I'm sexy and I know it

A few days ago I went with Togers and some friends to an antique store. While we there I saw a really big mirror with an asking price of $400. As I stood there looking at the mirror, trying to puzzle out what was so special about it, Togers and one of my friends walked up.

Me: Look at that mirror. It's amazing!

Togers: What's so amazing about it?

Me (gesturing toward my reflection): Can't you see how handsome it is?

Later on I was telling another friend about how proud I was of my joke. Then I had to add this to the end of the story:

Me: [Togers] didn't get it at first. Probably because he's dumb.

Togers: I'm not dumb. I'm not the one that thought that was handsome.

Got a foul mouth that she never heard

Yesterday my roommate and I were getting ready to watch a movie, but decided that first we needed to go to the store to get some snacks. I settled on an ice cream sandwich and some Grape Vines. I handed him some money and told him just to pay for everything.

Cashier: Will that be everything for you?

Roommate: Yeah.

Cashier: Who's getting the Grape Vines? Those things are delicious.

Me: We're going to fight over them.

Cashier (looking at me): I have faith in you.

Me (to my roommate): Did you hear that? She just called you a pussy.

Cashier (shocked): No, I didn't say that.

Me: Her words, dude. Not mine.

Cashier: . . .

I'd rather dance than talk with you

This morning I forgot about two things:

1) The tunnel I drive through on the way to my office is under more construction than usual.

2) Classes start today.

The combination of these two facts meant that traffic was a bajillion times heavier than it's been all summer. Yes, a bajillion.

As I sat inching my car along, I had more time to notice some things. Like the license plate frame on the car in front of me that read "I'd rather be swimming." I can understand wanting to be just about anywhere other than driving in heavy traffic, but I was a little surprised that people still put those frames around their license plates. I was also a little surprised that no matter what, this person would rather be swimming. Driving to the airport for a tropical vacation? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Making out in the back seat of the car? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Then, as I pulled into the parking lot on campus, I noticed a friend's truck had one that read, "I'd rather be playing baseball."

So I learned two things on my way to campus: Some complete stranger likes swimming. A friend of mine likes baseball.

The problem with those license plate frames, though, is that there are some people who can't be completely honest with what they'd rather be doing because of social stigmas. I came up with a few, for those people. Hey, I'm here to help.

I'd rather be . . .

. . . watching porn.

. . . skinning squirrels.

. . . cooking methamphetamine.

. . . sacrificing virgins.

. . . punching retards.

. . . date raping your sister.

. . . burning a cross in your yard.

. . . choking a hooker.

Feel free to put your favorite one around your license plate.

And I don't mind the forces of evil if they bring me closer to you

Me: Want to hear a really offensive joke?

GWWBMGF: Only if you want to tell it.

Me: Of course I do, or I wouldn't have brought it up.

GWWBMGF: Okay. Tell me.

Me: Okay. So there's this married couple that goes to the doctor to find out about some test results for the wife. When they got there, the doctor came in and said, "I'm really, really embarrassed to have to say this, but there was a mix up and now we're not sure which results are yours. You either have AIDS or Alzheimer's, but we're not sure which." The husband got very upset and said, "Well that's just great! What are we supposed to do with that?" The doctor answered, "This is what you do: Take her out and drop her off in the forest somewhere, and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

GWWBMGF: That's terrible!

Me: You don't think it's funny?

GWWBMGF: I like that you think it's funny.

And the wise man said I don't wanna hear your voice

Friend: I just got a text that said "are you a guy?"

Me: From who? And are you?

Friend: From an unknown number. I said, "yes, who is this?" and they said, "a girl - how old are you?" How does someone get my number?

Me: I don't know. I mean, I spray painted it on the wall in the locker room at like three local high schools, but I don't know.

A question of trust

Girl: So let me get this straight. He felt like it was his fault that happened, even though it was his wife that did it?

Me: Yeah.

Girl: Because his wife's actions are somehow his fault?

Me: Yeah.

Girl: How does that make sense?

Me: It's simple. Bitches can't be trusted to make their own decisions*.







*I thought I was being hilarious. I'm not sure she agreed.

Three words that became hard to say: I and love and you

The other day a girl I know dropped by my building to see if she could get a form signed by my adviser, whose office is just down the hall. He wasn't in, so she sat in my office for a few minutes to see if he'd show up. One of my lab mates heard me talking, but not her, so he poked his head in to see why I was talking to myself.

She made a comment to him that made fun of me somehow (I can't remember what it was).

I looked at him and said, "[She] doesn't love me anymore."

She asked me, "Did I ever?"

I answered, "Let's see, you've met me, and you're female, so yeah."

Drink, drink this town is so great, drink, drink 'cause it's never too late

Since I'm probably one of the only people in the world who doesn't drink yet still frequents bars, a lot of people ask why I don't drink. That's understandable, but I've decided that I'm going to start making up reasons that'll make the person who's asking feel uncomfortable. (Similar to The Joker explaining how he got the scars on his face in The Dark Knight.)

Here are the ones I've come up with so far:

- I'm a recovering meth addict, and alchol was my companion drug, so I can't get drunk without wanting to get high.

- I haven't touched alcohol since my dad came home drunk and blasted my mom with a twelve gauge shotgun.

- The last time I got drunk was when the Priest took me into his chambers and plied me with a bottle of wine, and I don't remember anything that happened between then and the next morning when I woke up with a sore butt.

- I learned my lesson after I was driving drunk one day and t-boned a van full of pre-school kids who were on their way to the dinosaur museum, killing all but one of them in a fiery explosion and leaving the lone survivor horribly disfigured from the third degree burns that covered 80% of his body.


So, take a vote, or offer up a new explanation of your own. Whichever gets the most votes will be the reason I give the next time I get asked the question.

Are you a lucky little lady in the city of light?

I was talking with a couple of guys I work with, and we came up with a new system that married men can use to rank women. I've taken the liberty to assign each level a letter grade.

In reverse order
Level F: Women you won't sleep with under any circumstances.

Level D: Women you might have slept with in your bachelor days if you were drunk enough.

Level C: Women you would sleep with if you weren't married.

Level B: Women you would sleep with even though you are married.

Level A: Women you would sleep with even though you are married, and your wife wouldn't get mad.


Obviously Level A women are the true cream of the crop.

In the future, cloners won't make much money

Once again, I give you an example of why it's good to be the guy writing the tests rather than the person who's taking it. Here is the last question on my final exam.


Which of the following is not a practical use of gene technology? (Yet!)

a) Gene therapy
b) Forensics
c) Diagnosis of disease
d) Environmental clean up
e) Formation of a clone army so that [Native Minnow] can someday rule the world.