This will turn into something else, something else, and when it does I'll be somewhere else, somewhere else

I've mentioned before about how I get stage fright when it comes time to pee in a crowded public bathroom. I'm fine as long as I can start my stream before anyone stands next to me, but if someone's standing there before I start, forget about it.

Last night I went with a friend to watch the Men's NCAA championship game. Around halftime, I needed to use the restroom. I walked in, and to my relief, there was nobody else around. So, I unzipped and began to pee. Within about five seconds of this happening, the entire bathroom filled with men. I'm not even exaggerating in the slightest. Luckily I'd already started, so it wasn't an issue. Otherwise, I never would've been able to relieve my bladder.

The bathroom was so full, that somebody walked in and shouted, "Wow, it's a cock party in here."

That's one type of party I hope to never have to experience again.

Call it education it was somewhere in between

Thursday night. Last lab of the day. Most of the students are gone, but the diligent ones are making sure they've seen everything. As they're nearing the end of it, one group starts talking about going out for drinks afterward since apparently nobody has classes on Friday anymore.

Student 1: [Minnow] do you want to come out with us tonight?

Me: No.

Student 1: Why?

Me: For one, you're my students. But even if you weren't, I need to get up early tomorrow so I'm going to go home and go to bed.

Student 2 (who earlier had been talking about how he'd been dumped by his girlfriend of five years: Are there going to be women where you're going tonight?

Student 3: Why are you asking that? You of all people should know that women are nothing but trouble anyway.

Student 2: That's true.

Student 4: I know. We really are trouble. I don't even know what you guys see in us.

Student 1: I know what we see in you.

Student 4: There is that.

Student 2: No, I don't need that. I can take care of that myself.

Me: Alrighty then. How about we change to a new subject?

Student 5 (pointing to her lab manual): Yes, let's change the subject. So, getting back to lab stuff, I was wondering if you could help me answer this question.

[The Question: Most ferns are monoecious, having antheridia and archegonia on the same gametophyte. How might a plant like this avoid self fertilization?]

Me: I thought we were going to change the subject.

Your menstruating heart

Yesterday in lab after I answered some questions for a group of students:

Student 1: My uncle's a doctor, which is kind of weird, because he says to come see him for my check-ups, but he's a gynecologist.

Student 2: Really? I need him to give me some pills.

Student 1: Do you have any idea how bad that sounded?

Student 2: Not like that. I just need some birth control. Right now I'm on the shot, but my flow is really heavy.

Me: Something tells me that I don't need to be here for this conversation.

Student 2: I'm serious. Don't ever get a depo prevera shot.

Me (walking away): I promise you I won't.

What's the name of this song? Explosivo!

I was reminded of this story last night, and even though it's not my story to tell, I'm going to tell it anyway. I have no shame, and since names are left out, I don't feel bad about telling embarrassing stories about various people I know.

A few years ago, a guy left town to spend the holidays with his girlfriend's family. They spent the night at her brother's house, and apparently something he had eaten that day didn't agree with him. He awoke in the middle of the night with a gurgling in his stomach, and he knew it was time to go to the bathroom. So, he hurried and sat on the toilet just in time for the diarrhea to hit. He sat there until he was sure he was finished, and got up to start washing his hands when suddenly he felt the urge to vomit. So he hit his knees and hugged the toilet bowl. Unfortunately for him, the act of vomiting contracted his core muscles in such a way that we squirted more diarrhea all over the bathroom wall and the back of his legs.

He did his best to clean up the floor and wall, then jumped into the shower. While showering he had another spurt from the back end and sprayed the shower tiles. Luckily, that just washed on down the drain. He eventually got everything cleaned up and crawled back into bed. Before going back to sleep he mentioned to his girlfriend that they may need to check again in the morning to make sure he got everything.

I now greet this guy with a two handed salute that points out from the mouth with one hand, and the butt with the other hand. To many it probably looks like some juvenile variation of Saturday Night Fever, but anyone who knows the story realizes it's to symbolize the bidirectional fountain that was him on that night.

Now you know where I came up with one of my rules to live by: Always choose to clean up vomit over cleaning up diarrhea if you're forced to make such a decision.

You say, I like what you say, I like what you say

I'm taking a page out of the Book of Troll for today's post. I need to poll you guys in order to see what the general consensus is on three very important questions.

1) What is the proper etiquette when you're sitting in a public restroom stall, taking a dump, and someone else walks in?
a) It makes no difference. You go ahead and finish, wipe, and leave the stall to wash your hands.
b) You pause, and wait for them to leave the restroom before dropping the rest of the kids off at the pool.
c) You make as much noise as possible, grunting and farting loudly, in an attempt to scare them off.
d) You finish, and wipe, but wait until they leave before exiting the stall.
e) It depends on how far along you are in the dumpage when they walk in.


