What you've been told is what you're told is the disco infiltrator gone cold

When I was at the music festival a couple weekends ago, I bought some neon trinkets for my kids. A necklace for Tortellini, and some light wands for Togers and Mr. M. I'll freely admit that I had no self-control and played around with the light wands the night I bought them. They were really cool. You could set them to a specific color, or could have it flash through the spectrum of colors. Luckily, I didn't drain the batteries before I sent them off.

My ex-wife called me to tell me how much the kids liked their trinkets. She said Tortellini loved the necklace (which was a little surprising to both me and my ex. After all, teenagers aren't exactly easy to please - there was a good chance Tortellini would've thought the necklace was lame. I'm glad she didn't).

Luckily, the light wands are resilient in the face of abuse. The woman that sold them to me showed me how hard you could hit it on the table and still have it work. She didn't say anything about water resistance, but that came in handy too as Mr. M. immediately filled his up with water to see what that looked like.

The boys turned off all the lights in the house and were swinging them around and my ex cracked a joke about how it looked like something you could take to a rave.

Togers: Yeah, I know. Dad bought them for us at a rave.

Ex-Wife: No, your dad wasn't at a rave. He bought them at a music festival. There's a big difference. Your dad doesn't go to raves.

I'm glad she set him straight. The last thing I need is Togers going around to his friends and telling them (and their parents) that his dad lives in Vegas, goes to raves and buys him cool hippie trinkets there.

If you don't expect too much from me you might not be let down

Friend 1: [Friend 2] was jealous last time her boyfriend left town.

Me: Why were you jealous?

Friend 2: Because he met up with one of his ex-girlfriends while he was there. It was the first time he'd seen her in years.

Me: So why are you jealous?

Friend 2: Because she was the first one he ever, well, you know.

Me: No, I don't know. First time he ever what? Held hands?

Friend 2: No, he didn't grow up where you did where everything's all innocent.

Me: So, was she the first to let him put it in the butt?

Friend 2: Ew. No. That's not what you were doing when you were that age.

Friend 1: No. [Minnow] was making babies and getting married when he was that age.

Me: In other words, making some of the worst decisions of my life.

Friend 1: He'd have been better off if he had put it in the butt.

Husband's lost a lot of blood

Behold the most wonderfully depressing song ever written.

Pedro the Lion: Priests and Paramedics


(just click for sound - the picture never changes)

Lyrics:
Paramedics brave and strong
Up before the break of dawn
Putting poker faces on
Broken bodies all day long
The neighbors heard a fight
Someone had a knife
It must have been the wife
Husband's lost a lot of blood
He wakes up screaming "Oh my God.
Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?"
As they strapped his arms down to his sides
In times like these
They've been taught to lie
"Buddy just calm down you'll be alright."
Several friends came to his grave
His children were so well behaved
As the Priest got up to speak
The assembly craved relief
But he himself had given up
So instead he offered them this bitter cup
"You're gonna die
We're all gonna die
Could be twenty years could be tonight
And lately I have been wondering why
we go to so much trouble
to postpone the unavoidable
and prolong the pain of being alive."

What the world needs now

I called my sister last night to talk to her about a favor she'd asked of me. After she answered my questions about that we ended up talking for quite a while. She mentioned that someone had stopped by her house and dropped off some cake, then called as they left to let her know it was sitting on her porch. When she got home, her cat had eaten a good portion of it.

Weak minded as I am, her simply mentioning the word 'cake' put a craving inside of me. I couldn't let it go, so, while I continued to talk to her I drove to the store to purchase a cake mix. Of course, then I had to purchase a few other things to go along with it (frosting, eggs, etc.). Once I had everything I needed I headed for the check out. As I did so, some Hershey's chocolate syrup caught my eye.

Me: Oh, I guess I need to get some chocolate syrup too.
Her: What do you need that for?
Me: To put on my ice cream.
Her: Ice cream? I thought you were making cake.
Me: I have some ice cream at home too, but I ran out of chocolate syrup to put on it.
Her: You're having cake and ice cream? What, do you think it's your birthday or something?

I was the expert then at taking off her clothes

Last night I was talking with a friend whose best friend just had a baby. I asked her how her friend was doing, and she told me that she was doing much better now that a few more days had passed.

She also told me that her friend had some difficulties being able to breastfeed at first, but that with my friend's help, she'd been able to produce enough to feed her son.

I asked what she meant by "with her help" and she said that she had to massage her friends breasts for about an hour to get the milk to come in. She said it was a little awkward when her friend's husband walked in the room to see what they were up to. Her response was, "Oh, I'm just playing with your girl's boobs."

What I want to know is, where can I sign up for that position? I sense a career change in my future if I ever get an answer to that question.

There is blood in all the things I say

Me: I just sent two packages today. One is for all the kids, and one is Togers' birthday present. Obviously he has to wait until his birthday to open that, but they can open the other one as soon as it gets there.

My Kids' Step-Dad: Of course we'll make him wait to open the one, but thanks for the heads up. We'll watch for them.

Me: Cool. Thanks.

My Kids' Step-Dad: I'm picking Togers up from school right now, so I'll let him know.

Me: Or you could just run over him.

My Kids' Step-Dad: Well, I would, but I'm parked.

Me: Wait, nevermind. Funeral costs would probably be pretty high and I don't want to have to pay for that.

My Kids' Step-Dad (handing off the phone): Did you hear that Togers? High funeral costs are the only thing that's keeping you alive right now.

Togers: That, and [Step-Dad]'s too scared to run over me.

I hate my generation, I offer no apologies

I was standing at the urinal, taking care of business, when another guy came in. He obeyed the unwritten rule of the men's room, and took the furthest urinal away from mine, but after standing there for a few seconds began to speak. "It's really raining here."

I thought to myself, "Great. Why is it that people feel the need to carry on cell phone conversations in a bathroom?"

A few seconds later he added, "The roads are really wet too. Everything's wet."

Slightly annoyed, I finished peeing and washed my hands.

I vaguely heard him say something else, but I wasn't paying enough attention to hear what it was. It wasn't until I turned to open and walk out the door that I realized he was talking to me.

I still didn't say anything. I just walked out.

If you don't know me, and see me peeing in a public restroom, go ahead and save the idle chit chat at the urinal for someone you know.

She's freezing cold and I don't have a blanket that's gonna' fit

Weather wise, this last week has been a little strange. We went from temperatures around 107 or 108 to cool and rainy in the span of a day. A friend and I were having dinner when a girl walked in wearing a trenchcoat, a scarf and a winter hat. The temperature was probably in the high 60s.

Friend: That's overkill, don't you think?
Me: Yeah, it's definitely not that cold out.
Friend: I saw a guy wearing a scarf earlier today too.
Me: That's never acceptable. The only time it's ok for a guy to wear a scarf is if it's January in Minnesota. That's it. When you live in Las Vegas, it's never cold enough to require a guy to wear a scarf.

My friend (who sometimes wears a scarf during the winter) didn't say anything.

Me: That's right, I'm talking to you.
Friend: To me?
Me: Yeah, Mr. I Sometimes Wear A Scarf Even Though I Live In Las Vegas Where It's Never Cold Enough To Warrant That.
Friend: Well, sometimes a scarf is fashionable. Like if you're wearing it with a nice jacket or something.
Me: You know what else is fashionable? Gay men.

So, allow me to modify my stance: It's ok to wear a scarf in Vegas if you're a gay man.

