Here are a few of my favorite sports quotes from 2008:
"Man, I'm so hyped right now. Anything's possible. Anything's pooooosssssssiiiiiiibbbbbblllllleeeeeee!!!!" Boston Celtics PF Kevin Garnett in an interview right after winning the NBA championship.
"Michelle, you look good tonight, girl. You look good." Kevin Garnett seconds later in that same interview, hitting on the interviewer.
"Some guys don't like to play, some guys do. Some treat it like a job. You've got to wonder how many guys play basketball because they're tall." Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan responding to questions about what's keeping one of his young players from performing well on a regular basis.
"I'm happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. And I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery doing some pre-game trash talk that would later get him cut from the team.
"I wake up tomorrow and I keep living." Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo answering a question about how he deals with tough losses such as the season ending blowout administered by the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday.
"Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I'm having fun." Cincinatti Bengals WR Chad 'Ocho Cinco' responding to questions about why he had his last name legally changed from Johnson to Ocho Cinco.
"We know the difference between a 47 year old black male and a young black female." Police Chief David Hall disputing hall of famer Isiah Thomas' claim that police had it wrong when they said he had overdosed on sleeping pills and that it was actually his teenage daughter who had been hospitalized.
"If you really want to pound it in, you need some extra beef in the backfield." - NFL announcer that I don't know, but it could very easily have been any of them.
*This Postal Service lyric illustrates why musicians should stick to singing about things they know** about since a goalie would only be guarding the net during the third period of a hockey game, or the second half of a soccer match. I'm just sayin'.
**Unless, of course they're singing about water polo or lacrosse, in which case forget I said a thing.
Showing posts with label reminiscing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reminiscing. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
If you're down with P, well then you're down with me
Well, since everybody seems to want to hear that one story about that one time that one guy ate that one perch and then went to that one hospital to get that one stomach pumped, I s'pose I'll tell it.
I took a biology class my freshman year of high school. My seat was at one of the tables in the back of the room (which really has no bearing on this story at all other than to let you know how the 'planning stages' of the incident got as far as they did before the teacher found out). One of the kids at the very back table, we'll call him PerchEater, was constantly trying to do things so that people would think he was cool. You know the type: He came from a broken home, his family was poor, his mom worked a lot so he was attention starved*, so basically just like my kids.
Fridays were dissection days. Or maybe Mondays were dissection days. Or Tuesdays. Who cares? The only point of relevance is that one of those days of the week we dissected things, and one of those weeks of the school year the thing we dissected was a yellow perch. Midway through the class period, PerchEater went around asking those of us who were seated around him how much we'd give him if he ate the perch. Of course, none of us were thinking about the possible ramifications of what injesting something that had been fixed in formalin and preserved in carosafe were, We just thought it'd be gross to watch him do it, so of course we all offered to pitch in. I told him I'd give him $10, some kids said $5 and others as much as $20 - adding up to a grand total somewhere around $200.
Once the total he had coming to him for his performance had reached the max (i.e., nobody else was willing to add to the pot), PerchEater decided it was time to deliver. However, our teacher began to suspect that something was up and started asking what was going on. Somebody told him and he put the kaibosh on it right then and there. Noone was going to eat a perch in his classroom. We were all disappointed, and justifiably so. We'd just had what would probably be the grossest thing we'd ever see anyone do throughout the course of the entire year yanked away from us. What a Quaker.
Well, then, imagine our surprise when the bell rang and we all filed out in the hallway only to see PerchEater procure the specimen from the pocket of his blue jeans. It seemed that there might be a show after all. After briefly asking around to make sure the deal still stood, PerchEater tipped his head back and lowered the fish into his mouth headfirst. I don't know exactly how he thought it would go down, maybe he'd seen to many movies with bachelors swallowing goldfish**, but I guess he thought it would slide right down his esophagus. It didn't. It just got stuck. Then he gagged, and the whole fish came flying up out of his mouth. PerchEater must have had very good reflexes, because he caught the perch mid-air, looked at it and then bit its head off and began chewing. About three bites in, our biology teacher came out of the classroom to see what all the fuss was about, found out that he'd eaten about half a perch, and grabbed him and ran down the hall. Later we found out that he went and called an ambulance and had PerchEater taken to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.
PerchEater missed the next couple days of school. Presumably because he was recovering from either the procedure at the hospital, the beating his mom gave him when he got home, or both. When he came back to class, there was no mention of the money we all owed him. I figured I'd wait until my next paycheck (my paychecks were very small in those days, so $10 was a lot of scratch) and then pay up, but by the end of the month had pretty much forgotten about it. PerchEater moved a month or two after that, so I never gave him the money I owed. If I had a current address I'd mail him the money today.
*I really have no idea if any of the background information I gave you about PerchEater is true. I barely knew him - I don't even remember his last name.