2) Is it possible to be Jewish and a Quaker?
a) Yes
b) No
c) It depends


3) Let's say that hypothetically you'd let your laundry pile up long enough that you had no more clean underwear. Do you
a) put off going about your day until you've done some laundry?
b) put on a pair of dirty underwear and go about your day?
c) go commando long enough to run to the store and buy some more underwear?
d) go commando for the entire day, but make sure to do laundry when you get home?
e) go commando for the rest of your life, because who wears underwear anyway?


Your input is greatly appreciated.

No phone no phone I just want to be alone today

One of my rules in life is that I don't answer my cell phone if it rings while I'm in the bathroom. Frankly, I don't see how any call* is important enough that I have to pick up if I'm taking a leak (or a dump). I figure that if someone's calling me, they'll be close to their phone in another two minutes when I'm finished up and I can call back then.

Yesterday a friend called while I was taking a leak. I called him back when I left the bathroom.

Him: Hello?

Me: Sorry, I couldn't pick up because I had my wiener in my hand.

Him: . . .







*There are two exceptions to this rule: I pick up if Dr. Psycho or Silent Kid call. I do it then just so I can tell them and get a reaction. They should feel special.

Sheep Go To Heaven, Goats Go To Hell

A few weeks ago one of my friends and I drove to a nearby concert venue to pick up some tickets. Once we got the tickets, she asked if I'd mind driving her somewhere else before going back to campus.

Her: Would you mind taking me to [cross streets].

Me: That's fine. What do you need to go there for?

Her: I'll tell you when we get there. Otherwise you won't take me.

Me: Do you have an OB/GYN appointment?

Her: No. You'll see when we get there.


A few minutes later I pulled into the parking lot.

Me: Oh, it's that knitting store over there, isn't it?

Her: Yes.

Me (laughing hysterically): Seriously? Woolly Wonders?

Her: Is that you?

Me: No. It's trimmed, so it's really not that woolly.

Her: Or that wondrous?

Happy hours, golden showers

Yesterday the power went out and our side of campus was affected. Luckily, the back up generator kicked on and all the necessary equipment was still powered, as were the emergency lights in the halls. However, it was still quite dark. As I walked through a dimly lit hallway, one of the post-docs saw me and asked, "What did you do?"

"I flexed."

As luck would have it, I really needed to pee, but apparently bathrooms are not considered to be emergency areas. It was pitch black with a sign on the door saying the bathroom was out of order. I ignored the sign and went in anyway. The door was propped open, so a little bit of light came in from the hallway, which was nice, but presented me with a problem. Should I pee in a urinal I could see, knowing full well that anyone could see me from the hallway? Or should I pee in a urinal I couldn't see, knowing that I'd be safely out of view, but would also be running the risk of missing the urinal?

I suppose now would be an appropriate (?) time to let you in on a little secret. I have stage fright. I'm unable to pee if there is someone standing near me. I don't know why this is, but I blame one of my brother's old college roommates (the red-headed guy in this story). I figured my stage fright might manifest itself in this situation, knowing the door behind me was open might prevent me from accomplishing the task at hand, so I opted for peeing in the dark.

You'll be happy to know that I emerged from the darkened bathroom with dry feet.

Hey Pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me?

Friend: You've got to get a rear suspension bike. It's so much better.

Me: I'd like one, but can't afford it right now.

Friend: It makes such a big difference when you're riding though. You'd go down parts of the trail that you don't dare do now without even thinking twice about it.

Me: I don't know about that, but I'm sure it makes a difference.

Friend: Seriously, it's like the difference between getting your first hand job and getting your first blow job.



I have got to get myself a rear suspension bike.

Coddle some men they'll remember you bitterly

Last night at my friend's going away party:

Her Gay Roommate (Male): See? That's why I'm single. Relationships are too messed up.

Her Straight Guy Friend: Same here. I don't have a girlfriend because they're such a pain in the ass.

Gay Roommate: Boyfriends are too. Literally.

What's the name of the song? Explosivo!

Today I was in the bathroom, standing at the urinal, when a man with a reputation for 'fecal explosions' walked in. By that I mean that he has been rumored to spray the back walls of various bathrooms. Enough so that nobody wants to share a room with him when they're traveling together. Some of the people who've been forced to share a room with him are the ones I've heard the stories from.

As I stood there and finished draining my bladder, there was a part of me that wanted to stick around for a few more minutes, just to find out if the stories were true. Then the old adage "curiosity killed the cat" came to mind and I fled the premises.

I'm certain that I made the right decision.