Gonna take a trip to Laredo, gonna take a dip in the lake, oh I'm at a crossroads with myself, I don't got no one else

Oh, HI THERE.  You thought I'd died, didn't you?  I didn't die, I just moved to Iowa, so I only WANT to die (because it's so flat here and there's never anything to look at on the horizon).  Don't feel too bad for me though, I'm running away to Mexico for half the winter.  Leaving on Friday.  Already have my envelope of pesos filled up and ready to go.  I can't wait.

That's all.  I'm sure there are other things you'd like to know, but it'll have to wait.  Adios, Bitchachos!

The fat cats have a heart attack

Me: Would you stop doing that? You are ridiculous.

Niece: So are you!

Me: I know.

Niece: And you're single.

Me: I know.

Son: And you're fat.

Me: I know.

So please don't talk of love 'cause I don't have any

Me:  Ugh.  I can't even handle my life right now.

Niece 1:  Why?  Because you're Forever Alone Guy and you're never going to find a girlfriend?

Me:  Yeah.  Thanks for reminding me.

Niece 1:  It's ok.  If I don't ever get married you can make fun of me too.

Niece 2:  He'll probably be dead by then.

I'm just a kid who gets his drinks from you and stands around and doesn't have a clue

Last Friday I dropped Togers off at his mom's (he's living with me now, by the way) and went to meet up with a friend for dinner.  There was a new bar that had opened up near his house that he wanted to check out, so we went there.  It was alright.

I ordered some food, and the bartender asked if I just wanted to start a tab.  I told her yeah, and that she could go ahead and put my friend's drinks on it as well.

He asked, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yeah, just as long as you put out later."

After I finished my food, I saw that they actually had s'mores on the menu, so I had to get that for dessert.  She said that the banana nutella s'mores were her favorite, and that earlier in the day she'd been back in the kitchen licking every last bit off a plate.  When she brought it out I told her she could have some, so she dipped her finger in the melted marshmallow goo and nutella and licked it off as she walked away.

After that she kept coming back just to talk.  At one point my friend pointed out that she wasn't even talking to him when she came by, only me.  The next time she walked by she asked me to feel her arm.  My friend tried to convince me that she might be interested and that I should try to get her number.  I, however, know that she works for tips, so figured she was just being friendly since I was the one with the open tab.

Later, he went to the bathroom.  While he was gone, I started thinking about my most recent break up (the weekend after Valentine's Day - Awesome), when she came by and struck a pose mocking the serious look on my face.

I laughed, then she said, "Where did he go?" and motioned toward my friend's empty seat.

"I don't know.  I paid for his drinks and everything, then he just got up and left me all alone."

"Fucking men," she said.

I'm guessing she thought I was gay.

Every time I find myself in this old bind watching the death of my hopes

Last weekend I went out to dinner with three lovely ladies.  We went to a bar and grill where apparently a lot of rednecks like to spend their evenings on the weekend.  In fairness, this is Utah, so that probably describes EVERY bar and grill in the entire state.

We'd finished eating and were just sitting around chatting and listening to the band (if you can call it that, at first we thought it was karaoke until we realized that they never changed singers).  At some point, a 300 pound dude in a camouflage fleece at the table next to us turned around and realized how close he was three very attractive women.  He asked if I was married to any of them.  I said I was married to all three of them.  He must not have believed me because he began using his pick-up lines:

"Hi, I'm Jerry.  I fart, I watch porn, and sometimes I play video games.  I figure I'll start off being honest and we can take it from there."

Oddly enough, the ladies didn't swoon.  Weird.

But Jerry wouldn't be deterred.  He went for his back-up line.  "Do you hunt ducks?"

"No."

"Well, what animals do you hunt?"

"We don't hunt any animals.  We study them."

"Have you ever even shot a gun?"

"Not at anything living.  No."

This came as a shock to Jerry.  He needed something else, and quick.  Another fall-back line.

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"C'mon, let's go smoke."

"None of us smoke."

"Well, there's a fireplace out there.  Let's go get some fresh air."

