We won't be sleepin' in our Autumn beds

Oh, nothing. Just been out enjoying Fall. Again.

Ten second news

I have a friend who just published a fairly high profile paper. He's had a few different reporters request interviews with him about it. I dropped by his office the other day to say hi, and he was waiting for one of these reporters to arrive. He and I chatted for a few minutes, then the reporter and cameraman showed up.

I got up to leave. The cameraman said, "We don't want to run you off. Go ahead and have a seat."

"That's okay. I should probably get back to work anyway."

My friend at least took the time to introduce me to the cameraman and the reporter*.

She shook my hand and said, "It's nice to meet you. You know, for some reason you look really familiar to me. Have we met before?"

I shook my head no and said, "It's probably just because I look like Bill Clinton," then I walked out the door.

Let her report about meeting Bill Clinton's love child.









*She was hot, by the way. I should've stuck around for the interview.

Now the beaver once slept for seven days and gave us all an awful fright, so I tickled his chin and gave him a pinch and the bastard tried to bite

On my way to Vegas last weekend I stopped for gas and saw a bumper sticker that I couldn't NOT buy right then and there. It said: I ♥ BEAVER.

I called my sister afterward and told her what I'd found. She requested that I go back right then and buy ten more. I was already getting back on the freeway, so I told her I'd stop again and buy her some on my way home. I did. But I only gave her five. The other five I sent to friends who would display it proudly.

One of my friends received it today at work. He texted me and said he'd buy me something if I displayed it on my car right next to my parking sticker. Presumably so the ultra-conservative university parking enforcement would see it every time they checked.

I texted him back and said they don't even issue parking permits anymore. They just scan license plates now, so I put it on my refrigerator instead.



Our text conversation continued:

Him: So you like your beaver on the fridge?

Me: I like it anywhere I can get it.

Him: So you're easy.

Me: And cheap. Spread the word. Particularly to any hot chicks.

Him: Being easy rarely works for hot chicks.

Him: Get ready for ugly chicks!


Damn! He's right. Lower standards, here I come.

See our friends, see the sights, feel alright

I went to Vegas this weekend. I didn't tell any of my friends I was coming. I just surprised them.

When I saw Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend, she grabbed my arm and said, "I really have missed you."

I said, "Really? I've mostly just missed your boobs."

She shook her head and said, "You're a dork."




This is why I'm single.

Girls, all I really want is girls

The other night I stopped at a friend's house on my way home from meeting a couple of other friends for dinner. The following is from a conversation I had with his seven year old daughter:

Her: Why do you like Asian girls?

Me: What's not to like?

Her: Do you like Mexican girls too?

Me: As a matter of fact, I do. I don't discriminate. I like all* girls.











*Except for maybe the fat ones.

May the wind be always at your back, and the sunshine warm upon your face

Oh. Hi there. I haven't forgotten about my blog per se. I've just been doing other things. Like enjoying the Fall colors this year. You know, I didn't really get to experience Autumn in Las Vegas.

But at least I'm willing to share some of the pictures I've taken. That counts for something, right? Right?

Words can mean nothing to some in this world

Yesterday I met up with some friends at a park to play frisbee golf. Since the park was only a half mile or so from my sister's apartment, I called to see if she was home after we were done. She said she was, and told me to come over. I told her I'd be there shortly.

Meanwhile, my friends were trying to decide if they wanted to go for a bite to eat. As I hung up, one of them said, "Well, it sounds like [Minnow] is setting up a booty call, so I'm guessing he's out. Is that what you were doing? It was, wasn't it?"

I answered, "I hope not. That was my youngest sister."

"Full? Or half?"*

"You're disgusting."









*And you thought I left all my perverted friends behind in Vegas.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years

Oh, hi there. Long time no see. I've been meaning to post, but there have been some complicating factors. Like the fact that I haven't had internet at my new place until now. And the fact that I can't very well blog from the new job because Big Brother is always watching. You wouldn't want me to get in trouble with Big Brother, would you? WOULD YOU?

I am alive. I'm still sort of settling in. What can I say? I'm lazy. At this rate I'll have my stuff completely unpacked in time to box it up and move again. That's sort of the way it goes. Last time I moved it took me roughly three years to do things like hang pictures on the wall. Maybe I'll do it sooner this time. Maybe not. Who knows?

I don't really have much more to say right now, but thought I'd at least check into the blogosphere for a few minutes. I'll make it around to catch up on everyone's blogs soon. Not tonight though. I have too much other stuff to do. Like catch up on fmylife, and textsfromlastnight.

Goodbye's too good a word babe, so I'll just say 'Fare thee well'

I'm leaving Las Vegas.

Most would say, "Finally!"

I feel like I'm leaving too soon.

I'm picking up a U-Haul in about a half hour. I'll load it today, and head out of town tomorrow.

I'm starting a new phase of my career: A job that will allow me to focus solely on research.

It really is a good fit for me and what I hope to achieve.

