah
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?

What would you have me do?
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
We're beaten six ways to Sunday

Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line too
Alright
We don't need nothing but cyanide
Pulled our teeth won't be identified
What would you have me do?

You got it
Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line too
(you got it)
Alright
We don't need nothing (you got it) but cyanide
Pulled our teeth (you got it) won't be identified
What would you (you got it) have me do?

You got it
Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve (you got it)
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat (you got it)
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line (you got it) too
(You got it)
Alright
We don't need nothing (you got it) but cyanide
Pulled our teeth (you got it) won't be identified
What would you have (you got it) me do?
(you got it)

[Repeated several more times]

Got a job at the crumb factory, it's my number one job

First thing this morning I got a phone call from my ex-wife. She wanted me to talk to Mr M because he wouldn't get ready for school.

Me: What's wrong?

Mr M: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Why not?

Mr M: Because I don't LIKE school.

Me: Well, you still have to go. You only have about another week, and then you're done with Kindergarten*. Do you want me to take you today?

Mr M: I don't know. I don't want to go.

Me: Let me be clear. You're going to school. Now do you want me to take you, or do you want your mom to take you?

Mr M: Mom, I guess.

Then my ex-wife got back on the phone. I told her to tell him that everybody has to do things they don't want to do sometimes, and that there are a lot of days when I don't want to go to work either, but I do anyway.

His response to that?

"Well, when I get older I'm not gonna have to go because I'll be a lemonade worker, and if I don't want to I won't have to go to my lemonade stand."

If that's the case, maybe I'll go be a lemonade worker too.

Mr M's got it all figured out.










*He has year round school. It sucks.

Mr. Me

I was riding with my friend the other day when he adjusted the vents on the a/c so that they were no longer blowing directly at me.

Me: Uh, no. You don't get to do that, Mister.

Him: Don't you Mister me.

Me: I'll Mister you all I want, Mister.

Nope, that doesn't sound gay at all.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas a giant nuclear furnace

Tortellini's interpretation* of why it never rains here in Vegas:



I think she's onto something.









*I need to get that girl some real software so she can start designing shirts on threadless. Perhaps she could pay for college that way.

I'm employee of the month number one crumb making son of a gun

How to botch a job interview in 32 easy steps:

1. Schedule your interview for the hottest part of the day (this is crucial for reasons that will be apparent later).

2. Be under the impression that your job interview is exactly one week before the actual interview is scheduled to take place.

3. Realize that the letter you received says you're actually scheduled for the following week. But don't realize this until exactly 5:00 p.m. on the day before you think you have to go, so that it's too late to call and find out for sure.

4. Call anyway and leave a message saying that you were confused about the date.

5. Talk to them the next morning to find out that you don't go in that day, but rather one week from then.

6. Hope that the fact that you're too retarded to even get the day right isn't enough to make them not want to hire you.

7. On the real day of the interview, bring a change of clothes with you to work because you don't want to be wearing long pants and a long sleeved shirt all day when it's 112 degrees outside.

8. Change into the pants just before leaving the office to go to the interview, but leave the other shirt on so that your "interview shirt" doesn't get sweaty on the drive over.

9. Make sure that the last thing you do before leaving the office to drive across town is go take a leak.

10. Notice some whiteheads on your chin while urinating, and pop them. This ensures that they will leak that kind of clear, kind of bloody zit fluid for the entire drive out to the interview.

11. Fail to realize that you've got split stream whilst peeing with no hands (because you're too busy popping zits to pay attention).

12. Allow the split stream to hit your shirt tail.

13. Rinse the shirt tail off in the sink, and hope the urine smell doesn't stay with you.

14. Get in the car and burn your arm on the seatbelt buckle. Repeat until you've got a minimum of three burn marks on your arm.

15. Drive across town in a car that is at least 150 degrees inside, and the a/c can't bring the temperature down enough so that you're not sweating for a half hour straight.

16. Make sure that you do not cut your hair before the job interview, so that you sweat even more than you normally would while driving across town in a car that's way too friggin' hot.

17. Arrive early enough that you can justify a stop at 7-11 to get a drink since you've been sweating profusely for thirty minutes or so.

18. Drink the entire bottle of water before going into the building where you're being interviewed.

19. Sit in the parking lot and change into the shirt that you didn't actually pee all over.

20. Make sure to perform the last step just as a bunch of people come out of the building so that you look like a classy guy sitting shirtless in a car in the parking lot.

21. Once you've changed shirts, realize that you forgot to bring a belt, and that your pants are baggy, so you can't tuck your shirt in.

22. Enter the building looking extra classy. It's okay. You're kind of in the ghetto anyway, so they're probably used to it.

23. Make sure you're early enough that you have to sit in the hall for half an hour.

24. Make eye contact with one of the guys who is going to be interviewing you, so that he feels obligated to come introduce himself.

25. Sit there looking like an asshole while that same guy walks by you another three or four times before calling you into the interview room.

26. Stumble and stammer around the second question they ask you. Fail to give them the most obvious answer - The one that should've been first on your mind, and probably the one they were looking for.