"There won't be any fresh air because you'll be SMOKING."  My friend then pointed to a burn mark on his fleece shirt and said, "Besides, I don't trust you with a cigarette since you can't even keep the ashes off yourself judging by this burn."

He kept trying.  He asked if they wanted to see his 1979 motor home with a black light.  He asked if they wanted to go hunting ducks in the morning.  He asked if he could buy them a drink.  When none of that worked he asked if they were lesbians.  Two friends said they were together and he said, "I should've known."  He then turned around and went back to his table.  One of his friends saw that as an open opportunity and swooped in.

"So, how do you guys know Jerry?"

"We don't.  Jerry was just saying hi."

"So, are you having a good time?"

"Oh yeah, it's turning into a GREAT night."

"What?  You think you're too cool for me?"

"No.  I'm not cool at all."

He left too.

It was hilarious to watch that all, but at the same time it was exhausting.  I'm glad I'm not an attractive woman and have to deal with that every time I go out somewhere.

But hey, at least now I know what lines NOT to try in the future.

No shirt, no shoes, no problem

A few days ago my sister called to see if I wanted some hand-me-downs for Mr M.  I told her I did, so she said she would send a box of clothes with her husband to drop off if I could go pick them up at his business location that's closest to me.  So I went and picked them up, then took them over to my kids' house so Mr M could go through them.  There were a lot of shirts that he really liked, including a couple of sleeveless t-shirts.

Mr M has always been one who likes to show off his 'muscles' so I said, "You should be happy about having all these muscle shirts, right?"

He answered, "Well, I don't want to have too many muscle shirts because it can be ghetto, depending on the situation."

"No, Dude, it's always ghetto.  No matter what the situation is."


So yeah, another quality piece of fatherly advice goes into the books.

Happiness it comes at the strangest time, it's true, I don't know what comes now

Well, well, well, would you look at that?  It's the last day of the year and I still haven't compiled a list of my favorite albums of 2012.  I know you care.  I still have time, so here goes:

Honorable Mentions:  Garbage, Calexico, The Gaslight Anthem, The Silver Seas, Emperors, Mark Lanegan Band, Fanfarlo, Everest, and Glen Hansard.

(Oops, couldn't narrow it down to ten, so you get two extra this year.)

12.  The Wallflowers - Glad All Over

I was happy to see the band working together again after Jakob Dylan spent the last few years working on solo stuff (which was also good).  I probably haven't given this album enough listening time since I got it at the same time as a whole bunch of other music that I'm still slowly making my way through.  Not sure it truly belongs on my favorites of 2012 list for that reason, but I'm throwing it on there for old times' sake.  These guys were one of the bands that got me through my divorce.  True story.




11.  Band Of Horses - Mirage Rock

I was fortunate to see these guys play for the low, low price of $5 while they were on tour promoting this album.  They played the song Great Salt Lake (not on this album, but probably my favorite BoH song) twice.  My friends realized that none of us have ever floated in the Great Salt Lake, so we drove out there at midnight and swam as a thunder storm rolled in.  It was quite an amazing experience.




10.  John K. Sampson - Provincial

This is a fantastic solo album from the frontman of The Weakerthans.  I haven't heard his voice for a while as it's been quite some time.  The first time I listened to this album was very nostalgic for me, even though it was brand new.  How that makes sense, I have no idea, but there you go.  I texted an old friend to make sure he knew this was out.  Music has a funny way of getting me to reach out to people I haven't spoken to in years, apparently.



9.  Divine Fits - A Thing Called Divine Fits

A friend gave me this album, but at first I didn't take the time to listen to it all the way through.  When I'm at work I listen to my music on shuffle.  At least four different times I'd stop whatever I was doing in the lab to go look at who was playing, and this was the album cover that flashed up.  Great collaborative effort from some of the guys from Spoon and Wolf Parade, two styles that I didn't think would mesh, but somehow do.  Also, the album cover is pretty awesome.  Simplicity works.



8.  The XX - Coexist

Another simple album cover, another really good album from a band I finally got around to listening to despite plenty of recommendations from friends after their last album.  Seriously, if you haven't heard these guys yet, drop whatever you're doing and go listen.  You won't be disappointed.