I'm a little excited.

I'm a little nervous.

I'm also really, really sad.

I'll be closer to my parents and siblings.

I'll be closer to good flyfishing and mountain biking.

But I'll also be further from my kids.

I'm leaving behind some of the best friends a person could hope to have.

I'm leaving behind a girl I'd hoped someday to build a future with.

Those aren't easy things to give up. No matter how good the rest of it seems.

I know things will all work out for me. They always do, but it might take a while for things to feel "normal" again.

Wish me luck.

I'm in hate with the size of a desert

Yesterday my ex-wife called to tell me that when she was picking the kids up from school, Mr M got in the car and the first thing he said was, "Did you know that you can dump dead bodies anywhere in Arizona because it's the desert."

She said, "You can?"

He said, "Yeah. You can dump bodies, or dig a hole and bury them, and nobody will find them because it's a desert landscape."


Is my son going to be the next Shane Botwin?

Flip flop flip flop flip

Wednesday afternoon I was walking Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend to her class.

GWWBMGF: I'm going to be late.

Me: No you're not. You have plenty of time.

GWWBMGF: Not when I have to walk this slow. My feet hurt from walking around in these heels all day at work.

Me: You should keep some flip-flops in your car. Then you could just change into them when you get to campus.

GWWBMGF: You say that every day.

Me: I mean it every day.

GWWBMGF: Well, do you have any flip-flops*? No. So it's really not that helpful.

Me: I'm just sayin'.

A few minutes later we arrived at her classroom.

GWWBMGF: Alright, I have to go. I'm late.

Me: No you're not. You've still got six minutes.

GWWBMGF: Oh. So you're right.

Me: Of course I am. You should believe me more often. I am a doctor**.











* The next time I saw her I handed her a pair of flip-flops and said, "See? This is why you should love me."

** That will never get old. It almost makes getting this Ph D worth it. Almost.

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

Yesterday I was talking with one of the graduate students (who happens to be female) as we walked into the departmental office. I don't remember what led up to this exchange, so you have to start kind of in the middle. It's okay. I'm sure the 'introductory' conversation was boring anyway.

Me: It's because you're such a smart girl. Wait, I should say woman instead of girl, huh?

Female Grad Student: You should.

Me: I know. I use the word 'girl' all the time, because I never think about it not being politically correct. I always seem to forget that bitches don't like to be called girls.

Female Professor (laughing): I can't believe you just said that. I could bring a sexual harassment suit against you.

Me: No you couldn't. I don't work here anymore.

Female Professor: Good point.

Me: You could, however, call the cops and have me arrested for trespassing*.









* I still have a key. I'm pretty sure I could beat the rap.

I'd rather dance than talk with you

This morning I forgot about two things:

1) The tunnel I drive through on the way to my office is under more construction than usual.

2) Classes start today.

The combination of these two facts meant that traffic was a bajillion times heavier than it's been all summer. Yes, a bajillion.

As I sat inching my car along, I had more time to notice some things. Like the license plate frame on the car in front of me that read "I'd rather be swimming." I can understand wanting to be just about anywhere other than driving in heavy traffic, but I was a little surprised that people still put those frames around their license plates. I was also a little surprised that no matter what, this person would rather be swimming. Driving to the airport for a tropical vacation? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Making out in the back seat of the car? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Then, as I pulled into the parking lot on campus, I noticed a friend's truck had one that read, "I'd rather be playing baseball."

So I learned two things on my way to campus: Some complete stranger likes swimming. A friend of mine likes baseball.

The problem with those license plate frames, though, is that there are some people who can't be completely honest with what they'd rather be doing because of social stigmas. I came up with a few, for those people. Hey, I'm here to help.

I'd rather be . . .

. . . watching porn.

. . . skinning squirrels.

. . . cooking methamphetamine.

. . . sacrificing virgins.

. . . punching retards.

. . . date raping your sister.

. . . burning a cross in your yard.

. . . choking a hooker.

Feel free to put your favorite one around your license plate.

Guns in the sky

Mr M came home from school last week and said he was feeling sick.

My ex-wife asked him if he thought it might be because he wasn't drinking enough water.

He told her that it wasn't that. It was because if he couldn't think about guns he has a nervous breakdown, and he can't think about guns when he's at school.

In related news, my parenting goals just changed: If I can get my kids raised without one of them being involved in a school shooting, I'll feel like a success.

And I don't mind the forces of evil if they bring me closer to you

Me: Want to hear a really offensive joke?

GWWBMGF: Only if you want to tell it.

Me: Of course I do, or I wouldn't have brought it up.

GWWBMGF: Okay. Tell me.

Me: Okay. So there's this married couple that goes to the doctor to find out about some test results for the wife. When they got there, the doctor came in and said, "I'm really, really embarrassed to have to say this, but there was a mix up and now we're not sure which results are yours. You either have AIDS or Alzheimer's, but we're not sure which." The husband got very upset and said, "Well that's just great! What are we supposed to do with that?" The doctor answered, "This is what you do: Take her out and drop her off in the forest somewhere, and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

GWWBMGF: That's terrible!

