How can I convince you it's me I don't like?

Yesterday was a long day for me. I went to a symposium put on by many of my fellow grad students, and afterward had a couple of parties to go to. The first party was a going away party of sorts for a friend of mine. He's not actually moving until January, but he's leaving in a couple of days to get married, and won't get back into town until a lot of people have already left for Christmas. The second one was a birthday party for a friend of mine. There seem to be a lot of those these days.

Of course, each of these events had a lot of food that was just begging to be consumed. And who am I to turn down food that is begging to be consumed? If there's one thing that graduate students everywhere have in common, it's that we take full advantage of free food whenever it's available. I ended up eating about twice as much food as I would normally eat in a day, maybe even more, and as a result I began to feel a wave a nausea. It hit me at the birthday party while I was talking to the birthday girl:

Me: I've eaten so much tonight that I feel like I'm going to puke*.
Her: Are you serious?
Me: Yeah, I'm bulemic.
Her: I can't really see you as a bulemic.
Me: What, are you saying I'm fat?




*I puked

If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts

The other day a friend of mine asked me if The Royal Tenenbaums was my favorite movie of all time. It's a great movie, one of my favorites, but I don't think that I could give it favorite movie of all time status. I told my friend this, then he asked what would be my favorite movie. I said that I'd probably have to go with Gladiator, and given more time to think about it, I'm sticking with that choice.

Why Gladiator? Because I can't think of any other movie that got me so excited for its release, and then delivered by exceeding all of my expectations. I watched it several times in theaters, and even bought the DVD as a Christmas present to myself before my wife and I owned a DVD player. I also own the soundtrack, and after the conversation with my friend, I went home and played it. It still got me excited after all this time.

Could it be dethroned? Absolutely, it just hasn't been yet. But I'm curious now. I want you all to humor me and tell me what your favorite movie is and why.

But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns, and thinking of someone for whom he still burns

Here's the story about how my friend had a birthday and made me get a speeding ticket (what a bitch that friend is for doing that, I know).

She sent me an email a few days ago asking me if I wanted to join her at an Irish Pub last night. I have to admit that I wasn't too keen on going (since I've been working my butt off this week - literally, it fell off), but then I found out it was for her birthday celebration so thought I'd stop by for a little while. What could go wrong with that?

Well, I'll tell you what can go wrong with that. Plenty!

First, I drove out there with another friend of mine. We'll call him BJ (even though it has very little to do with his real name and he hates it when I call him that). BJ and I left campus in my car and drove out to meet the birthday girl & Co. When we walked into the place, they came to seat us and we told them we were looking for a group of people. Just then the birthday girl let out a big laugh, and the hostess said, "Can you hear them?" We obviously could so didn't need her to show us to our table. We sat for a while, beverages were consumed, jokes were told, and many laughs were had. It had all the makings of an enjoyable evening. They even had an Irish band playing, and let me tell you, you haven't truly lived until you've heard the up-tempo Irish version of Radiohead's Creep. I would normally hate that Irish band for ruining one of my favorite songs, but I actually know the fiddle player, and she's so nice that I can't hate her (no matter how much she might deserve it).

Unfortunately, I really was tired, plus it was a weeknight, so BJ and I left after being there a little more than an hour. I drove BJ back to campus so that he could get his car. After dropping him off I pulled off of campus and onto one of the major streets around campus. Little did I know that I was accelerating quickly. Quickly enough that Officer D. Devitte was horrified by my speed. Or maybe he was just looking out for the safety of that one other driver that was about a mile ahead of me on the road because you never know what a crazy guy like me is going to do when he's driving out of control. I ramped through my gears so fast that I was doing 48 mph within about two feet of the place that I turned onto the road. You had no idea that my car could go that fast that quickly did you? Neither did I. I always thought that it was powered by about seven hamsters running on a wheel, but there's no way that seven hamsters could crank out that kind of speed. Maybe the last time I took it to Jiffy Lube they upgraded me to seven squirrels or something. Everyone knows that squirrels run faster than hamsters.

Anyway, I also didn't have a current proof of insurance card in the vehicle with me so Officer D. Devitte wrote me a ticket for that and the speeding. In the time that it took him to write that ticket seven Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift type cars zipped by us, but those guys couldn't have been going as fast as I was. I'm also pretty sure that within a five block radius of where we were about 700 drug deals went down, 87 stereos were stolen from cars, 3 children were kidnapped, someone was raped and murdered and a drive by shooting was planned, but check the news to make sure.

So the way I see it, the birthday girl now owes me about $190 after I prove to the court that I do in fact have insurance on my car (that in no way shape or form is capable of accelerating as fast as Officer D. Devitte says it is) because if she didn't have to go and have her stupid little birthday party, then I would have gone home my normal way, at my normal time, and wouldn't have gotten pulled over because they can't pull you over when you're just one of 500 vehicles that are moving that fast on the same street. Sure, you might be saying that it's all my fault because the speed limit there is 30 mph so I should only drive 30 mph, but, I'm here to tell you that nobody can drive 30 mph on that street. Do you hear me? Nobody. I know because I've tried it about a million times, and I can never do it. Ok, maybe not never, but every time I do I get rear-ended because I'm going too slow (ok, so that only happened once, but then again, I've only driven 30 mph on that road once, so it really is every time).

I hate cops. But you know what? I say, "Screw you Officer D. Devitte. I'll drive the way I want." The people who come up with speed limits are all stupid anyway. They should really just be suggestions. That way all the stupid morons that don't know how to drive will kill themselves in fiery auto crashes and clear up the road for the rest of us.

Does anybody know if Ticketbuster people really can get your ticket reduced every time? I may have to look into that.

There's a whole new generation waiting to be wrecked by you

I got an email from an old friend the other day. I hadn't heard from him for a long time, but he wrote to inform me that he is getting married in a couple of weeks. The wedding's in Alberta, Canada, so I won't be going, but it was still good to hear some of the latest happenings of his life.

When we were undergraduates, this guy pulled off one of the best practical jokes I've ever seen. It still hasn't been corrected to this day. He used to work in a library, and one day when he was bored at work he created an imaginary book and entered it into the library catalog (although how one could ever be bored while working in a library is beyond me). As he was doing so he gave it a list of subject terms that would ensure it would appear in many different catalog searches. It was a subject list to be envied by all other books.

I searched for it after receiving his email, and the information is still there. Here it is, I especially like the 'General Notes' about the book:

Personal Author:
Fish pseud.
Title:
Fishboy rides again : anatomy of freshwater teleosts, autobiographical / Fish.
Publication info:
Abingdon, VA : Icthyo-Publishers, 1996.
Physical description:
xxvii, 382 p. : col. ill., maps, graphs, tables and charts ; 27 cm.
General Note:
"a collection of stories found in a green box near some trees, by a creek in Angel Fire, NM"
General Note:
book almost completely written without capitals. alternate spellings frequent.
Personal subject:
Picasso, Pablo, 1881-1973.
Subject term:
Atlanta Braves (Baseball team)--Collectors and collecting--Juvenile literature.
Subject term:
Accordian--instruction and study.
Subject term:
Airplanes--Piloting.
Subject term:
Animal psychology--Fish.
Subject term:
Architecture--Modern.
Subject term:
Artists as authors.
Subject term:
Australian football.
Subject term:
Cowboy poetry
Subject term:
Predatory animals.
Subject term:
Basketball.
Subject term:
Child psychology.
Subject term:
Children's literature.
Subject term:
Conservation biology.
Subject term:
Costume--England--History--16th century.
Subject term:
Deer hunting.
Subject term:
Drawing--Technique.
Subject term:
Ecology.
Subject term:
Fishes--Migration.
Subject term:
Folklore.
Subject term:
Freshwater fishes.
Subject term:
Gazelles--Behavior
Subject term:
Glass painting and staining.
Subject term:
Green.
Subject term:
Guitar--Instruction and study.
Subject term:
Landscape gardening.
Subject term:
Marine mammals--Cetacians
Subject term:
Mathematical physics.
Subject term:
Gauchos--Argentina.
Subject term:
Plants--Identification.
Subject term:
Geographic Information systems.
Subject term:
Neuroanatomy.
Subject term:
Oceanography--Northwest, Pacific.
Subject term:
Origami
Subject term:
Phrenology.
Subject term:
Bluegrass music.
Subject term:
Mythology.
Added author:
Betts, David J. (fish)
Added author:
Selin, Erma Margaret
Added author:
Hughlett, Jared S. P. (Samuel Peck), 1974- editor.
Holdings HBLL

Copy
Material
Location
927 F27
1
Juvenile Literature Collection
Juvenile Collection

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Last night I was walking with two of my friends, and we passed a store that was already decorated for Christmas. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Can we please wait until after Thanksgiving before people start putting Christmas ornaments in their store windows?
Friend 1: That stuff started going up before Halloween even.
Friend 2: They already have the lights up in Sunset Park. Do you have your two dollar coupon?
Friend 1: Yes, of course. I go to that every year.
Me: So is the coupon so you only have to pay two dollars to get in?
Friend 1: No, it's two dollars off the price.
Friend 2: It's pretty expensive, [Friend 3] tried to go through there on his bike one year and they wanted him to pay like $20.
Friend 1: It's not that much. It's only like ten bucks.
Me: Ten bucks for that is a rip off.
Friend 1: Where's your Christmas spirit?
Me: Where's theirs? They should let people see that for free.
Friend 1: Whatever. It takes them about a month to set up all those lights. They have to pay for that and the electricity.
Me: Well, they probably have more lights on Temple Square in Salt Lake City than they have at Sunset Park, and they don't charge people to go see those.
Friend 1: Whatever. They make you pay for that your entire life. It's called tithing.
Me: That's just for those who are members of the mormon church, but non-members don't have to pay it.
Friend 1: Oh, the two mother fucking non-mormons in Utah can go see that for free. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
Me: Yes, I think it is.

