Bangs, above your eyes your hair hangs

Girl: I love your hair.

Me: I hate it. It's all gray and poofy.

Girl: Is there any part of you that you do like?

Me: Hmmm. Let me think about that.

Girl: You're too hard on yourself.

Me: Easy for you to say, you're a model.

You know the girl you said I'd meet someday, well I've got something to confess, she picked me up on Friday

I don't want anyone to die of shock, but a couple of weeks ago I started dating a girl. She's got superb taste in music, is really easy to talk to and fun to be around, and is very, very pretty. She doesn't even seem to be too concerned about the fact that I'm a loser who lives in his brother's basement. What's not to like?

She came over the other night, and on a piece of scrap paper that was left out on the kitchen counter wrote: [Native Minnow] Where did you come from? Who do you think you are?

My sister-in-law and one of my nieces took it upon themselves to answer her questions.

Where did you come from? He is from outer space, and/or his mom's "no-no" zone.

Who do you think you are? [Nicknames] is a narcissist - he thinks he is king of the world. He is also a verb, as in "Why are you dancing all [Minnow-ey]?"

They left the paper out so the next night when the girl came over she saw them. She laughed, then wrote: Do tell me more.

They did.

"He loves 2 watch Elmo, Barney, and Dora. He is fond of trying to kill little girls by "dancing". He also lives with his brother . . . If it weren't 4 us u'd be dating a hobo."

"[Minnow] really likes fashion, pillow talk, and long walks on the beach. He is secretly rich, but chooses to live a pauper's lifestyle. He also lives a dual life 'in and out of the closet.'"

Somehow, this hasn't scared her off. Yet.

Easily confused

Earlier this week a colleague asked, "The Super Bowl is this week, right?"

"Yeah. Sunday."

"It's Sunday? I thought it was Thursday. Isn't it always on February 2?"

"Nope, you've got Super Bowl Sunday confused with Groundhog Day."

"Well, I knew something was happening Thursday."

I'm a man, a man of simple pleasures, I got all I need . . .

The other day I received a picture text from a girl:

I responded with: I'll be right over.

I'm only sharing this in case you were wondering what sexting with me would be like.

Wishin' my week away

Baby we were born to die

The other day my brother put something on Facebook about how he feels middle aged already because he never does anything fun on weekends anymore.

I left a comment saying, "Uh, news flash, you're PAST middle aged."

Later I asked him if he thought I was a dick for putting that.

Him: No, but you're wrong. I'm not middle aged yet because I'm going to live to be 85 or older.

Me: I don't want to live that long. I need to die before I turn 65.

Him: You don't want to meet your grandkids?

Me: Dude, I'll probably have grandkids in the next five years or so.

Him: Oh yeah. Well what about your great-grandkids? Don't you want to get to know them?

Me: Nah. Fuck those assholes.

Once I was afraid of love, but when it's your brother those things change

A few weeks ago I got a Sunday morning phone call. It was my dad, asking me about one of my high school friends and if I knew whether something had happened to him. My dad had seen something on Facebook that suggested that something had. Sadly, my friend had passed away early that morning. Nothing prepares you for that kind of news. I know I'm not exactly young anymore, but I'm still too young to be losing friends. It was a heartbreaking moment.

I wasn't able to attend his funeral. I tried and tried to figure out a way that I could make it all work, but just couldn't manage it. I'll probably always regret not going, but at least I sent his family a card with a little bit of cash to put toward funeral costs and a brief note telling them of a few fond memories I have of him, so hopefully they know he was in my thoughts.

I've mentioned him a few times on this blog: There was the time he and I killed Ramone, I told you about him coming up with what might be the best catch phrase ever (see the footnote on the linked post), and he also came up with the worst pick-up line I've ever heard. Of course there are other stories, and in honor of his memory, I'll share another here.

We were in eighth grade and took a class field trip to visit Fremont Indian State Park as part of our Utah history class (I think). We learned about how the Native American relicts were discovered with the construction of a new freeway, about what had been learned about their culture by the archaeologists who'd worked in the area, and we listened to some stories about some of their gods and legends. We also got to see many of the artifacts (baskets, arrowheads, pottery, etc.) that were on display. At the end of the day, we were to go on a hike to look at the rock art after having the difference between petroglyphs and pictographs explained to us.

