It's been a while since I've come up with a good pick up line to pass on to you, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of coming up with them. Take the other night for example when I came up with one that was good enough that my friend called our server over to have me see whether she'd go for it.
She came to our table, and he said, "He's got a line you need to hear, but let me give you the set-up first. A girl walked in a little while ago and she had a nice body, but then I saw her face and it left a lot to be desired. He just came up with a pick up line you can use in those cases. What do you think?"
She said, "Ok, let's hear it."
So I covered my eyes and said, "Baby, I don't even care what you look like, I just want to stick it in."
I implore you to go ahead and try it. Let me know how it works.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Love Bites
I drink water when I hang out with my friends. That stuff makes it's way through one's system pretty quickly. Tonight was no exception, so I found myself needing to go to the restroom several times. On one of my trips, the jukebox started playing Def Leppard.
I found myself standing at the urinal singing, "I don't want to touch you too much baby, but making love to you might drive me crazy."
Luckily the bathroom was empty.
Even so, I've never felt so gay in my entire life.
I found myself standing at the urinal singing, "I don't want to touch you too much baby, but making love to you might drive me crazy."
Luckily the bathroom was empty.
Even so, I've never felt so gay in my entire life.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Junky Jews Sing The Blues
In the cabin last weekend:
Guy 1: You're really not a very good Jew, are you?
Guy 2: I'm not a Jew.
Guy 1: As I understand Judaism, if your mother is a Jew, that makes you a Jew.
Guy 2: One of my moms is a Jew. My mom's lesbian lover is a Jew. I don't carry her mitochondrial DNA, so I'm not Jewish.
They came to me for a decision. You know, because I am so very wise. Much like King Solomon.
Me: Are they married?
Guy 2: Yes. In the state of California.
Me: Do you call her Mom?
Guy 2: Yes.
Me: You're a Jew.
Guy 2: But I don't know the kosher way to kill a sheep. And I've never stood at the Weeping Wall.
Guy 1: It's the Wailing Wall, you jackass. You're a bad Jew.
Guy 1: You're really not a very good Jew, are you?
Guy 2: I'm not a Jew.
Guy 1: As I understand Judaism, if your mother is a Jew, that makes you a Jew.
Guy 2: One of my moms is a Jew. My mom's lesbian lover is a Jew. I don't carry her mitochondrial DNA, so I'm not Jewish.
They came to me for a decision. You know, because I am so very wise. Much like King Solomon.
Me: Are they married?
Guy 2: Yes. In the state of California.
Me: Do you call her Mom?
Guy 2: Yes.
Me: You're a Jew.
Guy 2: But I don't know the kosher way to kill a sheep. And I've never stood at the Weeping Wall.
Guy 1: It's the Wailing Wall, you jackass. You're a bad Jew.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes
One of my friends is in school to become a nurse. She's beautiful, so basically the kind of nurse every guy wishes he'd get when going to the hospital but never does. She and I have a running joke that she can be my sugar mama when she finishes her degree and gets a job. Last time I talked to her the subject came up again.
Me: Just think, we could move into a house, and you could pay the mortgage and all the utilities.
Her: What would you pay for?
Me: Well, let's see. I could still cover my car payment.
Her: That's not very much.
Me: Maybe I could pay my auto insurance too.
Her: What else?*
Me: I guess I could also pay for condoms. And lube.
Her: Wait, doesn't a little bit of lube go a long way?
Me: That depends.
*She must've been struggling with the concept of what a sugar mama is/does.
Me: Just think, we could move into a house, and you could pay the mortgage and all the utilities.
Her: What would you pay for?
Me: Well, let's see. I could still cover my car payment.
Her: That's not very much.
Me: Maybe I could pay my auto insurance too.
Her: What else?*
Me: I guess I could also pay for condoms. And lube.
Her: Wait, doesn't a little bit of lube go a long way?
Me: That depends.
*She must've been struggling with the concept of what a sugar mama is/does.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I asked a toothless man who all these people were
Yesterday I went to the dentist for the first time in six years. I decided that it's time to quit putting it off - anything that needed to be fixed was only going to get more expensive the longer I waited. With the amount of sugar I consume, I was expecting to need about ten cavities filled, so imagine my surprise when I didn't have a single one. That's right, six sugar filled years, and not one cavity. My teeth rock, even if they are crooked.
I still need to get some other work done, and it could get expensive since I don't have insurance, but I won't go into all that here.
What I will get into here is that I knew the dentist's son. I taught him in two classes a few years ago, and even wrote him a letter of recommendation for dental school. He got interviews, but the last time I talked to him he'd had to skip them because his mother died unexpectedly. I told him that I was sure they'd let him reschedule, and heard through common acquaintances that he'd started dental school somewhere, but never knew where.
So, after my exam, I told the guy that I knew his son. He got really excited and started telling me all about what he was doing now. While we talked, his receptionist was taking care of another patient, but she asked me how I knew the guy's son. I told her that I'd been his instructor for one class and TA for another, and the woman that she'd been helping before me leaned over to mutter something to the receptionist.
Since I was standing four feet away, I heard it all.
"Why couldn't my teachers have looked like him when I was in college? I never would've missed a class. I'd have been there every day, sitting in the front row. When he'd call [My Name] during roll call, I'd have put my hand in the air and said 'mmm mmm right here'."
Just had to throw that out there because it's been a while since I last offered proof that I am sexy.
I still need to get some other work done, and it could get expensive since I don't have insurance, but I won't go into all that here.
What I will get into here is that I knew the dentist's son. I taught him in two classes a few years ago, and even wrote him a letter of recommendation for dental school. He got interviews, but the last time I talked to him he'd had to skip them because his mother died unexpectedly. I told him that I was sure they'd let him reschedule, and heard through common acquaintances that he'd started dental school somewhere, but never knew where.
So, after my exam, I told the guy that I knew his son. He got really excited and started telling me all about what he was doing now. While we talked, his receptionist was taking care of another patient, but she asked me how I knew the guy's son. I told her that I'd been his instructor for one class and TA for another, and the woman that she'd been helping before me leaned over to mutter something to the receptionist.
Since I was standing four feet away, I heard it all.
"Why couldn't my teachers have looked like him when I was in college? I never would've missed a class. I'd have been there every day, sitting in the front row. When he'd call [My Name] during roll call, I'd have put my hand in the air and said 'mmm mmm right here'."
Just had to throw that out there because it's been a while since I last offered proof that I am sexy.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
No phone no phone I just want to be alone today
One of my rules in life is that I don't answer my cell phone if it rings while I'm in the bathroom. Frankly, I don't see how any call* is important enough that I have to pick up if I'm taking a leak (or a dump). I figure that if someone's calling me, they'll be close to their phone in another two minutes when I'm finished up and I can call back then.
Yesterday a friend called while I was taking a leak. I called him back when I left the bathroom.
Him: Hello?
Me: Sorry, I couldn't pick up because I had my wiener in my hand.
Him: . . .
*There are two exceptions to this rule: I pick up if Dr. Psycho or Silent Kid call. I do it then just so I can tell them and get a reaction. They should feel special.
Yesterday a friend called while I was taking a leak. I called him back when I left the bathroom.
Him: Hello?
Me: Sorry, I couldn't pick up because I had my wiener in my hand.
Him: . . .
*There are two exceptions to this rule: I pick up if Dr. Psycho or Silent Kid call. I do it then just so I can tell them and get a reaction. They should feel special.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I've been here, I've been there
Reasons why the Republican Party thinks Sarah Palin is more qualified than me when it comes to foreign policy experience:
- She can see Russia from Alaska if she wants to.
Reasons why I am also qualified to be Vice President if lame crap like that counts:
- I knew where LIbya was on a map at pub trivia the other night.
- Sometimes I eat sandwiches with Swiss cheese on them.
- I like red Swedish fish the best, but have eaten all the different colors.
- I love me some German chocolate cake.
- I spent a day in Tijuana when I was seventeen.
- A gay "Hungarian" hit on me once.
- She can see Russia from Alaska if she wants to.
Reasons why I am also qualified to be Vice President if lame crap like that counts:
- I knew where LIbya was on a map at pub trivia the other night.
- Sometimes I eat sandwiches with Swiss cheese on them.
- I like red Swedish fish the best, but have eaten all the different colors.
- I love me some German chocolate cake.
- I spent a day in Tijuana when I was seventeen.
- A gay "Hungarian" hit on me once.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
You can always be your own girl
Things Tortellini doesn't want to be when she grows up, according to an assignment she handed in for English class:
1. A professional athlete
2. A massage therapist
3. A prostitute
Number three is such a relief.
1. A professional athlete
2. A massage therapist
3. A prostitute
Number three is such a relief.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wish I was much more masculine maybe then I could learn to swim
Girl: You should come swimming with me. It will help you lose that belly.
Me: I'd be too embarrassed to swim in that pool because everyone there knows what they're doing, and I don't, so my form is really bad.
Girl: Why? Do you swim with your head out of the water?
Me: No. Well, I guess I do sometimes when I breathe.
Girl: You're supposed to barely lift your head to the side, like this. [Gives demonstration]
Me: I know that, but don't always do it.
Girl: Well, I work with kids, so if you come with me I can help you with your form.
Guy (chiming in): And my wife works with retards, so between the two of them, they should have you pretty much covered.
Me: I'd be too embarrassed to swim in that pool because everyone there knows what they're doing, and I don't, so my form is really bad.
Girl: Why? Do you swim with your head out of the water?
Me: No. Well, I guess I do sometimes when I breathe.
Girl: You're supposed to barely lift your head to the side, like this. [Gives demonstration]
Me: I know that, but don't always do it.
Girl: Well, I work with kids, so if you come with me I can help you with your form.
Guy (chiming in): And my wife works with retards, so between the two of them, they should have you pretty much covered.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
May be too humble to wanna speak, may have a blood soaked bird in its teeth
[Note, in order to fully understand this post, you should first listen to the following portion of a Dave Attell stand-up routine. It's kind of long, and while I recommend you listen to all of it (after all, he's a funny man), skipping to the eight and a half minute mark gets you to the relevant joke.]
A few weeks ago at the gym
Friend: If a guy just walked by me in the locker room totally naked, then a few minutes later passed by again with his penis flapping around, does that mean I needed to get out of there?
Me: Absolutely. Wait, was he running?
Friend: No. The first time he passed me he was walking, but the second time he was kind of doing this jog/shuffle thing. But his penis was definitely flapping. Did that mean something bad was coming from that direction?
Me: Not if he wasn't running full speed. In that case you just need to be wary, and pay attention to your surroundings. If he's running full speed? That's when you need to worry. If/when that happens, don't even grab anything, except your car keys if they're handy, just get out of there.
A few weeks ago at the gym
Friend: If a guy just walked by me in the locker room totally naked, then a few minutes later passed by again with his penis flapping around, does that mean I needed to get out of there?
Me: Absolutely. Wait, was he running?
Friend: No. The first time he passed me he was walking, but the second time he was kind of doing this jog/shuffle thing. But his penis was definitely flapping. Did that mean something bad was coming from that direction?
Me: Not if he wasn't running full speed. In that case you just need to be wary, and pay attention to your surroundings. If he's running full speed? That's when you need to worry. If/when that happens, don't even grab anything, except your car keys if they're handy, just get out of there.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Ferraris and Benzes keep your girlfriend lost in a maze of luxury
A car like this one pulled up next to me at a stop light the other day:
I noticed for the first time that these have a 12 cylinder engine. I wondered aloud what the gas mileage was like for a 12 cylinder, and my friend and I agreed that it couldn't get many miles to the gallon. My friend pointed out that it probably did, however, get a lot of Poon Per Gallon (PPG).
I concur.
So, for those of you who are considering a new vehicle purchase, and PPG is high on your list of priorities, I give you Native Minnow's Guide To Shopping For A New Vehicle*.