7.  Kishi Bashi - 151A

One of my friends called me on the phone last Spring and told me to download this song ASAP.  I did.  I then listened to it in the car with a girl from my lab while we were en route to the Hare Krishna temple to pick up colors for the Holi Festival.  Talk about fitting.  Later in the year he came here on tour, and that same friend took me on a date to the show since her husband couldn't go with her.  We hung out afterward and I told him that Bright Whites is a song that makes me happy every time I hear it.  I think he thought I was weird, but whatever.


6.  The Shins - Port of Morrow

I don't think there has been an album by The Shins that I haven't liked.  This one is no exception.  I was bummed that I missed their concert this summer.  (Say what you will about Salt Lake City, but they do get their fair share of awesome concerts.)  This makes for good road trip music.






5.  Nada Surf - The Stars Are Indifferent To Astronomy

The album title is a mouthful, but this is another strong effort by Nada Surf.  Another band that came through and I missed out on.  I didn't even know they were here until the day of the concert, and of course by then it was too late.  I would've loved to have been at that show.  All my friends missed it as well.  What I'm saying is, we all suck.





4.  Sea Wolf - Old World Romance


I'm not sure I've listened to this album enough to have it ranked this high on my favorites list, but whatever.  It's good all the way through.  They'll be here during Sundance, and I'm going to do my best to make it to one of the three shows they'll be putting on.  I've heard they're amazing live.  One of my friends said seeing them perform vaulted them to second favorite band of all time.  That's a pretty strong statement to say the least.  Great, now my expectations are high.



3.  Alberta Cross - Songs of Patience

This one might also be ranked a bit lower if I wasn't so in love with the song Wasteland.  I dare you to listen to it and try to say something bad.  You can't.  It's amazing.  All of this band's albums are fantastic as well.  If you've never heard of them, I suggest you change that.






2.  The Walkmen - Heaven

Another $5 concert at the park last summer.  I hadn't yet listened to this album, but am a fan of their older work, so couldn't pass up the opportunity.  I convinced one of my colleagues to join me.  We were both impressed.  I'd say these guys have only gotten better through the years.  I purchased the album on iTunes as we left the park and walked back to the car.  I then proceeded to listen to it non-stop for about three weeks straight.

1.  Delta Spirit - Delta Spirit


Not only is this my favorite album of the year, but this was my favorite concert of the year.  The lead singer has so much energy (he's a little crazy, in my opinion).  The concert was on a Monday night.  He thanked us for joining the band on "the greatest Monday night of all time."  I probably wouldn't go that far, but it was a lot of fun.  They played until 1:30 a.m.  The last song he climbed up into the rafters and sang it while hanging upside down with his legs wrapped around the beam.  I honestly thought I was going to witness the show where he died.  Glad I didn't.  It would've ruined my night.  His too.



All things considered, 2012 was a good year.  Here's hoping that 2013 has more good things in store for all of us.  Happy New Year everybody!!!

Wanna be a baller, shot caller, twenty inch blades on the Impala

I've recently come to the conclusion that I can no longer shop for Togers.  He's 16, and like most 16 year olds these days, dresses kinda like a douche.

He claims he's in style.  I have my doubts.  Maybe I'm just old, but whatever.  My point is, I had to make sure he put together a Christmas list so that I didn't purchase something that he didn't want or wouldn't wear.

He created a wish list out of photos he found online and put them in a folder on my desktop.  Here are its contents:

Not a bad wishlist if I do say so myself.

Stickshifts and safety belts, bucket seats have all got to go

I took a road trip to San Francisco for the week of Thanksgiving with my girlfriend(?).  On the way home, she got pulled over for speeding.  The officer took her license and registration and said he'd be right back.

Her:  I can't believe I'm going to get a ticket.

Me:  He's probably going to ticket you for driving while there was a capable man in the vehicle.

Her:  In that case, he should ticket you for not keeping your woman under better control.

The risks I take to make myself laugh.  Glad she thought it was funny too.

