I don't know if the rest will ever mean as much

Me:  You know what I could go for before we start the movie?  Some hot chocolate.

Girl:  You know what would be better than that?

Me:  What?

Girl:  Brownies.  Or no bake cookies.

Me:  Oooh, can we make both AND hot chocolate?

Girl:  I think that can be arranged.

Me:  I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Apples or something

Girl:  How's it going over there?

Me:  Good. Just waiting for my super slow computer to load the next page I need.  I really need a new laptop.  We should go knock off an Apple Store together.

Girl:  Why?  Do you really like cider that much?

Bangs, above your eyes your hair hangs

Girl: I love your hair.

Me: I hate it. It's all gray and poofy.

Girl: Is there any part of you that you do like?

Me: Hmmm. Let me think about that.

Girl: You're too hard on yourself.

Me: Easy for you to say, you're a model.

I believe there's a way to shut the things you don't need out

Yesterday I went to some hot springs with a few friends. One of them had apparently been having boy problems for the past week or so. When we were on the way home she started talking about changes in her life and how they've affected her personality.

"I feel like there are two of me. The old me, who is like this good little Catholic school girl, and the new me, who tries to sleep with every guy she meets."

Another friend said, "I feel like there probably ought to be a third option in there somewhere."

I added, "Yeah, maybe like a version of you that only sleeps with half the guys she meets."

You wanna know about atrocity?

A few nights ago a girl from my lab came over to my house so I could show her how to run some analyses*. She lives on the next street, so we figured it would be easier to meet at my house and I could show her on my computer rather than try to meet on campus. We went over a few different things, and it was pretty late by the time she got ready to leave.

After she put her coat on and opened the front door she pulled out some pepper spray so she could have it at the ready.

Me: You carry that out all the time when you're walking at night?

Her: I do in this neighborhood. It's sketchy. My roommate told me there was another rape on that trail behind my house.

Me: More recently than the one last Fall?

Her: Yeah. I mean, I didn't verify it by watching the news or anything, but it creeps me out.


Just then I noticed that her car wasn't parked in front of my house.


Me: Wait. You didn't drive?

Her: I can't drive a block.

Me: Sure you can. Especially when it's cold and rapey out.

Her: Well, my car's cold too.

Me: Yeah, but it's not rapey.









*Not a euphemism for anything**.

**Unfortunately.

Now that we're old and prouder than we should be, I hear you talking but I don't see the need

Girl: She's beautiful.

Me: Yeah, she is beautiful, but you know is more beautiful?

Girl: Who?

Me: You.

Girl: You think I'm beautiful.

Me: You know what they say about beauty?

Girl: It fades?

Me: It's in the eye of the beholder.

Girl: True.

Me: And you know who the beholder is, right? Me. So you don't really get a say in this.

See our friends, see the sights, feel alright

I went to Vegas this weekend. I didn't tell any of my friends I was coming. I just surprised them.

When I saw Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend, she grabbed my arm and said, "I really have missed you."

I said, "Really? I've mostly just missed your boobs."

She shook her head and said, "You're a dork."




This is why I'm single.

Flip flop flip flop flip

Wednesday afternoon I was walking Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend to her class.

GWWBMGF: I'm going to be late.

Me: No you're not. You have plenty of time.

GWWBMGF: Not when I have to walk this slow. My feet hurt from walking around in these heels all day at work.

Me: You should keep some flip-flops in your car. Then you could just change into them when you get to campus.

GWWBMGF: You say that every day.

Me: I mean it every day.

GWWBMGF: Well, do you have any flip-flops*? No. So it's really not that helpful.

Me: I'm just sayin'.

A few minutes later we arrived at her classroom.

GWWBMGF: Alright, I have to go. I'm late.

Me: No you're not. You've still got six minutes.

GWWBMGF: Oh. So you're right.

Me: Of course I am. You should believe me more often. I am a doctor**.











* The next time I saw her I handed her a pair of flip-flops and said, "See? This is why you should love me."