Riveting, I know. But if I didn't tell you that story you'd have been left with nothing today. Leave me alone.

I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely, I am so much better than I used to be

There's a girl that I have a monster crush on. I know better. It's a relationship that wouldn't go anywhere even if it did blossom, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it to. I guess it's true that a person doesn't always get to choose who they fall for.

It used to be that I'd talk to her on the phone almost every night. I'd also get to see her several times a week, if only for a few minutes at at time. Unfortunately, she got busy, then I did too, and things just kind of came to a stop. That was a few months ago.

I don't see or talk to her very often any more, just enough to keep the crush alive. I saw her twice today though. Both times I was talking to someone else, and couldn't really break away to go talk to her. I know she saw me both times, and probably thinks that I'm giving her the cold shoulder or something. Part of me wants to call her to make sure that she knows I wasn't. The other part, the logical part that knows I don't have the time or energy to put into a relationship even if it did have a chance of going somewhere, thinks I should just let it go, let her think what she will and see if I can get the crush to dwindle.

Once every hundred-thousand years or so when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow and the grass doth grow

Last night I saw Tenacious D in concert. They're touring for the first time in a few years to promote their new album and their movie, The Pick of Destiny. The show was sold out so we got their early to try and get close to the stage, but everyone else had the same idea and the best we could do was the back of the floor directly out from center stage. That was still close enough for me (I'm tall so I was able to look over everyone else and see the stage just fine).

The opening act was a comedian named Neil Hamburger. If you ever get a chance to see this guy perform, DON'T. It was the worst act I've ever seen in my life (If you clicked on the link you saw that's part of the goal. It doesn't make sense to me either). Most of his jokes didn't even make sense, and most of them were fairly repulsive to boot (example: Why did Madonna feed her baby Alpo dog food? She didn't have a choice, it was the only thing that would come out of her breast; this was one of the cleanest ones too). He only told one joke that I thought was funny (Q: What do you get when you cross Elton John with a saber-tooth tiger? A: I don't know, but keep it away from your ass), and the highlight of the show was when someone in the audience threw something and hit him in the forehead as he was getting ready to deliver one of his "punch-lines." I think it was the first time I've ever seen someone literally get booed off the stage.

The night got much better once Tenacious D took the stage. Those guys really put on a good show, and it really was more of a show than a concert as it had a story line intertwined with all the songs they played. They began the show with the stage set up like it was Kyle's apartment, and they were both sleeping on the couch (under a giant superman blanket). Once the crowd 'woke them up' they started playing. Eventually they decide that the band needs to take the next step and "go electric," but when they plug in the so-called electric guitar (a toilet seat with orange strings and a piece of cardboard attached) they get electrocuted and end up in Hell. There they decide to form a rock band which includes Charlie Chaplin, Colonel Sanders and the anti-Christ. I don't know who the people that were dressed up really were, but they could play. The rest of the show was a mixture of heavy metal songs and the traditional Tenacious D sound. There was even a "Rock Off" between them and the devil as they tried to cancel out a contract that KG had signed to benefit their careers.

I laughed almost the entire time. Watching Jack Black's facial expressions while he was singing was hilarious. The guy showed so much energy. They played most of my favorites off their old album as well as some stuff from the new one (I'm going to have to pick it up when it's released). I enjoyed the show even more than I thought I would. I guess you could say they 'rocked my socks off.'

Bouncing here and there and everywhere

I meant to write this post about a month and a half ago, but somehow it just didn't happen. I was reminded of it today when I read my friend's post about giving his kids a better childhood than he had. He's certainly had to make some sacrifices in order to do this, and I admire him for it. Had I been willing to make some of the same sacrifices, I might still be living with my kids.

One of the things that is a given at his house is that there are always sweets. I love it, and I'm sure his children do as well. It'll probably be one of the things they look back on fondly when reminiscing about their childhood. I love it because, let's face it, I'm a sugar-holic, and I'm bound to get my sugar fix when I'm visiting him without having to leave his house to drive to the store for it.

The last time I stayed with him I heard him call to his wife from the kitchen:

Him: Hey, you only cleaned up the part of the fridge that you could see.
Her: I can't help it if I'm short.

I went in to see what they were talking about and saw this:















Apparently she had been trying to put some things away when the big bag of Gummy Bears ripped and spilled all over the kitchen. She was trying to keep the kids from picking them up off the floor and eating them and didn't realize they had spilled on the top of the refrigerator when she was cleaning it all up.

It was probably one of those moments that you had to witness to know how funny it was. It was funny to the three of us even if it wasn't funny the way I presented it here. Deal with it.

I enjoy being a boy

I owe a special thanks to my father for donating his Y chromosome to me rather than his X. There are many reasons why I am happy about this, but I will only list the best two here:

1. I can pee pretty much anywhere I want to.
2. I never have to give birth to a child.

Need I say more?

This one is dedicated to my one true love, the ladies

The other night I went out with my friends and one of them asked for a cup full of cherries to go along with his drink. Another friend of mine took the opportunity to demonstrate his ability to tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue.

Our waitress (to the friend who requested the cherries): You just tied those in a knot with your hands didn't you.
Him: No.
Her: You did it with your tongue?
Him (nodding toward my other friend): I didn't, he did.
Her (to my other friend): You can do that? Who knew?
Other friend: The ladies knew.

The guy never misses a beat.

Satan is my motor

Here is a list of personal slogans that I've come up with, but for some reason or other have failed to catch on:

• Lice free since Tuesday
• Shootin' blanks: I'm snipped baby!
• Hanging out with me is a vomit inducing good time
• It's nothing a good Kleenex can't fix
• Smells more like feet than feet
• It's not really a cult per se, it's just the only true way to get into heaven
• I can quit any time I want, it's only heroin
• Explosive diarrhea is really only funny in the movies

Feel free to chime in with some more.

I could spend three dollars and 63 cents on diet Coca Cola and unlit cigarettes

I'm not completely sure, but I think that Hell might have frozen over yesterday. I always thought that Nevada would be the last place that would vote to ban smoking, but apparently I was wrong. I'm happy about it, but certainly didn't expect it.

I have to enjoy this while I can. It's not likely to last for too much longer, although a guy can dream can't he?

Thriller

I just got this email from my ex-wife:

"Your kids are singing karaoke to Thriller. [The youngest] is break dancing alongside them. I’m scared."

I am too. But at least it's not Billy Jean.

I need a hero

It's election time again! I wish I could really be excited about it, but I can't (it's not like we can get rid of our retarded president this time). In fact, with election day coming up I've been constantly reminded of how much I dislike politicians. The focus always seems to be on what the opponent did or didn't do rather than what a good job the candidate in the ad will do if elected. I get tired of mud-slinging rather quickly, and there are actually some offices that I may not vote for either candidate simply because that's all they've been doing. That'll learn 'em.

Mud-slinging has gotten to be too popular in advertising as well. I find it interesting when a company will advertise about how bad another company's product is rather than come up with something creative to illustrate how good their own is. It always leaves me with the feeling that they must not have anything good to say about their own product when they do that.

Last night I saw a Subway commercial that talked about how much fat was in McDonald's food and I was slightly puzzled. For one thing, I don't even consider these two restaurants to be direct competitors. I guess they're both vying for our lunch dollars, but it really depends on what someone is in the mood for. If someone's not in the mood for a sandwich they aren't going to eat at Subway regardless of whether or not they get a crappy hamburger at McDonald's. Secondly, I thought I told Jared from Subway to go away. Obviously he didn't listen.

Just ego tripping

I've always said that I'd rather be rich than famous. If you're rich and famous, then you have to deal with a bunch of people wanting financial favors from you just because they married your great-aunt's brother-in-law's third granddaughter's second cousin twice removed. That and the paparazzi. Those guys seem like a real pain in the ass.