Vehicles with a very high PPG rating:
Bugatti Veyron
Ferrari F430 Scuderia
Lamborghini Gallardo
Ducati Superbike
Vehicles with a very low PPG rating:
1970's Disco Van
White Trash Stretch Limo
Redneck Hearse
Honda Trail 90
You're welcome. Happy shopping!
*All images have been shamelessly lifted from the interweb with no credit given for the source. They are not pictures I took in my garage.
I noticed for the first time that these have a 12 cylinder engine. I wondered aloud what the gas mileage was like for a 12 cylinder, and my friend and I agreed that it couldn't get many miles to the gallon. My friend pointed out that it probably did, however, get a lot of Poon Per Gallon (PPG).
I concur.
So, for those of you who are considering a new vehicle purchase, and PPG is high on your list of priorities, I give you Native Minnow's Guide To Shopping For A New Vehicle*.
Vehicles with a very high PPG rating:
Bugatti Veyron
Ferrari F430 Scuderia
Lamborghini Gallardo
Ducati Superbike
Vehicles with a very low PPG rating:
1970's Disco Van
White Trash Stretch Limo
Redneck Hearse
Honda Trail 90
You're welcome. Happy shopping!
*All images have been shamelessly lifted from the interweb with no credit given for the source. They are not pictures I took in my garage.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace
If you ever needed a reason to not leave your cell phone unattended while in my presence, here's one for you: I was at a party Saturday night, someone left their phone on the table, and I just couldn't resist playing around once they received a text - even though I didn't know for sure whose phone it was or the girl they'd received the text from.
Girl: Whatcha doin' tonight?
Me: A couple of midgets and some creamed corn.
Girl: What a strange coincidence. I'm doing the exact same thing! Who's with you?*
Me: Two Asians, a Mexican and a parapalegic.
Girl: You should come over here.
Me: I'm trying, but the parapalegic makes things difficult.
Girl: You're not really hanging out with a parapalegic. If you are, bring them along.
Me: But what will the midgets think?
Girl: They can come too. We love midgets AND parapalegics.
Me: What about trannies? A few of them just showed up.
Girl: We've got way better than trannies over here. Trust me.
That's about the time that my friend realized what was going on, and made me straighten things out by letting them know it wasn't him that was texting. He suggested that if things were as good as they claimed, maybe we should head over to where they were, but we didn't.
*I'm going off memory since I don't have the actual texts, so many of these aren't verbatim, and I'm probably forgetting a few of them, but you get the point.
Girl: Whatcha doin' tonight?
Me: A couple of midgets and some creamed corn.
Girl: What a strange coincidence. I'm doing the exact same thing! Who's with you?*
Me: Two Asians, a Mexican and a parapalegic.
Girl: You should come over here.
Me: I'm trying, but the parapalegic makes things difficult.
Girl: You're not really hanging out with a parapalegic. If you are, bring them along.
Me: But what will the midgets think?
Girl: They can come too. We love midgets AND parapalegics.
Me: What about trannies? A few of them just showed up.
Girl: We've got way better than trannies over here. Trust me.
That's about the time that my friend realized what was going on, and made me straighten things out by letting them know it wasn't him that was texting. He suggested that if things were as good as they claimed, maybe we should head over to where they were, but we didn't.
*I'm going off memory since I don't have the actual texts, so many of these aren't verbatim, and I'm probably forgetting a few of them, but you get the point.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Teenage angst has paid off well now I'm bored and old
Friend: I tried that pizza place you told me about.
Me: Yeah? What'd you think.
Friend: It was pretty good. A little spendy though.
Me: Yeah. You don't want to take your three kids there and then pick up something for your ex-wife and her husband. As a matter of fact, you don't want three kids and an ex-wife.
Friend: I was just gonna' say . . .
----------------Same Friend Different Day----------------
Friend: Wait, how old is [Tortellini] again?
Me: Fourteen.
Friend: That means in another four years you'll be done paying child support for her, right?
Me: Right.
Friend: Then how long until you're done paying child support altogether?
Me: [Togers] turns eighteen in six years, so that's it*.
Friend: Wow. I haven't even started paying my child support** yet.
*Except for the fact that college tuition will be due around that time.
**This friend has never been married, nor has he fathered a child, so this is not meant to imply that he's a deadbeat.
Me: Yeah? What'd you think.
Friend: It was pretty good. A little spendy though.
Me: Yeah. You don't want to take your three kids there and then pick up something for your ex-wife and her husband. As a matter of fact, you don't want three kids and an ex-wife.
Friend: I was just gonna' say . . .
----------------Same Friend Different Day----------------
Friend: Wait, how old is [Tortellini] again?
Me: Fourteen.
Friend: That means in another four years you'll be done paying child support for her, right?
Me: Right.
Friend: Then how long until you're done paying child support altogether?
Me: [Togers] turns eighteen in six years, so that's it*.
Friend: Wow. I haven't even started paying my child support** yet.
*Except for the fact that college tuition will be due around that time.
**This friend has never been married, nor has he fathered a child, so this is not meant to imply that he's a deadbeat.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Candy Baby
Friend: That girl's kind of cute.
Me: I agree.
Friend: She's got kind of a bubbly butt, but in a good way.
Me: Not in a farting in the bathtub kind of way?
Friend: . . .
Me: I agree.
Friend: She's got kind of a bubbly butt, but in a good way.
Me: Not in a farting in the bathtub kind of way?
Friend: . . .
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
A vandal had written that Jesus knows just how you feel when you're falling asleep, asleep at the wheel
Even though this is Sin City, there are many people here who are religious fanatics, or at least profess to be.
I give you the following as an example:
To which I would counter, "Real men know how to spell the word 'their'."
I give you the following as an example:
To which I would counter, "Real men know how to spell the word 'their'."
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Love you soft and love you sweet
Friend: What're your plans for tonight?
Me: I have to go to the opening social because I promised that I would, but I don't have anything going on after that. Why?
Friend: Want to go ogle some women with me? I have an extra ticket to a concert at the Hard Rock tonight if you want to go.
Me: Sure, why not?
And wouldn't you know it? Sure enough there was some ogling of some women going on. But that wasn't all, and we weren't the only ones doing the ogling.
Midway through the concert:
Me: Ha! You just got checked out by a gay dude.
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, he's right back there if you want to look.
Friend: I don't want to look and run the risk of making eye contact. But, how do you know he was checking me out and not you?
Me: Because I turned around and he was staring at your butt. Then he looked you up and down a couple of times.
Friend: Are you sure?
Me: I'm sure. I know that look. I've given that look. So have you. It's unmistakeable.
Friend: Well, was he at least good looking?
Me: I have to go to the opening social because I promised that I would, but I don't have anything going on after that. Why?
Friend: Want to go ogle some women with me? I have an extra ticket to a concert at the Hard Rock tonight if you want to go.
Me: Sure, why not?
And wouldn't you know it? Sure enough there was some ogling of some women going on. But that wasn't all, and we weren't the only ones doing the ogling.
Midway through the concert:
Me: Ha! You just got checked out by a gay dude.
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, he's right back there if you want to look.
Friend: I don't want to look and run the risk of making eye contact. But, how do you know he was checking me out and not you?
Me: Because I turned around and he was staring at your butt. Then he looked you up and down a couple of times.
Friend: Are you sure?
Me: I'm sure. I know that look. I've given that look. So have you. It's unmistakeable.
Friend: Well, was he at least good looking?
Friday, August 29, 2008
At least as old as you are as you walk away
Mr M started Kindergarten yesterday. My ex-wife called after she dropped him off. She said that he normally likes to hold her hand when they're walking together, but wouldn't when they got out of the car. Until the walked into the building. He got a little nervous and reached up to grab her hand. Once they were in the classroom, the teacher told him he could go play with the other kids on the playground, he ran off without even saying goodbye to his mom or step-dad, and that was that. His mom cried. He had fun.
His step-dad told me yesterday afternoon that when Mr M was getting ready in the morning, he commented that he didn't want to wear a shirt to school because he wanted the kids in his class to be able to see his muscles (pronounced musk-ulls). I think we may have a young jock on our hands.
His step-dad told me yesterday afternoon that when Mr M was getting ready in the morning, he commented that he didn't want to wear a shirt to school because he wanted the kids in his class to be able to see his muscles (pronounced musk-ulls). I think we may have a young jock on our hands.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Sheep Go To Heaven, Goats Go To Hell
A few weeks ago one of my friends and I drove to a nearby concert venue to pick up some tickets. Once we got the tickets, she asked if I'd mind driving her somewhere else before going back to campus.
Her: Would you mind taking me to [cross streets].
Me: That's fine. What do you need to go there for?
Her: I'll tell you when we get there. Otherwise you won't take me.
Me: Do you have an OB/GYN appointment?
Her: No. You'll see when we get there.
A few minutes later I pulled into the parking lot.
Me: Oh, it's that knitting store over there, isn't it?
Her: Yes.
Me (laughing hysterically): Seriously? Woolly Wonders?
Her: Is that you?
Me: No. It's trimmed, so it's really not that woolly.
Her: Or that wondrous?
Her: Would you mind taking me to [cross streets].
Me: That's fine. What do you need to go there for?
Her: I'll tell you when we get there. Otherwise you won't take me.
Me: Do you have an OB/GYN appointment?
Her: No. You'll see when we get there.
A few minutes later I pulled into the parking lot.
Me: Oh, it's that knitting store over there, isn't it?
Her: Yes.
Me (laughing hysterically): Seriously? Woolly Wonders?
Her: Is that you?
Me: No. It's trimmed, so it's really not that woolly.
Her: Or that wondrous?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
School's out forever
Me: I always get so bored teaching this lab because nobody ever asks me any questions. So, even if you don't have questions, could you guys ask some anyway?
Student: Don't you have something else you could do?
Me: Yeah, but I want to make sure that I'm not neglecting anybody.
None of them had questions, so I started downloading DNA sequences.
Five minutes later:
Same Student As Before: I have a question for you.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm busy.
Student: Don't you have something else you could do?
Me: Yeah, but I want to make sure that I'm not neglecting anybody.
None of them had questions, so I started downloading DNA sequences.
Five minutes later:
Same Student As Before: I have a question for you.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm busy.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The ghost of you lingers
My graduating class recently had the 15 year reunion. I didn't go because the brilliant minds who organized it held it on a Wednesday night. (Seriously, who holds something like that on a weekday?) In the weeks leading up to the reunion, one of my old friends from high school took the lead at setting up a web site for our class. I grew up in a small town, so there are only around 70 people to list, so it's not unmanageable.
The guy who set up the site is a prime example of why I hate politicians though. I'm not sure exactly what he does, but he lives in Washington D.C. and works for one of the senators or congressmen for the state of Utah. I can't remember which. I just remember being annoyed at our 10 year reunion when he asked if I was a "good biologist or a bad biologist." When I asked what he meant by that he responded, "Well, do you think the endangered species act is a good thing?" Knowing that he was conservative, I just said, "I guess that makes me a bad biologist in your eyes because I do think it's a good thing."
One of our former classmates died about a year after we graduated, or maybe it was that summer. I didn't know him all that well, I just remember hearing that he had drowned and thinking that it was sad that he was so young. Someone else from my class alerted Politics Guy to the fact that this guy had passed, so Politics Guy put this on the site he set up for the class:
That last part really annoyed me. Yeah, [Politics Guy], you obviously knew [The Deceased] quite well. You know, since he's been dead nearly FIFTEEN YEARS and you didn't even know.
The guy who set up the site is a prime example of why I hate politicians though. I'm not sure exactly what he does, but he lives in Washington D.C. and works for one of the senators or congressmen for the state of Utah. I can't remember which. I just remember being annoyed at our 10 year reunion when he asked if I was a "good biologist or a bad biologist." When I asked what he meant by that he responded, "Well, do you think the endangered species act is a good thing?" Knowing that he was conservative, I just said, "I guess that makes me a bad biologist in your eyes because I do think it's a good thing."
