Dead I am the one, exterminating son

Mr M is obsessed with surviving the zombie apocalypse. One of the first things he asked me when I got to their house over Thanksgiving was, "Dad, what three weapons would you want for the zombie apocalypse?"

I told him I'd want a shotgun, a machete, and a flame thrower. I'm pretty sure I could last a while with that.

Togers told me that when he was in the hospital, Mr M saw one of those rolling beds. He was fascinated by it, and went up to the doctor and said, "That would be perfect for the zombie apocalypse. You could just fill that bottom rack up with dynamite, then roll it down a hill and blow up a bunch of zombies."

He's nine. The doctor probably thinks he's a psycho. The next ten years or so are bound to be interesting with that kid.

But, now that I'm aware of his new obsession, he ought to be happy with the two shirts I bought him for Christmas from Threadless.com

The End Of The Road:

The Horde:

Half a canyon

Yesterday I had the following conversation with a friend:

Friend: It's free to go to national parks this weekend.

Me: Why is that?

Friend: They waived the entrance fees for Martin Luther King Day.

Me: But, that wasn't part of his dream.

Friend: No, it was. They just shot him before he could say it.


That conversation reminded me that I meant to blog about my last trip to a national park, which only lasted for about thirty minutes.

I left my parents' house the day before New Year's Eve to take my kids home after having them for Christmas. We decided on the way up that, weather permitting, we'd take the slightly longer way back to Arizona and stop at the Grand Canyon. I'll let you be the judge if the weather was really cooperating with us. Here are a few pictures of the roads we drove on for the first five hours or so of the trip:









They got slightly better after that, but only for a short time until we got caught in the second wave of the storm system for another hour or so.

We did make it to the Grand Canyon though. When we got there it was freeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). It was seventeen degrees, with a heavy wind blowing. The park ranger at the gate acted like we were crazy for trying to visit the park on such a crappy day. I told him we just wanted to go to an overlook real quick, see the canyon, then continue on our way. He said that was good, and to go to the first overlook, because that was the only one we'd be able to see anything from anyway.

He was right. I took this picture a couple hundred yards from the overlook. You can't even see the canyon yet.



My kids are geniuses and only had sweatshirts on, so they were freezing, but I still made them "pose" for this picture:



Obviously not the best picture I've ever taken of them, but it really was too cold for me to feel good about asking them to stand there long enough for me to take a second one. (You know, one without my shadow obscuring their faces, and without wind blowing Tortellini's hair every which way.) Immediately after I snapped that shot they ran to warm up in the gift shop that was nearby, at the base of a watchtower:



I stayed out for a few minutes longer to see if I could take some better pictures.

(I couldn't really.)





(What's so "grand" about it anyway?)

I'm glad we went, even if it was the shortest trip I've ever had to a national park. Next time though, I'm definitely going when it's warmer.

Shakin' like a dog shittin' razor blades

This morning I baked a cake. For those of you keeping track, that's three cakes in the past ten days. In other words, not enough cake. (Is there ever enough cake?) As I poured the cake batter into the pan, I wanted to find out if any of my kids wanted to eat the rest of it that wouldn't come out of the bowl.

Me: Alright, who wants to lick the . . .

Tortellini: Me!

Mr M: I do. I do. I get the bowl. I get the bowl.

Me: Neither of you let me finish my sentence. As I was saying, who wants to lick the dog's butt? You both do. Ha ha!

Hola, my good friend

A few weeks ago, my friends and I got some free sombreros while we were out on a Friday night. Mine has been in my car ever since.

Even this weekend, with the trunk full of bags for our weekend trip to my sister's wedding, the sombrero has stayed in the car. Togers was going to wear it to the wedding reception, but forgot.

Yesterday, on our way to my parents' house, Tortellini put it on.



She joked, "If I wore this in Arizona, we'd get pulled over."

Not only that, she'd probably also be deported since she has no form of identification yet.

The greatest love is always ruined by the bickering

I have my kids for a couple of weeks. It's a constant source of entertainment for me, and therefore, for you too. The other night we went to In-N-Out for dinner, and while we were there, Mr M said something you wouldn't expect a kid his age to understand (I don't remember what it was - but earlier he proved to be the only one of my kids that knew it was a meteor that caused the mass extinction of the dinosaurs).

Tortellini: [Mr M] is really smart. He's probably the smartest of all us kids.

Me: Maybe. What do you think? Who's the smartest kid?

Mr M: Dad is.

Me: I'm not a kid. Who do you think is the smartest of you three?

Mr M: Hmmm. [Tortellini].

Tortellini: I knew it! I knew he'd say me because he hates [Togers].

Mr M: I hate [Tortellini] too, but I hate [Togers] more.

The next day we all went to get haircuts. While Tortellini was in the chair, Togers said something that made Mr M laugh.