'Cause I know dreams are for those who are asleep in bed

It's a good sign that you're not going to have a very productive day when you're so tired that your eyes won't focus on your computer screen, but, you can't take a quick cat nap in your office because every time you start to doze off you snore and wake yourself up.

I'm just sayin'.

I need a camera to my eye, to my eye, reminding which lies I've been hiding

This isn't really my story to tell, but I don't care, I'm telling it anyway.

I have a friend who awoke one night with a literal pain in his butt. He felt as though he had a hemmorhoid, but didn't want to wake his girlfriend to make her inspect things for him. Instead, he grabbed the digital camera and snapped a picture of his anus. He looked at the picture and was relieved that he didn't have a hemmorhoid. Rather, he attributed the pain to the fact that he'd been eating a lot of spicy food.

Fast forward to later in the week when they had a small gathering at their apartment. He walked into the kitchen from the back room, and saw the camera sitting on the counter. He remembered that he hadn't deleted the picture the night he took it, so discretely picked the camera up and got rid of the file. Who could blame him? Shortly thereafter, one of the girls at the party motioned for him to come over and talk to her and her husband.

Her: Tell [Husband] he's crazy. He's trying to get me to believe that there's a picture of your butthole on this camera. He swears up and down that he saw one on there, but when I looked through your pictures there was nothing.

My friend had to come clean and tell her that her husband was right, that there had been one but he deleted it before she looked. I'm guessing her husband would rather have been wrong in this instance.

Do you wanna sleep with common people like me?

Not to dwell too much on this past weekend, but as we were handing out free ice cream to anyone with a backstage pass, we'd often get people trying to pay us even though they didn't need to. Since that goes against everything The Ice Cream Man is about, we had to tell them we couldn't accept tips or donations*. In one instance, I was standing away from the van throwing some stuff in a nearby garbage can when a fat hippie girl came up to get some ice cream.

Fat Hippie Girl: How much is it for an ice cream bar?
Crew Member 1: Put your wallet away. It's free.
Crew Member 2 (jokingly): Well, it's not exactly free. You just have to put out first.
Fat Hippie Girl: That's fine. I don't mind kissing someone for a free ice cream bar.
Crew Member 1 (pointing at me): Go see that guy.
Fat Hippie Girl: No, that's ok.

Spurned by a fat hippie girl**. Can I sink any lower?






*However, the ban on tips and donations didn't stop us from taking items in trade. I got a cool stone carving from one guy, another guy brought us a bag of fresh cherries to snack on, and some of the ice cream crew were able to use their status to obtain free pizza from one of the vendors.

**Did I mention that she was ugly too?

Let's leave behind these maps and handguns, we're on our way back to California

Why, hello there! Sorry about the lack of posting. I spent the weekend down Californey way, and when we got there we found the internet had all dried up.

Actually, I was at the Joshua Tree Music Festival, and there wasn't any time for blogging even if I'd had internet access. You see, I was too busy handing out ice cream to the masses.

Let me explain.

About a week ago, a friend of mine asked if I'd be interested in free backstage (all access) passes to the festival. I looked over the line-up, and hadn't heard of any of the bands save for Ghostland Observatory (they were all jam bands, some of which are kind of a big deal amongst the hippie crowd, but I'd never heard of them), but there was something about the word 'free' that caught my attention. I asked how it was possible that we could get free backstage passes, and my friend said that one of his friends knew a guy who knew a guy who could get them for us. There was just one catch. The guy who could get them for us is a guy who calls himself The Ice Cream Man. (If you're not interested enough to clich the link (which I assume is the case), the Ice Cream Man travels around to various functions, including many of the music festivals around the country, and hands out free ice cream to the performers. Well, it's really for anyone who is working the festival whether it be the band members themselves, or the sound guys, stage crew, ticket takers, security, etc.) The Ice Cream Man could get us free backstage passes for the festival, we just had to pass out free ice cream to anybody who came along asking for it. I was a little skeptical at first, after all I generally hate crowds, and dealing with strangers is definitely not my strong suit, but I figured it'd be something different, so told my friend to count me in.

We left early Friday morning, and got to Joshua Tree a little before the festival started. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the ice cream truck was having some problems, and didn't arrive in time for us to do anything the first day of the festival. Of course, that gave us some free time to check out the festival itself, and to drive over to a place called Pioneer Town that was nearby. The music was cool. Pioneer Town was cool (I ate the best steak I've ever had in my life at a place called Pappy & Harriet's). Joshua Tree National Park was cool. The house we stayed in was cool. But the temperatures were hot! I'm not sure how hot, but it was definitely over 100 degrees outside. As you can imagine, the people were very excited once the ice cream truck finally arrived (around 2:00 p.m. on the second day). We handed out thousands of ice cream bars. While doing so, I experienced many firsts. I've never been called a "divine angel" before. I'd never had dozens of hippies tell me I was "heaven-sent. I'd never been invited to go to Huntington Beach to "get out of the heat, make some s'mores and do some fire dancing" by an attractive girl before.

I spent a good chunk of my time at the ice cream truck because we were only about 50 feet behind the stage and you could hear the music just fine there, but, when the music really caught my attention, I could just walk over and watch them from the side of the stage. I've only been backstage once before, and that was after the concert, but a guy could get used to going to concerts that way. It was cool to be standing ten feet away from the band, right next to the guy operating the switch board and the lights. Whether that makes me cool or not is up for debate (I'm guessing it doesn't), but I felt cool, and that's all that really matters.

All in all, it was a great weekend. Here are a few pictures so you can catch a glimpse of the experience:


The house we stayed in


Pappy & Harriet's



Joshua Tree National Park



The Festival





Back Stage

All alone in a dark room with a mouthful of prescription

My friend, Silentkid, works with a smoking hot chick. About a month ago she invited him to her birthday party. Unfortunately, due to medical reasons he was unable to go. He called me to express his disappointment.

Me: You should go to the party anyway. Not only will you have chance to get on her, but she's bound to have some hot friends.
Silentkid: I can't though. I'm in too much pain.
Me: Well, take some painkillers and go.
Silentkid: Take a bunch of vicodin and then drive to downtown Denver. That's a smart move.
Me: Well, drive first, then take the vicodin once you get there.
Silentkid: Then I'll need to grind it up and snort it so it gets into my system faster.
Me: Perfect! You can snort it off her ass or cleavage. Just tell her it's how the doctor prescribed it.


What? Am I the only person whose prescription bottles come with those instructions?

Don't rock bottom just listen just slow down

It might be time to give up when you try to do a little light jogging on the treadmill to help rehab your back, and you end up pulling a muscle in your calf.

I'm just sayin'.

Does anyone have Dr. Kevorkian's number?

This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Songs that wouldn't have been as popular if they were sung in morse code:

- Message in a Bottle - The Police
- Y.M.C.A. - Village People
- O.P.P. - Naughty By Nature
- Holla Back Girl - Gwen Stefani
- Glamorous - Fergie
- Method of Modern Love - Hall & Oates
- S-E-X-X-Y - They Might Be Giants

Take a chance on me

I called my ex-wife yesterday to wish her a happy Mother's Day. As we talked she said she had to tell me some of the funny stuff Mr. M's been saying lately. I particularly liked this one about playing it safe.