One of our former classmates died about a year after we graduated, or maybe it was that summer. I didn't know him all that well, I just remember hearing that he had drowned and thinking that it was sad that he was so young. Someone else from my class alerted Politics Guy to the fact that this guy had passed, so Politics Guy put this on the site he set up for the class:
His death was reported by another classmate. If you have details on his passing, please e-mail [Politics Guy] ASAP -- especially if he's still alive. But then knowing [The Deceased] (if he's alive), he might find it humorous to read about his own death. Thanks!
That last part really annoyed me. Yeah, [Politics Guy], you obviously knew [The Deceased] quite well. You know, since he's been dead nearly FIFTEEN YEARS and you didn't even know.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Happy hours, golden showers
Yesterday the power went out and our side of campus was affected. Luckily, the back up generator kicked on and all the necessary equipment was still powered, as were the emergency lights in the halls. However, it was still quite dark. As I walked through a dimly lit hallway, one of the post-docs saw me and asked, "What did you do?"
"I flexed."
As luck would have it, I really needed to pee, but apparently bathrooms are not considered to be emergency areas. It was pitch black with a sign on the door saying the bathroom was out of order. I ignored the sign and went in anyway. The door was propped open, so a little bit of light came in from the hallway, which was nice, but presented me with a problem. Should I pee in a urinal I could see, knowing full well that anyone could see me from the hallway? Or should I pee in a urinal I couldn't see, knowing that I'd be safely out of view, but would also be running the risk of missing the urinal?
I suppose now would be an appropriate (?) time to let you in on a little secret. I have stage fright. I'm unable to pee if there is someone standing near me. I don't know why this is, but I blame one of my brother's old college roommates (the red-headed guy in this story). I figured my stage fright might manifest itself in this situation, knowing the door behind me was open might prevent me from accomplishing the task at hand, so I opted for peeing in the dark.
You'll be happy to know that I emerged from the darkened bathroom with dry feet.
"I flexed."
As luck would have it, I really needed to pee, but apparently bathrooms are not considered to be emergency areas. It was pitch black with a sign on the door saying the bathroom was out of order. I ignored the sign and went in anyway. The door was propped open, so a little bit of light came in from the hallway, which was nice, but presented me with a problem. Should I pee in a urinal I could see, knowing full well that anyone could see me from the hallway? Or should I pee in a urinal I couldn't see, knowing that I'd be safely out of view, but would also be running the risk of missing the urinal?
I suppose now would be an appropriate (?) time to let you in on a little secret. I have stage fright. I'm unable to pee if there is someone standing near me. I don't know why this is, but I blame one of my brother's old college roommates (the red-headed guy in this story). I figured my stage fright might manifest itself in this situation, knowing the door behind me was open might prevent me from accomplishing the task at hand, so I opted for peeing in the dark.
You'll be happy to know that I emerged from the darkened bathroom with dry feet.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Hey Pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me?
Friend: You've got to get a rear suspension bike. It's so much better.
Me: I'd like one, but can't afford it right now.
Friend: It makes such a big difference when you're riding though. You'd go down parts of the trail that you don't dare do now without even thinking twice about it.
Me: I don't know about that, but I'm sure it makes a difference.
Friend: Seriously, it's like the difference between getting your first hand job and getting your first blow job.
I have got to get myself a rear suspension bike.
Me: I'd like one, but can't afford it right now.
Friend: It makes such a big difference when you're riding though. You'd go down parts of the trail that you don't dare do now without even thinking twice about it.
Me: I don't know about that, but I'm sure it makes a difference.
Friend: Seriously, it's like the difference between getting your first hand job and getting your first blow job.
I have got to get myself a rear suspension bike.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
We gonna crash into the sun
Lately I've been getting a lot more sun than normal. I also haven't been as good about putting on sun block as I normally am. I didn't think it was anything to be concerned about because I haven't been getting sunburned. However, today I looked at my arm and noticed several new freckles. I instantly doubted my cavalier attitude toward sunblock application. After all, isn't the appearance of new spots on your skin one of the first signs of melanoma?
Upon further inspection (read: I licked my finger and rubbed the spots), I realized they were not freckles at all, but soy sauce that apparently splashed on my arm when I dropped my nigiri at lunch today.
Whew! Crisis averted.
Upon further inspection (read: I licked my finger and rubbed the spots), I realized they were not freckles at all, but soy sauce that apparently splashed on my arm when I dropped my nigiri at lunch today.
Whew! Crisis averted.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
How was I supposed to know?
Mr M: [Togers], we got the U-Haul today, and it is BIG.
Togers: I bet it is.
Mr M: It is really, really big.
Togers: I know, but what else did you do today?
Mr M: No, [Togers], it's bigger than a snake.
So there you have it. A moving truck is officially bigger than a snake. Who knew?
Togers: I bet it is.
Mr M: It is really, really big.
Togers: I know, but what else did you do today?
Mr M: No, [Togers], it's bigger than a snake.
So there you have it. A moving truck is officially bigger than a snake. Who knew?
Monday, August 18, 2008
I can feel it rollin' right on down, right on down my throat
Is it just me, or do I have some serious inconsistencies in my diet?
Saturday, August 16, 2008
My only offer, stifle copies of myself
These are a little late, but they always say better late than never, right? Well, here are the highlights of my evaluations from spring semester. As always, these are actual student responses to the questions they were asked on the evaluation form.
Laboratory Activities
What was your favorite exercise? Why?
- Dissections, because cutting up stuff is fun.
- Field Trip. Not too much gross stuff, interesting and different.
- Yoga; da bomb for real!
- Dissecting Mr. Johnson's* Johnson.
What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Bacteria phylums was sooooooooo borrring.
- Cutting open the grasshopper. They are gross.
- Pig dissections. I like pigs and would rather have a live one than a dead one.
- Dissection of the grasshopper. It's the most disgusting thing. I may never eat rice again.
- Fetal pig, stinks really really bad - actually made me cry with chemicals in my eye.
What is the major weakness of the lab?
- Have [Other TA] as TA. She is rude, racist, have bad languages** in lab. Horrible.
Laboratory Instructor
How would you rate your instructor's ability in making things understandable and their willingness to help?
- Always available and helps butcher the pig.
How could he/she improve?
- Listen to Death Cab For Cutie!
- Don't be a jerk to girls who cry on exams, ok?
- No more quizzes of DEATH.
- Make a clone of himself***
- More cowbell, better molecules.
*I always make my students name their pigs.
**Really? You're going to use that language to criticize someone who "have bad languages in lab"? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
***Looks like that DNA technology is going to be put to another practical use after all.
Laboratory Activities
What was your favorite exercise? Why?
- Dissections, because cutting up stuff is fun.
- Field Trip. Not too much gross stuff, interesting and different.
- Yoga; da bomb for real!
- Dissecting Mr. Johnson's* Johnson.
What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Bacteria phylums was sooooooooo borrring.
- Cutting open the grasshopper. They are gross.
- Pig dissections. I like pigs and would rather have a live one than a dead one.
- Dissection of the grasshopper. It's the most disgusting thing. I may never eat rice again.
- Fetal pig, stinks really really bad - actually made me cry with chemicals in my eye.
What is the major weakness of the lab?
- Have [Other TA] as TA. She is rude, racist, have bad languages** in lab. Horrible.
Laboratory Instructor
How would you rate your instructor's ability in making things understandable and their willingness to help?
- Always available and helps butcher the pig.
How could he/she improve?
- Listen to Death Cab For Cutie!
- Don't be a jerk to girls who cry on exams, ok?
- No more quizzes of DEATH.
- Make a clone of himself***
- More cowbell, better molecules.
*I always make my students name their pigs.
**Really? You're going to use that language to criticize someone who "have bad languages in lab"? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
***Looks like that DNA technology is going to be put to another practical use after all.
Friday, August 15, 2008
In the future, cloners won't make much money
Once again, I give you an example of why it's good to be the guy writing the tests rather than the person who's taking it. Here is the last question on my final exam.
Which of the following is not a practical use of gene technology? (Yet!)
a) Gene therapy
b) Forensics
c) Diagnosis of disease
d) Environmental clean up
e) Formation of a clone army so that [Native Minnow] can someday rule the world.
Which of the following is not a practical use of gene technology? (Yet!)
a) Gene therapy
b) Forensics
c) Diagnosis of disease
d) Environmental clean up
e) Formation of a clone army so that [Native Minnow] can someday rule the world.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Coddle some men they'll remember you bitterly
Last night at my friend's going away party:
Her Gay Roommate (Male): See? That's why I'm single. Relationships are too messed up.
Her Straight Guy Friend: Same here. I don't have a girlfriend because they're such a pain in the ass.
Gay Roommate: Boyfriends are too. Literally.
Her Gay Roommate (Male): See? That's why I'm single. Relationships are too messed up.
Her Straight Guy Friend: Same here. I don't have a girlfriend because they're such a pain in the ass.
Gay Roommate: Boyfriends are too. Literally.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Flat ass broke with no hope for loans, unable to feed me or let alone my clones
Me: Guess what I finally bought.
Girl: I don't know. What?
Me: You have to guess. But here's a hint: It's something that I've wanted for a really, really long time.
Girl: Bunny slippers?
Me: Nope. Guess again.
Girl: A Ouija board?
Me: Seriously? Those are the first two things that come to mind? Guess one more time, then I'll tell you if you don't get it.
Girl: An unabridged dictionary?
Me: You know, none of those can be classified as things I've wanted for a really, really long time.
Girl: What did you buy then?
Me: An ipod*.
Girl: Ooh. You have wanted one of those for a long time.
*I got an ipod touch for $100 off the regular price. At a price so low, I couldn't afford not to buy it**. Mom, Dad, I might need you to pay some of my bills*** later in the month ;-)
**And finally join the modern age.
***Not really.
Girl: I don't know. What?
Me: You have to guess. But here's a hint: It's something that I've wanted for a really, really long time.
Girl: Bunny slippers?
Me: Nope. Guess again.
Girl: A Ouija board?
Me: Seriously? Those are the first two things that come to mind? Guess one more time, then I'll tell you if you don't get it.
Girl: An unabridged dictionary?
Me: You know, none of those can be classified as things I've wanted for a really, really long time.
Girl: What did you buy then?
Me: An ipod*.
Girl: Ooh. You have wanted one of those for a long time.
*I got an ipod touch for $100 off the regular price. At a price so low, I couldn't afford not to buy it**. Mom, Dad, I might need you to pay some of my bills*** later in the month ;-)
**And finally join the modern age.
***Not really.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Never think twice before you kiss me goodbye
Finally, having this blog has paid off in terms of it getting me free stuff. Here's an email I received from a band that's trying to get their name out: Community Gun.
----------------Begin Message----------------
Hello Native Minnow. If you like, our rock/blues/indie/folk/punk EP is up for free at www.sonicbids.com/communitygun or you can also listen/download it off Garageband at http://www.garageband.com/user/communitygun/podcast.
Sorry for any inconvenience and thanks for your time. Peace, Community Gun
www.myspace.com/communitygun
"Tom Waits meets The Mats." For the Sake of the Song
"Like Beck with a blues riff." The Scott Fuller Show
"Wicked, bad-ass...not signed to any label but really should be." The Dust Congress
-----------------End Message-----------------
How they happened to stumble upon my blog I have no idea, but I'm glad they did.
I've downloaded the free mp3 files they have posted, and their music is pretty good. I particularly like the song Before She Goes. There's definitely a Tom Waits influence over their music. But don't take my word for it, go to either of the addresses they provided and check it out for yourself. It's free. After all, who doesn't like free stuff?
----------------Begin Message----------------
Hello Native Minnow. If you like, our rock/blues/indie/folk/punk EP is up for free at www.sonicbids.com/communitygun or you can also listen/download it off Garageband at http://www.garageband.com/user/communitygun/podcast.
Sorry for any inconvenience and thanks for your time. Peace, Community Gun
www.myspace.com/communitygun
"Tom Waits meets The Mats." For the Sake of the Song
"Like Beck with a blues riff." The Scott Fuller Show
"Wicked, bad-ass...not signed to any label but really should be." The Dust Congress
-----------------End Message-----------------
How they happened to stumble upon my blog I have no idea, but I'm glad they did.
