Hey yeah I'm the one that you wanted, hey yeah I'm your superbeast

I've been in Arizona with my kids for the last few days. Today as we were driving back from a quick trip to the mall, Mr M asked me an important question.

Mr M: Dad, would you rather be a zombie or a human?

Me: Hmmm. Probably a zombie.

Mr M: Why a zombie?

Me: Because then the only thing I'd feel would be a craving for brains.

Tortellini: Yeah, but it would be an overwhelming feeling.

Me: It would. But it couldn't be worse than longing for a human's touch.

Tortellini: Ew. Perv.

Mr M: He's a pedophile*.

Nothing says happy holidays quite like being called a perv and a pedophile by one's own children.

*I hope he doesn't know what that word really means.

Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky

Reason #327 why my siblings shouldn't allow me to interact with their children can be observed in the following text conversation with my niece:

Take it back say it's not what you thought

Last night I stayed at a friend's house. This morning we went to breakfast. When the server brought the bill we each handed her a card and asked her to split the bill down the middle.

Me: I think mine was a little bit more than yours so I probably owe you a dollar or two.

Friend: How about you just don't jizz all over the sheets on my guest bed and we'll call it even.

Me: Uh. It might be too late for that. You should've told me last night if that's what you wanted.

It's in the photograph of love

My brother is quite a good photographer. Last night he was telling me about an aspiring model who wants him to do a photo-shoot with her.

Him: She wants me to take pictures of her and one of her friends who is also an aspiring model.

Me: You know what that means? Threesome.

Him: You're such a freak.

Me: Alright. Alright. I'll do it. But I'm going to need some advance notice so I can get one of those spray on tans beforehand.

Him: And lose twenty pounds.

Me: Yeah. And grow a bigger dick.

Shock the monkey

Contender for worst children's book ever:



Even worse is that it was in a college book store.

Tell me it's not just me that thinks so, but at least it wasn't 'Choke the Chicken.'

Public pervert

Last night Tortellini spent the night at a friend's house. This morning she called me to see if I could pick her and another girl up and take them home. She started to give me directions, but I didn't have anything to write with, so I just told her to meet me by the middle school in the neighborhood because I knew how to get there.

I pulled up to a four way stop right by the school, then saw Tortellini and two of her friends sitting on the sidewalk. I pulled up real slow, and looked over at them hoping that Tortellini would see me. Her friend saw me first, and thought I was checking them out instead.

Friend: Gross. That guy's a perv.

Tortellini: That's my dad.

I think they were both right.