Ex-Wife: Mr. M, is it safe to go with strangers if they ask you to go with them?
Mr. M: No. Not if he has a knife.
Ex-Wife: Well, what if he didn't have a knife but had candy instead?
Mr. M: Candy? Yeah, that's safe.


He must take after his dad.

The longer you wait your decision will fade and wind up wasting this time

Because sometimes driving out to take pictures of the desert in bloom is more appealing than trying to write a manuscript on a Saturday:

C-c-c-c-c-cocaine

Student 1: Can we just play games tonight instead of doing the lab?
Me: What kind of games do you have in mind?
Student 1: Heads-up seven-up.
Me: Wow. It's been a while since I was in Kindergarten. I don't think I remember the rules to that one.
Student 2: How about we play [something I didn't hear correctly]
Me: I'm sorry. What did you say we play?
Student 2: Hooky.
Me: Oh. I think it might be time for me to get my hearing checked.
Student 2: Why? What did you think I said?
Me: I thought you said cocaine. It's good that you didn't. I wouldn't even know how to play that game.
Undergraduate Assistant: Well, we'll need a mirror, and a razor blade, and we're all going to do lines until somebody's heart explodes.


So there you go. That's how you play cocaine. First person to have their heart explode loses.

Are you dead or are you sleeping? God I sure hope you are dead.

I recently found out that one of the couples I know is going to be moving to Chicago this summer. I haven't talked to the guy for a long time, so I emailed him to suggest we hang out before they leave.

Me: We should do something once you guys are both done with finals. Definitely before you move. What else have you been up to lately?

Him: We should definitely have a game night once finals are over. Other than that, I've been playing Grand Theft Auto a lot, so I've been killing a lot more hookers than usual.


I'm not sure how many hookers he usually kills, but I'm going to tell him to make sure not to store all the bodies in the same place. One dead hooker in the closet is fine, but any more than that, and the stink is going to upset his girlfriend.

Black souls in the desert

A few things I learned while at the dry lake bed last weekend:

- My car will go at least 105 mph.
- Driving 105 mph on a road at night isn't safe when there are rabbits jumping out in front of you.
- I no longer have the heart to run over rabbits that jump out in front of me.
- Not all drivers can go on rocky roads without getting high centered.
- I can.
- My car can even go offroad.
- I know better than to drive my car across the desert.
- That doesn't always stop me from doing it.
- Creosote bush grows far enough apart that my car can fit between the bushes.
- Teenagers like to race across dry lake beds at night.
- So do I.
- That doesn't make me a redneck.
- Or a teenager.
- Drinking champagne straight out of the bottle = classy.
- Drunk people are really easy to amuse.
- Nerds are fun to mock.
- Chips Ahoy chocolate chunk cookies are a big hit with the drunk bonfire crowd.
- Fire can even make me tolerate some of the people I can't stand to be around.

Do you remember cooking roast on the sabbath with your dad?

Friend: You know, if we weren't in biology, we'd know a lot more hot girls to hang out with.

Me: True.

Friend: If I ever have a son I'm going to sit him down and tell him that biology's cool, but not to go into it.

Me: What'll you tell him to go into? Psychology?

Friend: It doesn't really matter. Psychology. Business. Hotel Management. Any of those are going to surround him with hot chicks. At least more than in bio.

Me: Fair point.

Friend: You should tell Togers and Mr. M. the same thing. In fact, call them up right now and tell them.

Me: I will. I'll say, "Togers, Mr. M., I really like what I do, but when you grow up I don't want you to be biologists. I want you to own a strip club." That should do the trick.

Born on a desert floor you've got the deepest thirst

I spent the bulk of Friday night out at the dry lake bed. Unlike last time, we didn't have a good old fashioned book burning, but we did have fun, even if we were killing diapause eubranchiopod embryos.

Here's what the carnage looked like:



Fire is cool.

Yo, watch the way I navigate, ha ha ha ha ha

According to my physical therapist, I am officially ineligible for the wheelchair basketball league.

Part of me is pleased that my recovery is going so well. Another part is a little disappointed. I so would've owned that league.

You can come over to my place if you want to, you can do anything you want to do

It's time for another example of why you shouldn't open your mouth unless you want an honest response to what it is that you're saying.

The other day a girl came over and I ended up making some banana pancakes for us. I had music playing the whole time, and one of my favorite songs came on.

Me: Do you know who sings this song?
Her: I don't know. Wilco?
Me: It's They Might Be Giants.
Her: I figured it was one of your favorite bands.
Me: But you didn't know which one. I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Girl (looking at her plate): That's ok. I'm almost done anyway.

He never waves when he goes by. He's hiding something from the rest of us.

I've been going to physical therapy for my back for the last several weeks. Recovery is slow, but the therapy seems to be helping. If I go a week or two without seeing someone, they usually comment on how much better I'm moving, so that's definitely a plus.

My physical therapist has me doing several different types of exercises. Some are exercises to strenghten my core. Some are stretches, designed to loosen up my back and stretch it out, but also to stretch my nerve past the scar tissue that's built up around it. One of the stretches requires me to place a loop around my foot and pull my leg straight to stretch out my hamstring. When I'm at physical therapy, he has a few pillowcases taped together to form a loop. When I'm doing them at home, he told me to just use a belt to do the same thing.

I usually go through all my exercises one last time before going to bed at night. Some I do on my bedroom floor, and others I do while lying on the bed. The hamstring stretches happen to be in the latter category. My bed sits underneath my window, so this is what my neighbors would see if they happened to look in from the street:





They probably think there's some kinky shit going on in my room.

I wasn't really drunk I was just pretending

Saturday marked the second time I've participated in an annual horseshoe tournament put on by a friend of a friend. Like last year, I had a great time. Unlike last year, my team (Whore'z Shoooz) didn't make it as far. We finished somewhere in the middle of the pack (30 teams total), but outlasted the champs of the previous two years, so that was almost like winning the whole thing. Almost. Ok, not really.

A few highlights of the day:

- The host lit off fireworks during the singing of the National Anthem, surprising everybody, including my friend who was singing. The song ended with the sound of jets flying over being blared from the speakers as well. A little while later, police arrived on the scene to investigate reports of shots being fired.

- I met a girl from Chicago who knows, and hangs out with, a couple members of Wilco. She took down my contact information to give them in case they come to Vegas again. I'm sure nothing will come of it, but it would be pretty cool if it did.

- My partner was showing me a scar he got on his calf while he was mountain biking a few weeks ago:

Him: I should've gotten stitches on that, but that's ok. Chicks dig scars, right?
Me: That's what they say, but if you really want to know, ask some. There are a few right there.
Me (to a group of girls): Can you guys answer a question for my friend here? He wants to know if it's really true that chicks dig scars.
Girl: That depends. Not if it's some kind of horrible disfigurement across your face.

- Since I was the only one not drinking, a friend and his wife asked if I could drive a few of them to go get some food. We took his Jeep to the drive-through at Sonic:

Two 13 year old girls: We love your mohawk!
Friend: Thanks! I love you too!
Me (to his wife): Uh oh. Are you feeling threatened?
Friend's Wife: Not by two 13 year olds. That'd be illegal.
Friend: Not necessarily. If I do them both at the same time they'd be 26.

- One girl told me I look like Taylor Hicks.

Me: I don't know who Taylor Hicks is.
Her: He's from American Idol.
Me: That's why. I don't watch that show.
Her: Sing me a song.
Me: I can't. I don't know what he sings.
Her: Sing anything. It doesn't matter.
Me: My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R . . .