Through some misunderstanding, a rather large group of us (15 or so boys) didn't realize that we were only to go on the hike if we had a teacher, chaperone, or park employee with us, so we took off on our own. (Okay, maybe it wasn't exactly a "misunderstanding" because at one point we heard one of the teachers with a group of students coming down the trail, so we hid from them, ensuring that we didn't have to go back to the bus just then.) We hiked around, looked at the petroglyphs, took off our shirts to get a tan, had a "contest" to see who had the most armpit hair (spoiler alert: it wasn't me), rolled boulders down the side of the mountain to see if we could splash them in the river below, and just generally had a good time. At one point, my friend (who was Navajo) sat down to eat the lunch that he'd packed, and ended up dropping some cheese on the rocks. He called out to the rest of us and said, "Look! Cheese-O-Glyphs!" then declared he would leave it there for future generations to see, because after all, he was the only Native American in the group.

Eventually we made our way back to the visitor's center and the parking lot, where unbeknownst to us, the rest of our classmates had been waiting on the bus for over an hour while the teachers were out looking for us. Needless to say, we were in a lot of trouble. As punishment, we weren't allowed to go on any more field trips for the rest of the year, and all of us who'd gone AWOL had to write a seven page paper describing in great detail what we'd done while everyone else was waiting for us back at the bus, then read it in front of our classmates so that they could experience all the fun that we'd had while they waited. Not all of us took the assignment seriously. I turned mine in on miniature notebook paper, which just infuriated the teacher and earned me an additional five pages that I had to write (a 12 page paper to an eighth grade student was sheer torture - Now, I'd love to write a paper that was "only" 12 pages long).

One of our other friends wrote about how we were gone so long because we followed the smell of the peace pipe down into the ant world, where we couldn't return until we were able to trick an eagle into flying us up through the hole in the sky to deliver us back to the parking lot. It was a derivative of one of the legends the park ranger had told us. Of course, that earned us a 30 minute lecture from the teacher on not mocking others' beliefs, and got another five pages tacked onto the end of his assignment as well. Seriously, don't ever teach junior high school kids. We were all so very annoying.

There are so many other stories to tell. There was the first time I met him: I was in seventh grade and he was the new kid seated next to me in English class. He told me he was Navajo, so I asked him to teach me some Navajo words. He told me to say, "clit" so I did. Then, when I asked him what it meant, he just laughed. Turns out he had a lot of fun being surrounded by naive Mormon kids. Then there was the time he ground up birth control pills and told everyone it was from a pixie stick and got them to taste it. Or the time we won in the playoffs in football, then stayed to watch the next game, and he went up and asked one of the cheerleaders from another team out on a date. (A year later, I took that same girl to our junior prom.)

He had the most infectious laugh. It was impossible to hear it and not at least crack a smile. I'm going to miss hearing that. And I'm going to miss getting voice messages that simply say, "Where the white women at?" followed by laughter and nothing else. It's hard to believe he's gone. I get tears in my eyes every time I think about it.

For some reason, every time I've thought about him passing away I think of the lyrics from the Jon Bon Jovi song Never Say Die. It might be because Young Guns was one of our favorite movies at the time we met. It might be because the lyrics themselves somehow describe our friendship. Maybe there are parts that remind me of his military service (he was a marine). Or maybe it's just one of the few songs that come to mind that sing about death. Regardless, I find it somewhat therapeutic (particularly the very last verse), so I'm going to post them here.