Me: You don't think it's funny?

GWWBMGF: I like that you think it's funny.

Purple toupee will show the way when summer brings you down

One of the good things about facebook is that one can steal pictures from one's child's profile to use for blogging purposes.

Togers has spent the better part of a year growing his hair out to look like this:




Now it looks like this:




Don't worry. I've drawn the line and told him that under no circumstances is he going to be allowed to get a swastika tattoo*.









* Not that he'd even want one**.

** At least I hope not.

With the white unicorn across her shoulder

I gave a final exam to my summer students last Friday. I finished the semester with a little segment about Conservation Biology, including a bunch of stuff about human impacts on biodiversity. In that lecture, I talked about the effects of habitat fragmentation.

The day before the final I got this email from one of my students:

I'm also still confused on the Edge Effect... can you explain that for me again? Is the Edge effect in correlation with fragmentation?

I wrote back to her:

Edge effects are definitely correlated with fragmentation. There are some species that do well at the edge of a forest (e.g., deer, elk, etc.), and others that need to be deep in the forest because they can't survive close to the edge (e.g., most of your mythical creatures like unicorns, centaurs, sasquatch, etc.). So, the more fragmented the habitat becomes, the closer those organisms that would be in the middle of the forest are to the edge, so they wouldn't survive as well.

I am nothing if not a professional.

Hate me, do it and do it again

Girl 1: I knew a lot of girls in school that were skanks but claimed to be virgins. How can you still call yourself a virgin if you've done everything else?

Me: That all depends on what your definition of sex is. My doppelganger has argued that oral doesn't count. Does it?

Girl 1: Of course it counts.

Girl 2: I agree with her. After all, if I were to shove a cookie* in your mouth that you didn't want, then I technically raped you.

Me: Well, that would assume there'd be a cookie in this world that I wouldn't want in my mouth.

Guy: True. You can't rape the willing.










* In this case the cookie is not a metaphor.

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing, don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Someone made an unflattering comparison to me recently, and I joked to my sister that I was going to go kill myself because of it.

She texted me yesterday: What is your preferred method of death? I'm having [husband] fly me down.

I answered: Autoerotic asphyxiation. But I don't think you can help me with that.

So come on baby, just give me the fix

I had dinner at a Thai restaurant last weekend. My fortune cookie contained a fortune that read, "You will find luck when you go home."

I looked and looked, but didn't find it.

Unless you count the granola bar I found in the cupboard and ate.

I'd rather get a fortune that says one of the following though:

- Your student loans will be paid off in full by an anonymous donor.

- Your car has been replaced in the parking lot - Drive the Ferrari home.

- You will find a duffel bag containing half a million dollars.

- You will meet Sasha Grey and she will be very interested in teaching you a few tricks.

A mass of incandescent gas, a giant nuclear furnace

I gave an exam this week. I usually make them a combination of multiple choice and short answer questions. The problem with that is that I then have to grade the short answer questions. It's not bad when I'm grading the good students' exams. Or the really bad students who just leave everything blank (it's quite easy to write a big X and a zero on the page). But the students who haven't studied AND write a lot? Sometimes they make me want to jam ice picks into my temple.

For example, one of the short answer questions asked them to list three adaptations that birds have for flight. Simple enough right? After all, pretty much any four year old who has ever seen a bird could get two of the three: feathers and wings. Sadly, that would be one or two more than some of my students got. One answer said this: wings are involved, and the fight or flight response allowed them to evolve flight. Okay, fine, you get one out of three, but the fight or flight response? Really? Especially when the example I used is what might happen to you physiologically if you almost stepped on a rattlesnake? Because that's happened to me plenty of times, and I've never taken to the air.

(In contrast, some of the incorrect answers make me laugh. For example, I also asked them what a circadian rhythm was. One student put that it had something to do with funky beats. Awesome. Still no points, but awesome.)

Luckily, as the instructor, I have the power to make the TAs help me grade. So I did. Usually bribery with pizza does the trick, but this time we were grading a little later, and one of the TAs had a migraine, so I excused her from the additional pain of reading. I told the other TA that I'd buy dinner after we finished. She saved me about three hours worth of time, so it was well worth it from my end.

We went to dinner, had a very good meal, but the story that I really want to tell occurred right after. We had agreed to meet some other friends for pub trivia that night, so we both figured it'd be good to visit the restrooms (that were clean) before going to the pub.

While I was in the bathroom, I heard a couple of little kids talking to each other from separate stalls. Brothers I assume. One of them called the other one to help him with something (buttoning his pants, I think - neither of them could've been older than five) as I was walking to the sink to wash my hands. Thinking the coast was clear, I felt the need to pass some gas while I was washing my hands. So I did. Unfortunately for one of the little kids, he'd chosen that exact time to walk directly behind me (unbeknownst to me until after I farted directly on his head).