- My friends, a married couple, were one of the last six teams standing. Despite being up on their opponent 15 to 5, they ended up losing the match. The husband was quite upset after that.

Someone: Cheer up. It's not that bad.
Him: In order to do that, I'll need to squeeze the head off a small child. Well, any small mammal will do.
Me: I don't think they have any pets, so you're out of luck.
Him: Not even a goldfish? I could cut the face off a goldfish with some scissors.
Me: I don't think so, but I'll tell you what, if that's what you need, I'll drive you down to Wal-Mart and we can buy you a few goldfish.
Him: I'm going to need at least a dozen.

- After the games were over, a few of the people who came in from New York wanted to go out and gamble.

Guy 1: I want to go play cards. Who wants to go play cards?
Goldfish Hater: I don't. That's for homosexual tourists.
Me (to Guy 1): So by all means, go ahead.



A few lowlights of the day:

- Whore'z Shoooz got knocked out after four games. Both losses were close, we just couldn't pull it out at the end. Our elimination game was 10 to 9 and the opposing team hit a ringer to end it. I liked that girl before too, but hate her now. Her husband too.

- Since I was the only one sober enough to drive, I ended up driving people to the liquor store a couple of times. I think in all there were three kegs consumed, along with two gallons of Jagermeister. That's not a typo. My partner started referring to me as 'beer bitch'.

- Some of the ladies (including the hottest girl there) set up a Slip 'n Slide, and said they were going to go on it nude at 9:05, then never did.

- I got stuck talking to a drunk girl in the kitchen without a way to escape. She went on and on about her ex-husband and how he cheated on her, about how her daughter didn't respect her step-mom, and blah, blah, blah, for about 30 minutes. Apparently someone thought I was hitting on her and her boyfriend eventually came in and pulled her away (I never got a chance to thank him for that). After that, I told my friend that if she saw me talking to her again, to come and save me.

- I drove a group of people back to their hotel, and a guy stuck his head out the window and puked. Luckily, none of it got in the car, but I still had to stand in the street at my friend's house and hose it off at three o'clock in the morning.

- Finally crawling into bed at 3:46 a.m.

You can go ahead and get married, and this'll be our secret thing

Girl: I'm getting married in three weeks. Since you've been there, do you have any advice to give me?

Me: I have two pieces of advice for you. 1) Don't get married, and 2) Seriously, don't get married.

Although we often wondered, it was no thing of wonder

Nothing offsets the feeling of getting old quite like walking into a room first thing in the morning and having a young twenty-something year old girl say, "Wow, you have really nice calves!"

I'm just sayin'.

You say I like what you say, I like what you say

Now it's time for some sage words of wisdom from Native Minnow.

I always say. . .

. . . never miss a good opportunity to shut your mouth. Especially if you're someone who annoys me.

. . . that sometimes it's just easier to go out and buy new socks than it is to do laundry.

. . . it is better to have loved and lost than to live with a lunatic for the rest of your life.

. . . there's no such thing as "too sweet."

. . . nobody likes to be called crazy, especially crazy people.

. . . a cloaca's a cloaca.

. . . of all the places not to be seen, a small penis convention ranks pretty highly.

. . . it's better to go on vacation than on a shooting spree.

. . . a monarchy is always the best form of government, when you're the monarch.

We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn

Me: What else is new?

Togers: Not very much.

Me: Well that's not very exciting. Why don't you go burn down a shed or something? Then you'll have some excitement to talk about.

Togers: Aren't you supposed to be a good example?

Me: I'm supposed to be, but you and I both know that's not the case.

I don't want to be the bad guy, I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore

Everclear played a show last night at the Mandalay Bay Beach. They're not my favorite band in the world by any means, but tickets were only $9, so I went with a friend of mine and a girl he recently met.

Earlier in the day when he told me she was coming, he told me to be on my best behavior.

Him: [Girl] is coming too, so don't be an asshole.

Me: Can I be a dickwad?

Him: I don't know that you know how not to be one.

My flying saucer, where can you be?

I'm not sure what reminded me of this, but when I was six years old my family moved from Montana to rural Utah. At first, my parents couldn't find a place for us to live, so we ended up staying in a hotel for the first month or so in our new town, dining in restaurants when we weren't at school.

One day we were eating, and there was a man who'd had a tracheotomy sitting at a table near us. I kept hearing his robotic voice, and was fascinated by it. I had to leave our table to go to the bathroom, and on the way back I stopped by his table, looked up at him and asked, "Hey Mister, are you from outer space?"

He wasn't. Who knew?

What went wrong walking tightrope high over moral ground

Friend 1: I was watching Bush's War on Sunday and fell asleep. When I woke up, my cat was sitting on my computer because it was warm.

Me: I just finished watching that on Sunday. Why are you looking so surprised?

Friend 1: Well, you're usually not the one I talk about politics with, he is. You're usually the one who talks about boobs with me.

Me: No, that's me and him.

Friend 2: Actually, that's pretty much you and everybody you talk to.


It's funny because it's true.

And I can't relax with my knees on the ground and a stick in my back, Sister Jack

I'm not Catholic, so I don't completely understand the idea of Patron Saints. I do, however, realize there are a lot of them, I just didn't realize that there was one for just about anything. I was shopping for Jesus pencil toppers* last week at a souvenir shop on the Strip and found a bunch in the section with all the religious paraphernalia. These two were my favorites:







*One of the reactions I perform on a regular basis in the laboratory involves making multiple copies of a segment of DNA. Anyone who performs these reactions on a regular basis will tell you it's pretty much voodoo. Hence, I have little statues that I put atop the machine when I'm running mine for use as good luck charms. Who better to have as a good luck charm than Jesus Christ? I mean, my friend has a golden statue of Buddha that seems to work quite well, but I needed something for my problematic DNA samples, and I can't use someone else's good luck charm. Doing so would be more likely to bring a curse upon my research than it would be to cause the reactions to work.

Red dragon tattoo, it's just about on me, I got it for you, so now do you want me?

I love this time of year. It's warm outside, meaning the girls are dressed in less, which makes a walk across campus that much more enjoyable. At least when the girls wearing less are those who ought to be, and not the other kind (i.e., fat and ugly). However, such is not always the case. The other day I was walking with two friends and saw a girl with a tattoo on her breast. Unfortunately, this girl was not attractive, but her tattoo was very noticeable.

Friend 1: Did you see that girl's tattoo?

Me: How could I miss it?

Friend 1: She must have just had that done.

Me: It did look pretty new.

Friend 1: She was trying to push everything up and out to make sure that everyone can see it.

Me: She needed a good push-up bra for that.

Friend 2: She needed a tattoo of a hot chick on her face.

I've got ten miles to go on a nine mile road

I met my wife at a party where I drank too much, my son is married and tells me we don't talk enough

I was talking to my ex-wife the other day, and she told me they'd been teasing Mr. M. all day about his new girlfriend. His pre-school teacher had the kids in the class pair up and hold hands while they did one of their activities. Upon hearing that, I told my ex to put him on the phone.


Me: [Mr. M.], do you have a girlfriend?

Mr. M.: Her not my girlfriend. Her my friend.

Me: Did you hold her hand?

Mr. M.: Yeah.

Me: Then you're married.

Mr. M.: No. We're not.

Me: Yes you are. It's a Utah state law that if you hold a girl's hand you're married to her.

