You're back in your old neighborhood cigarettes taste so good

I'm back, did you miss me? Shut up, you did so.

My trip was nice. I was able to con my brother into joining me, so that made it even better than if I'd gone alone. That said, what was quite possibly the highlight of the trip happened before I even got to his house when I came across a burning semi on the freeway. The trailer was full of sheep, and emergency personnel were doing their best to evacuate the trailer, but there was still at least one that had caught fire. I can assure you that you simply haven't lived until you've seen a charred sheep standing on the freeway, staring at the flames that had so recently ignited its wool. In fact, I was so busy looking at the charred sheep that I nearly ran over the off duty police officer that was directing traffic. It's probably a good thing I eventually saw him.

I spent the first night at my brother's house, and we left early the next morning to drive the rest of the way. When we finally arrived I realized that even though neither I nor my family has lived in the area for ten years, I always feel as if I've returned home when I see this view:



We fished the Green River for the rest of that afternoon and the following day. The fishing was slow but I was able to catch a few. I was hoping to have one of those 50 fish days that people often have on that river, but it was still fun to get out there. At least for me. My brother would probably tell you something different. It was one of the few times that I've actually caught more fish than him. In this case, it was quite a few more.

Here's a picture of him getting skunked:



And another:



The original plan was to fish the Green River for two days and then go back to Salt Lake City so I could spend two days with my kids. However, my ex-wife called to tell me that the kids were grounded because of their grades and that she was making them do homework all day Saturday. Plus, Shooting Star and her sisters were visiting the area, and they convinced us to stay an extra day and float the river with them.

Not all the pictures I took turned out good, but you can see why this is one of my favorite places in the world.





I did spend Saturday night and all day Sunday with my kids, so I'm not as horrible a father as I could be. I also spent some time hanging out with Flieswithoutwings and some other old friends. I didn't want to come back.

I feel it coming and I've got to get out of its way

In an attempt to avoid going absolutely insane, I am leaving for Flaming Gorge in a few minutes. My hope is that the trip ends up being cheaper than therapy.

I'll tell you the same thing I told my roommate:

Me: "The rent check's on the counter. I'm outta here."
Him: "When are you coming back?"
Me: "Maybe Sunday, maybe Monday, maybe never. We'll see."

It all depends on whether or not I encounter Ted Bundy.

Livin' it up at the Hotel California

A few days ago I was in my friend's office while he was discussing some things with his lab mates. One of them mispronounced the word 'nuclear,' pronouncing it the way our well spoken president does (nuc-u-lar) instead of the correct way (nu-clee-ar). When my friend corrected her, the other guy that was there said that it wasn't necessarily pronounced wrong, but that it was just a form of dialect.

He argued that it was just the way the word was pronounced in certain parts of the country. I said that was just because those people were also pronouncing it wrong. Similar to the word creek. Just because many people say 'crick' doesn't mean that should be accepted as a proper pronunciation. At least not for someone who's working toward a Ph D. After I pointed that out to him, he still said that it was just part of an accent. Just like people from the east coast pronounce their "O's" differently than people in the west, or how people from New England never pronounce their "R's" at the end of words.

Since he was taking her side, she took the idea of the accent and ran with it. I can't remember how the switch was made, but she somehow got on the fact that newscasters don't have accents because they have to work hard to lose them if they want to go far in their career, and therefore, all newscasters sound like they're from California (she's from CA too).

Her: People from California don't have accents.
My Friend: I disagree. I can almost always tell when someone who's talking is from California.
Her: That's because they don't have an accent.
Me: No, it's because they never shut up about California.

Would you like some sweeties little girl? Come a little closer.

Me: You know why I wouldn't make a good pedophile?

Friend: Why's that?

Me: Because I'd end up eating all the candy and wouldn't have anything left over to bribe the kids with.

Friend: You know what else would make you bad?

Me: What?

Friend: You'd get them into the van and then sit and wait for them to make the first move.

Exploding egos in the night

Yesterday I went back to hang out with the nasty little parasites in Arizona. Oh, and two lovely ladies too.

We got a later start than we initially planned, in part because one of the ladies had never been to Hoover Dam and wanted to stop there, but also because the other had lost some stuff that morning and had to go back to retrieve it before it disappeared for good. We were successful on both of our respective missions.

This time, when we got to the Colorado River I did swim, and let me just say it was FREAKING COLD. I knew that the second I waded in, but since I'd already decided I was going to do it (and to prove that I'm a MAN), I dove in and swam for a short while. My feet were numb when I came back out. It was refreshing though.

After my swim, there was another short delay in getting to the hot springs because I couldn't remember the last part of the trail. After running around on the rocks for a while looking for it I finally decided that the best thing to do would be to follow the arrows that were painted on the rocks. Shortly after that, we made it to the hot springs, and this time there were no fat naked European men sitting in the pool (which I may have omitted from the story last time), so that was a plus. We hung out for a short while and then decided it was time to head back to the car.

Unfortunately, it was actually past time to head back to the car, because it got dark on the most technical part of the trail. I had forgotten about all the scrambling we'd done the last time I went. Normally it wouldn't have been a problem for me, but normally I'm not trying to scramble with a 75 pound Rottweiler either. The dog was amazing, but there were a few parts where we weren't sure how we were going to be able to get her across certain parts of the trail. At one point, I was trying to scale a waterfall with her, and lost my balance. I couldn't grab onto anything without dropping the dog, so both of us fell about six feet. I landed right on top of the dog, but stuck my arm out so as not to crush her with all my weight. It worked because I didn't break any of her ribs or anything, but I didn't think about how easily I could have broken my arm doing that until afterward. Luckily the only thing that came of it was a few scrapes.

By the time we scrambled over our last rock wall it was completely dark. We had two headlamps, and plenty of water, so we weren't too worried about survival (at least I wasn't - I can't really speak for the ladies), but we did lose the trail a few times. The good thing about hiking in the desert is that you can almost always see where you need to be. We could have made it back to the car even if we hadn't found the trail again, but that wasn't completely necessary. Just necessary enough to angle our way to where our path intersected the trail.

It was quite the adventure, and what better to go with the end of an adventure than a nice meal at a Mexican restaurant? Even with that, I'm pretty sure that at least one of the ladies is never going to leave her house with me again.

To take the house he built for her apart

Here's a heart warming story about divorce and the way it ought to proceed.

Open up my eager eyes

Let me tell you some of what's been going on behind the scenes here in The Shallows. A few weeks ago I happened to notice a comment that someone had recently left on a post in the archives. It was from a former student who revealed that she had a crush on me when I was her TA a few years ago (and still does).

You might think that's great. However, she chose to remain anonymous, and despite my best detective work using the clues I have, I've been unable to crack the case. (I may need to get some pointers on detective work from The Slackmistress and Mr. Boy).