I saw him in the mirror as his reflection emerged from its hiding place directly behind mine not two seconds after the deadly gas blasted him. The look on his face just said, "Why would you do that to me? WHY?"

Sorry kid.

But it could've been worse. I could've sharted.

This is a match to a ball of lies

Today I am giving my students an exam. I told them that yesterday's lecture would not be covered on it, but that I'd put that material on the final instead. Not surprisingly, very few of them showed up to class yesterday so before I started lecturing I told the ones who were there to take out a sheet of paper, write their name on it, then hand it in to me and I'd give them some sort of extra credit for it.

When the last student handed me their paper I said to the class, "There. Now aren't you glad you decided to come to class today?"

My new favorite student called out, "We're glad we come to class every day."

Who says flattery gets you nowhere?

This is the mountain, this is the lightning, this is the man pulling on his iron chain

Me: The manager was cute.

Friend: Yeah she was.

Me: She also had a big old wedding ring on her finger.

Friend: She did? I didn't notice that. Too bad for her. She's missing out on all of this. [Motions to self with hands]

Me: Not necessarily. Rings come off.

Friend: She can leave it on for all I care. She didn't get it from me.

Hush hush we both can't fight it

Last weekend I met a girl* at a concert. We were talking about something between the opening band and the headliners, and I said something that my friend misheard.

He turned around and asked, "Did you just ask her to touch your dick?"

Before I could answer, she told him, "Yeah, as a matter of fact I was just getting ready to touch his dick when you turned around. You ruined the moment, cockblocker."

He looked mildly offended at being called that, and said, "Are you kidding? I'd never cockblock this guy. If there's one person in this world who needs his cock touched, it's this guy."

Thanks dude.








*Not one that I was interested in by any means, but still.

I could be with anyone just while the honeymoon burns bright

The other night:

Friend: Not it.

Me (turning around to see who I was "it" on): Wow. That girl is large. She's like a hippo.

Friend: 'Like' nothing. I saw her fighting off a warthog and a wildebeest. And those were just the other girls at her table. I got not it on them too.


I hate losing at 'not it.'

I'm drinkin' wine in the mornin', I just can't seem to stop snortin' blue collared gack off a black hooker's ass, the mirror ball's startin' to rock

Friend (after I read him an excerpt from the book Perishable): That's sort of like your blog.

Me: Except my blog isn't anywhere near that well written. Or that funny.

Friend: No, I just meant the part about drunk retarded midget strippers.

He jumped out right after seeing the very sight of me

Me: Hey man, what's new? It's been forever since I last saw you.

Friend: I know. It's been nice.

Me: Tell me about it. Asshole.

Emma, get me a lemon

A contradictory statement if I ever saw one:



Also, this lemonade may or may not contain strawberry.

But you will not recognize how I might die inside unless I ride

One more post about California, then I'll move on. I swear.

When we were at the beach and saw dolphins, I joked to my friends that I was going to swim out there so I could ride one. Later, I said something about how I wanted to see a shark, so I could swim out there and ride it.

The next day we had just finished dinner and my friend asked what we wanted to do with the rest of the evening. She suggested we walk down to the Santa Monica pier.

I told her I thought that would be a good idea, and that maybe while we were there we could ride the ferris wheel.

She said, "You've been wanting to ride stuff since you got here. First it was the dolphins, then the sharks, then the waitress at breakfast, and now this."

I replied, "I am on vacation you know."

I see a red door and I want to paint it black

Here is the painting that captures my "essence" as envisioned by my friend:



Here is the painting that captures my friend's "essence" as envisioned by her husband:



And here is the painting that captures my friend's husband's "essence" as envisioned by me:



Did I mention that we painted these in the children's area of the art museum in L.A.?

When I put myself in the picture of success

As promised, here are a few pics from my long holiday weekend.

Beach in Malibu



La Brea Tar Pits

Wall of Dire Wolf skulls:


A very dramatic scene:

(Trumpet all you want Little Mastodon, but your mother is screwed.)

LA County Museum of Art

Ancient sculptures from Mexico:


Mobiles:



Lamp posts out front:



Venice Beach

My friend's favorite part about Muscle Beach:



My favorite part about Muscle Beach:



A suicidal cat:



And of course, FIREWORKS:







Mission San Gabriel

We've got California in our eyes come on and catch us if you can

Has it really been a week since I last posted? Don't worry, I didn't drop off the face of the earth. Almost, but not quite. I went to California for the long holiday weekend.

Here's a little bit of what I've been up to since I last posted:

Thursday 7/1
Drove to California from Vegas - Saw Sloan perform at House of Blues in Los Angeles.

Friday 7/2
Hit the beach in Malibu - saw my first dolphins in the wild. Perhaps more importantly, saw many babes in bikinis. Spent the evening walking around a shopping area near my friend's apartment, bought some cool fish mugs, and tried some of the best Indian food I've had in quite some time.