I've downloaded the free mp3 files they have posted, and their music is pretty good. I particularly like the song Before She Goes. There's definitely a Tom Waits influence over their music. But don't take my word for it, go to either of the addresses they provided and check it out for yourself. It's free. After all, who doesn't like free stuff?
Saturday, August 09, 2008
You're the firestarter, twisted firestarter
A friend came over to watch the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics last night. He picked up some Thai food on the way over. (We thought it might be more appropriate to get Chinese take out, but couldn't think of a good Chinese restaurant near my house.) My friend is vegan, so I told him just to get veggie or tofu dishes and if Togers didn't like it he could heat something else up. Of course, I didn't tell Togers he was eating tofu because I didn't want to give him any reason not to try it. He liked it. I told him that automatically made him a hippy. It's a slippery slope.
When I told Togers why we got tofu, and asked him if he knew what it meant to be vegan, he said he didn't. So, I explained it to him: Being vegan means you're not allowed to eat anything that doesn't have chopped up babies in it.
Later, during the parade of athletes, my friend and I had this brief exchange:
Friend: Holy crap! How many athletes did Brazil send?
Me: Looks like there's a Brazillion* of them.
As the parade continued, we began to speculate about the lighting of the torch.
Friend: How do you think they'll light it this time?
Me: Well, they're going to try to top the archer shooting a flaming arrow to light it. My guess is that they'll set a Tibetan monk on fire and throw him into the cauldron.
Togers laughed hard. A little too hard. I might be raising a homicidal maniac. I have no idea where he gets it.
*That joke never gets old.
When I told Togers why we got tofu, and asked him if he knew what it meant to be vegan, he said he didn't. So, I explained it to him: Being vegan means you're not allowed to eat anything that doesn't have chopped up babies in it.
Later, during the parade of athletes, my friend and I had this brief exchange:
Friend: Holy crap! How many athletes did Brazil send?
Me: Looks like there's a Brazillion* of them.
As the parade continued, we began to speculate about the lighting of the torch.
Friend: How do you think they'll light it this time?
Me: Well, they're going to try to top the archer shooting a flaming arrow to light it. My guess is that they'll set a Tibetan monk on fire and throw him into the cauldron.
Togers laughed hard. A little too hard. I might be raising a homicidal maniac. I have no idea where he gets it.
*That joke never gets old.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Boy you look like someone I used to know
Here's an email exchange I had yesterday with one of my best friends from high school:
Him: What are you doing today? Wanna go drag main?
Me: I'd love to drag main, but not at these gas prices, and only if I can meet up with [our high school crushes].
Him: We can peddle ourselves around if you want, like real old school days.
Me: I call handlebars.
Him: How are you gonna get the handlebars when we are on a unicycle?
Him: What are you doing today? Wanna go drag main?
Me: I'd love to drag main, but not at these gas prices, and only if I can meet up with [our high school crushes].
Him: We can peddle ourselves around if you want, like real old school days.
Me: I call handlebars.
Him: How are you gonna get the handlebars when we are on a unicycle?
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
My life is totally boring without you around
Togers is staying with me for the next week or two. It's nice having him around, although, I don't feel like a very good dad when I'm leaving him home all day while I'm at work. His mom called me yesterday to see what he was up to. I said, "I don't know, I'm at work, but there's a 30% chance he's reading, a 30% chance he's watching TV, a 30% chance he's playing Halo, and a 10% chance he's sleeping."
I try to make up for it when I'm home. Like last night when I took him to the grocery store with me. Tell me that's not fun and exciting for a twelve year old. Wait, it's not? Fine, how about taking him to see The Dark Knight at an IMAX theater? Is that better?
As we were waiting in line, my friend and I told Togers that he was going to have to start earning his keep while he stays with me. His job? When we go out in public, we'll point out an attractive woman, then he has to go stand by them, let his lower lip quiver and say, "H-h-have you seen my d-d-d-d-dad?"
Granted, twelve might be a little old for that to work, but Mr M isn't down here right now, so I have to work with what I've got.
I try to make up for it when I'm home. Like last night when I took him to the grocery store with me. Tell me that's not fun and exciting for a twelve year old. Wait, it's not? Fine, how about taking him to see The Dark Knight at an IMAX theater? Is that better?
As we were waiting in line, my friend and I told Togers that he was going to have to start earning his keep while he stays with me. His job? When we go out in public, we'll point out an attractive woman, then he has to go stand by them, let his lower lip quiver and say, "H-h-have you seen my d-d-d-d-dad?"
Granted, twelve might be a little old for that to work, but Mr M isn't down here right now, so I have to work with what I've got.
Monday, August 04, 2008
If you're down with P, well then you're down with me
Well, since everybody seems to want to hear that one story about that one time that one guy ate that one perch and then went to that one hospital to get that one stomach pumped, I s'pose I'll tell it.
I took a biology class my freshman year of high school. My seat was at one of the tables in the back of the room (which really has no bearing on this story at all other than to let you know how the 'planning stages' of the incident got as far as they did before the teacher found out). One of the kids at the very back table, we'll call him PerchEater, was constantly trying to do things so that people would think he was cool. You know the type: He came from a broken home, his family was poor, his mom worked a lot so he was attention starved*, so basically just like my kids.
Fridays were dissection days. Or maybe Mondays were dissection days. Or Tuesdays. Who cares? The only point of relevance is that one of those days of the week we dissected things, and one of those weeks of the school year the thing we dissected was a yellow perch. Midway through the class period, PerchEater went around asking those of us who were seated around him how much we'd give him if he ate the perch. Of course, none of us were thinking about the possible ramifications of what injesting something that had been fixed in formalin and preserved in carosafe were, We just thought it'd be gross to watch him do it, so of course we all offered to pitch in. I told him I'd give him $10, some kids said $5 and others as much as $20 - adding up to a grand total somewhere around $200.
Once the total he had coming to him for his performance had reached the max (i.e., nobody else was willing to add to the pot), PerchEater decided it was time to deliver. However, our teacher began to suspect that something was up and started asking what was going on. Somebody told him and he put the kaibosh on it right then and there. Noone was going to eat a perch in his classroom. We were all disappointed, and justifiably so. We'd just had what would probably be the grossest thing we'd ever see anyone do throughout the course of the entire year yanked away from us. What a Quaker.
Well, then, imagine our surprise when the bell rang and we all filed out in the hallway only to see PerchEater procure the specimen from the pocket of his blue jeans. It seemed that there might be a show after all. After briefly asking around to make sure the deal still stood, PerchEater tipped his head back and lowered the fish into his mouth headfirst. I don't know exactly how he thought it would go down, maybe he'd seen to many movies with bachelors swallowing goldfish**, but I guess he thought it would slide right down his esophagus. It didn't. It just got stuck. Then he gagged, and the whole fish came flying up out of his mouth. PerchEater must have had very good reflexes, because he caught the perch mid-air, looked at it and then bit its head off and began chewing. About three bites in, our biology teacher came out of the classroom to see what all the fuss was about, found out that he'd eaten about half a perch, and grabbed him and ran down the hall. Later we found out that he went and called an ambulance and had PerchEater taken to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.
PerchEater missed the next couple days of school. Presumably because he was recovering from either the procedure at the hospital, the beating his mom gave him when he got home, or both. When he came back to class, there was no mention of the money we all owed him. I figured I'd wait until my next paycheck (my paychecks were very small in those days, so $10 was a lot of scratch) and then pay up, but by the end of the month had pretty much forgotten about it. PerchEater moved a month or two after that, so I never gave him the money I owed. If I had a current address I'd mail him the money today.
*I really have no idea if any of the background information I gave you about PerchEater is true. I barely knew him - I don't even remember his last name.
**Not the crackers.
I took a biology class my freshman year of high school. My seat was at one of the tables in the back of the room (which really has no bearing on this story at all other than to let you know how the 'planning stages' of the incident got as far as they did before the teacher found out). One of the kids at the very back table, we'll call him PerchEater, was constantly trying to do things so that people would think he was cool. You know the type: He came from a broken home, his family was poor, his mom worked a lot so he was attention starved*, so basically just like my kids.
Fridays were dissection days. Or maybe Mondays were dissection days. Or Tuesdays. Who cares? The only point of relevance is that one of those days of the week we dissected things, and one of those weeks of the school year the thing we dissected was a yellow perch. Midway through the class period, PerchEater went around asking those of us who were seated around him how much we'd give him if he ate the perch. Of course, none of us were thinking about the possible ramifications of what injesting something that had been fixed in formalin and preserved in carosafe were, We just thought it'd be gross to watch him do it, so of course we all offered to pitch in. I told him I'd give him $10, some kids said $5 and others as much as $20 - adding up to a grand total somewhere around $200.
Once the total he had coming to him for his performance had reached the max (i.e., nobody else was willing to add to the pot), PerchEater decided it was time to deliver. However, our teacher began to suspect that something was up and started asking what was going on. Somebody told him and he put the kaibosh on it right then and there. Noone was going to eat a perch in his classroom. We were all disappointed, and justifiably so. We'd just had what would probably be the grossest thing we'd ever see anyone do throughout the course of the entire year yanked away from us. What a Quaker.
Well, then, imagine our surprise when the bell rang and we all filed out in the hallway only to see PerchEater procure the specimen from the pocket of his blue jeans. It seemed that there might be a show after all. After briefly asking around to make sure the deal still stood, PerchEater tipped his head back and lowered the fish into his mouth headfirst. I don't know exactly how he thought it would go down, maybe he'd seen to many movies with bachelors swallowing goldfish**, but I guess he thought it would slide right down his esophagus. It didn't. It just got stuck. Then he gagged, and the whole fish came flying up out of his mouth. PerchEater must have had very good reflexes, because he caught the perch mid-air, looked at it and then bit its head off and began chewing. About three bites in, our biology teacher came out of the classroom to see what all the fuss was about, found out that he'd eaten about half a perch, and grabbed him and ran down the hall. Later we found out that he went and called an ambulance and had PerchEater taken to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.
PerchEater missed the next couple days of school. Presumably because he was recovering from either the procedure at the hospital, the beating his mom gave him when he got home, or both. When he came back to class, there was no mention of the money we all owed him. I figured I'd wait until my next paycheck (my paychecks were very small in those days, so $10 was a lot of scratch) and then pay up, but by the end of the month had pretty much forgotten about it. PerchEater moved a month or two after that, so I never gave him the money I owed. If I had a current address I'd mail him the money today.
*I really have no idea if any of the background information I gave you about PerchEater is true. I barely knew him - I don't even remember his last name.
**Not the crackers.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Don't you know that your life could be lost?
notdory says: how much for Vampire Weekend?
nativeminnow says: $17
notdory says: with fees?
nativeminnow says: I don't know. Probably not.
notdory says: grrr
nativeminnow says: How much do you think fees are? If buying the tickets at the Hard Rock, I wouldn't imagine them being too much, maybe another $3 or so.
notdory says: I was going to say 5 at most.
nativeminnow says: Still, I'd pay $20 to see VW, or $22
notdory says: I guess we need to decide cause [husband] is leaving the next day :(
I wanna go.
nativeminnow says: Me too. Let's put it this way: I'm going, so YOU need to decide.
notdory says: That is so a [Minnow] phrase: let's put it this way.
nativeminnow says: I get it from my mom.
notdory says: I'm putting that on your headstone. Let's put it this way, I'm dead.
nativeminnow says: $17
notdory says: with fees?
nativeminnow says: I don't know. Probably not.
notdory says: grrr
nativeminnow says: How much do you think fees are? If buying the tickets at the Hard Rock, I wouldn't imagine them being too much, maybe another $3 or so.
notdory says: I was going to say 5 at most.
nativeminnow says: Still, I'd pay $20 to see VW, or $22
notdory says: I guess we need to decide cause [husband] is leaving the next day :(
I wanna go.
nativeminnow says: Me too. Let's put it this way: I'm going, so YOU need to decide.
notdory says: That is so a [Minnow] phrase: let's put it this way.
nativeminnow says: I get it from my mom.
notdory says: I'm putting that on your headstone. Let's put it this way, I'm dead.