As we stood there older than the men

And younger than the boys

We were still as the wind

That blows on a hot August night

And you were lonesome as a jukebox

But deadly just the same

I could be as gentle as a newborn

Then spit into the eye of a hurricane

And we knew how to laugh

And we knew how to cry

Yeah we sure knew how to live

But we don't ever

Never say die

Never say die

I guess you'd say we had a pact

These words we knew so well

Still they remained unspoken

And we'd take them to the fiery gates of Hell

Once I was afraid of love

But when it's your brother those things change

'Cause love is just another words for trust

So hear me when I say

Never say die

Never say no

You've gotta look them in the eye and don't let go

When it's your own blood you bleed

And your own tears you cry

When you're brought up to believe

That it's the strong who survive

Never say die

Yeah and we could run like lightning

Through the pouring rain

And we'll be standing like a soldier

Who comes marching home again

They ask what it is that I want written

On the gravestone where I'll lie

Tell them it's just my bones that died there

So save the tears they'll cry

'Cause my spirit is still riding

Somewhere in this night

When it's these three words that come to me as I kiss this world goodbye

Never say die

Never say no

You've gotta look them in the eye and don't let go

When it's your own blood you bleed

And your own tears you'll cry

When you're brought up to believe

That it's the strong who survive

Never say die

Rest in peace, Elston Louis. You were a true friend, and you will be missed!

There's been wasted hours and there's wasted days, I'm gonna waste a few more if I get my way

I hope you all had a good holiday season. I did. I went to Arizona and spent a little over a week with my kids. It's been a year since I was able to get that much time with them. It's not enough, but it'll have to do.

I decided when I left that I'd take a little detour and check out Monument Valley. I've been wanting to check it out ever since my cousin posted some pictures on Facebook, and my friend from Switzerland included it in her trip to the U.S. last summer. Plus I wanted to make my brother jealous that I was going to take some amazing pictures and he wasn't.

I definitely got some good shots, and he was definitely jealous:

You can get closer to the "full experience" if you listen to Blitzen Trapper's album American Goldwing while looking at those, btw. It was the perfect soundtrack.

I was pretty bummed about that last one. I wanted a good photo of the highway leading to the valley, but I approached from the south instead of the north, so I didn't get this until I'd been through the valley already, and the sun was too low. (And by the way, how bad does it suck that 3:30 p.m. is too late in the day to avoid a "sunset" shot?). Whatever. It's still kind of a cool picture, but maybe that will give me the incentive to make it back down there. I didn't see Forrest Gump anywhere. Or Wile E. Coyote. I figured I'd run into at least one of them.

After I left Monument Valley, I was apparently supposed to make a left turn somewhere in or around a town called Mexican Hat, but somehow I missed that and didn't realize it for about 30 miles. Rather than turn around, I just went ahead to Moab. It was the alternate route on my maps app, it only tacked on an extra hour or so, and it's not like I have anything terribly exciting to come home to anyway. I got some good BBQ in Moab, and my waitress was really hot, so it was definitely worth it. (I even left her a note - no, I won't hear from her.)

All in all, it was not a bad way to start off 2012.

Also, I bought a postcard to send my kids, and on the back wrote "Hey Assholes, see what you missed?" I'm a great father.

Midnight is coming and I wish that you were here

It's that time of year again. You know, the time when I tell you all my favorite music released over the year, and you don't really care, but I don't care that you don't care and keep doing it anyway because I'm annoying that way.

For some reason, there were albums put out by bands that I've liked for years that just didn't do it for me this time for some reason or other (e.g., They Might Be Giants, Stephen Malkmus, Radiohead, Iron & Wine, Gus Black, and Old 97's). It was still a good year for music though, and it was difficult to choose the list as really any of the lowest five could probably be switched out with any from my honorable mentions list, and the top three albums could be switched around as well. I'm not going to complain about that.

Without further ado, here are my top ten albums of 2011 in reverse order:

Honorable Mentions: Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, Fountains of Wayne, Kurt Vile, Tapes N Tapes, and AA Bondy.

10. The War On Drugs - Slave Ambient

I admit it, I'm putting this over the honorable mentions simply for the song 'Brothers.' Love that song! It's very soothing and uplifting. It's been a year where I've needed that sort of thing. It's good when I find new music that will do that for me. This album does.

9. Titus Andronicus - The Monitor

It's not often that one stumbles across a concept album about the Civil War from a punk band, yet here we are. The first time I listened to this it was cranked in my office, which in hindsight, might not have been the smartest move considering people at this university are easily offended by profanity. Oh well. Now I just close the door so it doesn't carry out into the hallway. Lesson learned.

