I've got friends in all the right places, I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay

When we were coming home from the desert last weekend, my friend's check engine light came on just as we passed through a small town.  Being a Sunday afternoon, there wasn't any repair shop open, but he didn't feel comfortable pushing on to the next town and risking doing further damage to his vehicle, so we opted to stay the night so we could have it looked at in the morning.  After looking around town to see what our options were, we decided to rent a cabin at a campground in town.  There wasn't much to it, just a queen sized bed, some bunk beds, and an air conditioner.  It was good enough.

At one point, my friend looked at his lady friend and said, "What are we going to do tonight when we're having sex and [Minnow] is going to be right there?  You're going to have to keep it quiet."

She got really embarrassed.

I said, "You can be quiet or you can be loud, it won't matter to me.  I'll have my ear buds in."

"Are you serious?" she asked.

I answered, "Yeah.  That way I won't be able to hear it when you guys tell me to stop masturbating while I watch you."

Don't go 'round when the Devil's loose

A few weeks ago I went to my brother's house for a Sunday dinner. While there, he and I started talking about how we should go try to fish.

Brother: Is it okay if I go fishing with [Minnow] tonight?

Sister-in-Law: You can do whatever you want. I don't care.

Me: Alright!!! Let's go expose ourselves to female joggers along the river trail!

So I grabbed baby girl by the rear end

A couple of Fridays ago I had to call a friend from Vegas to ask him about some things. When I called him, a female friend of ours answered the phone. I recognized her voice right away, and talked to her for a few minutes before she handed the phone to him. He walked outside so he could hear me better, we talked about the things I needed to ask him for several minutes, but eventually he started feeling like he was being rude by talking to me and ignoring her.

Him: I'd better go. [Friend] is sitting at the table all by herself.

Me: Okay. Grab her ass for me when you go back inside. Make sure you tell her it's from me.

Him: Alright. Will do.

Less than a minute later, I got a text.

Her: Why are you grabbing my butt?

Me: It looks so nice I can't help it. Especially in those jeans. It's good to see that he's okay with following orders.

Her: I'm sure he didn't need a lot of convincing.

I can attest to that.

It's in the photograph of love

My brother is quite a good photographer. Last night he was telling me about an aspiring model who wants him to do a photo-shoot with her.

Him: She wants me to take pictures of her and one of her friends who is also an aspiring model.

Me: You know what that means? Threesome.

Him: You're such a freak.

Me: Alright. Alright. I'll do it. But I'm going to need some advance notice so I can get one of those spray on tans beforehand.

Him: And lose twenty pounds.

Me: Yeah. And grow a bigger dick.

Hey, I don't wanna break down why I'm feeling so lonely when you're around

I was walking across campus today when I saw a friend of mine.

Her: Where are you going?

Me: Lunch. Want to come?

Her Friend (who I've never met): Are you going to buy food for us?

Me: The only way I'm buying you food is if you put out.


Got to make a good first impression, you know?

Free like a bird, yet I don't fly much

Friend: Come on, [Husband] and I are ready. Let's go.

Me: I'm not ready to go yet.

Friend: Alright, I see you checking out that girl's cleavage, Dr. Douche.

Me: I'm Dr. Do Whatever I Want.

Friend: So why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Me: Yeah, that's not happening.

Friend: Well, until you do that, you're Dr. Douche.

Cookin' up a Filipino box spring hog

Last Friday, while waiting for a seminar class to start, some friends asked me about my job search:

Friend 1: Have you applied for any jobs recently?

Me: I have, but haven't been successful with any of my applications so far.

Friend 1: The other day I saw a position advertised doing Indo-Pacific research.

Me: Yeah, I saw that too. You're talking about the one in the Philippines, right?

Friend 1: I think that's the one.

Me: I'm thinking about applying for that. It sounds like a cool research project, and I'd be teaching over there too, which would look good on my CV. I'm just not entirely sure I'd want to live abroad for the next three years.

