Hush hush we both can't fight it

Last weekend I met a girl* at a concert. We were talking about something between the opening band and the headliners, and I said something that my friend misheard.

He turned around and asked, "Did you just ask her to touch your dick?"

Before I could answer, she told him, "Yeah, as a matter of fact I was just getting ready to touch his dick when you turned around. You ruined the moment, cockblocker."

He looked mildly offended at being called that, and said, "Are you kidding? I'd never cockblock this guy. If there's one person in this world who needs his cock touched, it's this guy."

Thanks dude.








*Not one that I was interested in by any means, but still.

Time to sit back and unwind

One of my friends who recently moved away came back to town this weekend. Of course you know what that means: Pool party!

We all met up at one friend's house, then went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. While there, they decided they needed to make rum drinks, so we ventured into the liquor section.

My friends were discussing what they wanted to make when a guy came into the aisle and asked us, "Where's the cheap shit?"

We looked at each other, then shrugged.

Fortunately for him, he didn't need our help. He found a large, plastic bottle of vodka that cost $9.

He grabbed it, looked at me, and said, "There ya' go. Throw some cranberry in that bitch and you straight all day."

I would not want to be his head this morning.

So come along and play my game, you'll never be the same

This week I had to cover a friend's lab because she couldn't be there. It happens to be the week of a short field trip where we visit a place about thirty minutes away from campus. We shuttle students out there in twelve passenger vans. As I pulled out of the parking lot with a van full of students, I went over a speed bump too fast, and bounced the students in the back seat around a little.

Me: Sorry.

Student: What? You're not used to driving a big van like this?

Me: Not like this. The van I drive doesn't have any windows.

Student: Or passengers?

Me: Exactly. And I usually drive a lot slower as I'm patrolling neighborhoods looking for kids to offer free candy to.

Student: . . .

It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you with no place to go

Friday night I was out with friends, and the place we were at was packed. One of my friends pointed out a girl at the table next to us because she wanted my opinion on whether the girl was attractive. She was. Later in the evening, that girl tried making her way to the bathroom, but there were people in her way. One of them accidentally bumped her and she got a disgusted look on her face and threw her hands up in the air.

I thought her reaction was a little over the top. After all, you're going to get bumped when you're trying to make your way through dancing people in a crowded place. Apparently my friend agreed with me because she leaned over and said, "She's not THAT hot. Someone should tell her."

This door swings both ways

Girl: Are you teaching any classes other than this in the near future?

Me: Probably not.

Girl: That's too bad. Your lectures are good.

Me: How would you know?

Girl: I took your class last summer.

Me: You did? Why don't I remember you?

Girl: I don't know. I sat by [Girl 1] and [Girl 2]. I always sat on the left.

Me: I remember both of them. But I don't remember you. You must've been quiet.

Girl: Of course I was quiet. It's not like I'm going to interrupt lecture.

Me: Well, a lot of times people come up before or after and ask me things. You never asked me any questions.

Girl: I never had any.

Me: Well, that's probably why I don't remember you*.

Girl: That's okay. I forgot your name.








*Which is really weird, because she's hot.

You can find me in da club

While walking to the car last night:

Homeless Guy: Excuse me, but could you spare a couple of dollars? Some change? Even fifty cents would help.

Drunk Girl I Was With: Oh, I looooooove 50 Cent.

Homeless Guy: [Muttering something about 50 Cent]

Drunk Girl: ♪ Go, go, go, go. ♩

Homeless Guy: [still muttering]

Drunk Girl: ♫ Go shorty, it's your birthday. We gonna party like it's your birthday ♬

Homeless Guy: [walks away, shaking his head]