The other night my roommate walked in while I was trying (unsuccessfully) to follow the clues. When I explained to him what I was doing he just laughed and wished me luck.

His son overheard us talking and chimed in:

Roommate's Son: Wait, a girl likes you?
Roomate: That's what he just said.
Roomate's Son: Wow, she must be desperate*.
Roommate: Even better!

A few minutes later:

Roommate: By the way, did [son] tell you he got hit on today?
Me (to the son): You did?
Roommate's Son: BY A GUY!!!
Me: AH HAHAHAHAHAHA
Roommate's Son: Well, actually, I'm not sure if he was really hitting on me. Does it count when someone tells you that you're cute?
Me: Oh, that definitely counts.

The question is, if you knew that someone had a crush on you, would you want to find out who that person is? I'm always torn. There's the part that really wants to know, but there's also a part that's afraid of the awkwardness that could result if the feeling isn't mutual. The second part is what prevents me from divulging when I have crushes on girls (which is almost always).**






*I probably would have said the same thing to him.

**More on this later

You think the score's set but you can't truly see

The other day a group of us were playing basketball. When we finished one of my friends announced that he will be holding a 2 on 2 basketball tournament at his house in a few weeks. I knew about it already as I was with him when he bought the curbside basketball hoop, but some of our other friends hadn't been informed yet.

(In the earliest stages of planning, his roommate had offered to run the grill wearing a bikini. She followed that up by saying she didn't own one, but being the selfless guy that I am, I offered to buy her one if she needed me to.)

Friend 1: So are you guys interested in playing in the tournament?
Me: The only reason I'm coming over is to see [her]in a bikini.
Friend 2: Who's [she]?
Me: She's the little cutie that lives with [Friend 1].
Friend 2: She's a cutie huh?
Friend 1: That's what they say.
Me: Oh, don't act like you've never noticed.

. . .

Friend 2(to me): So what's the matter, is she too old and mature for you?
Me: I think she's 23.
Friend 2: So yeah, she's way too old and mature for you.

. . .

Friend 2 (to Friend 1): So do you two just sit around speaking German to each other?
Me: They do!
Friend 1: Actually, we talk about the people that are sitting right next to us without them even knowing it's them we're talking about.
Friend 2: Really?
Me: Yeah, it's usually stuff like "I wish [Minnow] would put his penis back in his pants."

I listened very carefully when told just what to buy

The other day I was watching TV and I saw a commercial for Boost Looped. Apparently you can get a GPS system with your cellular service that allows you to see where all your friends are at, as long as they have the same service.

It sounds fun and all, but aren't there times when you don't want people to know where you're at? I wonder how long it will be until the first double homicide occurs because someone finds out their buddy is nailing their girl?

Welcome to the monkey house

I just got back from lunch. It took me twice as long to order because the woman at the counter wouldn't listen to me until she'd finished reading my t-shirt.

It illustrates how very mature I am:

It's evolution baby

I have just finished reading The Reluctant Mr. Darwin by David Quammen (and if you can't tell by reading that sentence, this is going to be a boring post so feel free to stop now). It's a short (but interesting) read, and sheds some light into the period of Darwin's life between his return on the HMS Beagle until his death. It focused mostly on the reasons why it took Darwin so long to publish his theory, something I have often wondered about.

Most people are aware that he didn't publish On the Origin of Species until 1859, yet his idea had begun to solidify in his mind a good 30 years prior. Quammen lists several possible reasons for the delay including fear of the outrage it would cause, the political climate, fear of loss of status and/or wealth, bad health, his desire to gather more data, family life, etc. The one that added a human element to the story (at least for me) was the fear of how it would affect his wife.

Emma was a devout Christian, and he had told her his views on species early in their marriage. Shortly after that she wrote him a letter expressing concern for his ideas. "Don't think that it is not my affair and that it does not signify me," she wrote*. "Everything that concerns you concerns me and I should be most unhappy if I thought we did not belong to each other forever." She added that it had caused "a painful void between us."

Darwin saved that letter, and occasionally would re-read it. At some point he wrote a note back to Emma on the bottom of the letter: "When I am dead, know that many times, I have kissed and cried over this. C. D."



*Most if this post, including the quotes, has been taken straight from Quammen's book.

Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies

One of my friends bought her boyfriend a Nintendo Wii for Valentine's Day. I've gone over to their house a couple of times in the past week to play it. It's a lot of fun, and I have to say that I applaud Nintendo's effort to whip all the little fat American kids into shape. The system is really cool, and I even felt a little sore the day after I played it for the first time. Kind of pathetic, but you try boxing with your friends in Wii life (iwl; as opposed to in real life, or irl) and see if the same doesn't happen to you.

One of the things you do before you start playing the Wii is create a character (a mii). It's cool because you can make your character resemble your looks very closely. I'm pretty sure that anyone who knows me could see my character on the TV screen and recognize that it's me. Anyway, since my friend knew that I was coming over, she started to create my character for me, but once I arrived let me finish it. I made a few changes, but for the most part she was spot on. One change that I made was the eye color. When she saw me do that she said, "Oh, you have green eyes, not blue. I'm such a bad friend."

Now, in her defense, most people don't get a good look at my eyes because usually what they're seeing looks like this:



Furthermore, I don't define friendship as being able to remember the color of one's eyes. It's one of those details that I rarely pay attention to. I probably couldn't even tell you what color half my friends' eyes are. Maybe I'm the bad friend.

The last time anyone mentioned anything about my eyes was the last time I had lunch with the girl I had a huge crush on (I say "had" even though if I saw her today it would probably come back to the present tense). She told me that I had pretty eyes, but that is far from true. For one thing, I have a pinguicula on each eye. Not the carnivorous plants of the same name mind you, but a yellowish bump that forms on the white of the eye. Those are unnoticable by most people, but they're there nonetheless. The most glaring part about my eyes (lame pun intended) is that they are the color of cow manure, hence making it impossible for my eyes to be considered "pretty."

1000 years old, sure you think that's old, 1000 years old, but what do you know?

The other day I was driving somewhere with a girl. It was the first time she'd seen me since my last haircut.

Her: Did you get highlights?
Me: No.
Her: What's that color I see then? [she points to my temple]
Me: That would be my gray hair.
Her: Wow, you're getting old.
Me: Thanks. I wasn't aware of that.

That's one prerequisite to becoming a dirty old man though, so at least I have that to look forward to.

We'll build a bonfire with whatever's dry

Last night a group of us went to a dry lake bed south of town and had a big bonfire. I got there much later than everyone else, so I missed the good old fashioned book burning, but still had a great time. I pretty much have fun any time I'm able to sit and watch stuff burn.

At one point during the night, one of the girls that was there was starting to tire out, so she wrapped herself in a blanket, sat by the fire and began to doze off. Shortly after that someone else came along and threw a wood pallet on the fire to get the flames good and high again. Some of the flames were getting a little too close to her blanket, so I pointed that out to her boyfriend.