27. Regret drinking the entire bottle of water before the interview, because you're only a few minutes in and you really have to pee.

28. Fail to give a satisfactory answer to at least two more questions, and maybe even more than that.

29. Come across as arrogant and cocky when they ask what makes you ideal for the job.

30. Leave all three interviewers with the impression that your long term career goals include trying to take over their position.

31. Go back to the office and second guess every answer you gave.

32. Try to figure out what other jobs you can apply for because you're obviously not getting this one.

Nothing here matters the spiders get fatter

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves.


The Lab
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Animal part, cuz I like to cut
- The pig dissection because I thought I never would cut up a pig, but I did it anyway

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Grasshopper - smelly
- The field trip because I'm lazy and don't like to hike
- Earthworm dissection. 50% ethanol + water + Annelid = semi crul death to worm


The Lab Instructor
Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered
- You know a lot. Go you!
- A for all-knowing!

What were his/her strong points?
- His demonstration of the root tip model

How could he/she improve?
- Don't be a plant expert. Fish is cooler. <')}}}>< *
- Get a pig dissection shirt
- If he went back to church
- Listen to better music
- Tell funnier jokes
- Lose the earring you pirate!







*That was my lame attempt to re-create the fish drawing that accompanied the comment.

Left alone in a dark room with a mouth full of prescription

An online exchange with SilentKid about how well I'm coping with all the uncertainty in my life:

Me: Could you just go ahead and kill me now? Thanks. I appreciate it.

SilentKid: I'll be there soon. Get prepared.

Me: I'm shaving my scrotum as I type this. Wait, that's not what you meant? I have nothing of value, so it's not worth the effort to put together a last will and testament.

It's a new generation telling it the way they feel

I logged into facebook a couple of days ago and saw this as Togers' status update:

"This one time, I beat up a hooker, she was bleeding everywhere. One Shamwow, cleaned up the whole mess. Ring it out, you could do it again"

It shows how up to date Togers is on not so current events.

It may be my proudest moment as a father.

Fuel burning fast on an empty tank

Last time I filled my car with gas, the pump didn't shut off automatically and I ended up overfilling my tank. There was a small puddle underneath my car that reminded me of a story from when I was an undergraduate and spent my Saturdays working at a gas station.

One particular Saturday, my boss' son was having a bad day. It had been one customer after another complaining about this or that. He was a little frazzled. Then one woman came in demanding that we refund her for a gallon of gas. The pump hadn't shut off, and "at least a gallon" had spilled all over the bay.

Normally, he would've just reached in the register and handed her the two dollars. Instead, he said, "Let's go out and have a look."

There was a small puddle of gas, but it was maybe $0.25 worth at the most. He told her that, but she kept insisting that it was much more.

Finally he snapped. He said, "Look Lady, you want to see what a gallon of gas looks like? THIS is what a gallon of gas looks like!"

He then proceeded to pump an entire gallon onto the concrete.

It's probably my favorite* gas station story ever.









*Narrowly edging out the time that I called a customer a butthole, he tried to get me fired for "cursing" at him, then my boss called him worse.

You don't even know what it means to take your own advice

Today one of my friends called to tell me that she was breaking up with her boyfriend. It'd been a while since we last talked, so after she'd told me all about it, she asked me about any updates regarding Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend.

Me: I took her out to dinner last weekend, and we had a really good talk. She's called me every day since then, and she wants to do something tomorrow night. She's also asked me to have lunch with her tomorrow and the day after. Of course I said yes to all of those things, but I'm not sure I should have.

Her: Oh stop it. Just go out tomorrow night and have fun with her. Do you want my advice?

Me: Sure.

Her: I think you should invite her to spend the night at your place, wait until she falls asleep, and then rape her.



I think it's time to stop taking advice from my friends.

If Jesus drove a motorhome

Friday night I took Tortellini out with me and a few of my friends. We were walking on the Strip when a mini-van did a u-turn right next to us. The guy in the passenger seat had long brown hair and a beard.

Me: Did you see that? I think that was Jesus riding shotgun.

Friend 1: Jesus doesn't ride shotgun. Jesus is in the driver's seat.

Friend 2: Uh, I don't think so. I think God is in the driver's seat and Jesus is riding shotgun.

Me: Actually, I'd be willing to bet that both Jesus and God have mastered the whole teleportation thing.

Friend 1: I don't know about that. It didn't really help Him escape the whole crucifixion thing.


So when my friends and I die and spend the rest of eternity in Hell, at least you'll all know why.

So you say I've got a dirty mind I'm a mean go getter

I don't know at what age seeing stuff like this stops being funny.



I do know that I haven't reached that age yet though.

Purple toupee will show the way when summer brings you down

Friend 1: Your hair is getting really gray. I haven't seen you for almost a month, and I can definitely tell the difference.

Me: I know. It's been doing that for a long time. I think it's just accelerating now.

Friend 1: Must be stress. Have you considered dying it? You should dye it.

Me: I'm not going to dye it. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have a full head of white hair within the next five years. I just hope that girls are serious when they say they dig the look of a distinguished gentleman.