Oh boy, find out what's up with me
Here are several statements that may or may not be true about things I've done in my life. Treat it like a True/False test and see how well you perform.
1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.
2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.
3. I married a seventeen year old girl.
4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.
5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.
6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.
7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)
8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.
1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.
2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.
3. I married a seventeen year old girl.
4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.
5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.
6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.
7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)
8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I fell in love with a sweet sensation, I gave my heart to a simple chord
How I spent last night:
If you'd like to see more pictures of the show (including one of me and a very sexy lady, but you have to dig around a little to find that one) you can go here.
If you've never heard of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, I suggest you check them out. Go here to download a subset of the songs on the set list from last night's show. The files will be up for seven days.
If you'd like to see more pictures of the show (including one of me and a very sexy lady, but you have to dig around a little to find that one) you can go here.
If you've never heard of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, I suggest you check them out. Go here to download a subset of the songs on the set list from last night's show. The files will be up for seven days.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
If you're on your own in this life the days and nights are long
Mr. M.: Dad, where's Grandma?
Me: She's behind us.
Mr. M.: Are we racing her?
Me: Yeah, we are.
Mr. M.: Why is she so far back there?
Me: Because she sucks.
Mr. M.: No, her not suck. Her make my favorite food.
Me: What's your favorite food?
Mr. M.: All that stuff her makes. I really like pie.
-------------------------------------------
Mr. M.: Dad?
Me: What?
Mr. M.: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Mr. M.: [Tortellini]?
Tortellini: What?
Mr. M.: You should get smart and go jump off a cliff.
-------------------------------------------
Mr. M.: Dad, when I don't see you for a really, really, really, really long time, I miss you.
Me: She's behind us.
Mr. M.: Are we racing her?
Me: Yeah, we are.
Mr. M.: Why is she so far back there?
Me: Because she sucks.
Mr. M.: No, her not suck. Her make my favorite food.
Me: What's your favorite food?
Mr. M.: All that stuff her makes. I really like pie.
-------------------------------------------
Mr. M.: Dad?
Me: What?
Mr. M.: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Mr. M.: [Tortellini]?
Tortellini: What?
Mr. M.: You should get smart and go jump off a cliff.
-------------------------------------------
Mr. M.: Dad, when I don't see you for a really, really, really, really long time, I miss you.
Friday, July 25, 2008
You could follow logic or contest it all
If you haven't already guessed, I am always able to entertain myself, even while doing something as mundane as writing an exam. For example, here's a question that I put on the test my students will be taking today:
Consider the following chemical reaction: Fe + CuSO4 → FeSO4 + Cu. In this reaction, Iron (Fe) loses electrons and Copper (Cu) gains electrons. Copper is acting as a(n) _____________.
a) oxidizing agent
b) enzyme
c) reducing agent
d) deionizing agent
e) selfish jerk
Consider the following chemical reaction: Fe + CuSO4 → FeSO4 + Cu. In this reaction, Iron (Fe) loses electrons and Copper (Cu) gains electrons. Copper is acting as a(n) _____________.
a) oxidizing agent
b) enzyme
c) reducing agent
d) deionizing agent
e) selfish jerk
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The mistake at the beginning of thinking love will stay bright and shiny new
Here's some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be giving relationship advice, but whatev.
You don't get to complain that your significant other doesn't treat you very well if you tell others that he's "a fucking pussy" and call him things like "fuckface" or "fucking retard" when he does something a little differently than you would.
You can't have a mouth like that and expect to be treated like a princess. It just doesn't work that way.
You don't get to complain that your significant other doesn't treat you very well if you tell others that he's "a fucking pussy" and call him things like "fuckface" or "fucking retard" when he does something a little differently than you would.
You can't have a mouth like that and expect to be treated like a princess. It just doesn't work that way.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Don't worry about me baby, see you when I get there
Girl: You're still here?
Me: I'm stalking you.
Girl: You are?
Me: Well, this is the second time you've seen me today. But I guess that would make me a bad stalker.
Girl: It would?
Me: Yeah. If I were a good stalker, you wouldn't know I was stalking you until I was standing in the bushes with a piano string.
Me: I'm stalking you.
Girl: You are?
Me: Well, this is the second time you've seen me today. But I guess that would make me a bad stalker.
Girl: It would?
Me: Yeah. If I were a good stalker, you wouldn't know I was stalking you until I was standing in the bushes with a piano string.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Am I still tough enough?
Last week, on the first day of class, I went over my syllabus with the students, including the number of points available, and the standard grade cut-offs.
A = 90-100%
B = 80-89%
C = 70-79%
D = 60-69%
F = 0-59%
After lecture, a student approached me and asked, "So, what's required of me to get an A?"
I replied, "A percentage between 90 and 100."
Now, had he asked me the question that was really on his mind: What's the minimum amount of work I can put into this course and still end up with an A? I probably would've given him a different answer.
A = 90-100%
B = 80-89%
C = 70-79%
D = 60-69%
F = 0-59%
After lecture, a student approached me and asked, "So, what's required of me to get an A?"
I replied, "A percentage between 90 and 100."
Now, had he asked me the question that was really on his mind: What's the minimum amount of work I can put into this course and still end up with an A? I probably would've given him a different answer.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
A man who will fight for your honor
A friend and I went mountain biking today, and while we were on the trail, came up with a fantastic movie idea. Here's the storyline in bullet form.
- A recently divorced man from Philadelphia moves to Boulder City, Nevada to start a new life.
- The man used to be heavily into skating, but since moving away from the city has taken up mountain biking as a hobby.
- None of the local mountain bikers like him because a) he's from the big city, and b) his biking style reflects his skating technique and therefore is quite different from their own.
- There is one exception to the locals not liking him: The most popular girl in town takes a liking to him because hey, fresh meat. They quickly become a couple. Her parents disapprove.
- One day on the trail, some of the local riders try to pick a fight. They chase the guy on their bikes. He finally gets away by taking a huge jump and landing it successfully. The leader of the pack behind him isn't able to, wipes out, and causes a huge mountain bike pile up as all his buddies crash into him. Our hero gets away.
- As a result of the crash (on unforgiving terrain), tensions build between our hero and the local mountain biking gang.
- Tensions also build between our hero and his girl's parents. After trying unsuccessfully to convince their daughter to dump our hero, they decide to take matters into their own hands and go to the police with trumped up charges of theft of some very expensive family heirlooms.
- A warrant is issued for our hero's arrest. Eventually the police chase him, but he rides his bike straight down the side of a mountain, leaving the police empty handed and frustrated (at the site where the red arrow is pointing).
- In his escape ride, our hero's mountain bike breaks, rendering it unusable for the big race coming up at the end of the week.
- Angry at the false charges brought against him, and sure that the popular girl was somehow involved despite her assurance that she wasn't, he breaks up with her.
- Forced into hiding, and unable to compete in the big race, our hero ponders moving back to Philadelphia.
- The morning of the big race, the popular girl shows up at his hide-out with a brand new, top of the line, full suspension professional racing bike (a significant upgrade from the one that broke as he fled the police).
- Also, the popular girl threatened to change her name and never speak to her parents again if they didn't come clean about the false charges they had filed. Since she was an only child, and they didn't want to lose her completely, this forced them to admit that they had lied to the cops.
- Armed with a new mountain bike, and with his name cleared, our hero is able to ride in the big race after all. Of course, with his new style, he smokes the rest of the competition. This wins the locals over, and they carry him (and his bike) away from the finish line on their shoulders.
- With the new approval of his new peers, and popular girl's parents, any thoughts of moving back to Philly disappear completely. Our hero and popular girl settle down and open up a bike shop. He then trains everyone in town to ride using the 'new style' of mountain biking.
(With any luck, the soundtrack will be performed by Phil Collins.)
- A recently divorced man from Philadelphia moves to Boulder City, Nevada to start a new life.
- The man used to be heavily into skating, but since moving away from the city has taken up mountain biking as a hobby.
- None of the local mountain bikers like him because a) he's from the big city, and b) his biking style reflects his skating technique and therefore is quite different from their own.
- There is one exception to the locals not liking him: The most popular girl in town takes a liking to him because hey, fresh meat. They quickly become a couple. Her parents disapprove.
- One day on the trail, some of the local riders try to pick a fight. They chase the guy on their bikes. He finally gets away by taking a huge jump and landing it successfully. The leader of the pack behind him isn't able to, wipes out, and causes a huge mountain bike pile up as all his buddies crash into him. Our hero gets away.
- As a result of the crash (on unforgiving terrain), tensions build between our hero and the local mountain biking gang.
- Tensions also build between our hero and his girl's parents. After trying unsuccessfully to convince their daughter to dump our hero, they decide to take matters into their own hands and go to the police with trumped up charges of theft of some very expensive family heirlooms.
- A warrant is issued for our hero's arrest. Eventually the police chase him, but he rides his bike straight down the side of a mountain, leaving the police empty handed and frustrated (at the site where the red arrow is pointing).
- In his escape ride, our hero's mountain bike breaks, rendering it unusable for the big race coming up at the end of the week.
- Angry at the false charges brought against him, and sure that the popular girl was somehow involved despite her assurance that she wasn't, he breaks up with her.
- Forced into hiding, and unable to compete in the big race, our hero ponders moving back to Philadelphia.
- The morning of the big race, the popular girl shows up at his hide-out with a brand new, top of the line, full suspension professional racing bike (a significant upgrade from the one that broke as he fled the police).
- Also, the popular girl threatened to change her name and never speak to her parents again if they didn't come clean about the false charges they had filed. Since she was an only child, and they didn't want to lose her completely, this forced them to admit that they had lied to the cops.
- Armed with a new mountain bike, and with his name cleared, our hero is able to ride in the big race after all. Of course, with his new style, he smokes the rest of the competition. This wins the locals over, and they carry him (and his bike) away from the finish line on their shoulders.
- With the new approval of his new peers, and popular girl's parents, any thoughts of moving back to Philly disappear completely. Our hero and popular girl settle down and open up a bike shop. He then trains everyone in town to ride using the 'new style' of mountain biking.
(With any luck, the soundtrack will be performed by Phil Collins.)
Saturday, July 19, 2008
In some respects I suspect you've got a respectable side
Friend: If I were to ever get married again, I think I'd just have the colors be white and black because that way the bridesmaids could all look hot in their black dresses, but they could also wear them again, and the bride would stand out in white.
Me: And all the groomsmen could wear tuxes, and that would be classy as all fuck.
Me: And all the groomsmen could wear tuxes, and that would be classy as all fuck.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Old as piss but small as ass
Me: Do you know what's funny?
Girl: A midget juggling chickens?
Me: What I was going to say was . . ., but a midget juggling chickens is pretty funny.
Girl: A midget juggling chickens?
Me: What I was going to say was . . ., but a midget juggling chickens is pretty funny.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
You know what the sun's all about when the lights go out
In the spirit of a new class starting this week, I'm giving you a pop quiz. Choose the option that best completes the sentence.
When you wake up, get in the shower, and find a small white feather on your scrotum, you know it's time to _______________.
a) worry.
b) fly.
c) buy new pillows.
d) stop dry-humping your pillows in your sleep.
e) quit fucking chickens.
f) All of the above.
When you wake up, get in the shower, and find a small white feather on your scrotum, you know it's time to _______________.
a) worry.
b) fly.
c) buy new pillows.
d) stop dry-humping your pillows in your sleep.
e) quit fucking chickens.
f) All of the above.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I'll only ever be a middle distance runner
Thoughts on treadmills (that I had while jogging on a treadmill):
- Treadmills are incredibly boring, but are a good way to ensure that you run the distance you're supposed to at the rate you're supposed to.