8. The Boxer Rebellion - The Cold Still

These guys have to be one of my favorite bands in recent years. There is something about Nathan Nicholson's voice that I find fascinating. This album does a great job of going back and forth from upbeat to haunting. While my favorite song of theirs is still 'Watermelon' (off of Exits), I'd say this is their most solid album to date. The band's continual improvement has me excited to see what they'll put out in the future.

7. Cake - Showroom Of Compassion

It took me a while to warm up to this album. Probably because I'm not a big fan of the first track. I'm glad I got past it though. I was lucky enough to see them play on this tour for the low, low price of $9.60. I took Togers with me. We both really enjoyed the show, and both of us came away with a much deeper appreciation for the band. Even if we didn't go home with the cherry tree.

6. Foster The People - Torches

This is by far the album on this list with the catchiest beats. I purchased the album mostly because of the buzz they were getting and the one song I'd heard (and liked). I usually need more than that, but this time the gamble paid off. The first five tracks are all legitimately good, and there's not much of a drop-off after that. I wish every album I bought turned out that way. (I can't say the same for MGMT.)

5. Deer Tick - Divine Providence

I blogged about seeing these guys a month or so ago. Fun concert. Even if I am too old to be out until two or three in the morning on a weeknight (or on any night for that matter). I just met a girl who was impressed that I was there though, so there's that. I'm glad they opted for this album cover rather than the 'unicorn farting a rainbow' design that they had on shirts at the merch booth. I'm definitely too old for that.

4. Dawes - Nothing Is Wrong

When you talk about albums that come at just the right time to match what's going on in my life, this is one of them. I got it right around the time GWWBMGF started dating someone else, and I can honestly say that the most depressing songs on this album got me through my own depression over that, although I still get teary-eyed every time I hear 'A Little Bit Of Everything' and 'Million Dollar Bill.' Listen to it.

3. Wilco - The Whole Love

Another stellar performance by my favorite band. You might be surprised that this isn't ranked at the top of my list, but I still didn't listen to this album as much as I did those. That's more a testament to those albums than a knock on this one though. I'd love to see Wilco play in Chicago someday. Until then, I'll have to see if they're coming to SLC anytime soon (fingers crossed).

2. Middle Brother - Middle Brother

I feel like the song Middle Brother should be my theme song, even though I'm not as big of a fuck up as the guy that song's about. At least I don't think so. This is a brilliant side project effort by the lead singers from three great "new" bands (Dawes, Deer Tick, and Delta Spirit). This album had several songs that got me through my "break-up" as well. Seriously, go get this album. You won't regret it.

1. Kasabian - Velociraptor!

This album made me feel like a teenager again. Seriously, I listened to it over and over and over. I even got on YouTube and watched videos with the band's commentary on each of the tracks. Not a bad exercise when those are available, but I usually don't take the time to do that. This is another one you should just go listen to. Amazing stuff. My favorite track is 'I Hear Voices' if you were wondering. I wish they'd quit touring in Europe and Australia and come to the U.S. I have a feeling they'd be fantastic to see live. Hopefully I'll find out for sure someday.

Hey yeah I'm the one that you wanted, hey yeah I'm your superbeast

I've been in Arizona with my kids for the last few days. Today as we were driving back from a quick trip to the mall, Mr M asked me an important question.

Mr M: Dad, would you rather be a zombie or a human?

Me: Hmmm. Probably a zombie.

Mr M: Why a zombie?

Me: Because then the only thing I'd feel would be a craving for brains.

Tortellini: Yeah, but it would be an overwhelming feeling.

Me: It would. But it couldn't be worse than longing for a human's touch.

Tortellini: Ew. Perv.

Mr M: He's a pedophile*.

Nothing says happy holidays quite like being called a perv and a pedophile by one's own children.

*I hope he doesn't know what that word really means.

When I said alone, you know, I'll be right by your side

Brother: Are you going to the Christmas party with me?

Me: Wasn't planning on it.