Friend 2: You can't start dying your hair. You're only 34. What are you going to do, dye it for the next forty years?

Me: I know, right? Doing that would be the equivalent of a guy who is going bald resorting to the comb-over to try and hide it. Only losers try the comb-over for forty years. I'm not dying my hair.

Where your eyes don't go

Yesterday a friend and I went to dinner. We got one of our favorite servers. As soon as we sat down I asked her if she was giving out complimentary neck rubs. She said, "Of course."

About halfway through our meal, she walked up behind me and started giving me one. Without turning around, I said, "Alright, now that's service."

My friend looked across the table at me and said, "Except it's not her. It's just some fat chick."

"I don't even care."

The late night girls are anxious and they're coming out to play

Friend: So, the last girl who apparently knows me from high school and sent me a friend request on facebook just tried friending me again after I denied her last one. WTF, people? I have no idea who you are.

Me: That's pretty funny. She totally wants your hog.

Friend: Well, she can't have it.

Me: Don't tell me that, tell her. Send her an email back saying, "YOU CAN'T HAVE MY HOG - STOP ASKING!!!"

She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone

Last week I had lunch with a girl I haven't seen since we hung out at the European style (top optional) pool at Wynn Resorts.

Somehow, during the course of the meal the topic of conversation turned to cholesterol. I'm pretty sure it was her that brought it up, not me.

Her: I don't eat a lot of meat.

Me: I've really cut back over the last few years.

What I wanted to say: That's not what I heard. Ooooohhhhhh.

And you didn't think I had an internal filter.

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

A few months ago I submitted a manuscript for publication in a scientific journal. For those of you who don't know how the process works, the manuscript gets an initial look to make sure the formatting requirements are met, and that the subject matter is appropriate for the journal. If both those things seem to be okay, then the editors send the manuscript to other researchers who are familiar with the subject for external review. Those reviewers will go through the manuscript, and produce a list of concerns such as problems they see with the analyses, problems they have with the conclusions that are drawn based on the results, etc. The reviewers then send those comments back to the associate editor who is handling the manuscript, along with a recommendation of whether or not they feel the paper should be published in the journal. The associate editor will also read through the manuscript and provide comments, and based on those and the recommendations of the other reviewers will make a recommendation to the journal editor. All of this usually takes a few months.

Last week I received comments for the paper I submitted, and they were all favorable. However, there are some issues that one of the reviewers felt needed to be addressed, so I've been revising the manuscript to deal with those. Some are more time consuming than others, and that's when I begin to wonder why all the comments can't be like some of those from the associate editor:

"Line 35: Please include references that support this statement.
Lines 311, 323: may be extra spaces at the end of sentences.
Line 408: Period at end of sentence is strange - possibly bold or larger font.
Line 415: large-water not large water"

Those are the easy ones to deal with. That said, I'm almost done revising, and the paper will be accepted once I resubmit it to the journal (which will hopefully be in the next couple days) . The only bad part is that it's merely a side project that should've been published years ago.

Made a phone call and left a message, the story was a laugh from the beginning

A week or two ago I went and saw The Hangover on a Saturday afternoon. Very funny movie. I watched it at an outdoor shopping mall where Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend likes to hang out. As I left the theater and walked to my car, I saw her car in the parking garage. I gave her a call to see if she wanted to meet up.

She didn't pick up.

I didn't leave a message because I was just going to go along on my way, but knowing that she likes to hang out and study in a nearby coffee shop, I thought that I'd walk over and say hi real quick*. So I called her again. This time I left a message saying, "Hey, I just saw you parked near me, so I'm going to stop by real quick in case you're there. I'd like to say hi."

I went to the coffee shop.

She wasn't there.

I walked back to my car.

Hers was gone.

I couldn't help but think that she hurried and left because I said I was stopping by. I called her again and left a message telling her that I was sorry I missed her, and to give me a call.

Nothing says "stalker" quite like that sequence of events**.

It made me feel a lot like Mikey***:








*I realize how pathetic this makes me look.

**Even though it was just coincidence***.

***But at least I wasn't wearing a wife beater.

****I swear!

I am ahead, I am advanced

I love that I can wake up at 3 a.m. with an "Aha!!" moment, and rather than get up and scramble for a piece of paper and a pen, I can just grab my cell phone and text it to myself so that I don't forget what it was once I go back to sleep.

Technology is great.

Suck on that, Darwin!

That's right, I'm the egg man

During yesterday's lecture, I started talking about how changes in temperature can cause a protein to change its shape and lose its function.

Then, for an every day example, I gave my students the example of a fried egg. Here's my quote:

"When you heat the egg, the protein changes shape, and the clear part becomes white. When you cool it back down, the egg stays white, so those proteins do not regain their function. They do however, retain their deliciousness."

I repeated that to a friend later in the day. He said it's a wonder that I don't have at least one student off him/herself every lecture.