Mr. M.: That's not true.

Me: Yes it is, and you're a real jerk for not inviting me to your wedding.

Hey piggy piggy

Several more instances where I probably wasn't as professional as I could have been while teaching my students. Today's lab was the fetal pig dissection.


Me (talking to the entire class): Now, when you cut down through the pelvic girdle on the male, you need to be careful because it's really easy to cut through this part and sever the penis. Every guy in here just cringed when I said that, and if you didn't, you should have.

---------------------------------------------

Female Student: Can you show me where this pig's uterus is?

Me: Sure, but you haven't cut deep enough. Here, let me see that scalpel. You have to cut through the pelvic girdle like this. Oops. I think I just cut into the vagina.

Female Student: You're never going to be able to keep a girlfriend if you're doing that all the time.

Me: Unless she's into that sort of thing.

---------------------------------------------

Female Student: So we're having trouble finding our pig's boy parts.

Me: That's because you've completely mangled them. Here, let me see if I can salvage any of that.

Me (Later): Well, here's the testicle, but it's no longer attached so I'm going to go ahead and put it over here. Same goes for the other one.

Female Student: Gross.

Me: Hey, at least now you got to say that you spent the day ripping some balls off.

Female Student: Yeah, I can just see it: "Hey Honey, guess what I did today . . ."

---------------------------------------------

My Assistant: Easy there. You're really going to town on that thing, but remember, you don't want to ruin any of the stuff you're going to be looking at next time.

Me: She's just so excited to finally be cutting into something substantial.

Female Student: This is cool, but I really want to cut open a human.

Me: Don't look at me. I think you'll find it works best to stick to the members of society that aren't easily missed.

My Assistant (to her): Usually prostitutes and homeless people work best for that.

My Assistant (to me): You know what I'm talking about.

Me: You weren't supposed to tell anybody about my Jack the Ripper side.

---------------------------------------------

Male Student: So where is the vagina on this thing?

Me: It's right here, although you're probably having a hard time seeing it because of all the juice down in there.

Male Student: Are you saying my pig has a juicy vagina?

Me: . . .

If you see her say hello

Me: Yeah, that girl was crazy. Actually, all women are crazy. All men know that. Yet, for whatever reason, we keep trying to make ourselves believe otherwise.

Friend: I could go for some craziness right now.

Me: I could see about setting set you up with the crazy girl.

Friend: I don't mean that kind of crazy.

Me: Regardless, that's the kind you're gonna' get.

Island in the sun

I just recently got with the times and purchased a camera phone. I didn't realize how much I was missing out on before. Take this text I sent to my sisters for example:

From: Native Minnow
To: Epitome-of-Sweetness; **L**; Lightning-Strikes; TennisGirl



My view from the pool chair.

--------------------------------------------------
From: **L**
To: Native Minnow

You suck! lol

--------------------------------------------------

From: Lightning-Strikes
To: Native Minnow

I'm a little jealous, it's cold here.

--------------------------------------------------

From: Tennis Girl
To: Native Minnow

What's next? You're going to tell me it's 80 degrees there?

--------------------------------------------------

From: Native Minnow
To: Tennis Girl

Pretty close. It'll be 85 on Saturday.

--------------------------------------------------

From: Tennis Girl
To: Native Minnow

So when all the girls road trip down to your house you're not going to care, right?

--------------------------------------------------

From: Native Minnow
To: Tennis Girl

Come on down

--------------------------------------------------

From: Tennis Girl
To: Native Minnow

I really do want to. If only we weren't going to the Jazz game.

--------------------------------------------------

From: Native Minnow
To: Tennis Girl

Now it's my turn to be jealous.

--------------------------------------------------

From: Tennis Girl
To: Native Minnow

Tit for tat

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

Since my other t-shirt idea seems to already be taken, I figured I'd modify it a bit here:

What's the name of the song? Explosivo!

Overheard at the pool earlier today:

Guy #1: **farting loudly**
Guy #2: Dude, I think you just ripped your chair.
Guy #1: I think I ripped my colon.

My ribs that show through t-shirts and these jeans I got for free

Here's another t-shirt idea that would probably make me some money if I weren't too lazy to follow through with it.

Wash your hands of it forever

Girl 1: Can I have some gum?

Me: That was my last piece. But do you want this one that I'm chewing? You can have it.

Girl 1: Ok.

Girl 2: Gross.

Girl 1: Why is that gross? Because [Minnow] has diseases?

Girl 2: Yeah.

Me: You don't even know me. You can't say that.

Girl 2: I've heard enough.

Me: Don't believe everything you hear.

Girl 1: The only thing you need to know about [Minnow] is that he's from Utah, so he has 15 wives.

Girl 2: So he does have diseases then.

Me: No diseases. They were all virgins when I married them, because they were all like twelve years old. Isn't that the way polygamy works?

Girl 1: You should know. You're the polygamist.

Me: Besides, fifteen wives? That's way too many. Actually, do you know how many wives is too many?

Girl 1: How many?

Me: One.

You'd have a wonderful day if you could see how lucky you are

Yesterday I got my haircut. I arrived at the scheduled time, but my stylist was running behind schedule. He apologized and told me it was still going to be a half hour before he could get to me. I told him I was going to go sit in the car and listen to music, and to come get me when he was ready. As I sat there, I started reading through the material inside one of my CD cases and saw a list of things that made the band's fans consider themselves lucky.

So, I compiled a list of my own.

I am lucky . . .
. . . to have a family that loves me.
. . . to have three amazing children.
. . . to have received a good education.
. . . to have great friends.
. . . to have good health (for the most part).
. . . to have a roof over my head, running water, electricity, my own transportation, etc.
. . . to have a love of music.
. . . to have a full head of hair (even if it is rapidly turning gray).
. . . that my research has taken me to so many beautiful places, and will tell a good story when I'm ready to tell it.
. . . that I never voted for Bush (so his colossal fuck ups aren't my fault).
. . . to be alive.

But perhaps most of all, I'm lucky to have gotten lucky!

Telephone call for Mr. Horrible

Me: Did you hear about the shooting over the weekend?
Friend: No.
Me: Well, I guess there were a couple of them, but I'm talking about the one on Friday.
Friend: What happened?
Me: They said on the news that a mom was driving with her 11 and 15 year old kids, and somebody pulled alongside the car and shot her in the head.
Friend: With the kids in the car!?
Me: Yeah. Pretty nuts, huh?
Friend: That's cold.
Me: I know. At least wait until she's dropped the kids off.
Friend: . . .
Me: Or kill the kids too.
Friend: . . .

People always told me that bars are dark and lonely

I'm revising a draft of a manuscript that I'm preparing to submit for publication. Today as I was doing so, I completely lost any writing skills that I once possessed, and wrote a sentence, but couldn't quite figure out why it didn't look right. So, I IM'ed my friend for help.

Me: Question: Are you not supposed to start a sentence with 'Although'?

Friend: ummm, probably not.

Me: I just had to break up a run-on sentence. I started the second one with 'However' instead.

Friend: That works.

Me: Works for me. Although, what do I know?

Friend: lol

A little while later:
Friend: I wanna go to the bar later!

Me: Although, do we have time?

Me: Although, the bar does sound kind of fun

Friend: um....STOP THAT

Me: Although, no!

Me: Although, I'm just going to start every sentence like that, whether it applies or not.

