Tailored suits, chauffered cars, fine hotels, and big cigars, up for grabs, up for a price

Friend: So what's the deal with you and that Asian girl?

Me: What are you talking about?

Friend: I've seen the flirting. It seems to be going both ways.

Me: Nah. I don't make enough money to keep that girl happy.

Friend: Do you think she's a gold digger?

Me: I guarantee it.

Friend: How do you know that?

Me: She works as an image consultant.

Friend: I don't even know what that is.

Me: I didn't either, until I asked her. It's basically someone who helps rich people pick out expensive gifts for their wives or girlfriends.

Friend: So like a personal shopper?

Me: I guess. But expensive stuff. She told me she helps guys pick out diamond necklaces, or $4000 evening gowns. Stuff like that.

Friend: That's crazy.

Me: I told her that if there were men willing to spend that much on their women, that surely there would be women out there who are willing to spend that kind of money on their men, and that I needed to find one of those women.

Friend: What did she say to that?

Me: She said, "You're going to need to clean it up." I asked, "Clean what up?" She said, "All of it!"

Friend: You're right. You can't afford her.

Me: I told you!

I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes

One of my friends is in school to become a nurse. She's beautiful, so basically the kind of nurse every guy wishes he'd get when going to the hospital but never does. She and I have a running joke that she can be my sugar mama when she finishes her degree and gets a job. Last time I talked to her the subject came up again.

Me: Just think, we could move into a house, and you could pay the mortgage and all the utilities.

Her: What would you pay for?

Me: Well, let's see. I could still cover my car payment.

Her: That's not very much.

Me: Maybe I could pay my auto insurance too.

Her: What else?*

Me: I guess I could also pay for condoms. And lube.

Her: Wait, doesn't a little bit of lube go a long way?

Me: That depends.






*She must've been struggling with the concept of what a sugar mama is/does.

Happenstance has changed my plans

Part of my master plan for my life was to drive my car into the ground so as to avoid having to make car payments until after I finished my degree. Unfortunately, the driving-the-car-into-the-ground part of that happened earlier than I would have liked (although, not earlier than I could have reasonably expected). This last batch of necessary repairs included a new serpentine belt and belt tensioner, a new starter, and new motor mounts. It would have cost approximately $1400 in parts and labor to fix, and that didn't even take care of whatever was dumping water (water pump?), the alternator that's starting to show signs of wearing out, and the oil leak that would have taken another $800 to fix. It all seemed like a little much to try and take care of on a 1999 Mercury Mystique with 166,000 miles. Most vehicles from Ford Motor Company tend to crap out at about 120,000 miles, so I feel as though I've been pushing my luck for the past year or so.

So, after weighing my options, I decided to start looking around for another vehicle. I simply can't afford to sink a couple thousand dollars into a car that isn't worth that much. Especially when there's a very real possibility that something else would go wrong shortly thereafter. Even though I dreaded the thought of having to deal with all the weasely used car salesmen in Vegas, I figured it was the best option. I told you about the slimeball sales manager that my friend and I talked to the other day before the BRMC concert (seriously, if I were to write a movie script where one of the characters was a used car salesmen/drug dealer, I would want the casting director to find this guy and offer him the part). I was afraid that they would all be like that.

Fortunately for me, my friend knows a guy who works for a car dealership, so he arranged for me to go out and see him. I have to say, that's definitely the way to shop for a car. My friend told me that the salesman was a great guy and that I wouldn't have to worry about him trying to screw me over. So I called the guy and he told me to come out and see if there was anything on the lot that I liked, and that if there was, he could get me a deal for $300 over invoice. I figured it was worth a shot, so I borrowed my roommate's car and went out there. Honestly, it felt a little weird pulling up to a car dealership to shop for a used car in a $30,000 vehicle that's only about a year old, but that's just how I roll.

I met my friend's friend, told him what I was looking for, and he showed me several vehicles that would suit my needs. After a couple of test drives, I settled on one (a 2006 Nissan Sentra with 16,500 miles), and signed off on all the paperwork that night. I just might be the worst car shopper in the history of car shoppers, because I feel like I rushed into things. Plus, the vehicle I got was a couple thousand more than I was looking to spend, but it should also be a very reliable car that maintains its value. I should be able to drive it for a long time.