Me: I think your girlfriend's a little too close to the fire.
Him: Yeah?
Me: Yeah. You might want to have a talk with her. I think her exact words were "I'd rather light myself on fire than spend another night with [him]."
Him: Is that so?
Me: Yeah, and you know what else?
Him: What?
Me: She's not the only one.

Of recklessness and water

Lately I've been itching to visit Flaming Gorge. I spent 3 years of my life there, and despite the fact that I hated my parents for making me move there, it is one of my favorite places in the world (you might consider it to be my Brokeback Mountain, although in a less gay cowboy kind of way).

My friend Flieswithoutwings put it well when he described living there as "being part of a magical place and time." I've thought about what it would be like to move back there some day, perhaps after I retire, but it wouldn't be the same unless all my favorite people moved back there too.

I'd like to pay a visit to the area during Spring Break, but don't know if I can afford it. I have a million stories about the area, and Flieswithoutwings has done a good job of telling some of them in his 'Chronicles of Cow Country High' series, but here's one that I thought of the other day and thought I'd share. Besides, I doubt this one is worthy of inclusion in The Chronicles.

Flaming Gorge Reservoir is a fairly large body of water, and approaches a depth of approximately 500 feet in some places. Late one summer night we went swimming off the docks at the visitor's center on the dam (even though it wasn't legal). I decided to swim over and touch the dam. I have to say that it was unsettling by the time I got there because of the amount of water that was beneath me. I had the feeling that if I were to sink to the bottom, my body would never be found. I followed through and touched the dam, but it wasn't a task I was eager to perform again.

As with any body of water that big, there were always rumors about bodies being found by fishermen who were trolling and would think they'd hooked a large fish only to end up netting a human body (in full or in part). Usually the stories stated that the body had multiple fishing lures stuck to its skin (a sure sign of an urban legend, even though the area was far from urban).

While I doubt the authenticity of some of the stories I heard while I lived in the area, there are certainly plenty of bodies in that lake. My mom had a cousin who drowned there when his boat capsized during a storm and whose body was never found. With water so deep, you could imagine that it would be a good place to dispose of a body. In fact, it is believed that Ted Bundy dumped a few of his victims' bodies there.

One day we were talking about how it was kind of creepy that we'd swim in waters where bodies were decomposing. Not that it deterred us, but it is kind of gross when you think about it. During the conversation one of my friends proclaimed, "You know, my missing aunt used to date Ted Bundy."

The first mammal to wear pants

I'm tired today, and even though I don't feel like it, I have to teach starting in about an hour. Hopefully my attitude won't be reflected as I'm teaching:

Good morning how are you I'm Dr. Worm.

One of the benefits of being a grad student is that you are allowed to check books out from the library for a semester at a time. Then, at the end of the semester when it's due, you can just check it out for another few months if you need to. One drawback to that is that it's a lot of time in which something can be misplaced.

I've had one book for the better part of a year. I use it regularly, and should probably just buy my own copy, but as they say, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? (oh, that's not what that saying pertains to? hmmm, I'm confused.) Anyway, while I was working on the written portion of my comps (not to be confused with Mein Kampf), I'd come across a few other books that had been cited and appeared to be useful sources for me to use, so, I checked those out as well. Then, sometime in early January I took everything back to the library.

Or so I thought.

I got a letter from the library saying that the cow, I mean the book, was overdue. Knowing that I had returned it a few weeks prior to the letter, I went to the circulation desk and filled out some paperwork to have them extensively search the library so that they could find it.

Nothing came up.

I got another letter telling me that they had searched for it but couldn't find anything. They told me I should once again search my house, car, etc. just in case I had misplaced it. They also said that if it didn't turn up then I was going to have to pay a replacement fee. That made me upset. I went back to the library and told them that it hardly seemed fair that I was going to have to pay to replace a book that they had lost. They weren't very sympathetic. After all, they probably hear excuses for this kind of thing all the time, but this time it was me. I'm never wrong. I stopped short of telling them they were incompetent, but it was definitely implied.

Another week went by and I found the book. It was tucked into my laptop case from when I flew to Massachussetts for my friends' wedding. Rather than swallow my pride and admit that I was wrong, I was going to just pay the fine and keep the book. Unfortunately, I'm broke right now and can't afford to do that. Plus, they add a $35 processing fee to the overall cost of the book. I figure if I buy it myself I should pay the cost of the book and no more. So, I took it back this morning.

When I turned it in I did what anyone in my situation would have done. I lied and told them that my mother had borrowed it without asking.

So what if it is genetic?

Female Friend: I'm going to be cutting back on the amount of sugar I eat.

Me (sarcastically): Why, because you're so fat?

Female Friend: Because it's just not healthy.

Me: I should cut back, but I'm not that worried about it, at least not until I end up with Adult Onset (Type II) Diabetes. I guess that's likely considering the amount of sugar I eat.

Male Friend: I don't know. I think they're saying that's all bullshit. It's not just about how much sugar you eat, it's more about having a bad diet in general. It messes with your blood chemistry.

Me: I heard once that it's about a certain ratio. You know, once you pass a certain girth for your height you become susceptible.

Female Friend: Really?

Me: I think so. I knew a guy who got scared because he knew someone else who got it, and that's what that guy's doctor said, so the guy I knew went on a diet and lost a bunch of weight.

Male Friend: It's all about the spare tire. I'm getting a good start on mine.

Me: Yeah, me too.

Female Friend: Not me. All I've got is the fuckin' female pooch. God damn uterus or some shit.

Spoken like a true lady.

He has a mistress she's Puerto Rican and I heard she has a wooden leg

In addition to the comments on the previous two posts, I've received emails and text messages from some of you. Two people converged on the theme from the Brady Bunch, as I received that in a text message and in one of the comments here.

I thought I'd post the others for the rest of you to see as well.

Text Messages

• She's a hotty . . . when's the wedding date?
• Lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek
• I never will forget the way you looked tonight

Email

"Oh my gosh. I HAVE LOVE HANDLES. I WOULD NEVER, EVER WEAR A BIKINI WITH A JACKET WITH MY LOVE HANDLES FALLING OUT...
I thought that you were just being mean.
You need to move, far, far away...
She has your address."

I would just like to say thank you for your all your love and support during this difficult time in my life. I think I may have PTSD.

I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine

I was going to scan the letter I got and post it today so that you all could read it. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that well so I'll just transcribe it for you instead. I'm particularly fond of the punctuation (or lack thereof).

[Native Minnow],

Hi

Im sure your wondering who I am and why Im writing you.

Im a friend of [oldest brother] and [his wife] I've heard about you from them and seen a couple pictures of you. I asked [oldest brother] and [his wife] if I could write to you and say hi. They didnt see any harm in it and so here's my letter to you.