- Twenty minutes is a long time to spend on a treadmill.
- It's unrealistic to expect to be able to raise the speed by 1 1/2 miles per hour and then last the same amount of time as you could before.
- Nothing makes you want to endure to the end of twenty minutes on a treadmill than an attractive girl running on the treadmill next to you, even if you've sped it up.
- Nothing makes you want to give up and quit early more than the guy who's running twice as fast as you for twice as long.
- Ok, so maybe the attractive girl stopping and going elsewhere might also make you want to quit early.
- If you're talking on the phone while on a treadmill, you're obviously too attached to it.
- Nobody should wear a trucker hat while running on a treadmill.
- If your time on a treadmill alternates between you running forward and then running backward, then you are retarded.
- Treadmills are incredibly boring, but are a good way to ensure that you run the distance you're supposed to at the rate you're supposed to.
- Twenty minutes is a long time to spend on a treadmill.
- It's unrealistic to expect to be able to raise the speed by 1 1/2 miles per hour and then last the same amount of time as you could before.
- Nothing makes you want to endure to the end of twenty minutes on a treadmill than an attractive girl running on the treadmill next to you, even if you've sped it up.
- Nothing makes you want to give up and quit early more than the guy who's running twice as fast as you for twice as long.
- Ok, so maybe the attractive girl stopping and going elsewhere might also make you want to quit early.
- If you're talking on the phone while on a treadmill, you're obviously too attached to it.
- Nobody should wear a trucker hat while running on a treadmill.
- If your time on a treadmill alternates between you running forward and then running backward, then you are retarded.
Monday, July 14, 2008
What's the name of the song? Explosivo!
Today I was in the bathroom, standing at the urinal, when a man with a reputation for 'fecal explosions' walked in. By that I mean that he has been rumored to spray the back walls of various bathrooms. Enough so that nobody wants to share a room with him when they're traveling together. Some of the people who've been forced to share a room with him are the ones I've heard the stories from.
As I stood there and finished draining my bladder, there was a part of me that wanted to stick around for a few more minutes, just to find out if the stories were true. Then the old adage "curiosity killed the cat" came to mind and I fled the premises.
I'm certain that I made the right decision.
As I stood there and finished draining my bladder, there was a part of me that wanted to stick around for a few more minutes, just to find out if the stories were true. Then the old adage "curiosity killed the cat" came to mind and I fled the premises.
I'm certain that I made the right decision.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Say, "My heart is still crossed." Scream, "You're so wonderful."
Last night I called my kids. Togers told me they were all playing Scrabble, then Tortellini told me that my ex was beating everyone. When Mr. M. got on the phone I told him he should go help them play.
Me: You need to go help Tortellini kick your mom's butt.
Mr. M.: NO! I love my mom.
Me: I know you do. But you can love her and still kick her butt at Scrabble.
Mr. M.: Don't say that.
I'm going to have to get him to work on his toughness.
Me: You need to go help Tortellini kick your mom's butt.
Mr. M.: NO! I love my mom.
Me: I know you do. But you can love her and still kick her butt at Scrabble.
Mr. M.: Don't say that.
I'm going to have to get him to work on his toughness.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Like eating a sandwich it is neither straight nor gay
One of my friends recently went on a trip to the Northwest Territories. While he was there, he walked by a place that specializes in German sausages and had this mural on the wall. He said it reminded him of me and another one of my friends, so he walked several blocks back to the car so he could get his camera and take a picture for us.
I don't know whose idea it was to paint this mural, but I'm going to go ahead and add this to the list of things that should've been run by me before becoming a reality.
I don't know whose idea it was to paint this mural, but I'm going to go ahead and add this to the list of things that should've been run by me before becoming a reality.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Sister Jack
Me: How many miracles does one have to perform to become a Saint?
Girl: I don't know.
Me: What do you mean you don't know? You almost became a nun.
Girl: That's not the same as becoming a Saint.
Me: I know, but maybe you would've become a Saint.
Girl: No. I wouldn't have been a very good nun.
Me: Why? Because you like the cock too much?
Girl: I don't know.
Me: What do you mean you don't know? You almost became a nun.
Girl: That's not the same as becoming a Saint.
Me: I know, but maybe you would've become a Saint.
Girl: No. I wouldn't have been a very good nun.
Me: Why? Because you like the cock too much?
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
After two drinks he's a loser, after three drinks he's a star, getting all nostalgic as he sings "I Will Survive"
Unbeknownst to many, I've been boycotting the Las Vegas House of Blues for the better part of a year. I've only truly enjoyed two concerts there: The Wallflowers when they were on their Red Letter Days tour, and Tenacious D on the Pick of Destiny tour. Those were the only two shows where I wasn't surrounded by the buzz of people who were there to be seen, and not to hear the music. The problem with those types of people is that they're too busy talking to each other at the bar, or talking on their cell phones throughout the show. Seriously, why bother going to a concert at all if you're just going to talk all the way through it? This is a problem with just about any event in Las Vegas, but it seems to be especially bad at HoB.
As annoying as idle chit chat during a show can be to deal with, that wasn't the deal breaker for me. The bigger problem is that HoB management always seemed to have too many events going on the same night. I understand that people are in it for the money, but there's something inherently wrong with following a concert up with a lame-ass karaoke event. I have an even bigger problem with that when you're basically kicking bands off stage so you can start setting up for said karaoke event. I've been to several shows where HoB management has made bands stop playing for that very reason.
On one occasion, during a show that the crowd was really into, the lead singer stopped and said, "They're motioning that I have to take a break now, so we'll do that and I'll be right back out to play some more." He left the stage and the house lights immediately came up. Needless to say, he wasn't allowed to come back out and play, even though the crowd wanted an encore performance.
The last concert I saw there was Camper Van Beethoven and Built to Spill (I forget who the other opening band was). Each band was allotted 30 minutes of playing time. Each band said that if were up to them, they'd play a lot longer, but it wasn't up to them. They expressed their disgust about having to play a short set so that a bunch of drunks could sing '80s songs, badly. As soon as HoB management started motioning for Built to Spill to wrap it up and get off the stage, all the band members stood facing the center of the stage, closed their eyes and jammed for an extra ten minutes or so. I can only imagine they were saying "eff you" to HoB management. I decided that night that I wasn't going to go back to HoB for any more concerts.
Well, you'll be happy to know, that HoB has supposedly stopped doing their karaoke night. Sure, it probably has more to do with contractual issues, and possibly bands refusing to play there anymore than it did with my one man boycott, but can't a guy have his moment in the sun?
As annoying as idle chit chat during a show can be to deal with, that wasn't the deal breaker for me. The bigger problem is that HoB management always seemed to have too many events going on the same night. I understand that people are in it for the money, but there's something inherently wrong with following a concert up with a lame-ass karaoke event. I have an even bigger problem with that when you're basically kicking bands off stage so you can start setting up for said karaoke event. I've been to several shows where HoB management has made bands stop playing for that very reason.
On one occasion, during a show that the crowd was really into, the lead singer stopped and said, "They're motioning that I have to take a break now, so we'll do that and I'll be right back out to play some more." He left the stage and the house lights immediately came up. Needless to say, he wasn't allowed to come back out and play, even though the crowd wanted an encore performance.
The last concert I saw there was Camper Van Beethoven and Built to Spill (I forget who the other opening band was). Each band was allotted 30 minutes of playing time. Each band said that if were up to them, they'd play a lot longer, but it wasn't up to them. They expressed their disgust about having to play a short set so that a bunch of drunks could sing '80s songs, badly. As soon as HoB management started motioning for Built to Spill to wrap it up and get off the stage, all the band members stood facing the center of the stage, closed their eyes and jammed for an extra ten minutes or so. I can only imagine they were saying "eff you" to HoB management. I decided that night that I wasn't going to go back to HoB for any more concerts.
Well, you'll be happy to know, that HoB has supposedly stopped doing their karaoke night. Sure, it probably has more to do with contractual issues, and possibly bands refusing to play there anymore than it did with my one man boycott, but can't a guy have his moment in the sun?
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Aren't you ready for a new town where no-one knows your name?
Overheard at lunch:
Girl: I just found out my mom's a lesbian. I came home early the other day, walked upstairs and caught her making out with the nanny.
Guy: Well, did you hear that I have an uncle who was recently featured in Bondage magazine? We both have screwed up families.
Only in Las Vegas!
Girl: I just found out my mom's a lesbian. I came home early the other day, walked upstairs and caught her making out with the nanny.
Guy: Well, did you hear that I have an uncle who was recently featured in Bondage magazine? We both have screwed up families.
Only in Las Vegas!
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Living on the memory of a dream I once had
I recently read the book Love Is A Mix Tape: Life And Loss, One Song At A Time by Rob Sheffield (it was recommended to me by Steph). It was a fantastic book, and is a must read for anyone for whom music plays a big role in their life. It's a tale of his life experiences as Alternative music pushed into the mainstream in the early '90s, how music brought he and his wife together, and how it helped him get through the worst part of his life. All things to which I can relate to some degree even if the situations weren't exactly the same.
Here are a few quotes from the text that really appealed to me:
I realize it's frowned upon to choose a mate based on something superficial like the music they love. But superficiality has been good to me.
The songs* were all either fast or sad, because all songs should be either fast or sad. Some of the fast ones were sad, too.
Just more of that endless, useless knowledge you absorb when you're in a relationship, with no meaning or relevance outside of that relationship. When the relationship's gone, you're stuck knowing all this garbage.
I suddenly realized how much being a husband was all about fear: Fear of not being able to keep somebody safe, of not being able to protect somebody from all the bad stuff you want to protect them from. Knowing they have more tears in them than you will be able to keep them from crying.
Married people fight over some dumb shit when they think there aren't any widowers eavesdropping. And they never think there are widowers eavesdropping.
Many of you know that I like to put mixes together, usually around some sort of theme, but it's been a while since I made my last one. As soon as I put the book down, I put the finishing touches on a mix that I've been thinking about for almost a year. If you're interested, you can download it for free here. (If you download it, let me know what you think.)
-------------------------UPDATE-------------------------
Apparently there was something wrong with the .zip file, but I think I've fixed that now. If you tried and weren't able to extract the files, you may want to try it again.
-------------------------END UPDATE-------------------------
*Here he was speaking of seeing Pavement play for the first time.
Here are a few quotes from the text that really appealed to me:
I realize it's frowned upon to choose a mate based on something superficial like the music they love. But superficiality has been good to me.
The songs* were all either fast or sad, because all songs should be either fast or sad. Some of the fast ones were sad, too.
Just more of that endless, useless knowledge you absorb when you're in a relationship, with no meaning or relevance outside of that relationship. When the relationship's gone, you're stuck knowing all this garbage.
I suddenly realized how much being a husband was all about fear: Fear of not being able to keep somebody safe, of not being able to protect somebody from all the bad stuff you want to protect them from. Knowing they have more tears in them than you will be able to keep them from crying.
Married people fight over some dumb shit when they think there aren't any widowers eavesdropping. And they never think there are widowers eavesdropping.
Many of you know that I like to put mixes together, usually around some sort of theme, but it's been a while since I made my last one. As soon as I put the book down, I put the finishing touches on a mix that I've been thinking about for almost a year. If you're interested, you can download it for free here. (If you download it, let me know what you think.)
-------------------------UPDATE-------------------------
Apparently there was something wrong with the .zip file, but I think I've fixed that now. If you tried and weren't able to extract the files, you may want to try it again.
-------------------------END UPDATE-------------------------
*Here he was speaking of seeing Pavement play for the first time.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Mouth full of black string
Reasons not to eat lunch in Deadwood, SD:
- You might get shot.
- There's a good chance you'll be called a vulgar name.
- There really aren't many places to eat, so you might have to stop at Taco John's.
- You may find a bunch of dead moths* in the box containing your "dessert" item, but not until you're halfway finished eating it.
*There were about 30 of them. I nearly puked.
- You might get shot.