Earlier in the day I'd told my mechanic to fix the bare minimum on my car, so that I could drive it to a car dealership and use it as a trade-in. I knew I wasn't going to get anything for it if I couldn't even get it to the dealership under its own power. They'd called me earlier to tell me it was ready, but I hadn't picked it up yet, so I couldn't take my new car home until the next day (I could have, but that would have required two of the employees to follow me home, then one of them would have had to drive me back the following day when I dropped off my trade. I told them it would be less hassle for everyone for me to just pick it up then, and that I could make it that long without any severe emotional stress).

Yesterday I drove my old car out there. I have to admit, it was one of the more stressful drives of my life. There was still a rattle coming from somewhere in the engine and I knew I had to make it all the way across town (about a 30 minute drive) without it breaking down on me in order for them to take it off my hands. I was also afraid that they'd start it up, hear the rattle in the motor and say they couldn't give me the agreed amount for it, but everything went fine, and I got my new car.

I'm currently suffering from a great deal of buyer's remorse. While it was a great deal, and my payments are exactly where I wanted them to be, I'm nervous about how I'll be able to afford the increase in insurance along with that. The better gas mileage will help with that (~8 mpg better than my old car), but it won't cover all of it. Now seems like as good a time as any to really start marketing the tweaker-on-the-go meth kit (described here and pictured here). Also, I'm once again accepting applications from potential sugar mamas.

They raise a paw - 4

It's finals week. Time to find out how many of you have been paying attention for the past few months. It's only one question, so it's all or nothing. Good luck!

Which of the following is the proper way to start a fire in your pants?

a) Raising an empty scotch glass toward the sun in order to concentrate the rays on your crotch
b) Carrying a 9 volt battery in the same pocket as your keys
c) Soaking your clothes in gasoline and walking around with flint and steel in your pockets
d) Having a stripper offer to be your sugar mama*


* I haven't told this story yet, but about two years ago I had a very exotic looking girl in my class. I suspected that she had a thing for me, because she'd always try to press her body up against me when I was showing her and her lab partners things they needed to know. It turned out that she probably just didn't have the same boundaries as most people do. On one of the last days of the semester she told me that she was a dancer at one of the strip clubs in town, that she had won some contest for Miss Las Vegas or something like that so there was a mural of her on the wall of the club that was about two stories high and that I should come check it out. I didn't (I'm guessing that's not a bad way to drum up business though). I did, however, run into her on campus a few months later and we started talking. She told me that she owned two condos in town, and that she drove a BMW. I told her that I thought she should buy me a BMW and she said, "Only if you marry me. I'll be your sugar mama." My response? "Perfect. I happen to be in the market for one of those." 'But Native Minnow, you're still single,' you say? That's because I haven't seen her since. It must have been an empty proposition.

Now accepting applications

My roommate just bought a new Audi A3. He needed help getting both his vehicles back from the dealer, so I got to drive it back to the house.


I'm in love. It is now more important than ever for me to find a sugar mama who will buy me something like this. This car is amazing! You can email me your applications - there is no deadline. The position will remain open until filled.

Now that'd be more like it

While I was hanging out at my brother-in-law's flying service, he took me out and showed me a private jet that belonged to one of his customers. Now, I know you have to have a lot of money in order to own a jet in the first place, but this guy must have had a lot of money. Not only was the jet worth about $6.5 million, but the reason that it was parked out where I was able to take a look at it was because the guy couldn't park it in the hangar because that space was taken up by the 10 Lexus automobiles that he was giving as Christmas gifts. I can't even imagine having enough cash to be able to drop half a million on Christmas.

I meant to talk about this some time ago, but had limited internet access while I was gone for Christmas and didn't think about it until now. It goes along with a post by 'flies without wings,' or more accurately, one of the comments about that blog entry. Specifically that people don't tend to appreciate things as much if they have everything handed to them. I jokingly commented that I would love it if things were handed to me (ok - half jokingly) and that I was in the market for a sugar mama that could do just that.

I'm actually quite proud of the fact that I've made it to where I am today, but I'll be a lot more proud when I actually reach my next milestone (ie: graduate and get a real job). Let's just say that I've worked for a sufficient amount of time that I will still appreciate what I have even if someone comes along and starts handing me everything. Any potential sugar mamas that may be reading out there feel free to contact me.