Hard to look innocent when I've got cookie crumbs all over my face

My mom bakes a lot. When we were kids, and she'd end up with extra frosting, she'd usually make "cookies" by spreading the frosting onto graham crackers. It's delicious. She's always had cookies whenever she's had kids around, and last weekend was no exception. Just before we left, she put a bunch of frosted graham crackers into a ziplock bag for us to have on the drive home.

Mr M ate the most. As he was finishing the last one he asked me about them.

Mr M: Dad? Are these gran-cookies?

Me (thinking he'd said graham): Sure. You could call them that.

Mr M: Are they made out of grandkids?

Spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills

I spent the 4th of July at Capitol Reef.






You know you're jealous. Again.

Well, I shuffled through the city on the 4th of July, I had a firecracker ready to blow

I'm visiting my parents for the 4th of July. Earlier today, we went downtown to take a look at an antique car show, and a few of the other festivities at the city park. After a short while, I told my brother that there weren't any hot girls, so I might as well go back home.

Him: What do you have against hometown hotties?

Me: I don't have anything against them. There just aren't any.

Him: Sure there are.

Me: Go ahead. Find me one hot girl who doesn't have a child or a husband in tow.


Approximately five minutes later.

Him: Hmmm. Do they have to be out of high school?

Me: This place is teeming with cops, so I'm going to have to say yes.

Oh my sweet rapture I hear Jesus and the angels singing hallelujah calling me to enter the promised the land

I saw* a Nissan Altima with a vanity plate that read: JEHOVAH.

I thought His return would be a little more triumphant, and that He'd be in something a little more regal.

You know, like a chariot of fire.









*Of course this happens the one time I'm not carrying my phone to take a picture.

Above your eyes your hair hangs

I'm in dire need of a haircut. However, I can't cut it until I decide what I want to do with it. I've been growing it out for a few months, and it seems like a wasted effort if I go back to having it cut short.

That said, I'm at a point where I need to do something because it's starting to look like I'm growing a mullet. And despite what these guys might think, nobody looks good in a mullet.

So last night I asked a girl I know (who works as a hair stylist) if I could get some hair advice from her. She said yes, and asked me to take my hat off so she could have a look.

I did.

She took a quick look and said, "I don't know what you want to do, but you need to cut that shit. Like, tomorrow. At the latest."

I took out a loan on my empty heart babe, I took out a loan on my impatient soul

Man, I hate creditors.

Allow me to explain.

Yesterday I got a call from a collections agency notifying me that I was twelve days past due in making a loan payment. I was positive that I'd sent the payment to them well in advance of its due date, but checked my bank records just to make sure. I had. They'd even cashed the check, so I called them back to find out why I hadn't received proper credit.

Operator: What can I help you with today?

Me: I'm calling to see why I haven't yet received credit for the last payment I sent in.

Operator: I'm showing that we recently received a payment of [half the amount], and the outstanding balance is [half the amount].

Me: That's not correct. I mailed a check for [full amount], and my bank records show that you guys cashed it.

Operator: Oh. I see what happened. So you want us to credit the full amount to the loan? I'll go ahead and do that for you now. And don't worry, I'll make sure this doesn't affect your credit score in any way.

Me: Thank you.

What I wanted to say: Are you fucking kidding me you stupid motherfuckers? Why would I send in a payment and only want you to apply half of it to the balance of the loan? Did you think I wanted you and a co-worker to go ahead and treat yourselves to a nice lunch with the rest? How stupid can you be?

Seriously, don't ever do business with Key Bank.

Please leave the biker

Here's a joke for my dad, since he's recently decided that he won't be purchasing the Harley that he's had his eye on:

There was a chicken and a horse who lived on a farm and were the best of friends. One day they were out in the fields and the horse fell into some mud. As he began to sink he whinnied to the chicken to go for help.

The chicken hurried back to the farmhouse to get the farmer. Unfortunately, the farmer was nowhere to be found. What was the chicken to do? He wasn't strong enough to pull the horse out on his own. He frantically tried to think of a way that he could save his friend when he spotted the farmer's new Harley. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, so the chicken hopped on, fired it up, and rode back to the mudhole where the horse was now up to his neck.

The chicken tossed a length of rope to the horse, and told him to bite down on it. He then tied the other end to the back end of the motorcycle and then drove forward. He was able to pull the horse out of the mud, thus saving his friend's life. Together they went back to the farmhouse, parked the Harley, and the farmer was none the wiser.

The next spring, with the incident removed from their minds, the chicken and the horse were back in the same area on the farm. They were careless, and this time the chicken fell into the mud. He cried out to the horse, "Quick! Go back to the farmhouse and get the farmer's Harley so you can rescue me like I rescued you."

The horse thought for a minute, and instead just stepped across part of the mudhole. He told the chicken, "Just grab onto that hangy-down thing between my rear legs, and I'll use that to pull you out."

The chicken grabbed on, and the horse walked backward, thus returning the favor that his friend had done for him the previous year.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.


There, Dad. Does that make you feel any better?