Friend 2: You can't move to the Philippines. How are you going to do that when you've got kids?

Me (jokingly): It wouldn't be that big of a deal. My kids already know I hate them.

Friend 2: Well, if they don't, moving to the opposite end of the earth would certainly get the message across.

Me: At least I'd have a job. There aren't many being advertised here. Plus I could give my kids killer vacations when they came to visit.

Friend 2: But think about the cost of bringing them over there.

Me: Airfare would be expensive for sure, but once they were there I'd only have to feed them bananas and mangoes, so it'd balance out. Besides, if you think about it, I could live like a king on a post-doc's salary over there. Not only that, but I'd also be surrounded by Filipino girls. It'd be just like Heaven.

Friend 2: Except all the girls over there probably get married by the time they're eighteen, so you'd still be out of luck.

Me: Not if I started dating seventeen year olds.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


I happened to mention that I was thinking about applying for this position to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend the other day too.

Her response?

"Oh, wow. If you got a job there I'd move with you."

My response to that?

"Shut up. You would not."

Well, I shuffled through the city on the 4th of July, I had a firecracker ready to blow

I'm visiting my parents for the 4th of July. Earlier today, we went downtown to take a look at an antique car show, and a few of the other festivities at the city park. After a short while, I told my brother that there weren't any hot girls, so I might as well go back home.

Him: What do you have against hometown hotties?

Me: I don't have anything against them. There just aren't any.

Him: Sure there are.

Me: Go ahead. Find me one hot girl who doesn't have a child or a husband in tow.


Approximately five minutes later.

Him: Hmmm. Do they have to be out of high school?

Me: This place is teeming with cops, so I'm going to have to say yes.

There's so much to live up to and I wish that somehow I could give it all to you

A girl I know called yesterday to see if my friend and I would come visit her at work if she bought us a round of drinks or an appetizer. We'd been promising to stop by since she started working there, so we figured last night was as good a time as any.

[Click to enlarge]


I'm sure these were a lot better than the one that girl from Colorado got a few years back.

A cheerleading chick

Walking back from the research symposium today:

Me: Why are there cheerleaders all over campus?

Labmate: They're in high school, which means they're illegal.

Me: I didn't mean it in a "hey baby" sort of way. I'm just wondering. Why do you think that everything I say is pervy and creepy?

Labmate: That's because everything you say is pervy and creepy.

Me: That's beside the point.

If it was ugly it's uglier now

Friend: Nice coochie cutters.

Me (excitedly): Where?

Friend: Right there.

I look over and see a guy wearing short shorts.

Me: You idiot. Those aren't coochie cutters. They're nut-huggers.

Friend: So they are.

Me: What a disappointment. You really had my hopes up.

Do it and do it again

Silentkid: There was a guy there last night who was older than my dad. I looked over at him and should've said, "Hey, what are you doin' here?" There were only like four girls in the whole place.

Me: You should've hit on that one girl.

Silenkid: What one girl? The refreshment girl? The one I was staring at all night?

Me: I don't know. What was she wearing?

Silentkid: Something red, with a little cape.

Me: Yeah, that one.

Silentkid: She was flirting with a gay pirate.

Me: What you should've done was tapped the gay pirate on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I cut in?" and then put it in her butt.

Silentkid: Just like that.

Me: Yup. I wonder how long it'd take you to finish if you're raping someone in public.

Silentkid: That is a good question. I don't know.

Me: There's really only one way to find out.

Livin' it up while I'm going down

I went to the library earlier this week. As I walked up to the door I saw a tall blonde with an excellent body. She was dressed in the sort of clothes that strippers wear on their day off. You know the outfit, the tight sweat suit sort of things where the pants are riding a little low and the top shows their midriff. I hate it when fat girls wear those things, but luckily, this girl wasn't fat, so I didn't have to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

I walked in behind her, and we both went to the elevator, which was cool because I got to check her out the entire time without looking like a creep because that's where I was going anyway. Well, maybe I did look like a creep, but I don't care, because I am a creep, but the main point is that she didn't see me looking like a creep. Or so I thought.