Anyway, there are a few circumstances where it would be good to be famous, even if one wasn't necessarily rich. One that comes to mind right away would be crowd surfing in a giant plastic bubble as Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips does here:

Unfortunately, I didn't take this picture, a girl I know did. I've never seen The Flaming Lips perform live, but I hear that they put on an awesome show. I told her that I was jealous of her for getting to see them in concert, and that I'd really like to crowd surf in a giant bubble, but alas, I don't have the fan base for it. She offered to be my fan base, but crowd surfing by definition requires more than one person (hence, the reason why fame would be beneficial). When I pointed that out to her, she came up with the following:

"I have a solution. It involves lots of drugs and alcohol. But I promise it'll give you the illusion of having a fan base!! And when you crowd surf into that group of 5 yr olds at the zoo, having the "I was high" defense will be totally valid."

Now I just need to get my hands on one of them plastic bubbles.

I couldn't chew my meat real good

A friend of mine took his comprehensive exam today, and passed, thus demonstrating his intellectual superiority over me. I'm happy for him. I think he was more nervous about it than I was, so I'm glad that his didn't end with the same result as mine. I just have to secretly think he's a bastard from now on.

So, even though I think he's a bastard, I accepted his invitation to go out to dinner tonight so that we could all celebrate his bastardliness. Besides, it's not every day that you get to start secretly thinking that one of your friends is a bastard. Plus, I wanted to hang out with another friend of mine who is not a bastard. My friend who is not a bastard was in town because my friend who is now a bastard put my non-bastard friend on his committee at the last minute. Also, my friend who is not a bastard is flying out of town first thing in the morning, so this was my last chance to see him for a while. Still with me? Good.

We went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. It was good, and even better once I found out that my bastard friend's father (now there's a conundrum) insisted on paying for us all. He's also leaving tomorrow, so even though I just met him two days ago (even though I've known my friend who I now secretly think is a bastard for eight years), this was my last chance to see him (seriously, how often do you get to have dinner with a living conundrum?).

Why am I telling you this? Because my friend who is not a bastard ordered tongue (he's from Spain, they like to eat weird stuff over there. In fact, pretty much all they eat is tongue and anchovies and sardines, all they drink is Sangria, and they're all matadors, if not professionally then at least in their spare time). So anyway, I've never tried tongue before, and I was feeling adventurous, so I asked my non-bastard friend for a bite. He obliged and cut me off a piece (after all, he's the one that's not a bastard), and I ate it. It was a very difficult thing to do, not because it tasted weird, but because when I was in high school I worked in a meat packing plant, and all I could think of while I was chewing was a big hairy cow's tongue hanging from a meat hook. It just took a little bit of determination to get it down, and then everything was fine after that.

At least until now. Now I'm feeling ill. It's not from the food, I actually felt like something was coming on while I was at the restaurant, but was hoping it was all in my head. I'm kind of hoping that I'll puke before I go to bed. If I do, I'll probably think that the tongue tasted about the same coming back up as it did going down.

The piece of tongue will probably think the same thing about me.

I say don't you know. You say you don't know. I say take me out

From time to time someone will ask me about the 'type' of girl I tend to be interested in. I used to think that I didn't have a certain 'type,' but one day I was telling someone my list of the five best looking actresses and realized that they all kind of looked the same. I guess that means I have a 'type' after all.

I don't really ask for much. A girl just has to be smart, funny, attractive and thin (those last two generally go hand in hand). Oh, and she has to like the same music, movies and t.v. shows as me. She also can't have children, nor want them, yet must be willing to accept that I have three (does that make me a hypocrite? of course. do I care? not really). She must also be ok with the fact that I don't want to re-marry. I already did that one time too many. And one last thing, she has to be available, and interested in me. Therein lies the dilemma, and is the reason why I've come to terms with the fact that I will remain single for quite some time.

Anyway, back to the part about skinny girls. A lot of my friends think that I like girls who are way too skinny. I remember pointing out one girl that I thought was cute to one of my friends, and all he said was, "That chick needs a hamburger."

A little while ago I was looking at a girl while I was having dinner with a few of my friends (hey, I'm well on my way to being a dirty old man, it's what we do). One of my friends said that the girl I was looking at was way too skinny for him.

Him: You know, curves are ok on a girl. It gives you something to grab onto.
Another Friend: He likes girls that make his penis look big in comparison.

I guess that's one more thing to add to the list.

I don't need you, I want you

Last week I was supposed to get a chance to hang out with one of the prettiest girls I know. Unfortunately, it didn't end up happening. I wasn't really surprised, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little bit disappointed.

She sent me a text message to apologize. I was busy at the time, so I didn't respond right away, and then forgot to later. She must have thought I was mad at her because she called me a day or two later.

Her: I'm really sorry that I didn't see you on Tuesday. It was just one of those really hectic days, but it'll all be over next week and I was wondering if you'd want to get together for lunch. Or maybe just a snack if you don't have time, but if you're busy I understand. I just feel really bad and wanted to make it up to you.
Me: I'm sorry, what was that?
Her: You mean I just said all of that and you weren't even listening?
Me: Sorry, I'm putting together a new mix CD right now, so I'm a little pre-occupied.

A little while later:

Her: So, who are you making the mix CD for anyway?
Me: Myself, of course.

Like I would go out of my way to do anything for anyone else. I'm much too selfish these days.

(it's probably a little obvious that I've given up on women)

Whose house are you haunting tonight?

Ok, here's the Halloween costume:
















In case you're wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be, I'm Eli Cash from The Royal Tenenbaums:

















And if you're wondering about the make-up, it comes from the scene at the end where he's on the way to Etheline's wedding, he's high, and he crashes his car into the mailbox.

Here's a closer look:
















I swore that I wasn't going to wear make-up, because the last time I did it ruined my opportunities for kissing throughout the night, but once my friend, A-Pizzle, gave me the costume idea, it was just too good to pass up. Luckily (?) there wasn't anyone who wanted to this year.

Holding on to always just seems irrelevant now

The other day my ex-wife emailed me the link to her wedding photos. I'd like to post some of the best ones, but she gave me express instructions not to, so I'll honor her wishes.

When she first told me that she wanted to get married in a bikini on the beach I thought it would be the trashiest thing ever (probably because I'd envisioned something like this), but it actually looked like it turned out nice. It still wouldn't be my first choice of locations for a wedding, but it worked for them.

I have to admit, she looks really good in the photos, and they look happy together. In fact, as I was looking through the pictures I doubted that she'd ever looked at me the way she was looking at him. That's ok, maybe that means this one will last.

It's definitely a strange feeling though. I don't want her back. We weren't all that happy together in the first place, but the main feeling that came over me as I looked through the pictures was "she was mine first."

Candy Candy Candy I can't let you go

Is it just me, or have things gotten a little out of hand on the candy front? Every time I'm at a drugstore or a gas station it seems as if there's a new candy bar variety. Ok, so it seems to be highly concentrated in the candy that comes to us from Hershey, Pennsylvania, but still.

I believe it began quite some time ago when Hershey's first introduced their cookies 'n creme candy bar (or maybe it was the mint - I can't remember which came first). But things have escalated recently with the introduction of Hershey's caramel, extra dark, strawberries 'n creme, raspberries 'n creme, and almonds 'n toffee. All of which have gained the Native Minnow nod of approval (with the exception of extra dark, I haven't tried that one yet).

They have introduced almost all of these changes to Kit Kat bars as well. You can now get Kit Kat bars in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate fudge, strawberries 'n creme and orange creme (I'd stay away from the orange creme if I were you - consider yourself warned).

The changes to Reese's seemed to be more stepwise. They started off nicely with the introduction of the Reese's Big Cup, which quickly became one of my favorite candy bars. Around the same time they introduced the white chocolate Reese's, which is ok, but nowhere near as good as the regular old milk chocolate one. After the success of those two, they decided to get all kinds of crazy and introduce the inside out version, where the peanut butter was on the outside and the chocolate was on the inside. That one didn't seem to be as popular, and I haven't seen it for quite some time. Maybe that's because it wasn't very good. Next came Reese's with caramel, which is actually decent, but it's still no Big Cup. But the last one is where they crossed the line. If you ever see a Reese's with marshmallow at the candy counter stay away. I repeat, STAY AWAY! You know it's bad when I won't eat another one, because I will eat just about anything that has sugar in it (black licorice, or anything else with that flavor, being the lone exception).

Someone should tell the good people of Hershey, PA that there actually can be too much of a good thing. I understand their plan of trying to dominate the candy aisle with sheer numbers of choices (take a look next time you're at the store, I guarantee you'll see a good portion of the space filled with Reese's orange), but when you're constantly throwing it in my face I'm going to be more likely to go for something else. Perhaps a nice Milky Way instead?

They could not take your pride

Last night I went shopping for my Halloween costume. You might think it's a little late in the game for that, but you have no idea, I didn't even come up with a costume until yesterday afternoon. The costume idea is AWESOME (at least I think so). Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do it right, so I just have to make do with what I can get on short notice.

