What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach.

I got this email a few months ago. I meant to post it then, but somehow it got buried in my inbox. Better late then never though, right? Enjoy!


Hello,
I hope to hear from you again

I am glad for your answer. How do you today? I am a young girl, a good search, sexy figure of an ideal body. My country of Darfur, Sudan. My height is about 5.11 meters tall, fair in person, I at one time, I live in a refugee camp in Dakar as a result of political crisis and civil war is happening in my country, Sudan. My father and mother were shot and killed in the war my late father, Dr. Korren Annan became director general of Korren & Partners (Ltd), and it was a personal konsultantna Sudanese (President Omar al-Bashir), after which the rebels attacked our house, and in the early morning killing of my mother and my father in cold blood. It is only me that is alive, and I managed my way to the next country Senegal, where I live now in a refugee camp, and that the computer belongs to the pastor of the church here in the camp.

My Hobbies:
Swimming, music, cooking and reading.
My likes: honesty and simplicity
I do not like: lies and disappointment

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, hobbies and what you do now.
I will tell you more about myself in my next post. Here are some of my paintings. Regards - Jessica







Perhaps I should've responded?

And I get lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

I got a spam email the other day from a "woman" who is apparently looking for love:

Hello
How are you today? I hope you are fine.My name is Anna Luck,26 years I am single girl looking for honest and nice person. Somebody who i can partner with .I don't care about your colour or ethnicity.I would like to know you more,most especially what you like and what you dislike.I'm sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much happiness.I am looking forward to hear from you,
Love from,
Anna

I'm going to go ahead and not reply, and she's going to have to continue "looking forward to hear" from me.

If I was twice the man I could be I'd still be half of what you need

Lately I've been getting a lot of emails that begin as follows:

"Great Chap, Don't tell me why your thing is so small"
"Don't tell me why your ramrod is so small"
"Hey comrade with a small woody"
"I don't care why your Johnson's small, but 71% of women do"
"Manzilla! Size does matter! You seen this on TV!"
"Take your award Mr. Small Woody 2006"

Let me worry about finding a girl first, then I'll start to worry about whether my member is a good enough size.

Are you trying to tell me something?

I seem to be receiving far too many emails every day telling me how I can obtain this little blue pill for very reasonable prices. At least I assume they are reasonable prices, because I can't imagine anyone responding to such emails unless the prices were too good to be true (I have no idea how much viagra actually costs - really, I don't). Having said that, surely people must respond, or else there wouldn't be so many of these emails filling up my inbox.

(Ok, a quick Google search shows that it's about $10 a pill. It is rumored to be selling in China for as much as $40 per pill. These emails are advertising it for $3.80. Maybe I should start buying it here and selling it in China. Back to the point.)

This pill is a perfect example of doing the best you can with what you've got. Most people already know this, but the pill was originally intended to help with coronary artery disease, but obtaining an erection was one of the side effects. Rather than fight with that and figure out how to make it stop producing erections, the creators saw an opportunity to rake in some serious cash, and instead, developed it into the boner pill that we all know and love. I'd have to say it worked for them. I'd settle for a small fraction of the money they must have made by now.

I have to admit, I wonder whether people are sending me these emails because they know something about me that I don't. I got real concerned that erectyl dysfunction might be in my genes when I did the Google image search to obtain the picture I've posted and saw one of my brother, Psycho Intern (ok, so I made that up). More likely it's just that my university's email system sucks at filtering spam. It's hard to believe (no pun intended - ok fine, pun intended) that I'd get ten times more junk sent to my professional account than I do to my hotmail account.

Missed Opportunities?

Starting about six months ago I have been receiving anywhere between 5-15 emails a day from people who wish to share their fortunes with me. At least 5 of these have supposedly been from the widow of the late Yasser Arafat. You've probably all gotten these. The dollar amounts and reasons why this money must be redistributed vary, but the underlying theme is the same. They generally go something like this:

Dear Sir/Friend/Beloved,

I am the son/widow/lottery manager/bank manager/attorney for the president of an African country torn apart by civil war/diamond mine/oil company and am looking for a business partner to help protect my father's/husband's/some dead client's money (usually accompanied with a link to show the accident in which the client died) from the government/business partner who is trying to get their hands on it.

I am looking for a business partner so that I can transfer this money into your country. The sum is (varies) and I would be willing to split it with you 80/20 (this also varies) for your efforts. All you need to do is give me your name, phone number, fax number and a bank account number so that we can make this transfer. Please understand that this must be kept strictly confidential until after the money has been transferred. Also know that there will be an opportunity for us to business together again in the future.

Sincerely/Yours Faithfully/Yours in God,

Name

Now I hate to be skeptical of these good people who are just looking to help me out by sharing their fortune with me in the name of doing what is right, but how can it be that there are at least five people a day who are willing to give me millions (or at the very least 100s of thousands of dollars)? Do people actually fall for this stuff and respond by sending out their names and bank account numbers? More importantly, who exactly is keeping this world list of emails updated? And how is it that this person (or people) knows which email addresses belong to people who can be trusted? And how can I get my name removed?

I just want to come out and say, Ms. Arafat, I am sorry to hear about your esophageal cancer, and that you have not lived your life according to your beliefs. I hope that you are able to make things right with your God, but I am not interested in laundering your money. You'll have to get someone else's email address off the 'world list.' We know that if they're on there, they can be trusted.

Of course, if I ever find out that all of these are real I am going to bang my head against the wall and cry about my lost fortune.