**Not the crackers.
I took a biology class my freshman year of high school. My seat was at one of the tables in the back of the room (which really has no bearing on this story at all other than to let you know how the 'planning stages' of the incident got as far as they did before the teacher found out). One of the kids at the very back table, we'll call him PerchEater, was constantly trying to do things so that people would think he was cool. You know the type: He came from a broken home, his family was poor, his mom worked a lot so he was attention starved*, so basically just like my kids.
Fridays were dissection days. Or maybe Mondays were dissection days. Or Tuesdays. Who cares? The only point of relevance is that one of those days of the week we dissected things, and one of those weeks of the school year the thing we dissected was a yellow perch. Midway through the class period, PerchEater went around asking those of us who were seated around him how much we'd give him if he ate the perch. Of course, none of us were thinking about the possible ramifications of what injesting something that had been fixed in formalin and preserved in carosafe were, We just thought it'd be gross to watch him do it, so of course we all offered to pitch in. I told him I'd give him $10, some kids said $5 and others as much as $20 - adding up to a grand total somewhere around $200.
Once the total he had coming to him for his performance had reached the max (i.e., nobody else was willing to add to the pot), PerchEater decided it was time to deliver. However, our teacher began to suspect that something was up and started asking what was going on. Somebody told him and he put the kaibosh on it right then and there. Noone was going to eat a perch in his classroom. We were all disappointed, and justifiably so. We'd just had what would probably be the grossest thing we'd ever see anyone do throughout the course of the entire year yanked away from us. What a Quaker.
Well, then, imagine our surprise when the bell rang and we all filed out in the hallway only to see PerchEater procure the specimen from the pocket of his blue jeans. It seemed that there might be a show after all. After briefly asking around to make sure the deal still stood, PerchEater tipped his head back and lowered the fish into his mouth headfirst. I don't know exactly how he thought it would go down, maybe he'd seen to many movies with bachelors swallowing goldfish**, but I guess he thought it would slide right down his esophagus. It didn't. It just got stuck. Then he gagged, and the whole fish came flying up out of his mouth. PerchEater must have had very good reflexes, because he caught the perch mid-air, looked at it and then bit its head off and began chewing. About three bites in, our biology teacher came out of the classroom to see what all the fuss was about, found out that he'd eaten about half a perch, and grabbed him and ran down the hall. Later we found out that he went and called an ambulance and had PerchEater taken to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.
PerchEater missed the next couple days of school. Presumably because he was recovering from either the procedure at the hospital, the beating his mom gave him when he got home, or both. When he came back to class, there was no mention of the money we all owed him. I figured I'd wait until my next paycheck (my paychecks were very small in those days, so $10 was a lot of scratch) and then pay up, but by the end of the month had pretty much forgotten about it. PerchEater moved a month or two after that, so I never gave him the money I owed. If I had a current address I'd mail him the money today.
*I really have no idea if any of the background information I gave you about PerchEater is true. I barely knew him - I don't even remember his last name.
**Not the crackers.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Oh boy, find out what's up with me
Here are several statements that may or may not be true about things I've done in my life. Treat it like a True/False test and see how well you perform.
1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.
2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.
3. I married a seventeen year old girl.
4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.
5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.
6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.
7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)
8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.
1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.
2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.
3. I married a seventeen year old girl.
4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.
5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.
6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.
7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)
8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
They don't knock upon your door, they don't ring the bell
Yesterday I received a few emails from my sister. Each one contained a picture of the first place my ex-wife and I lived when we got married. (My sister figured that I might like to see them since I'd blogged about it a couple weeks ago.)
She also sent me a follow up email to make sure I got them:
Her: I sent you some pictures of your first 'home' when I went to Cedar Springs Marina. They are cell phone pictures, so check your spam or whatever so you can get them . . . It was pretty up there, but cold.
Me: Yeah, I got those. I'll probably post them on my blog in another few days if you don't mind. Unless you think that makes for an incredibly boring post. Maybe I should anyway. Then I wouldn't get people like [names withheld] all telling me that my blog is too dirty.
Her: Then the NEXT day you could post a picture of a penis.
Just to even stuff out.
So, there you have it. Here's a picture of the trailer my ex and I lived in (it's the one on the left - the next closest house [other than the marina owner's summer residence on the right] was about five miles away):
And here are a couple pictures of the view:
I used to have to drive* up and down the long driveway after a snow storm in order to smash down the snow so it my ex-wife could make it up the hill in our car. We had to do that because it was a private road and the snow plow didn't come that far off the main highway. Luckily, my dad let us borrow his truck (with 4WD and chains) for the worst storms. Occasionally we'd see mountain lion tracks on our front porch the morning after a snow storm. That's a pretty good indication that you live in a remote place. Sometimes I miss that.
*The driving could get pretty boring, so sometimes I'd intentionally start fishtailing my car on the way up. That used to be so much fun.