Come on children, you're acting like children, every generation thinks it's the end of the world

Sometimes parenting calls for teaching your kids important life skills, whether they're old enough to learn them or not. Sunday afternoon we drove out to the dry lake bed so I could teach Tortellini and Togers how to drive. The complicating factor? My car has a standard transmission. Call me crazy, but I firmly believe that everyone should know how to operate a stick. Besides, they're both a lot older than I was the first time I drove a motorized vehicle with a clutch. I was eight. (Hi Mom. I bet you didn't know that, did you?)

I explained everything on the drive out, and demonstrated how to work the clutch and gear shift. Once we got there and they started driving there were a few times I thought my car was going to die out there in the desert. It didn't. And at least we had no traffic to worry about.

Tortellini went first. Her biggest problem was learning how to start out. She killed the car a few times, then just figured that she could get going easily if she peeled out rather than trying to take it slow. Periodically she'd forget to take her foot off the gas when pushing in the clutch, so the engine would rev until I pointed that out, but that was only for the first few minutes.



Togers asked to go second. Apparently that was because he wanted to learn from Tortellini's mistakes so as to avoid looking foolish. His plan seemed to work because he figured it out almost immediately. His biggest problem was recognizing when he was about to hit a bump and slowing down for it. That definitely made me glad we weren't out on the streets. My poor car's shocks.



And of course Mr M wanted to take a turn, so I let him sit on my lap and steer while I operated the pedals. I decided that as long as I have a say in things, that kid will never get his license. He asked if I could drive faster, so I did, then I saw a little look on his face, knew exactly what he was thinking and said, "Don't you dare turn that wheel hard while we're going this speed." He was disappointed, but asked if I could slow down enough for him to do it. That seemed to satisfy him.



By the end of the day, Tortellini and Togers seemed to get it all figured out:

Then we went home. The end.

You're a superstar at the gay bar

Last night one of my gay friends texted me:

Him: Did you get it figured out babe?

Me: Figure what out? Are you drunk texting me again*?

Him: Ha ha. OMG [Minnow] yes.

Me: Thought so.

Him: Maybe I should call you babe more often. What do you think?

Me: Whatever floats your boat. At least someone would be calling me that.

Him: I've been calling you that in my dreams for a while. You should hook a brother up.

Me: Well you know right now I'm about to take some toenail polish** off. I'm halfway there.

Him: Well, if you need a bj you know who to call.

Me: Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later I got a text from another friend:

Him: Is something going on between you and [Gay Friend]?

Me: Just sexting.

Him: Ha. I'm in the car with him.

Me: I figured. I might have him all hot and ready for you.

Him: Thanks. Hopefully he rides bareback tonight.

Me: I heard he always does.

Him: He tricked me then.








*I don't know who my number is next to in his phone, but this is the third or fourth time he's texted me by mistake, and it's always regarding something about which I have no clue.

**They put on some kind of clear coat when my friend convinced me to go get a pedicure with her the other day. The shiny toenails have been driving me crazy ever since, but I just now got around to purchasing stuff to remove it with.

Now I'm very big I'm a big important man and the only thing that's different is underneath my hat

My sister is visiting Flaming Gorge this weekend. Yesterday she updated her facebook status to say that she was about to walk to the store in town. I called her immediately upon reading that to see if she'd already gone. She said she was on her way right then, so I asked if she could look for a hat for me while she was there. I'd purchased my favorite hat at that store a few years ago, but lost it on my first trip to Joshua Tree (when I went to play ice cream man for a few days). My best guess is that it was accidentally kicked out of the vehicle in the parking lot at the music festival, but I never was able to find it, not even at the lost and found.

Losing the hat wasn't that big of a deal at the time because I figured I'd make it back to purchase a new one at some point. However, I haven't been able to visit Flaming Gorge in about two years. Now that I seem to keep applying for jobs that are further and further away, the likelihood that I'll make it back anytime soon is decreasing. I wish I had more time and money, but I don't.

My sister said she'd look around. Then she asked me to email a picture of me wearing the hat. That way she'd get it on her blackberry, and that would make it easier for her to see if she could find the right one.

I emailed her a picture. She found the hat and sent me a text with a picture of it just to make sure:



"Booyah - Who's your favorite sister?"

Looks like she is. The other three have to step it up a bit if they hope to take her crown away.

But inside inside you always feel the same even when you wake up

Last night I was talking to a friend about yesterday's post:

Me: She thinks it happened because she's been over-exerted from trying to do too much over the past few days, and not eating or drinking enough during that time.

Friend: The only time in my life when I'm over-exerting myself is when I'm taking a shit.

The clock never stops, never stops, never waits

I was supposed to meet a girl last night after work.

She didn't show up.

It's the first time I've been stood up by a girl. Sure, I've had people say "Maybe we could do something this weekend", and then not call to finalize any plans, but that's not quite the same.

It's a crappy feeling.

I waited for a little while, but when it became obvious that she wasn't going to show up I called and left a message telling her that I assumed she wasn't coming so I was going home, and that I hoped everything was okay.

This morning I still hadn't heard anything from her. As I left the house I told my roommate about it, and mentioned that I would never for the life of me understand women. After all, I'd seen her that afternoon*, and she seemed excited to meet up later.