I had to go to the Goodwill Superstore near my house to see if I could find some of the most critical parts, and while I was there I had to call my friend so that he could look up some details for me. I want to get this right. He was able to tell me what I needed, and then another friend of mine called (yes, I was that guy, you know, the one who walks around the thrift store talking on his cell phone the entire time). I was excited to tell him about my costume, and told him where I was trying to find the different pieces to it.

Me: I'm at the Goodwill Store.
Him: I bet that smells good.
Me: I know. I hate coming into places like this because they always stink. I may be poor, but at least I bathe.

See?! I'm not the only one in the world who associates thrift stores with the poor people smell.

Anyway, I wasn't able to get the exact costume, but as my first friend pointed out "If you and I don't remember the details of this, nobody else is going to be able to either."

My second friend pointed out that in order to get it completely right I'd probably have to go to some specialty store. But I don't want to spend a lot of money, nor do I have any more time, so I'll just stick with what I got last night.

What's the costume you ask? You'll just have to wait and see. Depending on how well it turns out I may post pictures.

I'd stay alert, and dress to kill, I might even slip you something

My roommate told me a few weeks ago that his ex-wife was going to be coming into town so that she could visit their son for a couple of weeks. He wanted to make sure that it was ok with me before he told her she could because she's going to be staying at the house (he's going to go stay with some friends, he just didn't want to make her pay for a hotel room for two weeks).

He said that it would be toward the end of October, but that was the last I heard about it. The other night I asked his son if his mom was still coming to visit.

Me: Is your mom still coming? Your dad said it would be the end of the month, and it's the end of the month now, so I was just wondering.
Him: Yeah, but I don't know when. She's supposed to call and let me know.
Me: Good. I can't wait to put the moves on her.
Him: You're an asshole.
Me: You can't talk to me like that, I could be your new step dad.

A little while later I was getting my dinner out of the microwave (Wolfgang Puck's clam chowder - mmmmm) and decided to keep it going:

Me: Seriously, is your mom hot?
Him: Arrrgh. I don't know. She's pretty, but she's my mom.
Me: Good. She's pretty. That's all I need to know. She already has a kid so I know she puts out.
Him: You asshole. You know she's going through a divorce.
Me: I know. That's why she's going to need someone who can take her mind off things.
Him: . . .

Then, last night, we were watching t.v. and a commercial for Bailey's Irish Creme came on.

Me: I can't wait until your mom gets here and I can get her drunk.
Him (trying to get back at me): I can't wait until your daughter comes next time, so I can try and get her drunk.
Me: She's only twelve, so that makes you a pedophile. I guess it's true what they say about you after all.

Sometimes it can be so fun to be a jerk.

Talk is often cheap and filled with air

During this week's Monday Night Football game there was a catered function taking place at the bar. Luckily, even though we weren't allowed into the area with the free food, our booth was right next to it, so we were able to score a couple of bite sized cheese cakes.

We tried to get one of the waitresses to bring us a couple of slices of carrot cake, but she didn't come through in time. She said she'd try, but the caterer started cleaning stuff up before she could get over there.

As the caterer was packing stuff up, she grabbed two boxes full of the bite sized cheese cakes and carried them away. She was a little on the heavy side, so as she was walking off with the boxes one of my friends said, "Those cheesecakes don't stand a chance."

And you all thought I was the only one who made fun of people.

I probably shouldn't stare but I ain't fighting it fighting it and I think that she's aware and kind of liking it liking it

This morning a friend of mine had to drop her car off to have some work done, and I told her I'd pick her up and give her a ride to campus. As we were driving we began talking about some of our favorite music and movie quotes.

One of her favorites is: "Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top"

Her: "If you know where that's from you can get into my pants."

Me: "I do know where that's from. YES!"
(said while doing the Tiger Woods fist pump).

Her: "Too bad I don't ever wear pants."

Too bad indeed.

And Half Jewish Boys Make Kick Ass Drummers

I like to have my music turned up pretty loud while I'm driving. Since I do most of my driving alone, it's really not an issue, it's just one of the benefits to being single. The only times that it could really end up causing problems is if I don't hear a siren from an emergency vehicle right away, but that rarely happens.

The other day I was driving home from work and waiting at a red light. I looked over at the car next to me and a girl was motioning for me to roll my window down. I did, then turned down the music and asked her what she wanted.

She said, "My friend just wanted to hear that song."

Just some more validation that I listen to awesome music!

I like girls who like girls

One of my friends was telling me about how he caught his one of his teenage daughters looking at porn online. After he kicked her off the computer he went into the history to find out what kind of stuff she'd been looking at. He said there were sites such as Girls Gone Wild Gone Wrong, sites with Asian girls getting it on, and a few others with naked pictures of women.

Being the caring guy that I am, I offered the following advice:

"Dude, have her forward that shit to me."

I don't think he gave her my message.

It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy

Yesterday a bunch of us had to go to a CPR and First Aid training for work. It wasn't a very good class. I learned a few things, but most of it was stuff I already knew, but at least now I'm going to certified. To administer CPR to adults that is, they didn't go over anything for children, apparently that wasn't covered in the cost (and come to think of it, I'm not quite sure what was covered in the cost since we skipped over so much stuff, in fact, this post is going to be worse off because I couldn't keep the booklet and scan in some of the photos that I had jokes about*).

I don't think our instructor was very happy with us. Apparently nobody had bothered to warn her that she was going to be teaching CPR to a bunch of immature jackasses who didn't really want to be there in the first place (as if being immature jackasses alone wasn't going to be enough to make it a long day for her).

It started right off the bat when one of my friends walked in, saw the instruction booklet titled Adult CPR, and said, "Good, that means we get the nudie ones."

She began talking about how a lot of things have changed with what the Red Cross recommends, and so anyone who had been trained previously would see a few differences. Then she went into the ABCs of CPR. She said that A is for airway, B is for breathing, and then before she got to C, I asked my friend, "What's C for? Cunnilingus?"

He replied, "I don't know. Maybe. They've changed it."

She talked about how you have to receive permission from a person before you begin trying to help them out, but that there were circumstances where that was not possible, such as someone who is unconscious when you find them. She told us that when someone is unconscious, that gives you implied consent. At that point, my friend got a hopeful look on his face, implying that it would be good if that held for any situation.

She also talked about what to do in case of an emergency situation. First, you have to check the scene to make sure it's safe. Once you've done that you call 911 (or instruct someone else to do so), and then you give care to the person in need. After going through all the steps, we had to practice them on the dummies, and she was very adamant about making sure that we followed the steps correctly.

Three of us were practicing on our dummy, and when it was my friend's turn to start he said, "Dude, I'm checking the scene, and this scene is fucked up!"

The other guy said, "Yeah, there's a fire over here, a midget over there . . ."

There were a lot of other funny things, but I can't remember them right now, plus, I'm sure you're tired of reading anyway. You'll be happy to know that we all got certified, and will be getting our cards in the mail shortly. You still probably don't want to stop breathing around us though, because I'm pretty sure that none of us are really capable of bringing you back.

*There was a picture in the booklet showing what someone would look like if they were having a stroke. I'm sure it's hard to simulate long enough to have someone take a picture, but the guy totally looked like a zombie. He had his arms stretched out and everything. I made a comment about how you really wouldn't want to administer CPR to a zombie because he'd probably just eat your brain, and then you'd become one too. This prompted an entire discussion about whether it was even possible to resuscitate the living dead. We never came to a conclusion on that one.

He's going the distance

The other night a friend of mine and I went to watch the Monday Night Football game. Just as we were leaving school his mom called him, so he was talking to her as we walked. Apparently I was walking too fast because he took the phone away from his ear just long enough to say something to me about it:

Him: "What, are you running a fucking race?"
Me: "You can't talk like that with your mom on the phone."
His Mom: "What are you laughing at?"
Him: "I'm laughing at [Native Minnow]. He's walking fast, so I asked him if he was running a fucking race. He said that I can't talk like that with you on the phone."
His Mom: "Am I going to have to give you the lecture? You weren't raised to use language like that."
Him: "Sure. I didn't learn any of those words until I moved to Vegas."

Thanks for keeping my throne warm for me pal

I'm back! Sorry it's been so long. My weekend was fun, and I've been kind of swamped since I got back. Here's a (not so) brief recap of things.

We rented a cabin at Brian Head Ski Resort in Utah. It was pretty expensive, but not by the time we divided the cost between 16 people. The cabin we were in was really nice, probably nicer than any home I'll ever own. Unless I'm able to find myself that sugar mama that is. (the picture really doesn't do it justice)

I got there early on Thursday, in fact, I was a little too early since nobody else was there and I couldn't even get in without breaking a window or something. But, since it was my dad's birthday, and my parents only live another hour and a half away from where I was at, I decided to surprise him by showing up at the door (I called my mom first so she would know I was coming and keep him around the house). My sister and her husband had the same idea and flew down to see him (her husband's a pilot), so that pretty much solidified our status as the favorite kids.