- There's a good chance you'll be called a vulgar name.
- There really aren't many places to eat, so you might have to stop at Taco John's.
- You may find a bunch of dead moths* in the box containing your "dessert" item, but not until you're halfway finished eating it.
*There were about 30 of them. I nearly puked.
Monday, June 30, 2008
'Cause everything beautiful is far away
Driving across the Great Plains gets a little boring. Not only is the landscape the same, but there's not even much to look at in terms of girls riding in vehicles that you pass.
After several hours of driving on the way to Minneapolis, my friend said, "That girl was pretty cute."
So I did what any red blooded American male would do: I looked in the rear view mirror. I just shook my head.
Friend: What? You don't think she's cute?
Me: Not at all.
Friend: Really?
Me: Really! You have to remember, this isn't Vegas. We're in the mid-west. There aren't any cute girls here. I think you were looking at her through mid-west goggles.
Friend: Mid-west goggles?
Me: You know. Like beer goggles. Except you're not drinking. I'm just looking out for you man. I'd hate to see you end up with an ugly chick who's only slightly less ugly than all the other chicks out here.
A little while later, we passed another girl.
Me: Was she cute?
Friend: Well, I thought so. But now you've got me second guessing everything.
Me: It's for the best. That way you're careful to make sure you're not getting into something you're going to regret.
Mid-west goggles: Not quite the same as PoonocularsTM. You need to be aware of their existence. Especially if you'll be driving through that part of the U.S.
After several hours of driving on the way to Minneapolis, my friend said, "That girl was pretty cute."
So I did what any red blooded American male would do: I looked in the rear view mirror. I just shook my head.
Friend: What? You don't think she's cute?
Me: Not at all.
Friend: Really?
Me: Really! You have to remember, this isn't Vegas. We're in the mid-west. There aren't any cute girls here. I think you were looking at her through mid-west goggles.
Friend: Mid-west goggles?
Me: You know. Like beer goggles. Except you're not drinking. I'm just looking out for you man. I'd hate to see you end up with an ugly chick who's only slightly less ugly than all the other chicks out here.
A little while later, we passed another girl.
Me: Was she cute?
Friend: Well, I thought so. But now you've got me second guessing everything.
Me: It's for the best. That way you're careful to make sure you're not getting into something you're going to regret.
Mid-west goggles: Not quite the same as PoonocularsTM. You need to be aware of their existence. Especially if you'll be driving through that part of the U.S.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Goin' your way anyway
You can tell you're driving across South Dakota when . . .
. . . every convenience store is either a Loaf-n-Jug or Kum 'n Go.
. . . you see a couple hundred signs advertising Wall Drug.
. . . you drive past the Corn Palace.
. . . the scenery doesn't change for hundreds of miles.
. . . seriously, the scenery doesn't change for hundreds of miles.
. . . the highlight of your day is crossing the Missouri River.
. . . you start wondering what's so great about those plains anyway.
. . . you come to the realization that Black Hills gold actually comes from the Black Hills.
. . . out of boredom, you start reporting on every insect you hit (e.g., *Splat* "That was a dragonfly.").
. . . your traveling companion doesn't get upset when you start reporting on every insect you hit (e.g., *Splat* "What was that one?" "A bumblebee.").
. . . every convenience store is either a Loaf-n-Jug or Kum 'n Go.
. . . you see a couple hundred signs advertising Wall Drug.
. . . you drive past the Corn Palace.
. . . the scenery doesn't change for hundreds of miles.
. . . seriously, the scenery doesn't change for hundreds of miles.
. . . the highlight of your day is crossing the Missouri River.
. . . you start wondering what's so great about those plains anyway.
. . . you come to the realization that Black Hills gold actually comes from the Black Hills.
. . . out of boredom, you start reporting on every insect you hit (e.g., *Splat* "That was a dragonfly.").
. . . your traveling companion doesn't get upset when you start reporting on every insect you hit (e.g., *Splat* "What was that one?" "A bumblebee.").
Friday, June 27, 2008
You've just gotta smile and hang out with intelligent people
I'm back. Did you miss me?
No?
Oh.
Well, that's a bit awkward, isn't it?
Anyhoo, the meeting was pretty cool. I got to leave the heat of Las Vegas, see some old friends, hear some smart people talk about smart things, etc.
A few thoughts from the meeting:
- Generally speaking, biologists are not a particularly attractive group of people (present company excluded, of course).
- Whoever suggested it would be a good idea to drive to Minneapolis from Las Vegas in order to save money is an idiot.
- I am an idiot.
- After driving for twenty-seven hours over a three day period one relishes the chance to walk everywhere, even if it takes 30 minutes to reach the destination.
- It's a little scary crossing bridges in Minnesota.
- Even with talks going in nine concurrent sessions, there are still times when there's nothing worth listening to.
- Really smart people make everything sound so easy.
- I am incapable of walking on a footbridge across the Mississippi River without singing "1814 took a little trip . . ." in my head.
- I need a better way of dealing with stress.
- When presenting your research at a national meeting it is best to meet the expectations of your audience rather than presenting a talk that is too elementary.
- I'll try to remember that for next time.
- Sometimes when you don't know what you're talking about it's best to take the entire time allotted without leaving any time for questions, especially when the audience includes a few of the leaders of your field of study.
- It's not good to joke about how you're glad you didn't allow time for questions from certain "big named" scientists in the audience to ask you about something you wouldn't know the answer to when one of the "big names" you specifically mention is standing ten feet behind you.
No?
Oh.
Well, that's a bit awkward, isn't it?
Anyhoo, the meeting was pretty cool. I got to leave the heat of Las Vegas, see some old friends, hear some smart people talk about smart things, etc.
A few thoughts from the meeting:
- Generally speaking, biologists are not a particularly attractive group of people (present company excluded, of course).
- Whoever suggested it would be a good idea to drive to Minneapolis from Las Vegas in order to save money is an idiot.
- I am an idiot.
- After driving for twenty-seven hours over a three day period one relishes the chance to walk everywhere, even if it takes 30 minutes to reach the destination.
- It's a little scary crossing bridges in Minnesota.
- Even with talks going in nine concurrent sessions, there are still times when there's nothing worth listening to.
- Really smart people make everything sound so easy.
- I am incapable of walking on a footbridge across the Mississippi River without singing "1814 took a little trip . . ." in my head.
- I need a better way of dealing with stress.
- When presenting your research at a national meeting it is best to meet the expectations of your audience rather than presenting a talk that is too elementary.
- I'll try to remember that for next time.
- Sometimes when you don't know what you're talking about it's best to take the entire time allotted without leaving any time for questions, especially when the audience includes a few of the leaders of your field of study.
- It's not good to joke about how you're glad you didn't allow time for questions from certain "big named" scientists in the audience to ask you about something you wouldn't know the answer to when one of the "big names" you specifically mention is standing ten feet behind you.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Touch the puppet head
I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning for a conference. Needless to say, it's not likely that I'll have time for blogging while I'm gone. Also, there isn't enough time for me to finish up everything on the 'To Do List' (you do remember the 'To Do List' don't you?). Anyway, since I don't have time to take care of all these things, I'm leaving it up to you all to finish them for me.
- Reduce fuel load in the Valley of the Ents
- Resurrect the Mongolian horde
- Hide the snake skin
- Beringia or bust
- Garrison the Valley of Kings
- Do-ah-diddy
- Join the hillbilly cartel
- Barcode Sherwood Forest
- Look like you care or something
- Find the creepy kid
- Juggle kittens
- Jam on the frying pan
- Yodel with the Swiss Miss and Abominable Snowman
- Play air hockey with the lepers
I'll be back in about ten days to check on your progress.
- Reduce fuel load in the Valley of the Ents
- Resurrect the Mongolian horde
- Hide the snake skin
- Beringia or bust
- Garrison the Valley of Kings
- Do-ah-diddy
- Join the hillbilly cartel
- Barcode Sherwood Forest
- Look like you care or something
- Find the creepy kid
- Juggle kittens
- Jam on the frying pan
- Yodel with the Swiss Miss and Abominable Snowman
- Play air hockey with the lepers
I'll be back in about ten days to check on your progress.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
They keep calling me, keep on calling me
Friend: How do you feel about that?
Me: There's a part of me that doesn't like it, and another part that's ok with it. So I don't really know.
Friend: In that case, you should let the universe figure it out for you.
Me: But the universe hates me.
Friend: What? No. The universe loves you.
Me: Actually, you're right. It won't stop calling.
First thing tomorrow morning I'm going to go get a restraining order on The Universe.
Me: There's a part of me that doesn't like it, and another part that's ok with it. So I don't really know.
Friend: In that case, you should let the universe figure it out for you.
Me: But the universe hates me.
Friend: What? No. The universe loves you.
Me: Actually, you're right. It won't stop calling.
First thing tomorrow morning I'm going to go get a restraining order on The Universe.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
We can control the context of presentation
Everything you need to know about the level of classiness of a place you're about to enter can be gleaned from a quick glance at the dress code.
In other words, dress codes in the ghetto are a little different than dress codes elsewhere.
In other words, dress codes in the ghetto are a little different than dress codes elsewhere.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Who will go down to the shady groves and summon the shadows there?
At a barbecue a couple weekends ago:
Guy: Did you see the Cornhenge I built?
Guy's Wife: You didn't build that - it was already there.
Guy: I built it.
Guy's Friend: It's true. I saw him do it.
Guy (to his wife): Keep disagreeing with me and I'll turn it into a burial site.
Guy's Wife: Then who's going to pay the bills?
Guy: Ain't no mortgage on Cornhenge.
Just so you don't feel left out I give you: Cornhenge!
Guy: Did you see the Cornhenge I built?
Guy's Wife: You didn't build that - it was already there.
Guy: I built it.
Guy's Friend: It's true. I saw him do it.
Guy (to his wife): Keep disagreeing with me and I'll turn it into a burial site.
Guy's Wife: Then who's going to pay the bills?
Guy: Ain't no mortgage on Cornhenge.
Just so you don't feel left out I give you: Cornhenge!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Hey daddy ho daddy hey daddy hi hey daddy ho daddy never will die
Me: Believe it or not, I used to have a really good tan.
Friend: Why? What was different then?
Me: Well, I worked outside all summer, but even with sun block I got really dark. I looked like I was Native American.
Friend: Because of the tan?
Me: That and I wore a feathered headdress, a loin cloth, and rode an Appaloosa everywhere I went.
Friend: Why? What was different then?
Me: Well, I worked outside all summer, but even with sun block I got really dark. I looked like I was Native American.
Friend: Because of the tan?
Me: That and I wore a feathered headdress, a loin cloth, and rode an Appaloosa everywhere I went.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
When you're so young you wanna be older, and when you're older you want the body you have now
Friend: How do two fat people have the sex?
Me: How?
Friend: I'm asking. I don't know how it works. Do they both just start at opposite ends of the room and run at each other and hope things go where they're supposed to?
Me: Oh, I thought it was a joke. But I think the way you just described it might work for them.
Friend: I just saw two really fat people in the parking lot downstairs and they had their young daughter with them.
Me: Ha!
Friend: They both were huge, bellies and all. Just made me wonder.
Me: Ew. You should go down there and ask 'em.
Friend: I just looked and they disappeared, like a case of twinkies from a cupboard
Me: Wow, that is fast. But just to make sure that I never have to find out how that happens, I'm going to go to the gym now.
Friend: : Me too. Want me to pick you up on the way by?
Me: When are you leaving?
Friend: Now. Meet me at the corner in ten minutes ready to jump.
Me: How?
Friend: I'm asking. I don't know how it works. Do they both just start at opposite ends of the room and run at each other and hope things go where they're supposed to?
Me: Oh, I thought it was a joke. But I think the way you just described it might work for them.
Friend: I just saw two really fat people in the parking lot downstairs and they had their young daughter with them.
Me: Ha!
Friend: They both were huge, bellies and all. Just made me wonder.
Me: Ew. You should go down there and ask 'em.