She called me on my way to work. It turns out she'd fainted during her evening class. When she recovered she told everyone around her that she was fine and that she had somewhere to be, but thankfully nobody would let her drive. One of her classmates drove her to her mom's house, but she'd left her phone and laptop in her car so she couldn't contact me to let me know.

Once I heard that, I texted my roommate to tell let him know. I told him that I felt better knowing that she was okay, and that at least there was a good reason.

He wrote back, "Good. Is your faith in women restored?"

I answered, "Not necessarily."







*I didn't even have a chance to say or do anything to screw things up in between.

I kinda like the way you dot your Js

My Aunt, Delirious, learned how to analyze people's handwriting as a hobby. I've always been curious to know what my handwriting would say about me, but only recently got around to asking her to do it. I sent her a sample, and this is what she wrote back as her interpretation.

[Minnow],

As a practice of mine, I always tell people to remember that I am not an expert, and handwriting analysis is just a hobby of mine. I am only looking at one sample of your writing, so if I see one occurrence of something, I write what I see. But if I had more samples, I might find that was a fluke. So I will just write what I see, but take it with a grain of salt. :) I prefer to analyze cursive rather than printing, so that's where I'm spending the bulk of my efforts. Most men print, so it's difficult to get them to write cursive for me. :)

--First of all, your handwriting shows that you are a six year old child*. (Just kidding, had to throw that one in.) :)

--What I notice first about your handwriting is that you are very open to others, but I don't get the feeling that you need a lot of relationships. You do give time to your friendships, but I think you would be fine alone too.

--The next trait I notice is one that I share with you. You seem to be a selective learner. You will stretch to learn, but only if it's something that you are interested in**.

--You are someone who values tradition.

--You are able to organize your time well. You don't over-schedule yourself.

--You seem to be able to see projects through to completion***.

--Your cursive shows a slight tendency to have a negative attitude. It could also be interpreted as being a little depressed. I'll let you pick which one**** it is. ;)

--Your handwriting shows that you accept your mother's influence in your life more than your father's. It could be interpreted that he simply wasn't around when you were growing up. Either way, his influence is absent in your handwriting.

--You don't appear to be someone who is overly concerned with their looks. You seem pretty confident in that area.

--You seem pretty outgoing, not what I would consider an introvert by any means.

--You are someone who is detail oriented. It's not extreme, but you do pay attention to details.

--You are someone who is willing to take risks. Once again, it isn't showing up as extreme, but you aren't afraid to pursue something new.

--It appears that in public you tend to be private about your personal life. You are selective about who you will allow to get close, and maybe are afraid of getting hurt.

--You don't seem to have a sharp temper. You wouldn't fly off the handle at someone*****.

--Your writing shows that you aren't really a worldly person in the monetary sense. You don't seem overly concerned about wealth.

--Your energy level seems normal and consistent.

There was one more thing that I saw, but I don't know what it means. If I find out, I'll let you know. Basically overall, nothing weird shows up in your handwriting. You aren't a serial killer****** or anything like that . :)

Love, [Delirious]








*She requested that I write in cursive, so I did, but in the writing sample I sent her I joked that it was so sloppy (since I never write in cursive) that it would probably come back and say I was a six year old child.

**True dat.

***With the apparent exception being my dissertation.

****I pick both.

*****Except my kids. Or my ex-wife.

******Yet.

We could go and float around in our favorite swimming ground

My ex-wife called me on Saturday night to make plans for Father's Day. She told me that the kids wanted to come to my house and go swimming, and asked if that would be okay if they all came over for that. She volunteered to cook dinner at my house if she could come too. I said that'd be fine.

Tortellini called me yesterday afternoon to see if I could come get them, so I drove over to their house. My ex-wife still had a few things to put together for the meal she was going to fix at my place, so she said just to take the kids and go and she'd come over later. I did, and when we got to my house we went straight to the pool.

My ex-wife showed up a little while later. She sat down poolside and grabbed my phone to check the time. I asked her to check my phone for any text messages while she had it. It turned out I had missed one. From her.

Ex: There's just a message here from someone named [Ex's Name] that says 'I'll be there in a few, what's the gate code?'

Tortellini (sarcastically): Oooooohhhhh. You got a text from [Ex's Name]? Who's that? Huh, Dad?

Me: Oh, her? That's just some crazy bitch that won't stop calling me.

I truly am the world's greatest father.

Fish on

Everyone in my family is familiar with this story, but since today is Father's Day it's worth telling again.

I was about five years old and we were living in Montana. One day my dad took all the kids out fishing. I remember it being cold, so my mom sat in the car with our baby sister while we fished. I kept messing around with my rod (that's not a metaphor), and my dad found it annoying. At some point, my dad had enough and told me that if I did it one more time then I was going to have to go sit in the car.

I did it one more time.

He told me to go sit in the car.

I looked at my siblings and said, "Ha ha ha you guys. I get to go sit in the car, and you have to stay here and fish!"

The moment has been captured in one of my mother's cartoons about the family:



You have to admit that it's pretty funny considering the way my life has turned out thus far. I guess some of those fishing lessons stuck.