Saturday 7/3
Visited the La Brea tar pits and the L.A. County Museum of Art. While there, my friend painted a picture of my "essence", and I did the same for her husband. I'll scan those later. I'm not going to lie, they're pretty amazing pieces of art. Also saw an Andy Warhol exhibit, and a lot of other cool things. Had dinner at an amazing Italian restaurant (apparently ranked top 10 for L.A., but we didn't know that until we were already seated), and even proposed to a piece of chocolate cake with a diamond ring and all. The cake said no. Still we had an amazing night together, but in the morning she was gone. Later we walked back down to the beach at Santa Monica, and saw a pretty cool fireworks display that was going on near Malibu. I'm now convinced that nothing beats sitting alone on a beach watching fireworks. It turned out to be much more enjoyable than the fireworks display we "saw" on Independence Day.

Sunday 7/4
Walked along Venice Beach and saw all of the associated madness. I wanted to get my picture taken with the "Kush Doctor" but didn't want to have to explain that I didn't actually want a prescription for medical marijuana. There was a muscleman competition going on at muscle beach, which I found hilarious for some reason. (Probably just jealousy.) Later we went back to the beach near my friend's apartment, then tried to go south to see a fireworks show at Marina Del Ray. It was a madhouse, and by the time we found a spot to sit, we quickly realized that we couldn't see any fireworks, so we just left before it was done. Luckily we'd seen a better fireworks display the night before so didn't feel too sorry for ourselves.

Monday 7/5
Toured Mission San Gabriel. It was pretty cool to see a little about the history of colonization of Southern California. I also saw a little bit of the UCLA campus and then drove home to Vegas.

In other words, it was not a bad way to spend a few days. I'll post pictures later. (I got some pretty cool ones.)

Black chick, white guy

Last night at pub trivia:

Question: In the book Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, what was the name of the runaway slave who teams up with Huck on his voyage down the Mississippi River?

Friend 1: It's Nigger Jim*.

Me: I'm just going to put Jim.

Friend 1: I think you have to put down the whole name.

Friend 2: But I don't like that word.

Me: I don't either.

Friend 1: Just put it down so we don't lose a point.

Me: Fine.

Friend 3 (who is African American): I can't believe you wrote that. Racist.

Me: If I have sex with you later will that make up for it?

Friend 3: Sure.



Later she passed me a note: You ready to pop the cork on this bitch?








*Apparently this is the name used by many critics and has been perpetuated ever since, but never appears in the book itself. Thank you Wikipedia!

Time to sit back and unwind

One of my friends who recently moved away came back to town this weekend. Of course you know what that means: Pool party!

We all met up at one friend's house, then went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. While there, they decided they needed to make rum drinks, so we ventured into the liquor section.

My friends were discussing what they wanted to make when a guy came into the aisle and asked us, "Where's the cheap shit?"

We looked at each other, then shrugged.

Fortunately for him, he didn't need our help. He found a large, plastic bottle of vodka that cost $9.

He grabbed it, looked at me, and said, "There ya' go. Throw some cranberry in that bitch and you straight all day."

I would not want to be his head this morning.

Buenos Tardes, Amigo

Question: Would you pick up this hitchhiker?



I didn't either. I called Border Patrol.

Waiting for Superman

If you've ever wondered how my kids and I entertain ourselves while waiting for overpriced pizza to come to our table (and you know you have), it's by pondering the important questions of life, such as these:

Who would win in a fistfight, The Incredible Hulk, or The Thing?

Who has a firmer handshake, Ice Man or the Human Torch (from Fantastic Four)?

Who would win in a staring contest, Cyclops or Magneto?

Who would make the best ice cream sundae, Ice Man or Wonder Woman?

Who would win in a Derek Zoolander style walk-off, Wonder Woman or Spider Man?

Who would be the bigger alcoholic, Batman or the Incredible Hulk?

Who would be most likely to cry after being dumped, Spiderman or Aquaman?

Who has hooked up with more guys, Lois Lane or Mary Jane Watson?

Who will be the first to come out of the closet, Robin or the Wonder Twins?

All the kids are staying fat

The problem with me spending time with my kids is that the only posts you're going to see in the near future are going to be about them. Like this little tidbit from Mr M while we were driving to my sister's wedding.

Mr M: Dad, if a fat girl was lost in the forest, what would a tree say?

Me: I don't know, what?

Mr M: How about lose some weight, fatty.

I probably should have explained to him that it's not nice to make fun of people. Instead I just laughed.

If you dare

What's worse than returning to the office to 130 unanswered emails?

Returning to the office to find this propped up in your office chair:





Does anyone want a sucker shaped like a penis? It's still wrapped.

Shakin' like a dog shittin' razor blades

This morning I baked a cake. For those of you keeping track, that's three cakes in the past ten days. In other words, not enough cake. (Is there ever enough cake?) As I poured the cake batter into the pan, I wanted to find out if any of my kids wanted to eat the rest of it that wouldn't come out of the bowl.