Brother: You should. That soccer lady was asking about you the other day.

Me: Isn't she married?

Brother: Yeah.

Me: Well, that doesn't do me any good.

Brother: It could. She might have some hot, single friends. She said you were hot.

Me: I'm sure she did.

Brother: Well, maybe not in those exact words, but she did say you looked just like me, so I can only assume that's what she meant.

I'm sexy and I know it

A few days ago I went with Togers and some friends to an antique store. While we there I saw a really big mirror with an asking price of $400. As I stood there looking at the mirror, trying to puzzle out what was so special about it, Togers and one of my friends walked up.

Me: Look at that mirror. It's amazing!

Togers: What's so amazing about it?

Me (gesturing toward my reflection): Can't you see how handsome it is?

Later on I was telling another friend about how proud I was of my joke. Then I had to add this to the end of the story:

Me: [Togers] didn't get it at first. Probably because he's dumb.

Togers: I'm not dumb. I'm not the one that thought that was handsome.

Dead I am the one, exterminating son

Mr M is obsessed with surviving the zombie apocalypse. One of the first things he asked me when I got to their house over Thanksgiving was, "Dad, what three weapons would you want for the zombie apocalypse?"

I told him I'd want a shotgun, a machete, and a flame thrower. I'm pretty sure I could last a while with that.

Togers told me that when he was in the hospital, Mr M saw one of those rolling beds. He was fascinated by it, and went up to the doctor and said, "That would be perfect for the zombie apocalypse. You could just fill that bottom rack up with dynamite, then roll it down a hill and blow up a bunch of zombies."

He's nine. The doctor probably thinks he's a psycho. The next ten years or so are bound to be interesting with that kid.

But, now that I'm aware of his new obsession, he ought to be happy with the two shirts I bought him for Christmas from Threadless.com

The End Of The Road:

The Horde:

Oh one day when you're looking back . . .

I can't believe I never blogged about this, but it's a story from last Christmas. (Well, the drive when I took my kids home just after last Christmas.) It illustrates the unique way in which my little family deals with the big topics. This time, it was about the fact that I'm not Mr M's biological father, but had never really explained that to him myself.

I've talked about this before, but usually when we're on long road trips, my kids like to play games and have contests to keep themselves entertained. When it's cold out (like when the temperatures are in the teens), there's usually at least one competition to see who can hold their hand out the window the longest.

We took the scenic way back to Arizona last year, and passed by the Grand Canyon. When we were near the north rim, the roads were covered in snow, and the temperatures were well below freezing (17 degrees I believe). Of course my kids had the contest to see who could hold their hand out the window the longest. I can't even remember who won, but I know it wasn't me. I didn't even play that time. I was a little nervous about staying on the road.

Five minutes after the contest ended, Mr M wanted to play again. Tortellini and Togers didn't want to because their hands hadn't yet warmed up enough to give it another go. I told Mr M that he'd need to find a different game to play.

Mr M: Alright, how about we play 'Who's Most Related To Dad?'

Me (Laughing, and a little shocked): Who do you think would win that game?

Mr M: [Tortellini] and [Togers].

Me: And why do you think that?

Mr M: Because you and mom made them, and mom and someone else made me.

Me: That's right. But you know I love you very much, right?

Mr M: I know.

And just like that, the conversation I'd been dreading having with the kid since the time he was born was over. Easy peasy.

We're full grown men, but we act like kids

Last week's Deer Tick concert was awesome, even if it was too late to be out on a weeknight. The venue where they played is notorious for starting late, and true to form, the opening band didn't take the stage until 9:30 or so, and there were two openers, so Deer Tick didn't start playing until 11:30. However, they did play until 1:15 a.m., and it was amazing. They even worked in a few cover songs. Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear them play Dirty Dishes or Long Time (my two favorite Deer Tick songs), but they did enough to make up for it.