Thanks Dad. I love you!

The whole valley looks like someone's body, and all the people look like little scars

One more post about my trip to Idaho, and then I'll shut up about it. I swear.

I met the Evilutionary Biologist. Pretty cool guy, although I had no idea that he'd be so ultra-competitive when playing shuffleboard on a warped shuffleboard table. He and JC Marshall (who did a post-doc at Yale) beat me and my friend in every game we played. When I voiced frustration to JC Marshall about that he said, "That's what happens when you go up against two members of Skull & Bones."

"You're not in Skull & Bones though."

"I cannot confirm nor deny that."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A mini Reese's peanut butter cup is probably not worth crashing your car into the Salmon River over, just because you are trying to unwrap that rather than focus on staying on the road.



However, that didn't stop me from trying.

You may be thinking that it's time for an intervention, but I'm not an addict. I can quit anytime I want.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing illustrates a person's glaring lack of intellect more than saying "These species have been shown to show . . ." during their talk.

And yes, I really said that.

The moral of this story? I am an idiot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

And of course, some pictures from the road:

We drove through a real gullywasher (several actually - I'm not used to standing water on the highway)


And passed a stretch of a historically important trail



We spent a little time in downtown Boise




Spent an afternoon checking out Palouse Falls


And the channeled scablands of eastern Washington


The Palouse



There were plenty of wildflowers



And other scenic views along the way





Go ahead and admit that you're a little jealous. It's okay.

Fishing in the dark

At a restaurant in downtown Boise:

Me: How long does it take to get to Moscow from here?
Waitress: I'd say about five to seven hours. Why? Are you going to U of I to tear it up?
Me: Actually, that is where we're heading.
Waitress: Oh really? What for?
Friend: We're going to a conference.
Waitress: What kind of conference?
Friend: We're biologists, so we're going to conference for that.
Waitress: Oh, does that mean you guys study some kind of cool snails or something?
Friend: He studies fish and I study bats.
Waitress: Bass?
Friend: Bats.
Waitress: Bass.
Friend (moving his arms so as to simulate flight): Bats.
Waitress: Bass and fish are pretty much the same thing.
Friend: I'm a biologist. I know the difference.

I'm so smart, too bad I can't ever get anything figured out

I just got back from a conference in Moscow, Idaho. It was nice to get away, even if it was work related. I gave a talk, and listened to plenty of others. My brain is entirely full. Who am I kidding? My brain was full after listening to the first talk.

My friend and I arrived just before the registration desk closed the evening before talks began. In a weird coincidence, the very first person we saw at the conference was the one other guy from our university who was attending and who happened to be walking up to the registration desk at the same time. The next person I saw was a friend who was working on his Ph D when I was working on my MS, and one of the next was a guy who was a post-doc at the same time. Strange that I would travel a thousand miles away from home, to a conference where I didn't expect to know anybody, and have that happen.

Before we got to Moscow, my friend and I made a wager. He set the over/under on hot girls who would be at the conference at ten. I took the under on the condition that they had to be legitimately hot, not just biology hot*. I won. There were only six**. Six hot girls out of 1200 registered attendees. That's a mere 0.5%. And you wonder why I'm single.

My friend told me he'd give me $1000 if I'd end my talk by saying, "And with that, I'd be happy to take any questions . . . Ladies!" He wouldn't have paid up if I had, but even if he would have, it wouldn't have been worth committing career suicide over, so I didn't. Not that I would've been able to say it with a straight face anyway.







*Biology Hot - a girl who is average looking, but when compared to other female biologists stands out as unusually attractive.

**And one of those may have been a duplicate.

Baby you need a break so let's just run away

I'm not sure how much I'll be posting over the next several days, so to keep you occupied in the meantime, here's another music mix for your listening pleasure.

Let's Just Run Away (click for free download):
1. Shhh - Donora
2. Asleep For Days - Blitzen Trapper
3. The Story I Heard - Blind Pilot
4. Turn On Tune In Drop Out With Me - Cracker
5. Ragged Wood - Fleet Foxes
6. Two Hearts - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
7. Duck And Cover - Glen Phillips
8. Right Moves - Josh Ritter
9. All The Way Up To Heaven - Guster
10. Island Girl - Mr D
11. Help Me Suzanne - Rhett Miller
12. Here Come The Swells - Peter Bruntnell
13. Rollin' Home Alone - Jason Lytle

It's been a while since I've given you one anyway.

While their tasks are aligning their minds are deciding

Do you like to doodle? Do you bore easily? If so, I've got the perfect activity* for you to try.

First you take a piece of paper (or in this case, a bar napkin), fold it in half, and draw something on the bottom half of it. Be careful not to let anyone else see what you're drawing.

Once you're finished with your half of the picture, keep it folded but mark the locations where parts of your drawing end so the person who draws the top half will know where to begin.

Then, hand the paper/napkin to one of your friends, and have them complete the picture without knowing what you drew on the bottom.