Friday we got up and went mountain biking. We did a 14 mile trail that was almost all downhill. It was a bit technical (compounded by the fact that the trail was either muddy or covered in snow for most of the way) so I ended up crashing a few times. Nothing too bad, but enough to scrape up my knees some. It really isn't as bad as it looks, it's just that it kept bleeding as I rode and mud from the trail got mixed in with it, but most of it washed right off when I took to getting myself cleaned up. Later that night I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em, and broke even, so all in all the day was a success.

It pretty much snowed all day on Saturday, so that didn't leave us with the option of biking. I guess we could have, but that would have been crazy. Instead of sitting around the cabin all day long (I'd have hated to have gotten cabin fever and resorted to cannibalism) I decided to drive over and visit my grandma who is in the hospital with an infection in her leg. The roads were pretty bad, and I almost turned around, but then it lightened up as I came down off the mountain so I continued on and solidified my place as the favorite grandkid as well. I visited with her for about an hour until it seemed like she was getting worn out. I needed to get back over the mountain before the roads got too icy anyway, but I still felt guilty walking out of there. At one point in our conversation she asked me if I'd come over alone (I think she was trying to find out if I had a girlfriend, but she never came out and said it). I told her that I did (come alone), and that my friends were all back at the cabin playing cards, watching TV or working on their laptops, to which she replied, "Laptop people huh? That's who you run around with?" Yes Grandma, I run around with those crazy laptop people. Later that night I won the whole pot at Texas Hold 'Em. Look out World Series of Poker, here I come!

Since the snow storm left everything even more wet and muddy than Friday was, we decided to drive down toward Zion National Park to go biking there on Sunday. It was a lot of fun, even though the trail wasn't all down hill and that meant I had to work to get my biking in. This trail was only about 8 miles, but it wore all of us out. Here's a picture of me riding around on the rocks just minutes before successfully landing a jump off about a two foot drop. Unfortunately, I was so busy being proud of myself for staying upright on that one that I failed to see the next dip, and I went flying over the handle bars and landed flat on my back(note to self: Next time you can pat yourself on the back after the ride).

Anyway, I could go on and on (even more than I already have, I promise), but I have to go watch my friends lose a softball game right now, so I'm going to call it quits for tonight. I hope that all of you had a weekend that was as good as mine, but I doubt you did. It was exactly what I needed.

and I'm the king of the road

Here are the reasons why I am a good driver and everyone else sucks:

• I can drive near an accident, and even look at it, without slowing down
• I move to the right lane when someone behind me is going much faster than I am
• I use my turn signals
• I understand right-of-way laws
• When I make a left hand turn I end up in the correct lane when I straighten back out
• I don't think I'm too good to merge before my lane ends
• When I pass, I go more than 1 mph faster than the person I am passing, even when I'm driving uphill
• I find it easy to stay in my own lane, even while I'm talking on my cell phone and even if a gust of strong wind catches me while I'm reaching for some chocolate covered cinnamon bears
• I can work the gas and brake pedals equally well with either of my feet (with or without shoes on)
• I haven't fallen asleep at the wheel in 4 years, and the last time I did I was able to successfully maneuver a construction zone
• I can steer the car with my knee for a long enough period of time to jot down lists like these

And with that, I'm off to the mountains for the weekend. See you when I get back.

Summer . . . it's gone

My students are taking a practical midterm in lab this week, and I have to say that it is much less stressful to give an exam than it is to take one.

Here are the rules that I listed on the board at the front of the room:

1. No cheating (duh!)
2. Keep one empty station between you and the next person
3. Turn your cell phones OFF
4. Keep papers folded
5. Don't move the scopes
6. Go in order from where you start
7. Any cute girls must give their phone number to [Native Minnow]

all the riches in the world can't compare to your smile

I miss my kids. I don't get to see them nearly enough, and the times I do get to seem to pass by far too quickly. Sometimes I feel like I'm not much of a father to them because I live so far away, but at least they know that no matter what, I'm just a phone call away when they need me. Unfortunately, they don't always put that to use. My ten year old started to panic the other day because his teacher told the class how important math is because they'll have to use it every day of their lives, and math is his worst subject. I'm not as concerned about it as he is because I know he's a smart kid. In fact, his school placed him in the accelerated learning program this year, and his teacher said that he's still one of the smartest kids in his class (his best friend is an asthmatic kid in a wheelchair, no wait, that's Malcolm).

I wish I could say my daughter is in the same boat, but I can't. Her midterm grades are horrendous, but part of that is due to the trip to Mexico, and she's taking steps to get caught up now, so it's hard to be too mad at her. Disappointed, but not mad. She has been putting the 'just a phone call away' part of our relationship to good use over the past few days, mainly looking for help with certain homework assignments. I may not be smart enough to pass my comps, but I can explain the hydrological cycle, scientific notation, and the properties of water to a twelve year old over the phone.

My youngest son is probably the one I worry about the most. The other two have memories of living with me, but all he'll know is that I came by every other month or so for weekend visits the entire time he was growing up. I'm hoping that he'll understand everything later, but right now it's got to be confusing. He got mad at me a week and a half ago when I dropped them off, and he wouldn't come give me a hug goodbye, and don't think that didn't make it even harder to leave.

Anyway, this post is really just a bunch of rambling (aren't they all?), but since I've been thinking about my kids, I thought I'd write something about them, and post a few pictures. Thanks for bearing with me.

Lazy Head and Sleepy Bones always disagree

It's a sure sign that you're too tired when you get up in the morning if the following applies:

You wake up, take a shower, brush your hair and teeth, start to head out the door and then realize that you're not wearing a shirt.

I miss the innocence I've known

Most of you know that my ex-wife re-married last month. They went to Mexico and everything was quite nice from what I've been told. That is, aside from the fact that everyone's return flight got cancelled (they could only get back into the U.S. in small groups), and the fact that a big wave crashed over the beach during the ceremony (I'm told that the wave was large enough to get people scrambling up the beach to get away from it, yet it still knocked everyone but the bride and groom over - memorable to say the least).

It was the first time flying on a commercial airline for both my boys, and my four year old was able to get away with things that you or I could never hope to on the flight down. As soon as everyone was on the plane he thought it would be funny to start yelling "We're all going to die!"

What can I say? He's a funny kid. I only hope that he didn't cause a panic attack for someone who already had a fear of flying.

Hey everybody, where did Mary go?

I don't have any good stories to tell, so I'm stealing this idea from someone else, but it's ok, because I'm tayloring it to reflect my own shallow personality instead of his. Besides, I'm sure that I'm not the only person who thinks this way. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that everyone has a list like this, whether they know it or not.

On with it you say?

Fine.

There are certain names for members of the opposite sex that I tend to associate with attractiveness. The corollary to that is that there are also names that I tend to associate with unattractiveness. There's no doubt that some of this comes from past associations, such as girls I thought were cute when I was in high school, but there are others that I can't explain, and, if I hear someone mention something about a girl I don't know that has one of those names, I automatically assume that she must be pretty. Of course that doesn't always end up being the case, but there's the association just the same.

So anyway, here's my list of cute girl names. It's not all inclusive (obviously), and I've tried to leave off names of friends and family members (after all, I wouldn't want anyone to feel bad if their name got left off the 'hot list' or worse, had it included on the 'not-so-hot list,' plus, if it were one of my sister's names then someone could say I think my sister's hot, and that would just be gross).

Attractive	Unattractive
Tiffany	Becky
Leslie	Susan
Amy	Tara
Christine	Tabatha

Anyway, you get my point. I could keep going, but I actually misplaced the list that I had made up for this post, as you may have guessed once you read the last name in the unattractive list. I've never actually known a Tabatha, but she'd probably have warts on her nose along with other witch-like characters.

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control

The other day when I was talking about The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet, I was tempted to include a statement saying that he was so annoying that it wouldn't bother me if he died, but then I remembered what happened to the last person I said that about.

(I really want to just start talking about something else right now, just so that you're all left wondering what happened to the last person, but I guess I'll just finish the story instead. See how nice I am?)

There are several people around here who would give The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet a run for his money, and one day (a long time ago) one of the runners up had done something to piss me off. Let's just say that it started out with him acting like he was gay, and ended with him kissing me on the head. Unless you actually know this person, you don't know how disgusting that really was, and how furious it made me.

Anyway, several months after that incident I was having a conversation with someone, and it came up that I wasn't too fond of this particular runner up. They asked me if I really disliked this person that much, and I believe I said something along the lines of, "I want him dead."

The person I was talking to thought that was a bit harsh, and looking back, perhaps it was, but I said it.