My name is [Tabatha], I'm 30 yrs old I work full time at a Residential Treatment center for teenagers, a job I find very rewarding. I like to read, garden, fish, hike, camp and would really like to go hunting someday. I enjoy fishing, I can bait my own hook set up the line, clean the fish and filet the fish - but I never learned how to COOK the fish - LOL. One night my mom and I went fishing and caught a 10 lbs cat fish, talk about hard to kill, we finally gave up because we felt bad for it. Threw him in the ice chest and took him back to the river. Silly huh? I'm an animal lover so I don't want to see any animal suffer.

Oh [oldest brother] told me you passed your oral exam - congrats - thats fantastic. I hope you celebrated all night afterwards.

So if you dont mind telling me what other hobbies do you have

[Oldest Brother] said you're very busy with school and work, so I understand if you are too busy to respond.

I've enclosed three pictures of me taken 2 months ago I hope you like what you see and I hope we get a chance to get to know each other better.

Have a good day, [Native Minnow].

Sincerely,

[Tabatha]

[address and phone number]

Against my better judgement, I've also scanned the pictures she sent. I've done this for two reasons: 1) Peer pressure. I've had several of you email me and ask to see, so here you go. Just remember, you asked for it. 2) I need to prove that I wasn't just being mean when I said that it made me "recoil in horror and fight the urge to vomit." It was an honest statement. Oh, and I'm not responsible for cleaning up the mess if any of you actually do vomit.

*****************************EDIT*****************************

I received a rare visit from my conscience and have decided to take the pictures down. It was mean and I'd hate for her to find out about it somehow. I hope you all got a chance to see how bad it was though.

What it takes to wanna be a man

I got a letter from my sister-in-law the other day. She said that she and one of her neighbors were looking through some pictures and there were a few of me. Her neighbor asked if it would be alright if she wrote me a letter. She and my brother decided that "it wouldn't hurt" and that I "might like a pen pal." In other words, they're trying to set me up with this girl.

There was a letter from the girl enclosed. She is a year younger than me and has three kids. She likes to "read, garden, fish, hike, camp, and would really like to go hunting someday." She then told me about how much she likes to fish, can bait her own hook, clean and filet the fish, but never learned how to cook them. That's great and all, but personally I think those are talents that she should share with someone who fishes with bait.

(You see, I tend to be a bit of an elitist, and by that I mean I'm an arrogant prick, and by that I mean I'm better than everyone else. I enjoy flyfishing , but that's about it. Fishing with anything else is boring, and fishing with live bait seems a bit like cheating. So in summary, flyfishing = high class, bait fishing = white trash, I = awesome. Anyway, on with the story.)

At the end of the girl's letter she told me that she had enclosed some pictures of herself and that she hoped I liked what I saw. Sure enough, there were three pictures in the envelope, but I didn't exactly like what I saw.

I think I'm going to have to explain my rules for dating to my brother. Also, I have to add one more rule to the list - In order to consider dating someone, I must be able to look at a picture of them without recoiling in horror while fighting the urge to vomit.

Come on chemicals

For any of you who are just dying to see what I experienced at the Of Montreal concert last week go here.

That is all.

(Lauren, you're welcome)

Three legged animals

Yesterday afternoon I had to help grade an exam. Like a fool, I volunteered to grade the long essay question. It took a while to do, and it got seriously depressing after a while. Let's just say that I'm really hoping people have always been this stupid and I just didn't realize it before. That sure beats the alternative (i.e. people are getting dumber) and its implications for the future.

Some of the answers were so bad that no matter how hard I looked to see if I could even give them a mercy point I just couldn't. Some of the answers made me laugh outright (such as the student who made up the word autohomocentriphism because they couldn't remember anthropomorphism). I'm sharing the funniest answers with you, but first you need to know what the question asked. Students were asked to list and describe three (out of six) influences that Charles Darwin had on contemporary thought.

• Darwin showed that humans are not centric
• This revolution of evolution . . .
• 55% of Americans are still skeptical about accepting evolution as a valid possibility solely due to their religiosity
• We evolutionized from animals
• This idea has haunted Christians to this day because it is simple and even they can understand it (emphasis added)
• Atheists believe that evolution was caused by God
• Darwin didn't understand evolution, so he did his own mating with pigeons

The last one had one of the professors laughing so hard that he had to wipe the tears from his eyes. Darwin was a pigeon fucker? Who knew?

I got a phone call from the Lord saying "Hey boy, what's up?"

But will He throw tiny rocks at my windshield as I'm following him down the freeway?

If I was twice the man I could be I'd still be half of what you need

Lately I've been getting a lot of emails that begin as follows:

"Great Chap, Don't tell me why your thing is so small"
"Don't tell me why your ramrod is so small"
"Hey comrade with a small woody"
"I don't care why your Johnson's small, but 71% of women do"
"Manzilla! Size does matter! You seen this on TV!"
"Take your award Mr. Small Woody 2006"

Let me worry about finding a girl first, then I'll start to worry about whether my member is a good enough size.

He makes love to the Duke, and swordfights the Queen

The last time I was in Salt Lake City, I had a conversation with my friend Flieswithoutwings about how romanticized a lot of children's stories are. Obviously a lot of them are rags-to-riches stories that follow a simple format: Girl lives in poverty. Girl meets prince, often without realizing he's a prince. Girl falls in love with the prince. Girl marries prince and leaves her life of poverty behind once and for all.

I think we all know how well that would play out in the real world.

It's funny how you never hear about a middle class girl who meets and marries a middle class boy and lives happily ever after. Nobody wants to hear about that. I think this is just more proof that money really does buy happiness.

Similarly, you never hear about the girl who remains single and lives happily ever after. See ladies, you need a man if you ever expect to be truly happy.

My favorite stories are the ones with the evil step-parents. We all know there are often problems with people getting along with their step-children, but to actually want the children dead? Seriously, how hot must Hansel and Gretel's step-mom have been in order to get their father to leave them in the woods to die?

It makes me realize that I'm going about it all wrong. The way to become immortalized in stories is not to accept my youngest as my own, it's about trying to feed him to the wolves every chance I get.

Bangs to drape across your forehead

My daughter: Dad, you might not be the right person to ask this, but do you know how people get their hair to be wavy? You know, like the kind of big waves?

Me: Genetics.

She's right. I'm not the right person to ask that.

Who says don't look back? Don't believe 'em.

Sometimes I like to do things to people just to see what their reactions will be. I used to do it a lot more often than I do now. I'm not sure if that's because I'm finally starting to grow up a little, or if it's because I'm surrounded by people who I suspect would retaliate in nasty ways. I suspect it's the latter.

A few years ago when I was working on my master's degree my friends in the lab and I would do things to annoy each other just for shits and giggles. However, one time I crossed a line and it still comes back to haunt me to this day.