Friend: Well, then later you can say "although I don't know why, [Friend] still shoved a barstool up my ass"

Me: Although, I don't want you to shove a bar stool up my ass

Friend: Well, take matters to prevent it.

Ain't enough bullets in this here gun

I hereby declare that all companies need to run any ideas for what to put on the packaging of their product by me before they go through with it. For a modest sum, I'll be sure to alert them of anything that could be taken a different way than the "cool" way they're shooting for.

Case in point: Take a look at these pictures I took while I was shopping yesterday.





Seriously Remington, you shouldn't make it this easy.

I'm not a real doctor but I am a real worm I am an actual worm

This week my students got to dissect for the first time this semester. Everything they've learned up to this point is about plants, so even though they break stuff apart to look at it, it's not the same as slicing a scalpel blade through some animal tissue. That, my friends, is a good time. The students finally get excited to be in lab when we get to this point of the semester, and that makes teaching them easier. However, that doesn't mean I don't say things that are probably too inappropriate. Here's an excerpt from teaching this week:

You guys are also going to be dissecting an earthworm. We don't have preserved specimens, so you're going to have to kill your own. When you're ready to do that, grab one out of that styrofoam container, place it in the dish of ethanol, and leave it for a few minutes. If you're squeamish and don't want to do it yourself, find someone in your lab group who doesn't mind and have them do it. If none of you want to, I'll do it for you. I don't mind killing things. After you place it in the ethanol it takes a few minutes for it to die, and you may want to turn your back so you don't have to watch it squirm. Also, make sure you leave it in there long enough that it actually dies, which will be a few minutes longer than it takes for it to stop squirming. If you take it out sooner, cut it open, and then it starts squirming again, you're going to feel really bad. I suggest that you put it in there, and then go do something else for a few minutes. If you stay and watch it die, and seem to be enjoying it too much, I may have to have someone follow you when you leave here just to make sure that you're not going down to the park to strangle homeless people.

I want your fantasy, I want your energy

I'm too busy and too tired to tell you all the funny things that I have on my mind, so until that changes, you'll just have to settle for a little bit of German NDH-metal instead:

Rammstein: Ich Will



If you're not really into watching German metal-heads rob banks, here's a kinder, gentler version of the video:

For they have no treasure of their own

You may find this hard to believe, but not every conversation I have with my friends is about oral sex and/or boobs. Sometimes we talk about grown up things. Not very often, but sometimes. For instance, the past few days the sad state of our economy seems to be coming up a lot. It was bad enough when the Canadian dollar finally caught up (and then surpassed) the US dollar. But, did you know that the dollar is even losing ground to the rupee now? The rupee! That's not even real money. That's video game money. (All you have to do to get a rupee is lift a rock, break a pot, cut some long grass, kill a sand crab, etc.)

Then there's the collapse of the housing market. Thanks to the shady practices of lenders (and the failure of a lot of borrowers to read the fine print), that's a problem that has no end in sight. One of my friends pointed out that there should have been more government oversight through all this. Particularly when all the companies who believe in a free market economy when they're making profits feel the government ought to step in when they're in the red (here's looking at you Bear Stearns and Delta Airlines). Even FDIC officials are bankers, so they're not really going to change anything with the way banks are operating.

Friend 1: There was quite a vicious article about all this stuff in one of the Swiss newspapers.
Me: Puh-lease. What do the Swiss know about banking?
Friend 2: Or being vicious for that matter?

What? You can't expect me to keep it serious for too long, can you?

But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

It's time for me to reconsider my stance on sushi. I've always sworn I couldn't stand to eat the stuff. I gave sushi a chance, but when I still didn't like it after my third attempt at eating it, I figured it was because it really was gross. Ever since then, I've just been sticking with California and/or veggie rolls when I go with friends to a sushi place.

Several of my friends have been telling me for quite some time that the reason I don't like sushi is because I've never had good sushi, but I've remained skeptical. Until last Saturday. I told one of my friends that I'd go with him for an all you can eat sushi lunch. I figured I could try some of the "good" sushi, and if I still didn't like it, could fill up on stuff I knew I could handle. I told him to order two of what he'd normally get and I'd try it. If I didn't like it, he could finish it off. That turned out not to be a problem. I liked pretty much everything.

My friend asked me what I thought, so I told him.

"This lunch has made me reconsider my stance on sushi. It was pretty good. I guess you guys were right in saying that I didn't like it because I'd never tried good sushi. But, the first time I ever ate a salmon roll, it was all I could do to get it down without throwing up. I was determined to do it, but I was gagging the entire time."

He replied, "Well, it's a lot like the first time you sucked a dick. But then you got used to it after a while, and now you're making some money."

That was my ass you saw bouncing next to Ludacris

Text messaging never gets old:

From: [C. C.]
Received: Mar 22, 08 11:23 a.m.
Even the girls on the Playboy channel on Sirius said liberry :-)

From: [Native Minnow]
Sent: Mar 22, 08 11:32 a.m.
Really? Who'd have thought the girls on Playboy were stupid?

From: [C. C.]
Received: Mar 22, 08 11:39 a.m.
I'm 'udderly' surprised myself

I kill you all with a six barrel shotgun, I kill you all but I need you so

Here are a few of the things my youngest son has said over the past few days. Some is Easter related, some isn't:

Mr. M.: Dad, the Easter Bunny came last night.
Me: He did? What did he bring?
Mr. M.: He brought lots of stuff.
Me: Like what? Did he bring eggs?
Mr. M.: Yeah.
Me: Did he bring candy?
Mr. M.: Yeah.
Me: Did he bring guns?
Mr. M.: No! The Easter Bunny doesn't bring guns.
Me: Ok. Just checking.
Togers: Besides, [Mr. M.] already has enough guns.
Mr. M.: No I don't!

--------------------------------

Mr. M.: Mom, the Easter Bunny isn't a bunny. It's a guy in a bunny suit. And he doesn't walk, he just drives or flies to everyone's house to leave candy for kids.

--------------------------------

Mr. M.: Mom, I'm gonna learn Spanish so I can go to China.
Ex-Wife: Except in China they speak Chinese.
Mr. M.: No Mom, they speak Spanish.

--------------------------------

Mr. M. doesn't like to eat fish, so the other night when my ex-wife fixed some for dinner, she lied and told him it was chicken so that he'd eat it.

Mr. M.: Mom, my chicken tastes like fish. I think it's because they have a machine that they put fish in and turn it into chicken.

Neither one of us is one of them

There's a new restaurant/bar in town that just opened on Sunday. My friends wanted to try it out because they have 160 beers on tap, including one friend's favorite beer in the world, which, until recently, he could only get if he was close to Missoula, MT. So, that's where we spent our Friday evening.

I arrived the same time as two of my other friends. They weren't entirely sure where the place was, so they followed me through the parking lot. It was rather full, but as I drove through one of the rows of cars I saw a parking space that was close. I waved at my friends so they would take it, then drove further down the row, parked, then caught up with them as they were getting out of their car.

Him: Why didn't you take that spot?
Me: Because I was going to go over there and get handicapped.
Her: But then he already was handicapped, so he didn't need to.

As we walked up to the door, my friend ran ahead and opened the door for some women, and then for us.

Me: I would have grabbed the door, but I'm gimpy. I probably shouldn't even be out.
Her: It's okay, I'm frumpy. Hey! Gimpy and Frumpy: We're the other two dwarves.