A few months after that conversation, the runner up was in a very horrible car accident, had to be life flighted, spent several weeks in an Intensive Care Unit, and still hasn't completely recovered nearly 6 months later.

You're probably thinking that the moral to this story is that you should be careful about what you say, because you might feel bad about it later, right?

Wrong!

The real moral to this story? Don't fuck with me, lest I be forced to use my powers on you.

Our dog is two miles wide and all he talks about is pie

We had lunch at the Dining Commons today, even though it meant we had to walk clear across campus in the rain (yes, it does rain every now and again in the desert), and while I'm glad that I don't have to eat there for every meal (like the freshmen that live in the dorms) it's not too bad for an occasional meal. Plus, it's all you can eat for the low, low price of $6.50. Ok, so it's not that low, but you get my point.

After my meal, I got up to get some dessert. There were a lot of choices, too many to grab one of each, so eventually I settled on the carrot cake and walked back to our table.

Friend 1: "Out of all those choices that's what you got?"
Me: "It was either this or a piece of pie."
Friend 1: "Pie? I didn't see that. What kind did they have?"
Me: "It looked like Blueberry, or maybe it was blackberry."
Friend 1: "Boysenberry?"
Friend 2: "Gooseberry?"
Friend 1: "Dingleberry?"
Friend 3 (as he was returning with his dessert): "Did you just say dingleberry pie?"

Dingleberry pie. There's something I have yet to see on a dessert menu.

Gonna have myself a time

Someday I want to remember to call one of my friends "Detective Sandy Vagina" when they don't get excited about something that I think is cool, ala Eric Cartman.

The new season starts tonight, I must say I'm rather excited.


***EDIT***

I thought it would be a good idea to do a running diary of the first episode, but it was a better idea than it was a reality. It turns out I can't really do two things at once. Well, I can walk and chew gum, and drive and text at the same time, but apparently I can't think of funny things to write while I'm being entertained by a funny cartoon. So instead I'll just list a few of the thoughts that I had while making a weak attempt at keeping a running diary.

First, I really liked the episode. They've used a similar idea before when the boys were all pretending to be ninjas, but this one had better animation. I think it was brilliant to use World of Warcraft in an episode. The fat guy who was going around killing everyone in the game because he had no life reminds me of a few people I've known in my life. Sadly, my 10 year old son could very well end up that way as well with as much time as he spends playing that game. It's all he could talk to me about on the phone for about two months. Luckily, my ex-wife has since limited his computer time to an hour a day and he's more like a normal 10 year old again.

The commercials really bothered me for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm out of the age range of the typical South Park viewer, so I don't fit the demographic of their target audience, but seriously, who are these people who are dumb (desperate?) enough to text the word 'tease' to 44123 in order to start 'text flirting' with so-called girls? Do they really think they're talking to the cute girls that appear in the commercial, or is it one of those things where as long as you're imagining that it's a cute girl then it's ok? Half of the response texts are probably sent my men (and the other half by ugly women, and maybe even a few transvestites), and it probably ends up costing a LOT of money per text. I may be desperate for some action, but I think I'll pass.

The Triple Whopper from Burger King is just what the American public needs. Like we're not fat enough already.

I want to see Thank You for Smoking as much as the next guy (actually, probably a little bit more than the next guy) but I don't need a commercial every 20 seconds to remind me of that. I think they showed the ad three times during a single commercial break. The same thing goes for The Grudge 2, except I really don't want to see that movie.

They also kept showing ads for the new cartoon Freak Show. What I want to know is, what ever happened to good animation? Is that really so much to ask from the makers of a cartoon? It could be the funniest show on t.v. and I still wouldn't watch it because the animation is so crappy (and yes, I'm aware of how stupid that sounds coming from a guy who is going on and on about the greatness of South Park).

I loved the part where Cartman stages a rally to figure out how to defeat the guy that keeps killing them in WoW and says something along the lines of "If you could go back in time and stop Hitler would you? I mean, I wouldn't because I personally think he was awesome, but you would, right?" I honestly don't know which is worse, the fact that they put that into the episode, or the fact that it cracked me up. I'm so going to hell.
He follows that up with trying to convince the other boys not to quit playing WoW by saying "When Hitler rose to power a lot of people just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French." I can't wait to bring that up to the French guy in my research group.

And finally, I'm considering changing my screen name to lovestospooge.

She said my God just stop your cryin', just go outside and ride your bike

Things that my 4 year old son is NOT (according to him):

• A girl - declared when my 10 year old son pretended to take a picture of him with a toy cell phone and then showed him the picture of Barbie that was on the screen.
• A chicken - announced when he was told to stop being bratty or we'd have to chop him up and eat him, just like Charlie*.
• A napkin - proclaimed when my 1 year old niece had a snotty nose and I told him I was going to wipe it on him.

*When my nephew was young, my sister used to tell him that she was going to have to chop him up and eat him when he was misbehaving. When he would tell her that she wouldn't do that to him she'd say, "Oh yeah? What do you think happened to your brother Charlie?" She thought that she quit doing it by the time he was old enough to remember, but he's started telling his one year old sister about the fact that they used to have a brother named Charlie. I guess it goes to show that you always have to be careful what you say around children.

No, no, no she don't think straight

For some reason I was reminded of this story yesterday, and since I have nothing else to say I'll relate it to you now for your reading pleasure.

Most semesters I have assistants who sign up to help me teach in exchange for college credit, and the hopes of getting a letter of recommendation when it comes time for them to apply for medical/dental/graduate school. About a year ago I had assistants for every section I taught, which is usually a very good thing. It saves me a lot of time from grading quizzes and such, but during this semester I had a guy who really got on my nerves. We'll go ahead and call him The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to deal with The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet once a week, he was constantly bothering me to help me out with my research, all with the intent of being able to say he had research experience so that he could get into medical school (not that he has a chance in hell of that happening) and not because he's interested in doing research. I kept telling him that I didn't have anything for him to do, I even flat out told him that I would not be hiring him to help me under any circumstances, but it didn't stop him from asking. The truth is, I'd put more faith in a monkey to get my work done right than I would with this guy. In addition to all of this, he had a monster crush on one of the girls who had signed up to assist me in a different section, but she was too nice to tell him to bugger off (She's not British, I just wanted to use that phrase).

One of the responsibilities of these assistants is that they have to pick a day that they are going to cover the lecture, so she wanted to come to one of my earlier labs on the day she was supposed to teach so that she could get a feel for how to structure her presentation. It just so happened that she could only make it to the section where The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet was going to be at, but she decided just to grit her teeth and make it through it just so she wouldn't feel so unprepared when it was her turn.

When she showed up that morning, The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet and I were setting up for that day's lab, and she sat down and talked to us while we did. After sitting there for a few minutes she looked at me and said, "You really smell nice today. What are you wearing?" The problem was that I wasn't wearing anything, it was The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet's cologne that she liked, and he began beaming with pride that she liked the way he smelled. She was mortified because she figured that had only fueled his crush on her, and she was probably right.

So of course, I had to make fun of her for the rest of the semester for coming on to The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet. I even told a few of her friends about it so that they could tease her as well. In fact, as soon as I thought of the story yesterday I sent her an email about it, even though it's the first contact we've had in five or six months. I'm such a jerk.

When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor

With the number of people working in Hollywood, you wouldn't think it would be too much to ask for more of the movies that come out to actually be worth watching, but apparently it is. I've seen a couple of good movies recently, but there hasn't been much else worth watching.

In fact, it's gotten so bad that last weekend, when I was trying to distract myself from dwelling on the disaster that was my comps, I couldn't even find a movie to go see. That's saying a LOT because when I'm in that kind of mood I'm kind of like the drunk guy around closing time who is willing to hit on the ugly girl just to avoid going home alone.

These were my choices:

Crossover - the scene they seem to be most proud of is two people dunking the same alley-oop pass, plus there are dunks over motorcycles. No thank you.
Flyboys - a movie about WWI flying aces which is criticized by some as being less realistic than Snoopy's fights with the Red Baron.
Jackass 2 - stupid people going to watch a movie about stupider people doing stupid things.
Gridiron Gang - same as every other sports movie ever made, except this time starring the Rock.
The Covenant - boy witches (warlocks?) driving H2s over cliffs, and then reappearing seconds later unharmed. That sounds, like, totally awesome dude.
Crank - just like Speed, except the bus is a guy.
School for Scoundrels - Napolean Dynamite fights Billy Bob Thornton for a girl, that's not Angelina Jolie. Pass!

And there aren't very many good ones on the horizon either:

The Guardian - I have yet to see a very good movie starring Ashton Kucher.
Open Season - see above
Employee of the Month - Sorry, but Dane Cook isn't that funny. He's getting way too much publicity these days. Plus, Jessica Simpson sucks.
Man of the Year - Robin Williams isn't that funny either, and if the best this movie can offer is to have him dress up like he's in colonial times for his inauguration speech, or crack jokes playing on quotes from past presidents that really aren't that relevant anymore, then I'm not going to pay to see the movie.

