I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna' die alone and sad

I might be a little biased here, but I think this might be the greatest story ever told:

Box full of letters - 7

Dear Smart Car Drivers,

I admire what you're doing for the planet by driving cars that get a godzillion miles to the gallon. That said, I'd like to offer you a word of advice: You should refrain from getting a vanity plate* that makes it seem as though you're trying to look tough.



You're driving a smart car. You're not tough. It's okay that you're not tough, but you're not. Your vanity plate should read something like TRE HGR or something instead.

Much love,

Native Minnow







*If, however, this plate isn't about looking tough, but is referring to your favorite activity**, then please disregard this.

**But that's pretty gay if that's the case.

The hunger of addiction calls

A few things you should never do for a Klondike bar:

- Get "Klondike" tattooed across your face.

- Punch a toddler and steal his/hers.

- Sell one of your kidneys on the black market.

- Mug a clown.

- Steal from the collection plate at church.

- Short your pimp.

- Your grandmother.

You don't even know what it means to take your own advice

Today one of my friends called to tell me that she was breaking up with her boyfriend. It'd been a while since we last talked, so after she'd told me all about it, she asked me about any updates regarding Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend.

Me: I took her out to dinner last weekend, and we had a really good talk. She's called me every day since then, and she wants to do something tomorrow night. She's also asked me to have lunch with her tomorrow and the day after. Of course I said yes to all of those things, but I'm not sure I should have.

Her: Oh stop it. Just go out tomorrow night and have fun with her. Do you want my advice?

Me: Sure.

Her: I think you should invite her to spend the night at your place, wait until she falls asleep, and then rape her.



I think it's time to stop taking advice from my friends.

I am trying to break your heart

[And now, once again, it's time for some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be dispensing relationship advice.]


Things not to say to your significant other*:

- I'm sorry. I wanted so much more, but instead I settled for you.
- I've never, not once, found you attractive.
- Your voice grates on my nerves.
- I'm only with you because I felt sorry for you.
- What do I see in her? Well, for starters, she's pretty.
- Go ahead, do it, and I'll break your fucking head open.








*Unless you want the relationship to end right then.