Me: Alright, who wants to lick the . . .

Tortellini: Me!

Mr M: I do. I do. I get the bowl. I get the bowl.

Me: Neither of you let me finish my sentence. As I was saying, who wants to lick the dog's butt? You both do. Ha ha!

I know you tried, I know you're cursed, I know your best was still your worst

The day before my sister's wedding I administered an exam in the night class I'm teaching. I didn't grade them until I got back. When I did get them graded, I saw something that depresses me greatly. It involves the following question (which I'd gone over three different times in class):

During aerobic respiration, which of the following molecules directly donates electrons to the electron transport chain at the lowest energy level, and thus only generates two ATP molecules?
A) NADH
B) FADH2


Two students chose D.

I wish I was joking.

Do you wanna dance? Will you wear my ring?

My youngest sister got married last weekend. I couldn't leave until Friday morning because I had to administer an exam on Thursday night, so it was a shorter trip than I would've liked, but you do what you can. It was nice to see all the family members that made it, even if I didn't get to visit with many of them as much as I would have liked. My kids and I spent a lot of time in the car (as usual - they're going to have such rotten memories of all the road trips with their dad).

Unfortunately for my sister, it rained all afternoon and evening. Luckily, her reception was indoors, and the place still looked nice.



The roses probably looked even better with the raindrops on them anyway.



My sister was such a beautiful bride. And my nieces made such cute little flower girls. The youngest one started running around and picking up the rose petals that the older one had scattered around and putting them back in her bucket. It was so cute.





Here's a picture of my sister holding the youngest flower girl later. Probably the only really good photo I took all night.



From a more selfish perspective, all her bridesmaids were either married already, or had boyfriends, so I asked her, "Would it be bad if I ditched your wedding reception and went to the one next door to see if there are any hot bridesmaids over there?" She encouraged me to go ahead, but alas, I couldn't bring myself to channel my inner wedding crasher, so I just stayed at my sister's reception.

Don't worry, I made up for it afterward when I took my children for a nice post-wedding family dinner at Hooter's.

Hola, my good friend

A few weeks ago, my friends and I got some free sombreros while we were out on a Friday night. Mine has been in my car ever since.

Even this weekend, with the trunk full of bags for our weekend trip to my sister's wedding, the sombrero has stayed in the car. Togers was going to wear it to the wedding reception, but forgot.

Yesterday, on our way to my parents' house, Tortellini put it on.



She joked, "If I wore this in Arizona, we'd get pulled over."

Not only that, she'd probably also be deported since she has no form of identification yet.

The greatest love is always ruined by the bickering

I have my kids for a couple of weeks. It's a constant source of entertainment for me, and therefore, for you too. The other night we went to In-N-Out for dinner, and while we were there, Mr M said something you wouldn't expect a kid his age to understand (I don't remember what it was - but earlier he proved to be the only one of my kids that knew it was a meteor that caused the mass extinction of the dinosaurs).

Tortellini: [Mr M] is really smart. He's probably the smartest of all us kids.

Me: Maybe. What do you think? Who's the smartest kid?

Mr M: Dad is.

Me: I'm not a kid. Who do you think is the smartest of you three?

Mr M: Hmmm. [Tortellini].

Tortellini: I knew it! I knew he'd say me because he hates [Togers].

Mr M: I hate [Tortellini] too, but I hate [Togers] more.

The next day we all went to get haircuts. While Tortellini was in the chair, Togers said something that made Mr M laugh.

Me: Is your brother funny?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: But I thought you hated him.

Mr M: I do! But he's still funny.

Celebrate good times, come on!

Yesterday was Togers' birthday. My ex-wife said she asked Mr M in the morning if he'd wished Togers a happy birthday. Mr M said that he hadn't, because he "wasn't celebrating [Togers'] birthday."

Later, when it was time for cake and ice cream, Mr M insisted that he didn't want any cake, just ice cream. I asked him about it this morning. He didn't want any cake, because that would've been celebrating Togers birthday.

So if you were ever wondering where to draw the line between celebrating something and not celebrating, it's this:

Cake and ice cream = celebrating

Just ice cream = not celebrating

You're welcome!

Someday back when we were young I guess something just went wrong

Last night while teaching:

Student 1: Have you heard the sound of your voice? I have it recorded. Do you want to listen to it?

Me: Yes, I've heard the sound of my voice. I don't like it, so no, I don't want to listen.

Student 1: You don't like the way your voice sounds?

Me: No, because it sounds different to me than it does to you. When I hear it played back it sounds a lot lower than the way I hear it. I think it sounds like I'm dumber than I am.

Student 2: It just sounds like you smoked a lot of weed when you were younger. That's all.


Lovely. Student 2 confirmed that my voice makes me sound dumb. He might as well have said, "Your voice just sounds like you killed a LOT of brain cells in your youth."