Come on Hollywood. Get your shit together and ENTERTAIN ME!!!

Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me

I went out with some of my friends to watch Monday Night Football the other night. Near the end of the game a group of girls walked in and sat down. One of my friends expressed disappointment that it wasn't a group of guys for her to ogle.

My friend got up to visit the restroom, which was bad timing because she missed the re-enactment of one of the scenes from Dodgeball by this group of girls. It wasn't very funny in the movie, and it certainly wasn't funny when re-enacted by drunk people (in fact, few things in life are).

Her (upon returning from the restroom): "What do you guys think of those girls over there?"
Me: "Eh, they don't really do much for me." I then pointed at my friend and said, "and he thinks they're stupid."
Her: "Really? What makes you think that?"
Friend 1: "You can just tell by looking at them."
Her: "No really, how can you tell?"
Friend 2: "The two X chromosomes are a dead giveaway."

How much is that doggy in the window?

My ex-wife is moving again. It's only going to be a few houses down the street so the kids don't have to switch schools, but they're tired of fighting with the landlord to try and get him to take care of maintenance requests. The furnace has been out since May. It was red-tagged, so technically he shouldn't have been renting to them in the first place, but he still won't fix it. It's a big problem now that it's cooling off, and since he hasn't bothered to do anything about it in 5 months they've decided to move. I can't say I blame them.

One problem they have is that they aren't allowed to have pets in the new place, so they have to get rid of their two dogs. She's going to take them to they Humane Society, but she's quite sad about it. The puppy should find a new home pretty easily, but she's certain that the older dog is going to end up being put to sleep. She called me yesterday to see if I knew anyone who would be willing to take him. I don't.

My youngest son is taking it pretty hard. He's pretty attached to both dogs, and probably doesn't understand why they can't keep them. He said to my ex, "But Mom, they're both good puppies. You're breaking my heart."

I'm pretty sure that about broke hers.

Everybody knows that world is full of stupid people so meet me at the mission at midnight we'll settle up then

If I see another commercial that says something along the lines of "because what goes on the belly isn't what's important, but what goes in the belly is," implying that you should care more about what your (young) kids eat than what they want to wear, and that commercial is for McDonald's, I'm going to gouge my eyes out with an ice cream scoop.

Let's get this straight, McDonald's is NOT health food. Everyone knows that. I don't care if you can get milk and apple chips instead of french fries and soda with a happy meal, the happy meal itself is still not healthy! If you want to feed your kids fast food that's fine, just don't try and tell me that you're feeding them a healthy diet if you do.

The thing that irritates me is that McDonald's is trying to give the impression that they are a healthy place to eat. Even after Super Size Me (actually, it's probably because of Super Size Me). Even worse than that is there are people who are stupid enough to see that commercial and buy into it.

Hypothetical Stupid Person: "Hey look at that, McDonald's is healthy and if I really cared about my kids I would feed them lunch there every day."

Me: "That's not true, you're just stupid."

If you're that stupid, you probably shouldn't be reproducing. Unfortunately, most of the people who are reproducing shouldn't be.

Man I hate stupid people.

(I will now go get a vasectomy)

Lying on my back staring up at heaven, hoping that Jesus might save a place for me, but I'm not askin'

I went camping last night. We went to the Valley of Fire again, but this time there were fewer people and no fireworks (oh wait, we didn't do that last time either, because that would be wrong). I figured it might be a good way to take my mind off things, and it was, for a while. We got there later than we'd planned because traffic was bad. Something big was going on at the Las Vegas Speedway and I'm guessing it was Nascar related (I've never understood why people can stand to watch that stuff, but now that it's been proven that I'm stupid, maybe I should give it a try). It took us over two hours to get there when it's normally only about a 40 minute drive. Even so, we lucked into getting the last available site at the campground, and were able to get everything set up before dark, so things turned out fine.

We got a nice fire going, and grilled some garden burgers and sausages (what a combination, eh?) and had a good time just sitting and talking. A couple of my friends had a better time than the rest of us though. They downed an entire bottle of whiskey between the two of them, but I'm sure they regretted downing said bottle of whiskey when they woke up this morning. As usual, I was offered my share, but declined. I'm still not ready to take up drinking, but I guarantee that if I did, I could get all my drinks free for at least a month.

Sometime after midnight I had the job of making sure everyone got to bed safely, then turned in myself. I was out fairly quickly, but unfortunately that only lasted until around 3 a.m. Then I got to lie there for the next 3 hours just staring at the sky. The stars were beautiful, but I would have preferred to sleep. I decided then that it would sure be easier to take my mind off things if I just had a pretty girl to make out with. I saw a few shooting stars, and kept wishing for Scarlett Johansson to appear so I could do just that, but she didn't (she was on t.v. when I got home though, I wonder if it's a sign). I eventually drifted off again, but only made it until the sun came up. I had a headache (and still do), but I'm sure it's not as bad as what at least two of my friends had.

We packed up camp and headed back to town, but this time the freeway was completely shut down. Traffic was stopped for as far as we could see, so we had to turn around and go the super long way home. This time it took us over three hours. I don't know what was going on, but I'm hoping that God decided to smite the Nascar fans that were at the speedway, and ended up damaging the freeway in the process. Oh wait, no, He wouldn't do that, not to some of his biggest fans.

Don't worry, I'm almost done moping around.

A fifth of vodka and a bottle of pills and some cheap thrills to keep me wonderin' how I'm still afloat

Ok, so the image thing is finally working again. Here's my idea, so Johnson & Johnson, if you're reading this let me know what you think. I think it could be a big seller.


Oh, and here's a text message my daughter just sent me:

Tag! You're mine! Today is national CLAIM A RETARD DAY and you're my retard!

Thanks kiddo. I needed that.

Give in to the failure that's inside you

For those of you who haven't been checking in, or don't read the comments, I didn't pass my comps. Of course, they're too nice to come out and say that I "failed." Instead, they're putting their decision "in suspension" until I revise everything and we meet again in a few months, but that's just a nice way of saying "you're a dumbfuck." So much for my earlier statement that "one way or another it's going to be over with tomorrow." Obviously I'm upset about it. Not upset enough to go suck on a shotgun lollipop (I learned a long time ago that I wouldn't have the balls to end it all even if I wanted to), but upset enough that I'm posting this at an ungodly hour because I've got nothing else to do but sleep, and that's just not going to happen. Not right now anyway.

One thing that really bothers me about it is that I did know the answers to some of the questions they were asking, it's just that I couldn't think of them when they were asking them. It's a problem with me. I'm never very good at reacting to things when I'm put on the spot because my brain just kind of shuts down any time I demand information from it. (I go through the same thing when playing at trivia night. Sure, I can sing you all the lyrics to a Skid Row song that I haven't heard since I was 14 (and frankly, am quite embarrassed that I ever listened to such crappy music), but if you ask me the title of the album, and need to know it RIGHT THEN, I'm not the guy to come through.) In fact, it occurred to me that I was more nervous standing in front of my committee trying to answer questions than I was the time I was trespassing in northern Nevada and a guy came out with a loaded shotgun in one hand and a beer in the other.

The other thing that kills me is my pride. I didn't go to work yesterday, and probably won't on Monday. Everyone knows that I took my comps, so that means that everyone's going to be asking me how it went, and I'm going to have to explain to them that I'm the only fucking grad student in the recent history of our department to not pass his comprehensive exams. And that says a LOT because there are some really stupid people around here (note - if you're reading this, you're probably not included in that statement). I just didn't think I was one of them until now.

On another note, one of my friends was coming down with a cold the other day, so on our way back to the office from lunch he asked if I'd mind stopping at CVS so he could buy some cold medicine. Since all it required was that I turn into a parking lot right then I did, because I'm cool like that.

When we walked in the door he said "I'll take one of all the ingredients necessary to make meth."

Me: "Well, I guarantee at least one person in this store would be able to tell you what those are."

Just then a woman with greasy hair, sunken cheeks, and sores all over her face walked by.

Me: "In fact, just look in that lady's basket and buy one of everything that she's getting. That ought to do it."

Why am I bringing this up? Because, in the event that this whole Ph D thing doesn't work out (a prospect that's looking more and more likely as time goes on) I've devised a back up plan that should make me filthy rich. I'm going to start marketing the tweaker-on-the-go meth pack, just grab one box off the shelf for all your meth cooking needs.

(It's my way of heeding the words of King Missile "Failure doesn't want to fuck you. Failure wants you to fuck it.")

(Unfortunately, the site is acting up again, so you'll have to wait until it's working properly to see a picture of my new idea)

My life it seems has taken a turn
Why in the name of God would I ever want to return?
Peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
Fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
I want to kill away the rest of what's left and I do, yes I do

-NIN

All we ask of you is to break both his legs

Tomorrow is the moment of truth. I have to go in for 'the beatdown,' otherwise known as my comprehensive examination. It ought to be a great time. My nerves have been getting worse and worse all day long, and I'm sure that's not going to improve over the next 15 hours. The good thing is that one way or another it's going to be over with tomorrow.