You see, there was a guy in our lab who tended to annoy everyone. It wasn't anything specific, just his overall personality and existence. He had a picture on his desk that he held near and dear to his heart. It was of him holding a fish that he'd caught. One day I decided that I would put it in a frame on my friend's desk:

Needless to say, my friend was not amused. Especially considering the fact that I had to remove the picture of his two daughters from the frame. The next time I came to the lab, the photo was taped to my wall, so I took it down and put it back in the frame on my friend's desk. The cycle continued another two or three times until my friend decided it had been enough. After that I came in and found the picture glued to my binder with copious amounts of rubber cement. There was no way I was getting it off, so there it stayed.

Occasionally I'll need to go through old notes to brush up on topics that I haven't thought of in a while. When I do I am reminded of my shame:

Come and dance with me Michael

Uh, oh. I might be in trouble. I just found out that there are bands out there that can turn a person gay. A lot of the bands I listen to are on the list. If you click on the link be sure to look at the title of the web site because it = awesome.

I wonder if this guy has heard of Of Montreal.

Forget Forget Forget Forget Forget

The concert last night was pretty good, although I got home a bit later than I'd anticipated. The band was supposed to take the stage at 10 p.m., but it was closer to 11 by the time they actually did. I'm not complaining. They had a DJ who was playing some very good music. It renewed my faith in humanity knowing that there were a lot of people who are interested in stuff other than hip hop and the top 40 crap that gets played on the radio. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate American Idol?

They played for about an hour and a half. I was only familiar with about half the songs they played though (remember, I'd never heard of the band until a few weeks ago, and all I've listened to is the sampler CD my friend gave me). At least they played my favorites off that mix.

A few things I could have done without:

• The old fat chubby guy who felt the need to dance around and rub up against everyone who happened to be within a ten foot radius. Luckily, I was able to get away from him rather quickly just by taking a few steps back.
• The gay porn that they briefly showed on the screen behind the stage. I'm no homophobe, but there's a difference between being tolerant of a lifestyle and being forced to watch the graphic details of it. As my friend put it, "Have you ever seen that movie Men in Black [long pause] Men?" I just averted my eyes until it was safe to look toward the stage again, which incidentally didn't last long (see below).
• The lead singer playing a couple of songs wearing nothing but a medallion pendant and his guitar. He may have had some shoes on still, I'm not sure. At first I thought he'd just taken his shirt off, but then the sea of heads in front of me parted and BAM, I saw cock-and-balls. However, I do think that may have been the highlight of the show for one of my friends. She came up to me afterwards waving a gold skirt that the guy had been wearing and thrown into the crowd once he stripped saying, "look what I got."

I know you're thinking two things right now:

1. Lucky girl! Why don't I ever get to catch the gold skirt?
2. You mean to tell me that a guy took the stage wearing a gold skirt and yet you were surprised when they showed gay porn?

I know you're thinking this, because I'm thinking the same thing. All in all it was a good show.

For once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam

Here's my favorite picture of a Valentine's Day event. I took it three years ago. It reminds me of my marriage.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

It's static craziness to me, is it a solar fever?

I'm going to see Of Montreal in concert tonight. I can't really tell you much about the band because I was just introduced to them last week, by a friend who asked if I wanted to go to the show. I like the sampler CD she gave me, plus tickets are only $10 so it's kind of hard to go wrong.

I'm fully expecting to see plenty of emo boys and girls there, but I don't have an aversion to them like some people I know. The subject came up the other night while I was out with some friends and one guy started talking about he went to the mall and saw emo kids everywhere.

Him: They really seem to congregate at stores like Hot Topic*. I was thinking that I should just go down to Sears, buy a ball hammer, hide out and then hit them in the head when they pass by. It'd be just like a duck blind.





* Don't get me started on how contradictive it is to "stick it to the man" by shopping at a chain store that was created just to make it more convenient for you to get clothes that show how much you're willing to "stick it to the man." That said, I own at least one shirt from Hot Topic.

Take a look at where you are it's pretty scary

I decided I'd spent enough time sitting around the house watching movies in Spanish, so yesterday I went to Arizona Hot Springs along the Colorado River with a group of people from work.


It's about a three mile hike through a canyon to the River. I hesitate to call it a slot canyon as it's not quite narrow enough, but it's pretty close, and you do have to worry about flash flooding. Well, at least you would if it ever rained in this part of the country. It didn't take us long to get there, but it's good that I went with some people who had already been there. It turns out that these hot springs have a particularly nasty little parasite that kills almost everyone it infects. The good thing is that you can only contract this parasite through your sinuses, so as long as you don't submerge your mouth and/or nose in the hot spring you'll be safe. I probably wouldn't have done that anyway, but it's still good to know.



I know what you're thinking. Surely there must be signs to warn people about this fact. Oh, there's a sign, I just don't know how much warning it gives.

I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like it might be time for an upgrade.

Anyway, I didn't put my face in the water, and I haven't noticed my brain swelling up yet, so I should be ok.

I can't wait to go back, but next time, I'm totally swimming in the Colorado River first.

Is it all just wasted time

I am continuing my quest to do absolutely nothing this weekend, but I've run into a few set backs. Perhaps the biggest one of these is that there is something screwed up with our cable. All of the premium channels (HBO, Showtime, Max, etc.) are playing in Spanish. That would be ok with me as long as I actually spoke Spanish, but I don't, so you can see my problem. That still didn't stop me from watching the Return of the Jedi though. There's something comical about watching a movie like that dubbed into a different language, but I must say, you know you're bored when you're watching a movie in a language you don't even speak.



The Return of the Jedi was released when I was eight years old. My mom let me and my brother see it on opening night. At the time I thought that it was the best movie that ever was, or ever would be created. We were a few minutes late, and we missed the beginning of the movie, so we felt justified in staying into the next showing to see what we'd missed. We probably would have stayed for the whole thing again, except our mom said she'd pick us up as soon as the first one was over. I wonder if she minded that she had to sit outside for an extra 20 minutes or so for us to get the entire story.



It's funny how things like bad acting and terrible dialogue don't matter when you're a kid. The only thing that mattered was how cool the light sabers were (I've always wanted one of my own), how cute those furry little Ewoks were, and that the good guys won. Oh, and the speeder bikes. I still want my own speeder bike. I figured by now we'd have those. Come on technology. What's the big hold up?



One more thing, I remembered how good Princess Leia looked in that metal bikini. I thought so when I was eight, and I still think so. I remember being on the playground discussing it with two of my friends. They told me that even though it wasn't included in the movie, there was a part where Jabba the Hutt made Princess Leia change into that right in front of him so he got to see her naked. Oh how I hated that Jabba the Hutt. Jealous? You betcha.

and the silver chauffeur says that it's all in your head

I took a few minutes out of my extremely busy day (of doing absolutely nothing) yesterday to wash my car. That's not terribly exciting you say? You're absolutely right, but it needed it. Badly. I haven't washed it in nearly two months even though it should have been done as soon as I came back from visiting my family for Christmas. It's funny how driving through a couple of snow storms can really dirty things up.