Your daddy's trippin'

The weekend before last I took my boys out to buy them new coats.  Just in time too because we got several of inches of snow last week, and daytime temperatures have now dropped into the 20s and 30s. Togers got his first, then we had to shop around a little while before Mr M found one to his liking.  When we finally found one for him, we paid and left, and walked past a couple of cute girls in the parking lot.

Togers:  We left at the wrong time, Dad.  Did you see those girls?

Me:  I did, but those girls are way too old for you.

Togers:  No they weren't.

Me:  Yes they were.  How old do you think they are?

Togers:  Younger than 26.  I know the law.



He is his father's son.

Trick or treat 'til the neighbors gonna die of fright

Mr M wanted to dress up as a zombie for Halloween this year.  Some friends of mine said they had a zombie costume that their son wore a few years ago that I could borrow, so I didn't put a lot of effort into making one for Mr M.  Until yesterday, when they said they'd looked everywhere and couldn't find it.

Not wanting Mr M to be the only one in his class that didn't dress up for the Halloween party at school*, I had to start scrambling to put something together.  I called my ex-wife and said that she should start looking around for old clothes that we could tear up and cover with fake blood and mud or something.

Then Togers got an idea:  Mr M has an army jacket with a 'zombie killer' patch.  Togers suggested that Mr M wear torn and bloody clothes, but wear that jacket too, so it would be like he was a zombie killer that got overpowered and turned into a zombie himself.

Mr M nixed that idea.

When asked why he didn't want to do that he simply said, "A normal zombie would have more dignity."












*After my ex-wife drove him all the way to my house so we could go pick out some fake blood and make-up, Mr M informed us that he wasn't going to dress up for school anyway, just for trick-or-treating later, so the "scrambling" was done in vain anyway.

I don't know if the rest will ever mean as much

Me:  You know what I could go for before we start the movie?  Some hot chocolate.

Girl:  You know what would be better than that?

Me:  What?

Girl:  Brownies.  Or no bake cookies.

Me:  Oooh, can we make both AND hot chocolate?

Girl:  I think that can be arranged.

Me:  I knew there was a reason I liked you.

I wondered how far leaves could really fly

This is pretty much all I've been up to so far this month.  How about you?

Apples or something

Girl:  How's it going over there?

Me:  Good. Just waiting for my super slow computer to load the next page I need.  I really need a new laptop.  We should go knock off an Apple Store together.

Girl:  Why?  Do you really like cider that much?

Weeding out your weekends

Friday afternoon I drove to pick up my boys for the weekend.  As they were finishing getting their stuff together, I checked my messages on my phone and had a voicemail from my dad.  He'd called to let me know that they were in town and wanted to know where I was.  I called them back and he said they were at my sister's house, who lives about thirty minutes away from my kids.  We decided to head over there to see them.  Another sister of mine did the same thing, so it turned into a partial family reunion of sorts.

My mom and sister went and picked up pizza for everybody, and we stayed and visited until around midnight, at which point I figured I should probably start driving home.  My sister said, "Why don't you guys just stay the night.  Everyone else is.  We have enough couches."

I asked my boys what they wanted to do, and they wanted to stay, so we did.  After all, my sister and brother-in-law have an entertainment room that's basically a miniature movie theater.  (To them, there's nothing like playing Modern Warfare on a 160 inch screen with surround sound.)

The next morning Mr M was playing with his new PSVita that his mom decided to spoil  him with for his birthday last week.  My seven year old niece was fascinated by it, so at one point he let her play a game while he went and did something else.  She picked it up very quickly.

As my dad watched her play it he turned to me and said, "How on earth do these kids learn how to do all this shit?"

I said to him, "I don't know.  Probably the same way you learned how to ride a horse.  Or skin a cat.  It's just what kids do now."

Girls and boys in school

Today I took Togers to his new school and got him registered for classes.  When we finished, I texted Tortellini.

Me:  [Togers] is going to have a busy year:  driver's ed, careers, law enforcement, guitar, computer technology, Spanish, physics, language arts, geometry, financial literacy, sociology, lifetime fitness, consumer health.