** That will never get old. It almost makes getting this Ph D worth it. Almost.

And I don't mind the forces of evil if they bring me closer to you

Me: Want to hear a really offensive joke?

GWWBMGF: Only if you want to tell it.

Me: Of course I do, or I wouldn't have brought it up.

GWWBMGF: Okay. Tell me.

Me: Okay. So there's this married couple that goes to the doctor to find out about some test results for the wife. When they got there, the doctor came in and said, "I'm really, really embarrassed to have to say this, but there was a mix up and now we're not sure which results are yours. You either have AIDS or Alzheimer's, but we're not sure which." The husband got very upset and said, "Well that's just great! What are we supposed to do with that?" The doctor answered, "This is what you do: Take her out and drop her off in the forest somewhere, and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

GWWBMGF: That's terrible!

Me: You don't think it's funny?

GWWBMGF: I like that you think it's funny.

A question of trust

Girl: So let me get this straight. He felt like it was his fault that happened, even though it was his wife that did it?

Me: Yeah.

Girl: Because his wife's actions are somehow his fault?

Me: Yeah.

Girl: How does that make sense?

Me: It's simple. Bitches can't be trusted to make their own decisions*.







*I thought I was being hilarious. I'm not sure she agreed.

There's someone I'd like to see, she never mentions a word to me, she reads Leviathan

I got a phone call Sunday evening:

Girl: Hi, are you busy?

Me: That depends on how you define busy. If lying on the couch, watching The Dark Knight, and playing Scrabble online is considered busy, then yeah, I'm totally swamped.

Girl: You're a dork.

Me: I know. What are you doing?

Girl: Just getting home.

Me: What are your plans for the rest of the night?

Girl: I'm going to take a nap, then get up and do some homework. Sound like fun?

Me: You could come over here and do homework. It would be nice to see you, but I have work I need to do anyway, so I wouldn't distract you too much.

Girl: I need to take a shower.

Me: I haven't showered today either. Gross, huh?

Girl: That is gross. I did shower once, I just need another one.

Me: Well, you could always come over here, we could shower, and then you could do homework.

Girl: I like how you just casually work that "we" in there.

Me: All I'm saying is that we live in a desert, and that would conserve water, so it's the responsible thing to do.


We talked for a while longer, but she didn't come over. She must hate our planet.

These lines were here long before we came around

This weekend I had dinner with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend*. Afterward we were driving around and I mentioned that I should have cleaned my car before picking her up. I recently washed the exterior, mainly because one of my friends drew a huge cock-n-balls on the trunk when he walked past my car in the parking lot on campus and saw how dirty it was, but I haven't cleaned and vacuumed the interior in months.

Here's a brief description so you can visualize: There are several plastic and glass bottles on the floor in the back from my most recent road trip. I throw them back there while I'm driving so that I can recycle them when I get back home, but I keep forgetting they're there, so haven't taken them out yet. There are various cards and envelopes that friends gave me when I defended my dissertation (over two weeks ago!). There's a ziplock bag containing a few slices of banana bread - my mom gave me some last week, but I didn't eat all of it (sorry Mom - I know there are starving children in Africa who would have loved to have eaten that banana bread, but I forgot it was there until it was too scary to try - it hurts me too). A biology book sits atop numerous hand-outs and worksheets that I'll be handing out to my students eventually. A pair of basketball shorts that I'd removed from my gym bag in the trunk to go hot-tubbing in, washed afterward, and then put in the back seat because I was too lazy to open the trunk and actually stick them back in the gym bag where they belong. Mr M left fingerprints all over the rear and side windows. You get the point. I drive in squalor.

Her: I left a mark on your window the other day.

Me: You did? Where? This fingerprint on the driver's side?

Her: It wasn't just a fingerprint, I drew something.

Me: Well, I don't see it on here now. What did you draw?

Her: I drew a heart. I wanted to see if you'd notice it like you noticed that dick on your trunk.


I didn't notice the heart, but I did notice the dick. What does that say about me?