All I ask is that when you see me on the street in the ghetto that you leave some money in my cup. Who knows, by that time maybe I could even tell you where to score some rocks.

Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks

A couple of nights ago I was having dinner with some friends, and one of them kept accidentally bumping my leg with her foot under the table. I told her if she was trying to get fresh all she had to do was ask.

Later I tried to pretend like I was trying to play footsies with her, except I couldn't reach her leg. Finally I looked under the table, and found out why. She had both of them propped up on a chair.

Me: "No wonder I can't find her feet, she's got her legs up, as usual."

Apparently girls don't like it when you say things that imply that they are sluts.

Fly like an eagle

The next time I decide to blow off studying so that I can watch my favorite NFL team play, the least they could do is WIN THE GAME!!!

Especially when they are already up 24-7 and have sacked the opposing team's QB eight times.

You guys ever hear of closing out?

'Cause a little bird never tells me anything I want to know, she's my best friend, she's a sparrow

One of the great things about being a biologist is that if anyone ever gets mad at you because they overhear a conversation in which you're talking about great tits, you can always say this:

"I was talking about the bird, silly. Get your mind out of the gutter."

(The same thing goes for when you're doing a google image search)

Box full of letters - 3

To the woman who was sitting at the table next to us and kept farting, loudly, while we were trying to eat lunch:

Please try to keep your bodily functions under control while you're sitting in a crowded eating establishment. It was very difficult to finish my meal when it sounded like there was a Harley Davidson idling at the next table over.

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

p. s. Unless of course you subscribe to the following philosophy. If you do, then by all means proceed with your five second rumbles.

Boy that Mama can cook

I'm one of the best procrastinators in the world. I've got the biggest day of my graduate student career (so far) coming up a week from tomorrow. I should be spending every waking moment reading journal articles and such.

Instead, I decided to bake a zucchini cake.

The recipe called for one half cup of sour milk. Since the milk in my refrigerator is fresh, I had to call my mom to see what to do. The last time I made this cake I had to do the same thing. I remembered her trick of adding vinegar to the milk, but couldn't remember how much vinegar to put in. Luckily she was home so I could finish the cake.

We talked for a while as I was mixing stuff together, and then I got to the point where I had to grate the zucchini, but I couldn't find my grater.

Me: "I hate it when the . . ."
Mom: "What's that?"
Me: "Oh, I was going to say something, but you probably don't want to hear it."
Mom: "What?"
Me: "I was going to say that I hate it when the maid service comes because they always put stuff away in the wrong place and I can never find it."

I don't think my Mom felt too sorry for me.

Pretty Vegas

You know you're from Vegas when:

• You get excited when it's 95 degrees outside because it's finally starting to cool off.
• You think nothing of walking through a smoke filled casino on your way to watch a movie.
• You think it's normal to walk into a gas station and see a row of slot machines, complete with people playing them, even when it's 7 a.m.
• You find it strange when a business is closed at 10 p.m.
• You don't know how to drive when it rains, let alone the one time a year it snows.
• You ask someone politely to stop flicking their cigarette ashes on your leg, and they look at you like you're the one who is being rude.
• You see so many advertisements with scantily clad women on them that when you see one with a fully clothed woman it seems out of place (and it kind of pisses you off).
• The ice cream truck each night plays don't believe the hype.
• You can look out your office window and see 12 cops chasing someone with guns drawn (the guy is lucky he didn't get shot in the back).

Morning comes twice a day or not at all

Over the past few days I've been reading a lot about extinctions, specifically those that occurred in North America at the end of the last ice age. Any time I think about this the woolly mammoth comes to mind. I remember several years ago when researchers discovered a mammoth that had been frozen in ice in Siberia. At the time there was talk about trying to clone a mammoth by transplanting a nucleus from a mammoth cell into an elephant's egg. I'm assuming this never went anywhere, at least not with any success, being as we haven't heard anything about it since then.

I had a friend who talked about how cool it would be if they were able to successfully clone a mammoth ,and about how funny it would be if they just started reproducing like crazy and their numbers got out of control.

In his words:

"It'd be cool at first, but wouldn't it be funny if they eventually just became a nuisance. They'd be getting into your garbage cans during the night and knocking them over. Every time they did it would wake you up and you'd think 'there's those damn mammoths again, why'd they have to bring those stupid things back' before you rolled back over and went back to sleep."

Maybe we should all be glad that the cloning attempts haven't been successful.

You bring the razor blade, I'll bring the speed

Last weekend when we were celebrating my friend's birthday we went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants (and by our, I mean my entire group of friends, not just he and I). When we had finished eating, we began talking about where the next stop was going to be. One of our friends announced that she and her boyfriend wouldn't be staying with us for the next stop:

Her: "We'd love to stay, but we have to get up early to catch a flight, and we haven't even packed yet."
Me: "So you're leaving?"
Her: "Yeah, we're tired and we've got to get some sleep."
Me: "It's like a five hour flight, just snort a line of coke off a stripper's ass and sleep on the plane."

They left anyway, but with it being Vegas and all I doubt we would have had trouble finding them a stripper, although the coke may have been a little more difficult to come by.

She's got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin, and if I bring a little music I could fit right in

Yesterday I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant. It must have been a good Mexican restaurant because they were only playing the most authentic spanish music.

Me: "La Cucharacha? Isn't that like Mexico's national anthem or something?"
My Friend: "You know, I don't really think it is."
Me: "Well, it should be."
My Friend: "I'll tell Felipe Calderon you said that."
Me: "You do that. I bet he'll change it for me."

He probably wouldn't though, even if my friend did call him to tell him that.

I realized when I was done with my meal that I'm probably the only person in the world who orders chicken soup and then eats everything but the chicken.

When we left we didn't tip the waiter as much as normal because he didn't give us any white chocolate tamales. That jerk!

This fire is out of control, we're gonna burn this city

Yesterday students started a fire in my lab not once, but twice. Even after repeated warnings about how ethanol is very volatile and should not be placed next to the Bunsen burners. I'm glad they listen to the things I'm saying when I teach, especially the stuff that pertains to their personal safety.

On a related note, soaking your jeans in ethanol and standing next to a Bunsen burner is not the proper way to start a fire in your pants!

. . . you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too

There is a recurring joke among my circle of friends where every time someone has reason to celebrate (birthdays, anniversaries, Fridays, etc.) they'll get asked about which strip club we'll be going to in order to do so. And it's usually me that does the asking. It never gets old. Never!

A friend of mine had a birthday last week, and sent out an email to those whom he wanted to join in on the celebration. He wanted people to dress for the occasion so he ended it with, "make sure you wear your drinking shoes."

I talked to him about it the day before:

Me (being facetious): "What exactly do you mean by 'wear your drinking shoes?' Does that mean shoes we don't care if they get drinks spilled on them, or are you trying to get us to dress up a little bit?"
Him: "I'm trying to get you to dress up a little bit ("Duh, you retard!" was only implied). After all, I only get to turn 30 once."
Me: "You mean I'm going to have to wear pants tomorrow, even though it's 105 degrees outside? That's practically going to kill me."
Him: "Hey, you don't have to go to a strip club, if we go to a strip club, when we go to the strip club if you don't want to go to the strip club."

That sure cleared things up.

Every breath you take, every move you make

The other day someone mentioned something to me about stalkers. Specifically, they mentioned something about how they were going to start stalking me. I'm pretty sure they were joking, after all, a real stalker wouldn't come out and tell you they were going to do it, right?

Now I don't know about you, but every time I think about stalkers, I think about someone hiding in the bushes with a piano string. Which brings up the following questions: Where does one buy the piano string without looking suspicious? I'm sure that there are people out there who build or repair pianos for a living, but it doesn't seem like that would be a very large proportion of the population. I'm sure that these people would have no problem getting a piano string, but what about your average Joe who wants to start stalking someone? Is there a store he could go to, or would he have to convince one of these 'piano men' to sell him one under the table? If it's the former, are there obligations for the store clerk to notify the police if a suspicious looking person purchases a single piano string (as opposed to an entire set)? If it's the latter, how do you find a crooked piano builder who is willing to sell you some of his precious string? Also, is there an optimal size of string that should be used? If you go too thin will it break? Too thick and it won't actually slit a throat? Or is the main goal asphyxiation instead?

This is why I wouldn't make a good stalker. A good stalker would know the answers to these questions.

Their names are called, they raise a paw - Part 3

In honor of school starting up this week I'm giving you some more useless information to remember:

Raising an empty scotch glass toward the sun in order to concentrate the rays on your crotch is not the proper way to start a fire in your pants.