If the best is for the best then the best can be damned

Rural Murder and I saw a bumper sticker that read GOD ROCKS when he was in town. Nothing screams 'religion trying desperately to appeal to today's youth' louder than a bumper sticker that reads GOD ROCKS. I'm not saying this to be anti-religion. I'm saying this to be anti-stupid bumper sticker. I don't really get the appeal of bumper stickers anyway, but if you must deface your vehicle with something, go with something cool, not something lame.

Of course, then I got thinking, and if there are people who are willing to put these stupid bumper stickers on their vehicles, then people might be willing to put my stupid bumper stickers on their vehicles. All I have to do is come up with some stupid sayings, put them on a colored background, and voila, another get rich quick scheme.

Rural Murder's suggestion for the first one was:


Sticking with the religious theme, I thought of another one. That one would have read "Jesus Shaves" and would have had a picture of Christ shaving his beard, but that wasn't as original as I thought. I saw that exact idea both on bumper stickers and t-shirts when I googled it. So, I came up with this one instead:


Sure it's lame, but someone's bound to want to put it on their car.

Of course, there are a lot of people in this world who aren't religious, but like to mock religion. For those of you who fit this category and also read this blog, I've got just the bumper sticker for you:


But it doesn't even stop there. No, I've got two more for those who are just tired of looking at some of the stickers that other people put on their cars, and want to make a mockery of that.




Sure I haven't figured out the logistics of sales and marketing, or even how to make a bumper sticker for that matter, but this is bound to make me rich.

What's that you say? Bumper stickers only sell for a dollar or two apiece?
Oh. Nevermind.

I've got the hungries for your love, and I'm standin' in your welfare line

A few years ago, before I moved to Vegas, a couple of the guys I worked with and I came up with the perfect restaurant idea. We never got around to trying to open it, but I suppose it's never too late. We were going to call it The Little Hobo. The only food on the menu was going to be clam chowder (although we were going to call it clam chackle) and baked beans. The only drink would be whiskey. The food would be cooked over an open flame, of course, and served in the can it came in. Normally the customers would be expected to eat everything served to them, since portions would be small, but in the rare event that someone couldn't finish, we would wrap their leftovers in a bandana, and tie it to a stick.

Here's a model:



Our original plan was to have the restaurant in a shack, but I like the boxcar idea better. I think we should still see about opening up for business.

Did I ask too much? More than a lot.

I'm introducing a new rule: From this point forward, people can only advertise any change from normal for six months, after which they will have to draw upon something else to gain business. I'm saying this because yesterday I bought a 3 Musketeers bar, and one end of the label advertised "45% less fat" in big red lettering. Now, I'm pretty sure they've been advertising that they have 45% less fat for about ten years now. Am I to believe that each time I see a 3 Musketeers bar there is 45% less fat in that one than the last one I saw? Has the amount of fat in a 3 Musketeers bar been steadily decreasing* for the past decade? No! It's time for them to come up with something new. If they can't do that, then maybe their product isn't all that great and they should take it off the market.

This rule applies to all the bars/restaurants in the Las Vegas area as well. You see, around here you'll see banners that read "Voted Best of Las Vegas" almost everywhere you go. Any businesses that have received the "award" place a banner somewhere to advertise that fact. However, there is never any mention of the year in which the "award" was given. Moreover, if you pay attention, almost every single bar and restaurant has such a banner. How is that possible? Is every business in town the best? I'm certain that some of them could only have received the award a decade or so ago**, like maybe when they were brand new, or when there were no competitors. At all. Yet here they still are, trying to capitalize on their one brief moment of glory. I'm sorry, but if you haven't been able to regain the title of "Best in Las Vegas" for the past ten years, you no longer get to advertise that you were voted "Best in Las Vegas." Period.

This new rule is effective immediately. Those who are found in non-compliance will be forced to pay a fine of $1000, which can be deposited directly into my bank account. Thank you in advance.




* like some kind of fatty half-life?
** or maybe even before there was a city here.

America, Fuck Yeah

Every time I see a strip mall I can name you the stores that will be found there: Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Bed Bath and Beyond, Pier 1 Imports, Best Buy, Circuit City, etc. It doesn't even matter what city it's in - Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Portland, it's all the same. A friend of mine refers to it as Generica.

It became really apparent to me while I was in Phoenix. Normally while I'm on the road, I try to eat at places with a bit of a local flavor. I can get the chains at home, I want something unique to the area. The problem was that it got hard to find enough places like that over the course of a week. I've commented on this before, but big corporations are taking over the world.

I was talking to a girl from Germany while I was in Phoenix, and she said that it's not just like that here, it's worldwide. She said that her hometown in Germany wasn't too bad, there was only one McDonald's there, but that when she went to Mexico it was as though she hadn't even left the United States. I think it's sad in a lot of ways. A lot of the local merchants have been put out of business, and the local flavor has gone away with them. I try to do my part by buying CDs from record stores instead of places like Best Buy, and shopping at different places for things, but I'm not as good about it as I should be. Sometimes it's too hard to avoid the chains. Pretty soon, there's not likely to be any other choice.