Wait, don't answer that.










*Yes, we're hanging out with each other again.

She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone

Last week I had lunch with a girl I haven't seen since we hung out at the European style (top optional) pool at Wynn Resorts.

Somehow, during the course of the meal the topic of conversation turned to cholesterol. I'm pretty sure it was her that brought it up, not me.

Her: I don't eat a lot of meat.

Me: I've really cut back over the last few years.

What I wanted to say: That's not what I heard. Ooooohhhhhh.

And you didn't think I had an internal filter.

Coat check I couldn't remember

Girl: Is that a new coat?

Me: It is.

Girl: I like it.

Me: Thanks. I didn't wear it for about a week after I bought it because I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it.

Girl: Really?

Me: Yeah. I showed it to five or six people before I took the tags off because I was afraid it might be too douchebaggy.

Girl: It's not. It's just the right level of douchebagginess for you.

Me: Um. Thanks?

I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes

One of my friends is in school to become a nurse. She's beautiful, so basically the kind of nurse every guy wishes he'd get when going to the hospital but never does. She and I have a running joke that she can be my sugar mama when she finishes her degree and gets a job. Last time I talked to her the subject came up again.

Me: Just think, we could move into a house, and you could pay the mortgage and all the utilities.

Her: What would you pay for?

Me: Well, let's see. I could still cover my car payment.

Her: That's not very much.

Me: Maybe I could pay my auto insurance too.

Her: What else?*

Me: I guess I could also pay for condoms. And lube.

Her: Wait, doesn't a little bit of lube go a long way?

Me: That depends.






*She must've been struggling with the concept of what a sugar mama is/does.

Old as piss but small as ass

Me: Do you know what's funny?

Girl: A midget juggling chickens?

Me: What I was going to say was . . ., but a midget juggling chickens is pretty funny.

Sister Jack

Me: How many miracles does one have to perform to become a Saint?

Girl: I don't know.

Me: What do you mean you don't know? You almost became a nun.

Girl: That's not the same as becoming a Saint.

Me: I know, but maybe you would've become a Saint.

Girl: No. I wouldn't have been a very good nun.

Me: Why? Because you like the cock too much?

You can come over to my place if you want to, you can do anything you want to do

It's time for another example of why you shouldn't open your mouth unless you want an honest response to what it is that you're saying.

The other day a girl came over and I ended up making some banana pancakes for us. I had music playing the whole time, and one of my favorite songs came on.

Me: Do you know who sings this song?
Her: I don't know. Wilco?
Me: It's They Might Be Giants.
Her: I figured it was one of your favorite bands.
Me: But you didn't know which one. I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Girl (looking at her plate): That's ok. I'm almost done anyway.

Wash your hands of it forever

Girl 1: Can I have some gum?

Me: That was my last piece. But do you want this one that I'm chewing? You can have it.

Girl 1: Ok.

Girl 2: Gross.

Girl 1: Why is that gross? Because [Minnow] has diseases?

Girl 2: Yeah.

Me: You don't even know me. You can't say that.

Girl 2: I've heard enough.

Me: Don't believe everything you hear.

Girl 1: The only thing you need to know about [Minnow] is that he's from Utah, so he has 15 wives.

Girl 2: So he does have diseases then.

Me: No diseases. They were all virgins when I married them, because they were all like twelve years old. Isn't that the way polygamy works?

Girl 1: You should know. You're the polygamist.

Me: Besides, fifteen wives? That's way too many. Actually, do you know how many wives is too many?

Girl 1: How many?

Me: One.

Rockin' your eff me pumps

I went shopping for new shoes today. I made a friend of mine go with me. Once I found a pair to buy, she wanted to go to a different store so she could try to find some new shoes too. As we pulled up to the second store, she said,
"So. . .
and . . .
but . . .
nevermind."

The entire train of thought lasted less then five seconds, and this is how it really sounded in her head: "So, you have to tell me which shoes you'd fuck me in. And you can't say all of them. But you will. Nevermind."