There are multiple reasons why I haven't washed it. First, I've been busy. Second, every time it crossed my mind it was too cold to do it. Third, and probably most important, I wanted to leave it dirty.

You see, I have a friend who is a bit of a perfectionist. If you move a pencil on his desk while he is gone, he will straighten it as soon as he returns. He usually doesn't even realize that he's doing it. He likes things to be clean. He needs things to be clean. He needed my car to be clean and he wasn't afraid to make that clear. The crazy thing was that I already knew that my car was dirty. I didn't need him to tell me that.

If you want your stuff to be in order, that's fine. If you want my stuff to be in order, that's fine too. If you come and move my stuff around so that it fits your idea of what is acceptable, that's not fine (and yes, he has taken it upon himself to straighten out my things on multiple occasions). If it pains you too much to ride around in my dirty car, well, maybe I'm going to cause you some pain.

I was actually thinking about washing my car on the way home that day, but since he felt so strongly that something needed to be said, I left it dirty. I did this simply because I knew it was killing him not to bring it up again. Finally, a few weeks later he told me that I should wash it so that the salt wouldn't start eroding the paint, but he wasn't really worried about that, he just wanted all to be right in his world. I still didn't clean it. At least not until yesterday. But that was because I wanted it done.

Don't ever mistake me for someone who isn't petty and juvenile, for I will do things (or not do them) simply out of spite.

*************************EDIT*************************

New days new guns blue haze dead sons x-rays I won't be lonely tonight

This morning I awoke at five o'clock and felt a huge wave of relief when I realized that I had in fact passed my comprehensive exam (contrast that with yesterday when I awoke at the same time and immediately began dry heaving because I was so nervous about taking it). I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.*

As I was lying there staring at the ceiling, I remembered that I still hadn't told some of my friends the good news. I sent a text message to my friend that recently moved to Boston in order to let him know (after all, he's the only one who would have been awake at that time because of the time difference).

His response: Congrats! Did u just get in from a wild night of hookers & coke?

I wish!

The truth is, I didn't do anything to celebrate. Nothing at all. In fact, I went back to work almost immediately. I'd arranged for a friend of mine to cover my labs in case things went badly again, but since they didn't, and since I was done plenty of time before my class began, I told her not to worry about it. That may have been a mistake, because I was completely spent by the time I got home, but I've become such a loser that I really didn't have any desire to go out anyway.

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I now realize that I'm a workaholic. I've been awake for nearly three hours, and I feel like I need to go do something productive. I'm not going to. I'm not doing anything work related until Monday. I promised myself that. Now I just need to go find something to do in the meantime. For starters I think I'll go catch a matinee.




* I knew I should have taken some muscle relaxers before going to bed.

Done is good, but done well is so much fucking better

I passed my comps bitches! That is all for now.

It's a good day to skip because

I know a girl who wants to start up a lava farm. She asked me if I'd be interested in buying some of her volcano seeds, but I didn't know if I was ready for that kind of commitment. After all, having your own volcano is quite a lot of responsibility. She said that she wouldn't have any seeds for about a month, so I have some time to make a decision.

Tomorrow I'm taking my comps (again). In the event that things go as badly as they did the first time, I may need a volcano. What better place for Keil Holliday to set up a secret hide-out as he begins his secret life of crime?

But gravity always wins

A girl I know texted me in response to yesterday's post:

Her: Define nice boobs.
Me: Nice and round and perky but not too big.
Her: And you wonder why you have trouble with the ladies.
Me: I don't wonder at all. I know I'm retarded. The answer to your question would have been 'yours' if I thought I had a legitimate chance.
Her: As long as you know that there might be hope.
Me: There's no hope for me. You know that.

My fake plastic love

Friend: Is that girl over there cute? I can't tell.
Me: She's cute if you're into that fake-plastic-too-much-make-up sort of look.

A few seconds later:

Me: She's got a nice body though.
Friend: Yeah?
Me: I said nice body, but what I really meant was nice boobs.
Friend: Is that always what you mean when you say nice body?
Me: Pretty much.

They call me Mr. Tinkertrain

The first quiz I give every semester includes the question "What is your TA's name?" Maybe it's an ego thing, but I get annoyed when we're two months into a semester and there are still students who don't know my name. Seriously, it's one name to remember. Is it really that difficult?

I don't expect all of my students to get it right after one week, and I give them the point even if they miss it, but asking them usually gets the point across that I expect them to know who I am. Not only does it satisfy my ego, but they also have to write my name on their exams so the professors know who to give their exams to when it's time to hand them back.

Anyway, it can be humorous to see what the people who don't remember my name will write down for an answer. This week, one of them put something that I like a lot. In fact, I think I may have found a new moniker, or at least an alias if I ever resort to a life of crime.

The name? Keil Holliday!

Tommy the Cat's my name, and I say unto thee

This is the story of how I intentionally scarred the lives of two little girls, but did so unintentionally. You might be thinking that the previous sentence makes absolutely no sense, but you'd be wrong, as you'll see shortly.

When I was 16 years old I was employed at the local meat packing plant. My job was to clean the place up after business hours. It certainly wasn't the best paying job, nor was it the best work environment, but the hours were flexible so it wasn't all bad. I worked there with one of my close friends, and our boss didn't care what time we went in as long as everything was clean by the time he had to start everything up at 5 the next morning. The problem with that was that sometimes it was a little too easy to put off going to work.

The meat packing plant was about a mile from my house, and I usually had to walk there, but occasionally my parents would let me take their car, especially if it was late. It was one such night when 'the incident' happened. I'd put off going to work until about ten o'clock, and my parents let me take the car so that I wouldn't be out any later than I was going to be already.

As I was driving to work a cat crossed the street just in front of me, so I did what any teenage boy who had just obtained a driver's license would do: I swerved to try and hit it. It wasn't until after I swerved that I noticed the two little girls on the sidewalk. Not wanting to force them to witness the bloodshed that was about to occur, I swerved to try and miss the cat as soon as I saw them, but it was too late. I ran over the cat with the back tire.

I didn't stop. I just felt guilty that these kids had witnessed me killing a furry little animal. I felt even worse when I was driving home from work and the cat was no longer lying on the side of the road. Apparently it wasn't just any cat. It was their cat. I hope they thought it was just an accident because it was dark, but I doubt that's the case.

I would say that it was the last time I intentionally killed something, but that would be a lie.

I hope that your song's not The Boys of Summer just because you were both born on that day

A friend of mine is having a birthday this weekend. I asked him if he had any plans.

Him: I think that I'm just going to take it easy. I've been so busy lately, but a blow job would be nice.

Me: Sorry dude, I can't help you out there.