We are brash, we all fall down, we take out our brains and shake 'em all around

My ex-wife called yesterday to tell me about Mr. M.'s take on pre-school based on a conversation they had.

Her: [Mr. M.], you have to use a can opener if you want to open that can of pineapple.
Mr. M.: I know that, Mom. My teacher told me that. She teaches me everything she knows.
Her: Good!
Mr. M.: Yeah. But she never wants to talk about what I want to talk about, only what she wants to talk about.
Her: What do you want to talk about?
Mr. M.: Fighting and guns and stuff.

Should I be worried?

I wanna be where nothing needs to matter

What good is having a blog if one can't periodically use his/her readership to settle disputes? I say no good at all. So, I'm turning to you, dear readers. Today you get to tell me who is right, and who is wrong.

Person 1 thinks that there's a double standard when it comes to going into restrooms of the opposite sex. Women can pull it off. Men can't. Any woman who goes into a men's room might make any men in there uneasy, but it makes for a good story for them to tell. Conversely, any man who goes into a women's room is automatically considered a creep, and runs the risk of being arrested.

Person 2 doesn't think a man would be arrested if he went into a women's restroom.

Who is right?

And they'd say relax, but I can't be a man this far down the map

Tortellini got in trouble at school for ditching class a few days ago. I immediately assumed it was because she was doing something with her friends, but it turned out she was in the bathroom fighting the urge to vomit and her teacher got mad that she was gone for twenty minutes. I'm sure she was probably gone longer than she needed to be, but it seems like the teacher may have overreacted. We talked to her about how if she really was sick she should have called home, and sided with the teacher even though we maybe shouldn't have. It's a struggle getting kids to respect authority. She had to go to detention, and she's grounded from the phone and computer (gasp - no myspace!) for the rest of the week (a little harsh maybe, but she'd be getting a little more slack if her grades were higher). Anyway, dealing with stuff like this is one reason I'm glad I'm not a junior high school teacher.

Or a high school teacher for that matter.

For some reason, I was reminded of the time my English teacher overreacted to something I said in class my junior year. The lesson was on oxymorons, and the teacher was calling on students to give examples. Various students gave the most obvious answers, "Half empty", "Tough love", "Bittersweet", etc. Then she got to me.

"Chicken Fried Steak."

She got mad at me for not taking things seriously. She said something to me that happened to be the catch phrase of a guy everybody called 'Beef' so I muttered, "Good one, Beef." Of course, I muttered it loudly enough for my friends to hear, which also happened to be a bit too loud. She heard me and freaked out.

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME BEEF!?"

There was really no way to deny it, even though I wasn't calling her that for the reason she thought I was, so I just shrugged. Needless to say, I was in trouble. Not enough trouble that they called my parents, but I did have to do extra assignments as punishment. (Which, now that I think of it, hardly seems fair. Make me clean chalkboards, or erasers, or scrape gum off the desks, sure, but making my grade dependent on extra work? Hmmmm.)

So, after remembering that, I now feel guilty for punishing Tortellini for a teacher's overreaction. (Not that I'll let Tortellini know that.)

Was it more than attraction or physical lust?

Friend 1: My trainer is cute. I think you'd like her.

Me: And?

Friend 1: And I'm working out with her tomorrow at 3 p.m.

Me: But I can't work out.

Friend 1: You can't work out your eyeballs?

Me: What? Am I just supposed to go over there and watch the two* of you?

Friend 1: You can ogle. Her, not me.

Me: Well, I could. I'm pretty good at doing that.

Friend 2: [Minnow], you're getting creepier** and creepier.

Me: That's not true. I've always been creepy.

Friend 1: He was born a dirty old man.







*Friend 1 is female, just to be clear.

**This came shortly after another conversation in which I said I didn't want to go to the pool with Friend 2 unless I was going to be able to look at girls in bikinis, or rather, their boobies.

Scream as loud as you can

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I celebrated a day early by going to see some Irish bands play at The Joint. We saw four bands: The Wild Celts, Brother, The Fenians, and Young Dubliners. (The latter being the primary reason for purchasing tickets.) All the music was pretty good, but, as expected, Young Dubs blew the other bands out of the water. They got me to shake my booty-ass(even though I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be dancing, but surprisingly, I'm not sore today). At one point a woman came over to stand by us and said she wanted to be with the fun people. Apparently we were the only group that was getting into it (Vegas crowds suck). My friend (who was drunk) just looked at her and said, "This is where shit happens!" I think he was right.

Never heard of Young Dubs? Well, here's a video of them performing What do you want from me?


If you like that, or if you happen to be looking for some good St. Patty's Day music, here are a few select Young Dubs' tunes* for your listening pleasure.




*These files will only be up for 100 downloads, or one week, whichever comes first, so act fast.

No more floozies only high class hoes

Reasons why I'm thinking of becoming a high end prostitute:

- There's a lot of money involved.
- I need money.
- I can be discrete when necessary.
- It is prestigious to have sex with celebrities.
- Rich guys would buy me stuff (e.g., jewelry, nice hotels, fancy dinners, etc.).


Reasons why it probably wouldn't work out:

- I'm not female.
- I'm not hot.
- I don't have a "purdy" mouth.
- My butthole doesn't fit all sizes.
- I wouldn't swallow.
- STDs.

I look around the world and see that only stupid people are breeding

I am an arrogant bastard*. I tend to think of myself as smarter than most people. While there are those who would argue that this is hardly true, it's true in my mind, and that's all that matters to me. As is the case with most arrogant bastards, I have a bunch of indicators that allow me to know how much smarter I am than everyone else. Some of these are obvious, some less so. The list of indicators is long, and I won't go into all of them here, but I thought I'd share some of the most obvious ones.

I am smarter than you . . .

. . . if you spell the word definitely wrong (e.g., definately).

. . . if you misuse words in your writing (e.g., waste instead of waist).

. . . if you think to, too and two are interchangeable (same thing goes for there, their and they're).

. . . if you write that you "must of" done something wrong (instead of must have).

. . . if you use the following substitutions in your emails**: da instead of the, 2 instead of to, u instead of you, etc.

. . . if you say "liberry"*** instead of library.

Maybe I should have been an English teacher.

Also, whether it's fair or not, I apply a double standard****. I am much more likely to let some of these slide if you're someone that I like as opposed to someone I don't, or if you're a friend or casual acquaintance instead of someone I'm in a relationship with. I haven't kept it a secret that I'm a shallow person. A woman has to be attractive to pique my interest, but believe it or not, good looks alone aren't enough to keep me interested. That's where sense of humor and intellect come in.






*Anyone who doesn't believe me should go talk to my ex-wife. She'll tell you the same.

**It's one thing to do it in text messages, and another if you do it in emails. If you use them in text messages I'll only be mildly annoyed, but can understand if you think it saves you that much effort (even though it doesn't).

***See?


****Especially if I'm the one that makes the mistake, in which case I'm still smarter than you.

I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for a weekend or a one night stand

Me: I got tickets to the Mountain West tournament.

Rural Murder: Cool. That should be fun.

Me: Yeah, but I have to give away my Thursday night ticket because I'll be teaching during that game.

Rural Murder: Too bad.

Me: But I still get to see both games on Friday, and the men's and women's finals on Saturday. Although, I haven't decided if I'll go to the women's championship game.

Rural Murder: That's because you're misogynistic.

Me: Yeah. You know me. I hate women. The only time I love them is when my penis is in their vagina.