Here are the results from when I recently played this game with some of my friends:

Sumo Ballerina


Hard Luck Alien Duck


Charlie Brown Cheerleader Chick


Alien EggShell Halibut Man


Fortune Telling Mer-Bird


I don't even know what this is








*It's the perfect thing to do whether you're chilling out with friends at the bar, sitting with your family in church, or trying to avoid falling asleep in class.

I got a letter from the government the other day I opened and read it, it said they were suckers

I spent the day at the courthouse for the jury selection process. It turns out that when you don't respond* to a summons they get a little bent out of shape and put your name at the top of the list for the next time around. There was no putting it off this time.

So, like a good boy, I showed up at the courthouse early and went to the jury services room. I sat there, watched a video about the jury selection process**, and waited for my number to be called. The woman announced that it was a slow court day, so she read all of our numbers and said we were going to lunch. At 9:30. In the morning. And that we were to report back at 12:30.

Luckily I'd brought some work along with me, so I read a few research articles during the downtime***.

When it came time to report back, I did. We sat there for about another thirty minutes, then they called out a group of numbers, had us all line up, and walked us to the court room. My number was so low that I was sitting in the jury box. The defendant in the case was sitting directly in front of me. So were the district attorneys.

The attorneys read off a long list of potential witnesses, and the judge asked if any of the potential jurors knew anyone on that list. Then she asked if any of us knew the defendant, his attorneys, or the DA and his assistant. The assistant was cute, so I wish I would have had the sack to raise my hand and say, "No, but I'd like to know her." It probably wouldn't have gone over well.

I'm leaving town this week to present my research at some meetings, so I asked to be excused from service. Luckily, the judge accepted that as a valid excuse and let me go. It would've been an interesting trial to be a part of though. I felt like I was in a movie when the D.A. stood up and told us about the nature of the case. The defendant was charged with murder and robbery with a deadly weapon.

The moral of the story? When you're buying crack cocaine in a dark alleyway in North Las Vegas, don't flash a huge wad of cash to your dealer. It's a good way to get yourself shot in the head and your money stolen. Whether it was the defendant who did the shooting or not is up to the remaining members of the jury pool to decide*****.









*I thought I responded to my first jury summons, but I didn't read it carefully enough. I didn't realize that I had to call in twice. I only called in once to see if my number was on their list of those who needed to report. It wasn't, but that was because I didn't call the first time to respond. Oops! My bad. I wasn't trying to be in contempt of court.

**BORING!!!

***Kind of boring, but not as boring as the video.

****It felt like we were some sort of unholy cross between a herd of cattle and a Kindergarten class.

*****Since it is a young man's life on the line, I'm glad I don't have to be part of that decision making process.

Do you know the muffin man?

After I had just finished eating a cookie for dessert at lunch yesterday:

Friend: Eat that last muffin.

Me: I can't.

Friend: It's yours. Eat it.

Me: Can't.

Friend: You can't let it go to waste. Eat it.

Me: I can't. I'm too full. Besides, it'll ruin my chocolate chip cookie mouth.

Friend: That might be the gayest thing you've ever said.

There's so much to live up to and I wish that somehow I could give it all to you

A girl I know called yesterday to see if my friend and I would come visit her at work if she bought us a round of drinks or an appetizer. We'd been promising to stop by since she started working there, so we figured last night was as good a time as any.

[Click to enlarge]


I'm sure these were a lot better than the one that girl from Colorado got a few years back.

I don't want to shake your father's hand and walk in the sand and act like a man

Yesterday I was talking to one of my friends on the phone. While he was saying something, I spat into the dirt next to the sidewalk.

My friend heard it and said, "I've been reading something called 'Guide To Being A Gentleman' and one of the things it says is that gentlemen do not spit."

"Yeah, but I'm not a gentleman."

"They don't curse either."

"Again . . ."

What gives this mess some grace unless it's kicks, man

Over the weekend my kids and I went on a short drive to the Colorado River.



At first we just hung out along the shore.



However, it was a hot day, so we all decided to go in and cool off. It worked. The water was freezing* cold. It was refreshing though.



Togers and I decided to go for a swim. We turned around when the current started pushing him downstream, and the water was too deep for him to touch the bottom.

After getting him back to shore, I decided to see how far out I could go. My kids said I swam about halfway across the river. I think it was closer to a third of the way. I stopped and turned around when I realized how strong the current really was.

I could hear Mr M yelling something to me from the shore, but I couldn't hear what. As I swam back, I could make out that he was calling for me to come back. When I got to the bank, he ran out and gave me a big hug.

Me: What's wrong? Did you think something was going to happen to me?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: I wasn't going to drown. You know that, right?

Mr M: I know.

Me: So what did you think might happen?

Mr M: I thought a whole bunch of ducks were going to come peck out your eyes.



Lucky for me, they didn't. I'm sure they were contemplating it though, in their little duck minds. Fucking ducks.








*Ok, so maybe not freezing**

**But I'm a long way away from the guy who used to wet wade in fifty-five degree water on the Green River. It seems as though I've had to trade in my cold tolerance to be able to survive a summer in the Mojave desert.