The elevator doors opened, and we both got in. She walked to the back of the elevator, and I turned and punched the button for the fifth floor. There were more people getting in behind me, so I also stepped to the back of the elevator. As I took my first step, a hand reached out and smacked me in the middle of my chest. It was the stripper looking girl.

I was stunned. Not by the fact that she hit me hard, but I was trying to figure out how she possibly could have seen me checking her out. It was impossible. I was out of her line of sight the entire time. As my mind raced to try to think of something to say or do I heard her say, "Hey, how are you?"

For the first time I looked at her face. She was a former student of mine, she just looked different because she'd gone and gotten herself some bleached hair and a boob job.

You'd think that'd be enough to make me change my ways, but it won't.

If you don't expect too much from me you might not be let down

Friend 1: [Friend 2] was jealous last time her boyfriend left town.

Me: Why were you jealous?

Friend 2: Because he met up with one of his ex-girlfriends while he was there. It was the first time he'd seen her in years.

Me: So why are you jealous?

Friend 2: Because she was the first one he ever, well, you know.

Me: No, I don't know. First time he ever what? Held hands?

Friend 2: No, he didn't grow up where you did where everything's all innocent.

Me: So, was she the first to let him put it in the butt?

Friend 2: Ew. No. That's not what you were doing when you were that age.

Friend 1: No. [Minnow] was making babies and getting married when he was that age.

Me: In other words, making some of the worst decisions of my life.

Friend 1: He'd have been better off if he had put it in the butt.

Was it more than attraction or physical lust?

Friend 1: My trainer is cute. I think you'd like her.

Me: And?

Friend 1: And I'm working out with her tomorrow at 3 p.m.

Me: But I can't work out.

Friend 1: You can't work out your eyeballs?

Me: What? Am I just supposed to go over there and watch the two* of you?

Friend 1: You can ogle. Her, not me.

Me: Well, I could. I'm pretty good at doing that.

Friend 2: [Minnow], you're getting creepier** and creepier.

Me: That's not true. I've always been creepy.

Friend 1: He was born a dirty old man.







*Friend 1 is female, just to be clear.

**This came shortly after another conversation in which I said I didn't want to go to the pool with Friend 2 unless I was going to be able to look at girls in bikinis, or rather, their boobies.

If you think that a kiss is on the lips come on you've got it all wrong man

Last night I went to a basketball game. On the way over, my friend and I saw another friend of ours who was also going to the game. While we were sitting in the student section, our other friend had box seats. He mentioned that the girl who had hooked him up with the tickets had some really attractive friends that might also be in attendance.

Near the end of the first half, I received a text message from the guy with box seats. The following text message conversation ensued:

Him: Reminds me of when we used to play basketball :(

Me: Any hot chicks up there in the booth with you?

Him: Mostly sausage

Me: Eat up

Him: Mmmmmmm. . .

Me: Make sure to close your eyelids before getting shot in the face so as to avoid eye irritation

Him: Thanks! You know from experience?

Me: From you alright. I learned from watching you!

Him: Nice! I love that commercial! My dad was too busy watching tv to teach me to smoke pot.

Me: Parents who suck cock have kids who suck cock

Him: I don't know what to say to that.

Me: Well, what can you say when your mouth's full of cock?

Him: Ok. You win!

I just want to be your firecracker, maybe be your baby tonight

The last step on my list of 'how to upgrade your bedroom' said to create an application form for ladies who want to help break in the new bed to fill out. Well, from here on out I shall refer to these ladies as the 'Classy Ladies' (It's an old inside joke I have with one of my friends that I don't care to explain right now - just go with it).

Here's the application I came up with, in case any of you are inclined to apply.


CLASSY LADY APPLICATION

Name:

Age:

Sex*:

Height:

Weight:

Are you employed?
If yes, what is your position?
What is your salary?
Does any part of your job require the removal of your clothing?

