We're at it again, let's roll just like we used to

Last night I stopped to talk to an old friend and some other people I knew were also there talking with him, including a couple of teenage girls.

As I tend to do from time to time, I said something vulgar, then realized that one of the girls was close enough to overhear me. I apologized to her dad, and he said, "That's okay. She knows all the swear words. But she also knows better than to fucking repeat any of them."

She enthusiastically added, "It's true. I know all the bad words."

I replied, "I'm willing to bet you don't know all of them. I guarantee I know some words that you don't know, because I know some words that not even your dad knows."

"No. I know them all."

"Really? What's snoodling then?"

"Snoodling?"

"I rest my case."

I want to lay my heavy head tonight on a bed of Califoria stars

I spent last weekend in Santa Monica. I usually try to send my kids postcards when I go on trips like that. Here's the one I sent to Togers:



I'm not sure if this makes me the best dad in the world, or the worst. I am, however, certain that it's one or the other - there can be no middle ground.

Ferraris and Benzes keep your girlfriend lost in a maze of luxury

A car like this one pulled up next to me at a stop light the other day:



I noticed for the first time that these have a 12 cylinder engine. I wondered aloud what the gas mileage was like for a 12 cylinder, and my friend and I agreed that it couldn't get many miles to the gallon. My friend pointed out that it probably did, however, get a lot of Poon Per Gallon (PPG).

I concur.

So, for those of you who are considering a new vehicle purchase, and PPG is high on your list of priorities, I give you Native Minnow's Guide To Shopping For A New Vehicle*.

Vehicles with a very high PPG rating:

Bugatti Veyron


Ferrari F430 Scuderia


Lamborghini Gallardo


Ducati Superbike


Vehicles with a very low PPG rating:

1970's Disco Van


White Trash Stretch Limo


Redneck Hearse


Honda Trail 90


You're welcome. Happy shopping!





*All images have been shamelessly lifted from the interweb with no credit given for the source. They are not pictures I took in my garage.

In some respects I suspect you've got a respectable side

Friend: If I were to ever get married again, I think I'd just have the colors be white and black because that way the bridesmaids could all look hot in their black dresses, but they could also wear them again, and the bride would stand out in white.

Me: And all the groomsmen could wear tuxes, and that would be classy as all fuck.