I need a mother, I'm sorry but it's true

Last Friday one of my friends asked if I was going to go to a departmental party. I told him that I wasn't because I'd forgotten about it, and had already told some people I'd meet up with them.

Friend: Oh really? Who?

Me: Your mom. We're going to hook up later.

Friend: You obviously haven't seen my mom. I'll show you some pictures and we'll put an end to this business right now.

Me: Maybe, but she'd be fine after a few drinks.

Later in the evening, once the departmental party was winding down, he texted my other friend to see if we were still out.

Text 1: Who's there?

Text 2 (a few seconds later): Not my mom.

My friend's text back: Your sister and your wife.

He showed up a few minutes later:

Friend 1: Where's everybody at? I was expecting a family reunion.

Me: They just left.

Friend 2: They needed to go clean up.

Friend 1: I hate you guys.

A few minutes later, Friend 2 leaned over and whispered to me, "I changed your name in the contacts list in my phone. Now it says [Friend 1]'s Mom. Text me something foul."

So I did.

He showed it to Friend 1.

The look on his face was priceless.

Stacy, can I come over after school? We can hang around by the pool.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Mr M's school for a parent-teacher conference. Friday he brought home a note from his teacher. It read:

"Appropriate Dress Attire For Parent Volunteers/Visitors
When volunteering/visiting at [School's Name], parents are expected to wear attire that reflects the boundaries outlined in the [School's] Dress Regulation for students. We ask that parents do not wear spaghetti straps, shorts or skirts that are shorter than fingertip length, or clothing that exposes the midriff and/or the chest area."

The fact that they send this note home tells me they've had trouble with parents showing up in inappropriate attire. This being Vegas, I can only assume there are strippers with children at the school. Seriously, I have got to meet some of the other students' mothers.

It's nothing personal, you saw to that, you're just a person who does her best work on her back

I've mentioned before how answering a question with the words "Your mom" can sometimes get a person in trouble. I don't care. I still say it because it's funny. It's one of those things I'll probably be saying when I'm 80.

That said, I recently had another instance where it could've gotten me into trouble. It didn't, but it could've.

My kids' step-dad: You get all that for the low, low price of twenty-five cents.

Togers: Wait. What only costs twenty-five cents?

Me: Your mom.


I have to say that nothing beats implying that your ex-wife is a cheap whore in front of your children**, your ex-wife and her husband, and getting laughs from everybody.






*This just happens to be the song stuck in my head right now, so it's not meant to be a statement about my ex.

**Not that they'd understand the implication.