Have you ever been diagnosed with, or do any of your family and friends think you might have, bipolar disorder?
How about any other psychological disorder?

Do you have hair?
If yes, how long?
What color?
Is it dyed?

Is your belly button an innie or an outie?
Is it pierced?
Do you have any other piercings?
If yes, please describe:


Do you have any tattoos?
If yes, how many?
What are they of?
Where are they located?
Will you show them to me?

Do you have teeth?
All of them?
If no, where are the missing teeth located?
Do you have fake teeth to fill the gap?

What color are your eyes?
Are one or more of your eyes made of glass?

Do you have a wooden leg?
If no, would you like one?

Do you have breasts?
If yes, are they lopsided?
What size?
Are they real?
Are they motorboatable?

Underwear preference (circle one):
Thong
Granny Panty
Victoria's Secret seamless
Commando

Do you have any facial hair, such as a mustache or unibrow?
If yes, please describe:


Do you have kids?
If yes, how many?
If more than one, how many dads?

Do you have any super-powers?
If so, are they used for good or evil?

Are you proficient in yoga or gymnastics?

Do you cook?
If yes, are you adept at handling poisons?

Are you allergic to latex?

Do you like brie?

Have you ever severed a penis and hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?
Have you ever severed a penis and not hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?





*Obviously the wrong answer to some of these questions can automatically exclude someone from consideration.

But you cannot stop the television

Now that the Super Bowl is over, I have to admit I'm a little sad. Regular TV doesn't have live announcers stating things like the following:

"He has the speed and agility to get to the backside hole"
"There's so much front side penetration that he has to go deeper on the backside"
"He just took a load from the sideline coach"
"When he gets the balls in his hands"

On the bright side, at least there's still the NBA:

"He's got dribble penetration"
"There he goes with the back door pass"
"He goes back door and takes it to the hole"
"All these guys getting facials are going to end up posterized."

Helplessly fucked in the ass by a legion of forty ex-cons*

I went to an emo bar with two of my friends Friday night (before the DUI incident). One of my friends used to go there regularly, so he knew a few people and introduced us.

Shortly after our introduction:

Girl: How do you guys know [Friend 1]?
Friend 1: Internet chat room.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah - preoptrannies.com.
Girl: No. Seriously, how did you meet him?
Me: Ok, so it wasn't that one, but it really was a chat room.
Girl: Are you serious?
Me: Yeah, it was through meet an inmate. He was my pen pal while I was in prison.
Girl: Really?

Meeting new people can be so much fun.

Later in the evening:

Friend 1: Man, I'm feeling real negative. All I want to do is talk shit about everyone. It must be because I'm around [Minnow].
Friend 2 (to me): Do you talk a lot of shit?
Me: Who, me? Well, not about everybody. Well, ok, almost everybody.
Friend 2: What do you say about me?
Me: I can't tell you that.
Friend 2: No, I'm serious.
Me: You really want to know?
Friend 2: Yeah.
Me: Ok. I think the only thing I've ever said about you is that I'm glad you like to show off your cleavage because it's so nice.
Friend 2 (blushing): Really?
Friend 1: Yeah. Especially in that green dress you had on the other day. The first time I saw you wear it I wanted to bang you.
Friend 2: . . .

At the beginning of the evening Friend 1 mentioned that his goal for the night was to do or say something that would make it onto my blog. Mission Accomplished.




* I've wanted to work this Oingo Boingo lyric into a title for a long time. You have no idea how delighted I am to finally have a post that kind of fit.

I met my wife at a party where I drank too much

It's been a while since I've listed any pick up lines. I'm not feeling very original these days so I didn't come up with these, but have listed from whence they came. You can see that they're pretty much guaranteed to work.

One of my former students (not to me): You have 206 bones in your body. Would you like one more?

Captain Zap Brannigan: I like your style. I find it somewhat erotic.

Grampa: You have beautiful eyes, now bend over.

My Navajo Friend: Say baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?