The crazy thing is the amounts of money that these corporations are taking in. My brother-in-law told me that Exxon-Mobile's profits last year were somewhere around $35 billion. "Think about it" he said, "There's something like 400 million people in the U. S., right? That means they could give everyone in the U. S. a million dollars, and still have 34 and a half billion dollars in profit."

Sounds like a good idea to me. How about it Exxon?

Arches Academy

I was driving to visit my kids over the weekend when the thermostat on my car went out. Luckily, I was only about 10 miles from my brother's house so I had a place to stay, and there was a mechanic who was able to replace it for me first thing in the morning and send me on my way.

Normally I skip breakfast, but my brother wanted to grab a bite while we were running around trying to find someone who could fix the car. We stopped for breakfast at McDonald's (of all places). As we were waiting in line to order our extremely healthy food, one of the guys taking orders started getting on my nerves. Every time he would finish taking an order he would look up and say "I can help who'sever next." This isn't the first time I've heard this called out, and it annoys me every time I hear it. It's called English people, learn to speak it (granted, it was McDonald's, but no, he wasn't an immigrant).

Speaking of toenails . . .

I have big feet. They're too big, yet not big enough. Let me explain what I mean by that.

Since my tax return is burning a hole in my pocket, I thought I'd start off by getting a new pair of hiking boots, so yesterday I went to REI to have a look around. I found a pair that I really liked and asked the salesman to bring me a size 12.5 to try on. He came out with a size 12 and a size 13 because the company doesn't make those shoes in size 12.5. I tried on the 12s, and they were much too small, then I tried the 13s on and they were big enough to cause blisters if I were to actually hike in them.

Do you mean to tell me that I'm the only person in the world who requires a 12.5 sized shoe? I hardly think that could be the case, so why on earth would a shoe company do half sizes right up to size 12, and then just have full size increases from that point up? I find this extremely annoying. I've never had this problem until the past two years or so. I think the shoe companies are out to get me. I thought about going around barefoot to boycott, but I have a broken piece of glass (or something) in my foot that's been there almost a week, yet I can't find it to get it out. That seems to indicate that transforming myself into Shoeless Native Minnow might not be the best idea.

The taxman cometh

I normally prepare my own taxes, and after my experience at H & R Block this week, I remember why. I don't know if there's a bigger rip off than paying someone to use the same computer program you can find online to prepare your taxes.

A couple of weeks ago I prepared my taxes, but had a few things this year that I wasn't quite sure how to deal with. This is the first year that I'm filing since our divorce was finalized, and I had a few questions about claiming my daughter since she doesn't live with me. It's in our divorce decree that I claim her, so I knew I could do it, but I didn't know if that would allow me to qualify for the earned income credit as well. The second thing was that I received a lump sum permanent partial disability payment for my back injury. I knew that it was not taxable, but figured that the IRS would need to be made aware of it in some way, I just couldn't find anywhere to enter it on the worksheet. So I called an H & R Block office and asked them about these things. They told me that I didn't qualify for the earned income credit, but that I would have to report settlement so I should come in for an appointment. I scheduled one for 2:45 the next day.

I gathered up my forms, and as soon as I finished teaching my lab, headed over there for my appointment. I got there about 5 minutes early, and the waiting area seemed pretty full to me. There was only one woman working, and I figured that these people were walk-ins who were just waiting for an opening. It turns out that most of them were, not that it stopped the H & R Block employee from taking them first.

Eventually another woman came in and started helping people. There was some bickering between the two employees about how it could have gotten so backed up, why the first one hadn't called anyone for help, etc. I heard them taking shots at each other by saying things like "I'm sorry about that - she should have called me and then you wouldn't have had to wait so long" and "she's not very good about coming in anyway" to the clients they were working with. I don't think they heard each other, but it certainly was not very professional. Then to top it all off, their computers quit working for a little while.

I didn't get my turn until 4:30. That's right. I sat in that stupid waiting area for almost two hours even though I had an appointment. As if that wasn't bad enough, I found out that I didn't have to report my settlement check, and the return they filled out was identical to the one I had already prepared on my own. It just cost an extra $100 to have them do it for me.

The lesson? I'm not as dumb as I think I am, and I should start realizing that.

Not So Long Ago, In a Galaxy Not So Far Away

First K-Mart fell, and I just saw on the news the other day that Toys R Us is going to start closing down stores. I'm not up to speed in the business world or anything, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's most likely because those stores could no longer compete with Wal-Mart.

Then yesterday I came across an article on msn stating how Wal-Mart is taking over the world. It seems that the spread of this corporate giant is unstoppable (except maybe the new rulings that they have to provide employees with better benefits, actually give them lunch breaks or pay them for missed ones). I wonder how much longer until Wal-Mart controls everything and becomes an 'evil empire' complete with its own Death Star.

I should probably stop shopping there, but it's just so damn convenient.