Don't wanna wake up with noone beside me, don't wanna take up with nobody new

Earlier this week I had breakfast with my ex-girlfriend. She was in town for the weekend and called to see if I wanted to see her before she flew out. To be honest, I was a little surprised that she called, but I've said before that we wanted to stay friends, so it made me feel good that she did. I was beginning to have my doubts about whether that was still going to be the case.

The timing was a little weird because I have been thinking about her lately. That's not to say that I'm sitting around moping, but occasionally I think about what might have been if she hadn't moved 2000 miles away.

She looked good, as always. We had a lot of catching up to do, but in some ways it was almost like no time at all had passed, even though I haven't seen her in nearly a year. It's funny how you forget about the little things though. Like the fact that she always eats weird stuff for breakfast (seriously, a chicken panini?).

She's basically the reason that I have so many rules for who I'll consider getting into a relationship with (well, that and the fact that I don't want to end up in a relationship like I had with my ex-wife again). There are women out there who fit my criteria, it's just a matter of finding them, getting them interested and then keeping them nearby.

Dear Chicago

I don't have much time these days, so instead of taking the time to post something that would change your life, I'll just give you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Dear Chicago by Ryan Adams. I tried to find a decent video of it on YouTube, but the sound wasn't good on any of them. If you haven't heard it already, go spend $0.99 on itunes and download it. You'll be glad you did.

Here are the lyrics:

Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday
Well I got something to confess
She picked me up on Friday
Asked me if she reminded me of you
I just laughed and lit a cigarette
Said that's impossible to do
Life's gotten simple since and it fluctuates so much
Happy and sad and back again I'm not crying now too much
I think about you all the time
It's strange and hard to deal
I think about you lying there and those blankets lie so still
Nothing breathes here in the cold
Nothing moves or even smiles
I've been thinking some of suicide
But there's bars out here for miles
Sorry about the every kiss
Every kiss you wasted bad
I think the thing you said was true
I'm gonna die alone and sad

The wind's feelin' real these days
Yeah and baby it hurts me some
Never thought I'd feel so blue
New York City you're almost gone
I think that I've fallen out of love
I think I've fallen out of love
I think I've fallen out of love with you

In other music news, I told you I'd report on the cds I ordered; Band of Horses-Everything All the Time, and Califone-Roots and Crowns. They're both good, but right now I like Band of Horses better. That could be because I'm on my 7,562,321st time listening to it and I just haven't given Califone enough listening time though. If you're looking to pick up a new cd, I recommend it. In fact, take out a second mortgage on your house and go buy it even if you can't afford it (ok, maybe it's not that good). To me, Band of Horses sounds like The Shins and My Morning Jacket, and if you don't know who those bands are, well, then I'm friend breaking up with you right now.

Tell me something that will make this seem it's worth my while

I got an email from my daughter stating the following:

You're my #1 favorite Valentine EVER!
But, um, don't let it go to your head.

It made me smile.

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna die alone and sad.

I can foresee myself becoming a less assholey, straight version of Ennis Del Mar.

Tiny insects everywhere

Yesterday I went to my class where we hold weekly discussions of papers that are relevant to the work we do in our research group. Since I already subscribe to the journal this week's article was from, I just took that issue with me to class rather than printing a copy. One of the other students saw the cover and mentioned that he had found something similar in his water at a Mexican restaurant here in town.


Once class was over I closed the journal and another guy saw the cover.

Him: What the hell is that?
Me: It's your mom.
Him: Yeah, that looks like her proboscis and feathery antennae.

I know your best was still your worst

Here are some examples of things it's ok to say to your lab instructor during the first day of lab.

1. I was thinking about transferring to another lab, but only if I can get into another one of yours. I heard you were the best TA.
2. I heard that you were the hardest TA, but that it's a good thing because you really know your stuff and know how to teach, unlike a lot of the others.

Here are some examples of what not to say. At least not if you're intent on getting a good grade.

1. When he tells you to just call him by his first name rather than Mr. [Minnow], you should not reply, "Well, you do have a lot of years on you."
2. When he walks by and overhears you say, "He's so cute." You should not follow that up by looking at him and saying, "No, not you."

And here is something not to do.

1. You should not believe the writing on the board stating that your instructor is a "jerk mcjerkface jerkpants."

You can go against my advice and say (or do) these things if you wish, but don't come crying to me when you receive a failing grade even though you deserved an A.

Hey Ladies, Get Funky

In the ongoing series of strange things that occur on my lunch break, I have two more things to share. Are they good things? Funny things? Will they change your life? No. But I'm in a hurry.

Yesterday we went to a Chinese Buffet. I wasn't quite sure that I wasn't dreaming though because they had Hey Ladies by the Beastie Boys playing over the loudspeaker. How many of you can say you've gone out for Chinese and listened to the Beastie Boys while you ate? It was more like I was at home, except that I'd never take the effort to fix Chinese food at home.

I could tell that it was a REAL Chinese place because a girl at the table next to me was eating her ice cream cone with chopsticks.

People are strange.

Middle school was enough for me, all I need to know how to do is count money

In honor of the new semester I'm giving you a pop quiz. There are two questions, one dealing with etiquette, and one dealing with proper parenting. Good luck!

1. True or False. When you're at lunch and the manager brings you your food and asks "How about some strawberries with your spinach veggie wrap?" The correct response is, "How about you shut the hell up and get your ass out of here?"

2. True or False. When you have your two year old child at the deli, and he's playing with the sign that has your order number on it so that the employees can bring your food to your table, an appropriate thing to say to your son is, "If you hit me in the face with that number I will punch you in your little baby balls."

Take your feet off of that dictionary please. Who do you think you are?*

So, in search of further validation, I too went to the dictionary for the exact definition of 'good' (Take that hoity-toity Christians. You're not the only ones who know how to use a dictionary [does anyone really know how to spell hoity-toity?]). It turns out there are 31 definitions of the word, not just the one that was listed on the "Smart Card."

Here are the ones that I'm going to go ahead and say apply to me:

1. satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree of high quality
2. excellent well-behaved genuine
3. not counterfeit
4. not spoiled or tainted
5. (of the complexion) smooth; free from blemish
6. sufficient or ample
7. satisfactory for the purpose conforming to rules of grammar, usage, etc.;
8. correct
9. full (this one only applies after meals)
10. loyal
11. fairly large or great
12. free from precipitation or cloudiness
13. fertile

Go ahead, pick one and use it in a sentence. I'll go first:

Is that Native Minnow in the fridge still good?

*and no, I'm not above using cheesy lyrics from children's songs that Japanese teenagers like to listen to in order to have a title that matches the post

If there is a hell I'll see you there

I came across this card the other day as I crossed campus:


Of course, I had to try it out. You know, to get validation that I am a "good" person. Imagine my surprise when I placed my thumb on it for 15 seconds and nothing happened. It didn't turn green. Was there something wrong with the card? Worse, is there something wrong with me? I read the back and found out that yes, there is something wrong with me.