Can I take points off for brutal honesty?

For the record, I've never smoked weed. My stupid voice comes naturally.

You're coming off kind of contrived and pretentious, you're not saying anything we haven't heard before

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves.

Laboratory Activities
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- The video, because it doesn't stink.
- Disection*, because it is dirty and exciting.
- Leaving, because it was always late.
- Ugh, none! Labs were just very boring.

Which lab experience was most informative and educational for you?
- Disection because I can do it and touching

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Disections, because the stink.
- Anything w/ plants -- hella boring!
- Earthworm dissection and looking at live flat worms because both creep me out.

What is the major weakness of the [biology] lab?
- The only thing I didn't like was the detailedness of the quizzes.
- It's too hard (that's what she said?)

What is the major strength of the [biology] lab?
- Actual action take and tangible to all senses.
- [Minnow] is just a big bucket of win


Laboratory Instructor
In general, how would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?
- A for awesome
- Damn, he's good (maybe because he's young?)
- Nothing special either way
- Kept me awake

How would you assess your lab instructor's ability in making things understandable and their willingness to help?
- A for always helping
- Godly

Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered.
- A for abundance of knowledge
- He's a smartie-pants.
- Knew pretty much everything - I mean he is a doctor!!
- Again, he is a plethora of knowledge, or maybe even a cornacopia.
- Knew more than I knew, answered things

Assess your lab instructor's examination policy, fairness, and grading.
- B for Boy some of those quizzes are hard

What were his/her strong points?
- He got an attitude (in a nice way)

How could he/she improve?,
- Not allow and/or engage in so many loud and disruptive conversations that do not pertain to lab.
- He is at his MAX!
- Somehow make preservatives (for disections) smell like flowers or something.
- "insert mean statement"
- Not to blast the A/C when driving [on the field trip].
- Nothing that I can think of, even my best friend who joined our lab commented on your greatness ;)
- SMILE MORE!
- Maybe go the the gym a little
- talks too much, which wastes lab time
- Be more cool
- psst . . . make the quizzes easier









*Apparently I need to do a better job of teaching these students how to spell 'dissection'

When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor

Last week while administering an exam, I got a phone call from one of my friends. Obviously I didn't answer. A few minutes later I got another call. Then a text. I figured it must be important, so I took my phone out of my pocket to see what was going on. Turned out that they had a suite at Planet Hollywood for the weekend, but weren't going to be able to use it that night. They wanted to know if I wanted it. Of course I did, because, hey, free suite.

It turned out to be the Sharon Stone suite, with a bunch of memorabilia from various movies starring her. There were a bunch of pictures of her on the walls, outfits she'd worn in various movies displayed in huge cases around the suite, and coffee tables/end tables with glass tops and props from her movies, including her cigarette case, the ice pick, the lie detector machine, etc. from Basic Instinct. It was kind of cool.

I took a bunch of pictures, but something was wrong with the lighting in the room, my camera, or both, so none of them turned out and you're going to have to take my word for it since the pics below don't do it justice. Which is a shame, because as I texted my friend upon my arrival, there were so many nice surfaces, I wouldn't even begin to know which one to first snort my coke off of.

Anyway, here are the few that actually look decent:
The bed:


The nightstand (aka, coke snorting surface number three):


The view the next morning (because the really cool night shots were all blurry):


Memorabilia table (aka, coke snorting surface number one)


Also unfortunately, I spent the night alone. I told a friend the next morning that if there was ever a room for housekeeping to enter only to find my dead body slumped over a pile of cocaine, or naked in the closet with a belt around my neck, that would've been the room.

Ah, missed opportunities.

And the wise man said I don't wanna hear your voice

Friend: I just got a text that said "are you a guy?"

Me: From who? And are you?

Friend: From an unknown number. I said, "yes, who is this?" and they said, "a girl - how old are you?" How does someone get my number?

Me: I don't know. I mean, I spray painted it on the wall in the locker room at like three local high schools, but I don't know.

And I believe there's a way to describe the silence as a sound

I've compiled another music mix for my your listening pleasure. Check it out. These only show up here once every six months or so.

Just One In A Billion(click to download)
1. Bad Sun - The Bravery
2. Lover's Waltz - A.A. Bondy
3. Keep It Clean - Camera Obscura
4. Long Time - Deer Tick
5. Pavement Tune - The Frames
6. Flashing Red Light Means Go - The Boxer Rebellion
7. So Lonely - The Whigs
8. Sirens - The Whip
9. Poised And Ready - Brendan Benson
10. Apple Trees - Eels
11. Sabali (Paul Epworth Remix) - Amadou and Mariam

Enjoy!

Kinda hard to blame somebody for goin' to a better place

Most of my friends are out of town this weekend. That makes for a boring Friday night. So, I did what I usually do when I'm alone and bored - I went for a drive. I drove across Hoover Dam to Arizona so I could go down by the banks of the Colorado River. It's been a while since I've been near flowing water. It relaxes me. I should do it more often.