Here's the set list:
1- The Bump
2- Easy
3- Baltimore Blues
4- Main Street
5- Chevy Express
6- Walkin Out The Door
7- Ashamed*
8- Bastards of Young (A cover of The Replacements song)
9- Clownin Around
10- Spend The Night
11- 20 Miles
12- Funny Word
13- These Old Shoes
14- Something To Brag About
15- Be Kind To Me (A cover of a song by Michael Hurley, I think)
16- Now It's Your Turn
17- Miss K.
18- Not So Dense
19- Scentless Apprentice (A perfect Nirvana cover)
20- Mange
21- Let's All Go To The Bar

I didn't get to bed until 2:30, but luckily I make my own schedule at work, so was able to sleep in a little. My brother wasn't as fortunate. Plus, he's older than me, so he sucks more anyway.

He kept trying to get me to hit on a cute girl that worked her way up in front of me. I kept telling him there was no way I was going to. Here's an excerpt of how the conversation went down:

Him: Go tell that girl that you like her hat.

Me: I'm not going to do that. That's lame.

Him: It's not lame. It's easy. You can introduce yourself to the lead singer of the opening band and tell him you like his music, but you can't tell a cute girl you like her hat? That's lame!

Me: Fine. I'll go up and say "I like your hat. It goes well with your tits."

Him: You're an idiot. Don't say that.

Me: How about this? "I like your hat. Can I knock it off your head with my dick?"

Him: No, don't say that either. Just say you like her hat.

Me: Alright, I'll say, "I like your hat. Want to blow me later?"

Him: [shakes head]







*They played this way different than it is on the album, but it was still really good.

I am the boy your mother wanted you to meet, but I am broken and torn with heels at my feet

I'm going to a Deer Tick concert tonight. I usually don't get very excited for shows anymore, but I'm excited to go to this one. I probably won't get home until one or two in the morning, but it'll be worth it. I just hope there are more people in attendance than the last concert I saw at this venue (last time there was a huge snow storm, and only five people showed - I felt bad for the band, but they played anyway).

The other day I told a girl in my lab about it and she asked who I would be going with.

Me: I don't know. I might be going alone, but even if that's the case, I'm still excited.

Her: You never know, you could meet someone there.

Me: That will never ever happen.

Her: That never happens because you never try!

Me: Exactly.

I believe there's a way to shut the things you don't need out

Yesterday I went to some hot springs with a few friends. One of them had apparently been having boy problems for the past week or so. When we were on the way home she started talking about changes in her life and how they've affected her personality.

"I feel like there are two of me. The old me, who is like this good little Catholic school girl, and the new me, who tries to sleep with every guy she meets."

Another friend said, "I feel like there probably ought to be a third option in there somewhere."

I added, "Yeah, maybe like a version of you that only sleeps with half the guys she meets."

We're at it again, let's roll just like we used to

Last night I stopped to talk to an old friend and some other people I knew were also there talking with him, including a couple of teenage girls.

As I tend to do from time to time, I said something vulgar, then realized that one of the girls was close enough to overhear me. I apologized to her dad, and he said, "That's okay. She knows all the swear words. But she also knows better than to fucking repeat any of them."

She enthusiastically added, "It's true. I know all the bad words."

I replied, "I'm willing to bet you don't know all of them. I guarantee I know some words that you don't know, because I know some words that not even your dad knows."

"No. I know them all."

"Really? What's snoodling then?"

"Snoodling?"

"I rest my case."

Open your eyes and what do you seeeeeeeeeee?

Hey look - Fall!

Still Alive

I can't believe it's been an entire month since I last posted. What can I say? I've been busy. And unmotivated to blog I suppose.

So what have I been up to? I went on a few more awesome hikes, took a trip to Vegas to see some friends, spent a weekend mountain biking, got sick (it was my first cold in about two years, so of course it had to last TEN days), and of course, fallen further and further behind at work.

I'd post pictures of the hikes, but I kept forgetting to take any. The few I did take are still on my phone. Maybe someday I'll post them. When it's cold and snowy and I want to reminisce about Fall. It alternated between rain and snow pretty much all day today. I'm not ready for Winter yet. Although, I just found out that at least one of the ski resorts has free skiing for beginners on weekdays from 3-5 p.m., so I may have to take advantage of that this year. Anyone want to come try it with me?