Rural Murder: Classy!

Me: I know!!!

Well you can't see the stars in the city no, though the hospital lights sure are pretty yeah

Nurse: Do you have diabetes?
Me: No.
Nurse: Any history of heart disease?
Me: No.
Nurse: Renal failure?
Me: No.
Nurse: Incontinence?
Me: No.
Nurse: Any new rashes?
Me: No.
Nurse: Vision problems?
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you on any medications? Blood thinners? Anti-inflammatories?
Me: Nope. None of those.
Nurse: Good.
Me: Wow. That list makes me sound like I'm a healthy person or something.
Nurse: You are healthy. That's good. Now all I have to do is put in the needle for your I.V. and we'll be ready to take you back.
Me: Sounds good.

Nurse: You have nice veins.
Me: Yeah, I get told that a lot.
Nurse: Are you afraid of needles?
Me: It's not my favorite thing in the world to get stuck by one, but I can handle it o.k. Although, let's just say I wouldn't make a very good junkie.

All things considered, I was very at ease with getting another epidural injection for my back. The only part that gave me pause was when I was wheeled into the room for the procedure only to hear my doctor and one of his technicians talking about playing Dungeons and Dragons. They didn't turn me into a Wood Elf or a Left Handed Axe Wielding Dwarf though. Plus, I can walk better than I have in weeks, and I can bend my leg and back further than I've been able to since November, so I'll consider it a success for now.

Gray matter, gray matter, whoa oh oh oh

Lately a lot of people have been commenting on how gray my hair is going.

I prefer to think of it as gaining natural highlights.

That gum you like is back in style

Friend: Can I have a piece of gum?

Me: Sure. What flavor would you like?

Friend: Whichever flavor is less gay.

Me: Um. You might be out of luck there.

Friend: Why? What are my choices?

Me: Citrus mint or raspberry mint.

Unskinny bop just blows me away

Me: I'm telling you, the updated operating system screwed up your stuff.
Friend 1: You can barely even use a computer, and you're talking to me about how to do it?
Friend 2: You don't know how to use a computer?
Me: I know how to use a computer. Do you?
Friend 2: No. I just use it for porn.
Me: What kind of porn? Bestiality porn? Midget porn?
Friend 2: Pregnant lady porn.
Me: How about pregnant midget porn?
Friend 2: I might have to look into that.
Me: Have you ever seen a pregnant midget?
Friend 2: No.
Me: I don't think I have either. I wonder what would happen if a regular sized guy got a midget woman pregnant.
Friend 2: It'd probably be just like in Alien and come out the middle of her stomach. There'd be no more room in the uterus.

I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Last night I was talking with someone who is going through a divorce. While I don't really know many of the details of hers, our conversation reminded me of a lot of the details of mine. I'm not going to revisit those, but it did remind me of what became my theme song during that time. Here are the lyrics (as best as I can tell):

Scolding Wife by Great Big Sea
Well I came into a scolding wife a few short years ago
And ever since I lead a life of misery and woe
My wife she is a tyrant around the room and in
And she'd sell me to the devil for a glass or two of gin

Sure I'll get up and go to work as mild as any man
And she'll get up and dress herself and go and have her dram
And if I chance to say a word it's well I know my doom
She'll follow me with the fire shovel up and down the room

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

When I get up at breakfast time she'll tap me on the head
When I come home at dinner time I'll find her drunk in bed
When I come home at supper time with patience I must stop
'Cause she drinks what's in the teapot and I must drink the slops

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Well once I asked my scolding wife if I could go to bed
She scarce gave me an hour on the pillow to lay me head
When like a roaring lion she came bustin' down the door
She caught me by the middle and threw me naked on the floor

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Now me and my companions go to a public place
She'll search around the neighborhood until she finds my face
She'll hoist me up in ridicule before the company
Saying petticoats is your master and forevermore shall be

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
(fades out)

Sadly, there's not a great video of it on YouTube, so this is the best of what I had to choose from:



I missed a chance to see these guys play in L.A. about two years ago. Some of my friends went, but I didn't because I would have had to drive all night and then teach the next morning on no sleep. Looking back, I wish I would have gone.

We drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars

Professor: When you walked in and I saw your shoes I thought you were wearing fake Doc Martens.
Me: No, that light color's just dirt.
Professor: Where have you been playing in the dirt?
Me: When I was in Utah I took my kids to the shooting range, but it was quite muddy and I wasn't able to clean it off. This is the first time I've worn them since then.
Professor: You took your kids to the shooting range huh? You got two of 'em, right?
Me: Yeah, we got two of 'em. The third one got away. Mr. M. is hiding somewhere out in the desert.

I dont' think we need to worry about him coming back to turn us in though. He's probably succumbed to the elements already, but if not, he was dressed like a homeless child, so if anyone comes across him they'll think he's begging and refuse to offer help.

While we're on the subject can we change the subject now?

I didn't want the women who are complete idiots to feel left out by not getting dating advice, so I've compiled a list of things not to do when you're with a man.

Native Minnow's Dating Advice (Part Deux)
When you're with a man you should never . . .
. . . play with your boobs.
. . . play with the obese man on the train's* boobs.
. . . wax your ass.
. . . remove stains from your unmentionables.
. . . pumice your callouses.
. . . get liposuction.
. . . watch porn of your ex-boyfriend.
. . . punch your baby.
. . . talk about the restraining order you had to get for your ex.
. . . brandish a knife.
. . . cut on yourself.
. . . attempt to murder someone.
. . . consume afterbirth.
. . . insert yogurt filled tampons to get rid of your yeast infection.
. . . freeze off your genital warts.
. . . whip your dick out.



*Or on the bus.

Well I'm standing alone at the corner, I've got nothin' but you on my mind

It should come as no surprise that I'm a procrastinator. Yesterday when I was putting off going to the lab to do some work I came across an article on MSN that listed things you should never do in front of a woman. I was curious to see how many of those things I did so I clicked the link. You'll be happy to know that there was only one thing on the list that I do (forget to carry cash). However, don't be fooled into thinking that was because I know what I'm doing when it comes to women. Rather, it's because the list was full of incredibly stupid things.

I read the list and thought, "Are you serious? You're telling me I shouldn't polish my high school trophies (that are still on display), or play Wii, or go on and on about how my mother is my best friend? Really? Thanks MSN. You've been so helpful!"

Then it occurred to me that while everything that was listed should have been common sense, there might be guys out there who don't realize any of that stuff could (and should) send a girl running. Sure, those guys are complete idiots, but complete idiots need love too. So, to help the complete idiots out, I've come up with my own list of things you should never do in front of a woman. The things on this list should be common sense as well, but you never know.

Native Minnow's dating advice
When you're with a woman* you should never . . .
. . . do jumping jacks.
. . . apply hemorrhoid cream.
. . . shoot heroin.
. . . cook human flesh.
. . . choke a midget.
. . . watch bestiality porn.
. . . shave your balls.
. . . have sex with the neighborhood crack whore.
. . . kick a homeless man.
. . . spit on a retarded person.
. . . expose yourself to a small child.
. . . let the dog (or cat) lick peanut butter off your schlong.
. . . kidnap somebody**.
. . . direct a snuff film.
. . . shit your pants.


I hope the list helps.





*Unless you're married, in which case you no longer need to impress her, so feel free to do any of these.

**Or write a ransom note for someone you've already kidnapped.