There's been wasted hours and there's wasted days, I'm gonna waste a few more if I get my way

I hope you all had a good holiday season. I did. I went to Arizona and spent a little over a week with my kids. It's been a year since I was able to get that much time with them. It's not enough, but it'll have to do.

I decided when I left that I'd take a little detour and check out Monument Valley. I've been wanting to check it out ever since my cousin posted some pictures on Facebook, and my friend from Switzerland included it in her trip to the U.S. last summer. Plus I wanted to make my brother jealous that I was going to take some amazing pictures and he wasn't.

I definitely got some good shots, and he was definitely jealous:

You can get closer to the "full experience" if you listen to Blitzen Trapper's album American Goldwing while looking at those, btw. It was the perfect soundtrack.

I was pretty bummed about that last one. I wanted a good photo of the highway leading to the valley, but I approached from the south instead of the north, so I didn't get this until I'd been through the valley already, and the sun was too low. (And by the way, how bad does it suck that 3:30 p.m. is too late in the day to avoid a "sunset" shot?). Whatever. It's still kind of a cool picture, but maybe that will give me the incentive to make it back down there. I didn't see Forrest Gump anywhere. Or Wile E. Coyote. I figured I'd run into at least one of them.

After I left Monument Valley, I was apparently supposed to make a left turn somewhere in or around a town called Mexican Hat, but somehow I missed that and didn't realize it for about 30 miles. Rather than turn around, I just went ahead to Moab. It was the alternate route on my maps app, it only tacked on an extra hour or so, and it's not like I have anything terribly exciting to come home to anyway. I got some good BBQ in Moab, and my waitress was really hot, so it was definitely worth it. (I even left her a note - no, I won't hear from her.)

All in all, it was not a bad way to start off 2012.

Also, I bought a postcard to send my kids, and on the back wrote "Hey Assholes, see what you missed?" I'm a great father.

Shakin' like a dog shittin' razor blades

This morning I baked a cake. For those of you keeping track, that's three cakes in the past ten days. In other words, not enough cake. (Is there ever enough cake?) As I poured the cake batter into the pan, I wanted to find out if any of my kids wanted to eat the rest of it that wouldn't come out of the bowl.

Me: Alright, who wants to lick the . . .

Tortellini: Me!

Mr M: I do. I do. I get the bowl. I get the bowl.

Me: Neither of you let me finish my sentence. As I was saying, who wants to lick the dog's butt? You both do. Ha ha!

Grandma take me home

I have a friend who is renovating his house. He's had a contractor doing most of the work(painting, putting in new carpet, new hardwood floor in the living room, etc.), but wanted to do some of the easier things himself. He's replacing all the light switches, outlet boxes, phone and cable jacks, which is all pretty easy to do, just time consuming, so one of my other friends and I went out to help him for a few hours.

Once we got to a good stopping point he suggested we go out to dinner and then he'd show us around the neighborhood. At dinner, my friend asked if there were any hot MILFs in the neighborhood. He said, well, there's a little bar just around the corner that I'm sure would be full of hot MILFs for you. We'll stop by there after dinner.

We walked in, and he said, "Welcome to the MILF bar."

My other friend and I looked around, and there wasn't a single patron under the age of fifty.

I said, "I'm not sure this is a MILF bar. It's more like a GILF bar, because they're all grandmas. But, the 'L' doesn't really apply, because I wouldn't like to."

He replied, "Well then, perhaps we should call it the GIRNF* bar instead."









*GIRNF - Granny I'd Rather Not Fuck

Cookin' up a Filipino box spring hog

Last Friday, while waiting for a seminar class to start, some friends asked me about my job search:

Friend 1: Have you applied for any jobs recently?

Me: I have, but haven't been successful with any of my applications so far.

Friend 1: The other day I saw a position advertised doing Indo-Pacific research.

Me: Yeah, I saw that too. You're talking about the one in the Philippines, right?

Friend 1: I think that's the one.

Me: I'm thinking about applying for that. It sounds like a cool research project, and I'd be teaching over there too, which would look good on my CV. I'm just not entirely sure I'd want to live abroad for the next three years.

Friend 2: You can't move to the Philippines. How are you going to do that when you've got kids?

Me (jokingly): It wouldn't be that big of a deal. My kids already know I hate them.

Friend 2: Well, if they don't, moving to the opposite end of the earth would certainly get the message across.

Me: At least I'd have a job. There aren't many being advertised here. Plus I could give my kids killer vacations when they came to visit.

Friend 2: But think about the cost of bringing them over there.

Me: Airfare would be expensive for sure, but once they were there I'd only have to feed them bananas and mangoes, so it'd balance out. Besides, if you think about it, I could live like a king on a post-doc's salary over there. Not only that, but I'd also be surrounded by Filipino girls. It'd be just like Heaven.

Friend 2: Except all the girls over there probably get married by the time they're eighteen, so you'd still be out of luck.

Me: Not if I started dating seventeen year olds.


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I happened to mention that I was thinking about applying for this position to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend the other day too.

Her response?

"Oh, wow. If you got a job there I'd move with you."

My response to that?

"Shut up. You would not."

I don't want to shake your father's hand and walk in the sand and act like a man

Yesterday I was talking to one of my friends on the phone. While he was saying something, I spat into the dirt next to the sidewalk.

My friend heard it and said, "I've been reading something called 'Guide To Being A Gentleman' and one of the things it says is that gentlemen do not spit."

"Yeah, but I'm not a gentleman."

"They don't curse either."

"Again . . ."

Do it and do it again

Silentkid: There was a guy there last night who was older than my dad. I looked over at him and should've said, "Hey, what are you doin' here?" There were only like four girls in the whole place.

Me: You should've hit on that one girl.

Silenkid: What one girl? The refreshment girl? The one I was staring at all night?

Me: I don't know. What was she wearing?

Silentkid: Something red, with a little cape.

Me: Yeah, that one.

Silentkid: She was flirting with a gay pirate.

Me: What you should've done was tapped the gay pirate on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I cut in?" and then put it in her butt.

Silentkid: Just like that.

Me: Yup. I wonder how long it'd take you to finish if you're raping someone in public.

Silentkid: That is a good question. I don't know.

Me: There's really only one way to find out.

Baby come and spend some time with Mr. Wrong

It's been a while since I've come up with a good pick up line to pass on to you, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of coming up with them. Take the other night for example when I came up with one that was good enough that my friend called our server over to have me see whether she'd go for it.

She came to our table, and he said, "He's got a line you need to hear, but let me give you the set-up first. A girl walked in a little while ago and she had a nice body, but then I saw her face and it left a lot to be desired. He just came up with a pick up line you can use in those cases. What do you think?"

She said, "Ok, let's hear it."

So I covered my eyes and said, "Baby, I don't even care what you look like, I just want to stick it in."

I implore you to go ahead and try it. Let me know how it works.

I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes

One of my friends is in school to become a nurse. She's beautiful, so basically the kind of nurse every guy wishes he'd get when going to the hospital but never does. She and I have a running joke that she can be my sugar mama when she finishes her degree and gets a job. Last time I talked to her the subject came up again.

Me: Just think, we could move into a house, and you could pay the mortgage and all the utilities.

Her: What would you pay for?

Me: Well, let's see. I could still cover my car payment.

Her: That's not very much.

Me: Maybe I could pay my auto insurance too.

Her: What else?*

Me: I guess I could also pay for condoms. And lube.

Her: Wait, doesn't a little bit of lube go a long way?

Me: That depends.






*She must've been struggling with the concept of what a sugar mama is/does.