Me: Is your brother funny?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: But I thought you hated him.

Mr M: I do! But he's still funny.

Celebrate good times, come on!

Yesterday was Togers' birthday. My ex-wife said she asked Mr M in the morning if he'd wished Togers a happy birthday. Mr M said that he hadn't, because he "wasn't celebrating [Togers'] birthday."

Later, when it was time for cake and ice cream, Mr M insisted that he didn't want any cake, just ice cream. I asked him about it this morning. He didn't want any cake, because that would've been celebrating Togers birthday.

So if you were ever wondering where to draw the line between celebrating something and not celebrating, it's this:

Cake and ice cream = celebrating

Just ice cream = not celebrating

You're welcome!

Better late than never

I spent Easter in Arizona with my kids. The weekend started off fine, and even though it ended on a sour note, with me putting myself as a candidate for the worst father ever, it was still nice to see them. It'd been far too long.

We dyed eggs, and Tortellini and Togers hid them in the back yard so that Mr M could go on an Easter egg hunt.

I only had one contribution to the egg hiding, and that was trying to use camouflage to hide this one in the pool.


Tortellini thought it would be fun to draw various things on some of the eggs she colored. They turned out pretty cool. She's creative, that one.






But my favorite egg might have been the one my ex's boyfriend made.


Togers didn't draw on any of his because I told him not to draw a pentagram on an Easter egg.

Mr M got tired of searching for them rather quickly, but persevered and found them all anyway. What a good sport.

And I believe there's a way to describe the silence as sound

Today I accidentally hit the 'notes' button on my ipod touch, and saw a few notes my kids wrote while we were en route to my grandmother's funeral in December.

Like this one from Tortellini:

Hi Dad you suck. Just saying. I hope you never get this because you're such a butt face. And I can't believe I have to sit here next to you on this ten hour road trip. You suck, you suck, you suck. Even [Togers] and [Mr M] think so but they won't say anything because they're too chicken. Also, they don't have the itouch. Because I am cool so I get to choose the music. And you're not cool, because you're a loser. And now we're listening to "Know Your Enemy" by Rage Against The Machine. Do you want to know why I chose this song? Because I know my enemy, and it's you. So shut up. Oh yeah, and the real reason [Mr M] has to pee every ten minutes is because I'm giving him super pee drinks. Bye.

And this one from Togers:

Hi Dad, it's [Togers]. I just thought I'd let you know that you are a butt. Not a butthead, a butt, because butts don't have heads. And just by the way, you aren't fooling anyone, we all know that you are a dinosaur. If I had a dog that was as ugly as you I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards. So shut up you buttface. Go poop your pants or something.

But this one was my favorite:

RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bahahaha I know I scared you ;)

I miss my little brats.

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

One more funeral related post, then I'll quit. I swear.

There's obviously been a lot of funeral talk this past week. Here's what my kids have said they want to have happen when they die.

Tortellini: I want to be cremated and then have my ashes put into somebody's mailbox.

Togers: I want to be cremated and then have my ashes thrown at someone I hate*.

Mr M: I want you to take my body and throw it off a cliff, because that would be an easier way to bury me. And I don't want my funeral to be fun like Grandma Great's was with food and everything. I just want there to be a whole bunch of dead chickens, and everyone has to eat them raw.

So there you have it. With any luck, I won't still be around when they go and someone else will have to carry out their wishes.








*I asked Togers who he was going to find that would be willing to throw his ashes at someone, and Mr M immediately raised his hand and said, "I'll do it."

Over the river and through the woods

As some of you know, I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with my kids, my ex-wife, and her boyfriend. You might think that would be a recipe for a plethora of awkward moments (I know I thought that's how it would all go down), but it was rather nice. Aside from the fact that I didn't get to see my parents or siblings, and knowing that some of them probably got to eat MY banana cream pie, it was a rather enjoyable weekend.

We had Thanksgiving dinner at an old high school friend's house. I hadn't seen her in over ten years, so I thought that might be a little strange too, but it was fine. Her husband was super nice, and her kids had a good time with mine. At least I think they did.

Friday we decided to venture out of the house to get some lunch and do some shopping. Since he apparently didn't get enough to eat the day before, Togers decided to take on a one pound hamburger in an attempt to gain fame and notoriety by having his picture on the wall along with the other fatties. I documented the event.

A daunting task ahead:


But he didn't shy away:


Almost there, but looking a little like he wants to vomit:


Finished (and he didn't even puke):


Posing for his picture to go on the wall:


Couple that with the fact that I was able to get a little bit of Christmas shopping done, I'd say Black Friday was a success.