She also sent me a follow up email to make sure I got them:
Her: I sent you some pictures of your first 'home' when I went to Cedar Springs Marina. They are cell phone pictures, so check your spam or whatever so you can get them . . . It was pretty up there, but cold.
Me: Yeah, I got those. I'll probably post them on my blog in another few days if you don't mind. Unless you think that makes for an incredibly boring post. Maybe I should anyway. Then I wouldn't get people like [names withheld] all telling me that my blog is too dirty.
Her: Then the NEXT day you could post a picture of a penis.
Just to even stuff out.
So, there you have it. Here's a picture of the trailer my ex and I lived in (it's the one on the left - the next closest house [other than the marina owner's summer residence on the right] was about five miles away):
And here are a couple pictures of the view:
I used to have to drive* up and down the long driveway after a snow storm in order to smash down the snow so it my ex-wife could make it up the hill in our car. We had to do that because it was a private road and the snow plow didn't come that far off the main highway. Luckily, my dad let us borrow his truck (with 4WD and chains) for the worst storms. Occasionally we'd see mountain lion tracks on our front porch the morning after a snow storm. That's a pretty good indication that you live in a remote place. Sometimes I miss that.
*The driving could get pretty boring, so sometimes I'd intentionally start fishtailing my car on the way up. That used to be so much fun.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
In 1984 I was hospitalized for approaching perfection
I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Mine turned out to be much better than I expected. I got to talk to my kids while they opened presents, which wasn't quite the same as being there, but at least I got to hear some of the excitement. I also got to talk to most everyone else in my family, and had a good dinner at a friend's house, so I can't complain.
I am going to share part of one of the coolest presents I got. My mom put together a short family history with old family photos and the stories behind most of the major events in our lives. One thing you should know about my mother, and that is that she's a very talented woman artistically. She's also kept a journal her entire life (we're talking like 50 volumes here), and she always sets aside a few pages here and there to write down all the funny things that we said or did while we were growing up. She does this with her grandkids too. She calls them the "family funnies" and they're the only pages in her journals that she'll let other people read. I think everyone in our family loves reading those. I know I do.
Here's where the artistic part comes in. Another thing my mom does is draw cartoons. She's quite good at it, and this year she included a few pages worth of "family funnies" for each of her children that she drew up and included with the family story.
Here are a few of mine*:
Seriously, can anything beat my reasoning as a small child?
*I've cropped each one to be its own image, and in the process of doing so, took off her name and the date. Don't steal her stuff.
I am going to share part of one of the coolest presents I got. My mom put together a short family history with old family photos and the stories behind most of the major events in our lives. One thing you should know about my mother, and that is that she's a very talented woman artistically. She's also kept a journal her entire life (we're talking like 50 volumes here), and she always sets aside a few pages here and there to write down all the funny things that we said or did while we were growing up. She does this with her grandkids too. She calls them the "family funnies" and they're the only pages in her journals that she'll let other people read. I think everyone in our family loves reading those. I know I do.
Here's where the artistic part comes in. Another thing my mom does is draw cartoons. She's quite good at it, and this year she included a few pages worth of "family funnies" for each of her children that she drew up and included with the family story.
Here are a few of mine*:
Seriously, can anything beat my reasoning as a small child?
*I've cropped each one to be its own image, and in the process of doing so, took off her name and the date. Don't steal her stuff.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
The price of gas keeps on rising, nothing comes for free
So, my back isn't feeling any better. In fact, if anything, it's feeling worse. Not only am I having difficulty walking around, but it's also hard for me to drive because it hurts to work the clutch. I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow, but until this gets taken care of, I'm minimizing the amount of driving I have to do, and am having friends drive me places whenever possible. Today, while my friend was being my personal chauffeur, he had to stop and put some gas in the tank.
Him: Remember when you used to be able to buy $20 worth of gas, and you actually got plenty of gas.
Me: Yeah.
Him: Now you only get like six gallons for that price.
Me: I know. It sucks. Especially when you consider that when I was in high school a gallon of gas cost less than a dollar.
Him: I remember that. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago.
Me: Then again, I remember when candy bars used to only cost a quarter.
Him: I don't remember that.
Me: When I was a kid, my mom would make us Valentine's Day cards and would tape a quarter to them so that we could buy a candy bar, but that probably just means I'm old. I even remember when it used to only cost $5 to buy a hooker.
Yup, those were the days.
Him: Remember when you used to be able to buy $20 worth of gas, and you actually got plenty of gas.
Me: Yeah.
Him: Now you only get like six gallons for that price.
Me: I know. It sucks. Especially when you consider that when I was in high school a gallon of gas cost less than a dollar.
Him: I remember that. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago.
Me: Then again, I remember when candy bars used to only cost a quarter.
Him: I don't remember that.
Me: When I was a kid, my mom would make us Valentine's Day cards and would tape a quarter to them so that we could buy a candy bar, but that probably just means I'm old. I even remember when it used to only cost $5 to buy a hooker.
Yup, those were the days.
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