On the way back I had to stop at a police checkpoint. They stop everyone to inspect their vehicles to make sure nothing's suspicious looking before allowing people to cross the dam. As I pulled up to the officer, he told me to roll down my window so he could see inside my car. Just then the song Paradise Blues by Eels came on the stereo.

Scary little suicide bomber
On her way to paradise
Gonna take yourself and be with her
Killin' once and killin' twice

Not exactly the best timing.

But still it's been written, a history of lovers, given and taken in ink

My ex-wife called the other day to let me know that Togers was the recipient of the "loverboy" award at his end of year band concert.

She told me that his teacher said he probably would've gone out with more girls, but there weren't any he hadn't already dated.

This is what I want to do to him* for not sharing his secrets with his old man.










*Not really, but kinda

We haven't met and that's okay

On the first day of my summer class, I was going down the roster to see who was in attendance to find out if I had extra room for a few people who were trying to add. When I got to the 'M's, one student's last name was Montana.

Me (after calling out their name): Any relation to Hannah?

Student: No, but Joe is my uncle.

Me: Really?

Student: No.

The most disturbing thing about this exchange was this: Why wasn't Joe Montana the first celebrity to pop into my mind?

Box full of letters - 7

Dear Smart Car Drivers,

I admire what you're doing for the planet by driving cars that get a godzillion miles to the gallon. That said, I'd like to offer you a word of advice: You should refrain from getting a vanity plate* that makes it seem as though you're trying to look tough.



You're driving a smart car. You're not tough. It's okay that you're not tough, but you're not. Your vanity plate should read something like TRE HGR or something instead.

Much love,

Native Minnow







*If, however, this plate isn't about looking tough, but is referring to your favorite activity**, then please disregard this.

**But that's pretty gay if that's the case.

Every breath you take

Tonight I went with a friend to get dinner and watch basketball. He dropped me off at my car when we were finished. As we pulled up I noticed a piece of paper under the windshield wiper.

I said, "That had better not be a flier from somebody. If it is I'm going to be pissed. I hate those things."

My friend asked, "What else would it be?"

"It had better be a note from my stalker."

It was.

There's an eventual release from every scale of crime

Yesterday afternoon I got a text from my ex-wife. It said, "Just told [Mr M] to go sit on his bed until he does what he was told. He replied, 'I am gonna be sitting there forever 'cause I am not going to do it.'"

Almost immediately after that I got a second text from her saying, "Well, it took less than five minutes for him to get sick of his room so he did it. So now you know, forever equals five minutes to [Mr M]."

Shock the monkey

Contender for worst children's book ever:



Even worse is that it was in a college book store.

Tell me it's not just me that thinks so, but at least it wasn't 'Choke the Chicken.'

So you can take this cookie, and stick it up your . . . yeah

Yesterday, while at the grocery store with a friend, I found some cookies that looked pretty good. My friend said that she probably shouldn't eat one because she's trying to lose weight, but then read the label and said that she'd have to try at least one because they were "enrobed in chocolate."

When we got to the check out line, a man brought a few items to hand to the woman in front of us. He held up a package of cookies and she said no. He said, "please?" but she still said no. Dejectedly, he handed her whatever she'd sent him to get, and walked back to the cookie aisle to put them back.

The cashier finished up with them, and then grabbed my things to scan.

My friend said, "No cookies. No." Basically to make fun of the woman in front of us.

The cashier looked at her and laughed.

My friend said, "I'm just kidding. I don't own him like that."

I said, "I'm probably not going to share my cookies with you anyway."

"That's okay. Maybe I don't want them. Your cookies are 'enrobed' in sin."

I turned to the cashier and said, "That's the best way to be enrobed."

She blushed. Understandable, since she had no idea what the 'enrobed' joke was about anyway.

When I came here today, all I wanted to say was how much I miss you

Just wanted to take a second to let the people of the internets know that I have the most awesome mother in the entire world.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

This could be your lucky day in Hell

Last night I had plans with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. She had a final exam in the evening, and said she'd call me when she finished.

I got an email from her in the middle of the day stating that she didn't have her phone, so she'd just come over to my house after she was done. I emailed her back to say that would be perfect (since I wanted to watch the NBA playoffs anyway).

Later in the evening, I logged in to facebook and saw that she'd changed her status to "I think I may get lucky tonight."

Imagine my disappointment when I realized that I forgot to give her the new gate code to my neighborhood, and couldn't call to let her know.

I'll never look down again, again

Earlier this week:

Ex-wife: Hi. I need you to talk to your son. He got in trouble on the playground today.

Me: Okay. Put him on.

Mr M: Hi Dad.

Me: Hi dude. Your mom said you got in trouble at school today.

Mr M: Yeah. I did.

Me: What did you do?

Mr M: I called a girl a midget.

Me: Why did you do that?

Mr M: Because she is.

At least he's penitent. Oh, wait.