All except for when we let the kids talk us into going into a pet store. There were certainly some cute little puppies. Like this one:



We ran into trouble when we had to explain to Mr M that he couldn't get one. Especially not for the $3000 price tag. Here's the tail end of his reaction to that news:

Take the ride as far as anyone can go

Well hello there. Did you miss me? Thought so. If you're curious, here's what I've been up to while I've been neglecting my blog:

- Took my kids to Slide Rock State Park in Sedona.





- Started a new job, teaching part time at a small college here in town.

- Saw Cracker play at Wasted Space at the Hard Rock. Good concert. They played for two straight hours. And that's not even counting the opening band, which was . . . one of the members of Cracker.

- Defended my dissertation. And passed. But you already knew that.

- Spent a few days biking in the mountains of Utah, and spent the evenings soaking in a hot tub on the deck of the cabin. There were some beautiful fall colors.






- Visited my grandparents.

- Had a paper accepted into a good scientific journal with minor revisions.

- Went flyfishing.

What gives this mess some grace unless it's kicks, man

Over the weekend my kids and I went on a short drive to the Colorado River.



At first we just hung out along the shore.



However, it was a hot day, so we all decided to go in and cool off. It worked. The water was freezing* cold. It was refreshing though.



Togers and I decided to go for a swim. We turned around when the current started pushing him downstream, and the water was too deep for him to touch the bottom.

After getting him back to shore, I decided to see how far out I could go. My kids said I swam about halfway across the river. I think it was closer to a third of the way. I stopped and turned around when I realized how strong the current really was.

I could hear Mr M yelling something to me from the shore, but I couldn't hear what. As I swam back, I could make out that he was calling for me to come back. When I got to the bank, he ran out and gave me a big hug.

Me: What's wrong? Did you think something was going to happen to me?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: I wasn't going to drown. You know that, right?

Mr M: I know.

Me: So what did you think might happen?

Mr M: I thought a whole bunch of ducks were going to come peck out your eyes.



Lucky for me, they didn't. I'm sure they were contemplating it though, in their little duck minds. Fucking ducks.








*Ok, so maybe not freezing**

**But I'm a long way away from the guy who used to wet wade in fifty-five degree water on the Green River. It seems as though I've had to trade in my cold tolerance to be able to survive a summer in the Mojave desert.

There's always someone out there cooler than you

Yesterday was Tortellini's birthday. Her mom took care of the cake (although my roommate's son bailed her out on the frosting job):



I took care of getting her what struck me as the shirt that was created specifically with her in mind:



(If you can't tell what's going on, go check it out at threadless.)

I fixed lunch for everybody, and then we all went to the pool. While we were there, I had this exchange with Mr M:

Mr M: Dad, Tortellini is cool.

Me: Who is more cool, Tortellini or you?

Mr M: Um. Me.

Me: How about Tortellini or Togers?

Mr M: Tortellini.

Me: Who's cooler out of me and Togers?

Mr M: Togers.

Me: Me and Tortellini?

Mr M: Tortellini.

Me: How about me or your mom?

Mr M: You.

Ex: What*?!? How can that be?

Mr M (very matter of factly): Mom. You don't have a X-Box.








*This is about a hundred times funnier if you know exactly how fiercely loyal Mr M is to his mother. He got mad at me and the guy who cuts my hair because we said he could do a better job cutting Mr M's hair than his mom could do. He wouldn't talk to either of us for about ten minutes. He doesn't think jokes about her are funny, even if she laughs at them. It's good to know that an X-Box overrides all of that.

Seal up the book until the time of the end

I'm trying to convince Mr M that he needs to learn how to read, but he's not buying any of it.

Me: Why don't you want to learn how to read?

Mr M: It's boring. You just sit there and don't do anything.

Me: But it doesn't have to be boring. You just have to read about things you like.

Mr M: I don't like anything.

Me: You like monsters don't you?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: Well, why don't you try to read books about monsters?

Mr M: Because, you can't ever tell if they have monsters in them or not.


Another time:

Mr M: I like Spiderman.

Me: I know you do. You know, there are books about Spiderman. Would you like to read something like that?

Mr M: No. I just like to look at pictures.



Today I was driving with my kids, and I started trying to convince him that he was very close to being able to read. He can sound out all the letters, he just struggles trying to put them all together. Then Togers decided to jump into the conversation.

Togers: The word is antiestablishmentarianism. Get it right next time!

Maybe I've found the root of the problem.

La plus jeune avait l'pied léger

Friday night I watched 'Son of Rambow' with my kids. It didn't live up to its hype, but the kids liked it. One of the sub-plots of the movie involves a French exchange student. The first time this kid showed up on screen elicited this response from Mr M.

Mr M: That is so cool. I want to dress like that kid when I'm older.

That kid:





I've always told my kids I'd love them the same whether they're gay or straight. Mr M might be trying to find out if I mean it.

That's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning

There are worse ways to spend a Sunday than this: