Wanna be a baller, shot caller, twenty inch blades on the Impala

I've recently come to the conclusion that I can no longer shop for Togers.  He's 16, and like most 16 year olds these days, dresses kinda like a douche.

He claims he's in style.  I have my doubts.  Maybe I'm just old, but whatever.  My point is, I had to make sure he put together a Christmas list so that I didn't purchase something that he didn't want or wouldn't wear.

He created a wish list out of photos he found online and put them in a folder on my desktop.  Here are its contents:

Not a bad wishlist if I do say so myself.

Girls and boys in school

Today I took Togers to his new school and got him registered for classes.  When we finished, I texted Tortellini.

Me:  [Togers] is going to have a busy year:  driver's ed, careers, law enforcement, guitar, computer technology, Spanish, physics, language arts, geometry, financial literacy, sociology, lifetime fitness, consumer health.

Tortellini:  Why does he have 12 classes?

Me:  That's just how he rolls.

Me:  Some of them are only for one semester, so the second semester has a different group.

Tortellini:  Oh, that's cool that he's taking a guitar class though.

Me:  I think he'll have a fun year.  He's already impressed with the number of cute girls ;-)

Tortellini:  Hahaha.  Of course.  I hope he has a good year too!  He's a freaking Junior.  That's crazy to me.

Me:  Crazy to me too.  Crazier that you're out on your own.  I feel old!

Tortellini:  You are not old.  I mean . . . you are . . but not compared to most parents with an 18 year old.

Me:  You're not helping!

I'm sexy and I know it

A few days ago I went with Togers and some friends to an antique store. While we there I saw a really big mirror with an asking price of $400. As I stood there looking at the mirror, trying to puzzle out what was so special about it, Togers and one of my friends walked up.

Me: Look at that mirror. It's amazing!

Togers: What's so amazing about it?

Me (gesturing toward my reflection): Can't you see how handsome it is?

Later on I was telling another friend about how proud I was of my joke. Then I had to add this to the end of the story:

Me: [Togers] didn't get it at first. Probably because he's dumb.

Togers: I'm not dumb. I'm not the one that thought that was handsome.

Purple toupee will show the way when summer brings you down

One of the good things about facebook is that one can steal pictures from one's child's profile to use for blogging purposes.

Togers has spent the better part of a year growing his hair out to look like this:




Now it looks like this:




Don't worry. I've drawn the line and told him that under no circumstances is he going to be allowed to get a swastika tattoo*.









* Not that he'd even want one**.

** At least I hope not.

Buenos Tardes, Amigo

Question: Would you pick up this hitchhiker?



I didn't either. I called Border Patrol.

But still it's been written, a history of lovers, given and taken in ink

My ex-wife called the other day to let me know that Togers was the recipient of the "loverboy" award at his end of year band concert.

She told me that his teacher said he probably would've gone out with more girls, but there weren't any he hadn't already dated.

This is what I want to do to him* for not sharing his secrets with his old man.










*Not really, but kinda

I want to lay my heavy head tonight on a bed of Califoria stars

I spent last weekend in Santa Monica. I usually try to send my kids postcards when I go on trips like that. Here's the one I sent to Togers:



I'm not sure if this makes me the best dad in the world, or the worst. I am, however, certain that it's one or the other - there can be no middle ground.

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

A little while ago Togers updated his facebook status: What would you do if I joined a gang? Became Straight Edge? Joined a band? Got five inch gauges? These are all very important questions.

Being the good father that I am, I commented that I would kick his butt if he did any of those other than join a band.

Then he asked, "What if it was a Straight Edge band?"

Then his mom chimed in:
Way to stick it to the man dumb butt. Why dont you start wearing a cross and saying hail marys too? Oh, I've got one! How about this? Maybe you should not worry bout living up to any kind of standard and just live your pathetic life? How about that? Or do you need to be a part of some kind of group to feel special? Oh. Ok, then I support you! :)

She followed that up with a second comment: And by pathetic I mean really, really, really pathetic :)

The next time I talked to Togers on the phone, I told him that I thought his mom's comments were hilarious. He did too. Then I said, "You should tell your mom to be careful though. We both know she was joking, but someone else could see that and think she was cyberbullying you. They prosecute people for that. Like that lady they tried for cyberbullying that girl who ended up killing herself. In fact, you know what you could do if you really wanted to get your mom in trouble? You could totally slit your wrists tonight and leave a note saying it was because of her comments."

He laughed and said, "Yeah. But I probably wouldn't even need to leave anything about cyberbullying in the note. I'm pretty sure I could ruin her day just by trying to kill myself."

"Yeah, you're probably right. It'd ruin my day too. So, as your father, let me go ahead and say this: If you kill yourself tonight I'm totally going to kick your butt."

I am an American aquarium drinker, I assassin down the avenue

Me: I can't believe you're going to be a teenager within a week.

Togers: I know.

Me: You realize I have to kill you within the next few days, right? I can't be having teenagers.

Togers: Um, you've already got one: Tortellini.

Me: I know. I'm working on that too.

Togers: ???

Me: I've hired a hitman.

Togers: Well he must not be a very good one considering that she just turned fifteen.

Me: I know. He's not. I'm thinking of asking for my deposit back.

Add another belt notch to the hundreds for the heartache assassin

Togers got his heart broken for the first time. My ex called me last night to see if I'd talk to him about it. I did, but as I was talking to him it occurred to me that me giving him girl advice would be similar to Larry the Cable Guy being science adviser to the White House.

This morning I asked if he was feeling any better. He said he was. When he got out of the car I told him the one thing about girls that I do know for sure: "Chicks are crazy, man. Don't ever forget that."