Tortellini:  Why does he have 12 classes?

Me:  That's just how he rolls.

Me:  Some of them are only for one semester, so the second semester has a different group.

Tortellini:  Oh, that's cool that he's taking a guitar class though.

Me:  I think he'll have a fun year.  He's already impressed with the number of cute girls ;-)

Tortellini:  Hahaha.  Of course.  I hope he has a good year too!  He's a freaking Junior.  That's crazy to me.

Me:  Crazy to me too.  Crazier that you're out on your own.  I feel old!

Tortellini:  You are not old.  I mean . . . you are . . but not compared to most parents with an 18 year old.

Me:  You're not helping!

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna' die alone and sad

I might be a little biased here, but I think this might be the greatest story ever told:

Line by line we all scrape by

My friend even went so far as to draw up a contract for me to sign before she trains me to become a sassy black woman.  The terms and conditions are covered in the waiver:

I __________ __________fully understand and acknowledge that risks and dangers exist in my participation in the Sassy Black Woman In Training (SBWIT) program. My participation in such activities may result in injury or illness including but not limited to bodily injury including broken bones, extreme bitchiness, bone fractures, inability to keep opinions to yourself, partial or total paralysis, spontaneous dancing, ghetto fights, eye injury, uncontrollable lip smacking, blindness, broken press-on nails, improper speech, projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, ripped out hair weave, heat stroke, neck jerkiness, death or other ailments that could cause serious disability.

These risks and dangers may be caused by negligence of SBWIT trainers or participants, and forces of nature (acts of God). I hereby assume all risks and dangers and all responsibility for losses, damages or injury. I voluntarily agree to release, waive, discharge, hold harmless, defend and indemnify the SBWIT program from any and all claims, actions or losses for bodily injury, property damage, and wrongful death which might arise.

There are 3 SBWIT packages from which you can choose. The beginners package (which is kinda lame - like a kiddie ride), the intermediate package (which provides several "behind the scenes" moments in the world of SBW)...or you can jump right into the hardcore SBW-VIP package. Due to the intense nature of the hardcore program, details will be provided upon registration.

And I'm back in black

A few weeks ago a friend of mine from Vegas came to visit.  After she went back home she sent me a Facebook message and signed off saying, "Stay black."

Which all lead to the following exchange:

Me:  Stay black?  I think I will.  Amazing.

Her:  Being black can also be a state of mind.

Me:  That's why when I leave a room I often say, "I'll be black."

Her:  Ha!  I bet you do.  I think you should start referring to yourself as a black man and see how concerned your family gets.

Me:  I might need some training.  I might have to axe you some questions about how to be a black man.

Her:  Axe away!  Actually, I will train you to be a loud and ghetto black woman.  They really don't put up with people's shit.  Plus, it would be more fun.  You might have to get a hair weave.

Me:  I'd love to be a loud, obnoxious black woman.  I'll start by yelling at the screen in movie theaters.  You can teach me more later.

Her:  That's a great start!  Also, remember to take offense to everything someone says to you.

Me:  I'm offended that you thought you had to tell me to be offended.

Her:  Bitch!  Calm yo black ass down!

Me:  That is absolutely the first time anyone has told me that.  Awesome!  I feel darker already.


It warrants mentioning that she just so happens to be black.  If you can't mock stereotypes, then what's the point?

More on this later.

Don't listen to a word I say

Last week one of my friends had a birthday party. I know her entire family, but don't see them often. When one of her sisters and her family arrived, I asked her eight year old boy if he remembered me. He said he didn't.

Later, while I was sitting on the couch talking to another friend, the eight year old came up to me and said, "I do remember you."

I said, "You do, that surprises me," as he walked away.

The guy I was sitting next to asked, "Why does that surprise you?"

I answered, "I thought I had him drugged better than that."


 Later, that kid's one year old sister came up to me and wanted me to hold her. I carried her around for a while and someone made a comment that I seemed to be really good with kids.

"What, this? Nah. I'm just getting my reps in so in 17 years when she's legal I'll be first in line to date her."


 In other words, don't ever invite me to a party.