Friend: I just looked and they disappeared, like a case of twinkies from a cupboard
Me: Wow, that is fast. But just to make sure that I never have to find out how that happens, I'm going to go to the gym now.
Friend: : Me too. Want me to pick you up on the way by?
Me: When are you leaving?
Friend: Now. Meet me at the corner in ten minutes ready to jump.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
All hail the dirt bike, philosopher dirt bike
On the way back to the office after lunch, my friend asked if I minded taking him to the Hard Rock Casino to pick up some concert tickets at the box office. I obliged.
As we walked in, he looked at a guy in one of the shops and once we passed said, "That's Carey Hart."
I thought he was being sarcastic, and making fun of some random guy who was all tatted up, but as we continued walking he said, "No. That really was Carey Hart."
I looked back but couldn't see him. It would've been my first celebrity sighting in Vegas, not counting seeing celebrities in places where you're supposed to see them (i.e., seeing Jack Black or Eddie Vedder on stage at a concert, Dr. J. at a Team U.S.A. basketball game, etc.). I figured we wouldn't be long, and I could see him on the way back to the car.
As we neared the shop where he'd been, a group of people passed us going the other way. Among the group was a gorgeous blonde. After they passed I turned to my friend and said, "Did you see that? Those may have been the most perfect boobs I've ever seen."
He said, "That was Carey Hart."
"The guy she was with?"
"Yeah."
"I still didn't see him. I was too busy looking at her boobs."
So, I still haven't had a celebrity sighting. Oh well, at least I know my head is in the right place and I'm not looking at dudes when there are perfect breasts to be seen, even if the dudes are among the best in the world at what they do.
As we walked in, he looked at a guy in one of the shops and once we passed said, "That's Carey Hart."
I thought he was being sarcastic, and making fun of some random guy who was all tatted up, but as we continued walking he said, "No. That really was Carey Hart."
I looked back but couldn't see him. It would've been my first celebrity sighting in Vegas, not counting seeing celebrities in places where you're supposed to see them (i.e., seeing Jack Black or Eddie Vedder on stage at a concert, Dr. J. at a Team U.S.A. basketball game, etc.). I figured we wouldn't be long, and I could see him on the way back to the car.
As we neared the shop where he'd been, a group of people passed us going the other way. Among the group was a gorgeous blonde. After they passed I turned to my friend and said, "Did you see that? Those may have been the most perfect boobs I've ever seen."
He said, "That was Carey Hart."
"The guy she was with?"
"Yeah."
"I still didn't see him. I was too busy looking at her boobs."
So, I still haven't had a celebrity sighting. Oh well, at least I know my head is in the right place and I'm not looking at dudes when there are perfect breasts to be seen, even if the dudes are among the best in the world at what they do.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Life is for the livin' you've got to be willin', a song ain't a song until someone starts singin'
Saturday night I was watching a movie with a friend when another friend texted to see if I wanted to come hang out with him and two of the guys I handed ice cream out at the Joshua Tree music festival. They'd decided to get together for an impromptu jam session (two of them are very talented musicians as evidenced by the writing of Blue Bear Blues - a song they made up in Joshua Tree to make fun of a debate we'd had earlier in the weekend regarding whether or not grizzly bears are the same species as brown bears - they're not). I told him I'd finish the movie and give him a call to see if they were still at it.
We finished the movie and I headed home a little after midnight. I called my friend to let him know that I was probably just going to go home.
Him: Are you coming over?
Me: Well, I wasn't planning on it because it's late. I didn't know how much longer you'd be 'jamming.'
Him: Ain't no bedtime in Jam Town. Get over here.
Me: Alright. I guess I'll be there in a few.
(See how easy it is to convince me to do things?)
When I got there, they were trying to learn how to play Love Cats by The Cure. The friend who called me was playing percussion (on the congos). The guy whose house we were at was playing the guitar, and the third guy was playing the piano. I figured I could just come in, hang out and listen to them play. Not so.
Friend 2: Do you play any instruments [Minnow]?
Me: No. I was just going to listen to you guys.
Friend 1: Ain't no free rides in Jam Town. Get your ass over there and learn the lyrics.
Me: Ok.
I walked over and started looking at the lyrics on his computer screen.
Friend 2 (as he was figuring out the chords): So what movie were you watching earlier?
Me: It was kind of a weird one. It was about a French guy with superior olfactory abilities. He could smell the beauty of the world, and he used that to learn how to make really good perfume. Then he started killing girls to try and capture their essence and put it into a perfume.
Friend 1: That movie sounds gay. There's a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy here in Jam Town.
Friend 3: What was the name of the movie? All holes filled with cock? I think I saw that one.
Me: So much for 'Don't ask, don't tell.'
Friend 1: Ain't no gayness in Jam Town. Now get over there and sing Love Cats.
I didn't even bother pointing out the irony of that statement.
We finished the movie and I headed home a little after midnight. I called my friend to let him know that I was probably just going to go home.
Him: Are you coming over?
Me: Well, I wasn't planning on it because it's late. I didn't know how much longer you'd be 'jamming.'
Him: Ain't no bedtime in Jam Town. Get over here.
Me: Alright. I guess I'll be there in a few.
(See how easy it is to convince me to do things?)
When I got there, they were trying to learn how to play Love Cats by The Cure. The friend who called me was playing percussion (on the congos). The guy whose house we were at was playing the guitar, and the third guy was playing the piano. I figured I could just come in, hang out and listen to them play. Not so.
Friend 2: Do you play any instruments [Minnow]?
Me: No. I was just going to listen to you guys.
Friend 1: Ain't no free rides in Jam Town. Get your ass over there and learn the lyrics.
Me: Ok.
I walked over and started looking at the lyrics on his computer screen.
Friend 2 (as he was figuring out the chords): So what movie were you watching earlier?
Me: It was kind of a weird one. It was about a French guy with superior olfactory abilities. He could smell the beauty of the world, and he used that to learn how to make really good perfume. Then he started killing girls to try and capture their essence and put it into a perfume.
Friend 1: That movie sounds gay. There's a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy here in Jam Town.
Friend 3: What was the name of the movie? All holes filled with cock? I think I saw that one.
Me: So much for 'Don't ask, don't tell.'
Friend 1: Ain't no gayness in Jam Town. Now get over there and sing Love Cats.
I didn't even bother pointing out the irony of that statement.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Twenty-three ki's just sittin' in the back seat I can make the best man weak
Me: [Friend 1] and I are checking out the new [Irish Pub] if you're interested in joining us tonight.
Friend 2: Thank you for the invitation but I'm working until 4 a.m. You get stuck with these shifts once in a while.
Me: [Friend 1] wants to know if you've got any hook-ups. You know, like an eight ball or something.
Friend 2: Ha! I can hook you up with clubs, not drugs.
Me: He says to work some magic.
Friend 2: Drive up and down Trop . . . Oh no, wait, that's for hookers. Hit up a limo or taxi driver. They've got the goods.
Me: I'm sure they do. I wouldn't know what to do with any of that stuff anyway. Neither would [Friend 1]
Friend 2: Duh! You put it in your ass.
Me: I think you're mistaking me for your ex-girlfriend.
Friend 2: Thank you for the invitation but I'm working until 4 a.m. You get stuck with these shifts once in a while.
Me: [Friend 1] wants to know if you've got any hook-ups. You know, like an eight ball or something.
Friend 2: Ha! I can hook you up with clubs, not drugs.
Me: He says to work some magic.
Friend 2: Drive up and down Trop . . . Oh no, wait, that's for hookers. Hit up a limo or taxi driver. They've got the goods.
Me: I'm sure they do. I wouldn't know what to do with any of that stuff anyway. Neither would [Friend 1]
Friend 2: Duh! You put it in your ass.
Me: I think you're mistaking me for your ex-girlfriend.
Friday, June 06, 2008
I admit it now I could not give any more
Last night I was too lazy to fix anything for dinner. Unfortunately, the only left-overs had in the fridge were over a week old. But I didn't feel like going out for dinner either. So, what did I do? I reheated the left-overs anyway (punching the time on the microwave to 1:11 of course).
As I was eating, I was too lazy to chew a mouthful properly, and ended up nearly choking on a chunk of rice. But I didn't choke. Of course, I was too lazy to cough or make any other effort to get it out of the back of my throat, so it just sat there and eventually slid into my esophagus. That, my friends, truly is the height of laziness.
As I was eating, I was too lazy to chew a mouthful properly, and ended up nearly choking on a chunk of rice. But I didn't choke. Of course, I was too lazy to cough or make any other effort to get it out of the back of my throat, so it just sat there and eventually slid into my esophagus. That, my friends, truly is the height of laziness.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
I'm only happy when it rains
Yesterday I walked outside my office and felt myself cheer up a little when I looked at the sky and saw that things were about to get miserable. Once it started raining I felt even better knowing that others were probably upset about it.
How's that for altruism?
How's that for altruism?
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
I'm gonna hit you on your face I'm gonna punch you in your glasses
I'm going to copy Bill Maher today. I'm giving you my list of things that must go. Without further ado:
-People who almost come to a complete stop before making a right turn out of traffic and into a parking lot (or driveway). Learn how to drive before you take your car out on the road.
- People who have to do a three point (or more) turn to get into, or out of, a parking space. Again, learn how to drive your vehicle.
- People who talk on their cell phones while at the gym. Know when to unplug people.
- LA Lakers fans who chant M-V-P every time Kobe goes to the free throw line. It's annoying. And so is Kobe, so, while we're at it . . .
- Kobe Bryant.
- Fat chicks who dress like they're not. Cover that fat up. Nobody needs to see that shit.
- Couples who share email accounts, myspace pages, etc. It's not cute. It makes you look like you have control issues, or don't trust each other. And, if you don't, break up.
- The 9/10 of a cent placed on the end of gas prices. Gas isn't $4.039/gallon, it's $4.04. Quit treating us like we're stupid. We all round up anyway.
- American Idol. Because it sucks.
- Jared from Subway. Ditto.
-People who almost come to a complete stop before making a right turn out of traffic and into a parking lot (or driveway). Learn how to drive before you take your car out on the road.
- People who have to do a three point (or more) turn to get into, or out of, a parking space. Again, learn how to drive your vehicle.
- People who talk on their cell phones while at the gym. Know when to unplug people.
- LA Lakers fans who chant M-V-P every time Kobe goes to the free throw line. It's annoying. And so is Kobe, so, while we're at it . . .
- Kobe Bryant.
- Fat chicks who dress like they're not. Cover that fat up. Nobody needs to see that shit.
- Couples who share email accounts, myspace pages, etc. It's not cute. It makes you look like you have control issues, or don't trust each other. And, if you don't, break up.
- The 9/10 of a cent placed on the end of gas prices. Gas isn't $4.039/gallon, it's $4.04. Quit treating us like we're stupid. We all round up anyway.
- American Idol. Because it sucks.
- Jared from Subway. Ditto.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
From the bottom of my heart comes a cold dark feeling
In lieu of a real post, go here to download the music mix that suits my mood today. (The zip file will be up for seven days or a hundred downloads, whichever comes first.)
It's called 'A Little Left Behind' and some of you who actually know me already have a copy, in which case you can save yourself the trouble of clicking over. Those who don't should be warned that it's a little depressing.
It's called 'A Little Left Behind' and some of you who actually know me already have a copy, in which case you can save yourself the trouble of clicking over. Those who don't should be warned that it's a little depressing.
Monday, June 02, 2008
I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of California stars
Me: Too bad. That lady's sitting with her back to us. I was hoping she'd sit down facing us so I could stare at her boobs.
Friend: Were they nice?
Me: Yeah. Fake, but nice.
Friend: But her face wasn't all that great, was it?
Me: No, but that's ok. I wasn't planning on looking at her face.
Friend: Were they nice?
Me: Yeah. Fake, but nice.
Friend: But her face wasn't all that great, was it?
Me: No, but that's ok. I wasn't planning on looking at her face.
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