"Sorry . . . you're just like the rest of us. The dictionary says "good" is to be "morally excellent." Let's check the standard - the Ten Commandments, to see how far we fall short"

Here are the questions the card then asks, along with my answers:

Is God first in your life? No. It turns out that I'm extremely selfish and I pretty much come first in my life. I'd argue that anyone that says anything different is full of crap.

Do you love Him with all your "heart, soul, mind and strength?" I guess not. How else would I have time to eat, sleep, work, etc.

Have you made a god to suit yourself? I pretty much just worship myself. But I don't offer any burnt sacrifices or anything.

Have you used God's name in vain? Well, I haven't used His first name, if that's what you mean.

Have you kept the Sabbath holy? I don't suppose there's anything holy about watching football all day, baking a cake and giving my blog a make over. That's how I spent this past Sabbath. Ok, so maybe the cake came out divine. Does that count?

Have you always honored your parents? All except that one time that I knocked my girlfriend up and had to get married. Oh, and probably every time I've ever argued with them or gone against their wishes.

Have you hated anyone, and therefore committed murder in your heart? Well, there was that one time when a guy pissed me off so I caused a near fatal car accident with my mind powers.

Have you looked with lust and therefore commited adultery in your heart? Not in the past five minutes.

Have you lied (including fibs), stolen (the value is irrelevant), or coveted other people's possessions? Yes (I could be lying right now, would you know?), yes (I steal eggs from my roommate almost every time I bake) and yes (ipods, laptops, cars, pretty much anything that I don't already have).

Great. I'm screwed! And until I saw this card I actually thought I was a decent human being. Stupid evangelical Christians and their stupid guilt trips.

Appeal to the hearts of the young

So obviously I've given the blog a bit of a makeover, but I can't decide if I like it better this way or not. I need your opinions. Should I leave it, go back to the old look, or try something else?

Casino Queen, My Lord You're Mean

Because I'd be damned if they were going to get that one too.

She likes to party, she likes to tease, but without money she's not easy to please

Last night I went to a friend's house for dinner. It was very enjoyable, especially since he's a much better cook than I am (i. e. the food actually tasted good and everything combined to make what a normal human being would consider a meal). I ate so much that I had to turn down a second piece of carrot cake and ice cream because I felt that if I ate any more I'd probably vomit. When I'm turning down sweets you know it's serious. We hung out for a while listening to music and watching a reality show with the sound turned off (it probably turns out to be much better television that way). I finally left when I'd digested enough to be able to slowly waddle out to my car.

As I was driving home I called a girl I know. She told me that she was going to have me come over there to keep her company while she packed for a weekend trip, but didn't because my friend told her that he was having me over for dinner. We talked for a while, even while I started getting ready for bed.

Her: If you'd have come over tonight I even had a Violet Crumble that you could have had.
Me: I'll come over right now. Nevermind that I'm wearing my thermals. (shut up, our heater's acting up and won't keep the house any higher than 61)
Her: I'm wearing thermals too. We could match.
Me: That depends. What color are they?
Her: White.
Me: Mine are white too.
Her: But I bet mine look better than yours.
Me: You realize that this just turned into the lamest ever version of 'so what are you wearing,' right?

My moral standing is lying down

I've mentioned before about how I joke with my friends about going to a strip club anytime we have a reason to celebrate. I've taken this to a new level by mentioning it every time I don't want to decide where to go to lunch. After all, one of the newer strip clubs has added a kitchen. It is now Treasures Gentlemen's Club and Steakhouse.

You know, because nothing goes better with steak than a nice pair of fake boobs in your face (or is it the other way around?).

I wonder what else they have on the menu.

You have to decide: Tits, or destiny?

I really don't have a lead in to this conversation I had with a friend yesterday, it's already obvious enough as it is. Nevertheless, I still thought I'd share:

Me: You mean the girl with nice breasts.
Him: Does she have nice breasts?
Me: I don't know, I've never met her. That's just how she was described to me.
Him: But she's older though, and married.
Me: Doesn't matter, I can still look.
Him: Looking's not fun anymore.
Me: What are you talking about? Looking never gets old. I mean sure, it's not as fun as grabbing but . . .
Him: That's what I meant.

Just then a rather attractive girl walked by.

Him: Here, let's do a test. You look and I'll grab.

It's nice to know that I am not alone as I gradually turn into a dirty old man.

Please pass the milk please

The other day my sister called me up and informed me that she and her husband wanted to go on the Native Minnow diet. I told her that it might not be a good idea as it seems I'm getting softer and softer around the mid-section. Not to be deterred, she proceeded to ask the following:

Q: When you make burritos how many do you eat? Are they big or small?
A: Two. Medium sized.

Q: What do you usually eat for breakfast?
A: Nothing.

Q: What do you usually eat for lunch?
A: I normally go out for lunch and order the veggie options on the menu (or at least low fat).

Anyway, I thought I'd help her out a little more than that by listing what I've had for dinner the past few days:

• Baby carrots and hummus + pancakes
• Scrambled egg beaters + a halibut fillet + chips and salsa
• Clam chowder + gourmet hot chocolate
• Chicken and broccoli linguine + oatmeal w/ brown sugar

You see, the key to the Native Minnow diet is to find things that absolutely do NOT go together and combine them into one meal. It will probably agree with your stomach more if you eat them at different times. For example, eat the carrots and hummus before you decide to fix yourself pancakes. Of course, the degree that the food is mismatched gets proportionally worse the longer one puts off a trip to the supermarket (I finally broke down and went shopping last night).

Hey music man just play something cool

I probably should have written this post a couple of weeks ago if I was going to do it, but I really don't have anything else right now so tough luck. Besides, I know at least two of you like my music taste so maybe this will give you some suggestions.

Over all, 2006 was a sub-par year as far as music goes. At least in my opinion. Most of what I picked up throughout the year was older stuff that I really liked but never ended up getting (e.g., Tool - Undertow; Ween - The Mollusk), or stuff that was released in 2005 but I didn't get until last year (e. g., Clem Snide - The End of Love; Ok Go - Oh No).

That being said, here are some of my favorite music releases of last year:

• Tool - 10,000 Days: A little while ago I talked about how cool it is to rediscover an album or band. This is an album that prompted such a rediscovery. I really liked Tool in the early '90's, but didn't ever own any. After all, why buy the album yourself when all your friends have it and you can just listen to it when you're with them, right? I'll tell you why. Because when you don't live near your friends anymore, you miss out on a lot of your favorite music (of course, this is less of a problem now that everyone has burning capabilities). I listened to this album for several weeks straight, and subsequently picked up a lot of the older stuff that I'd never got around to owning. Good stuff.
• Calexico - Garden Ruin: As my friend Rural Murder said the other day, this is one song away from being a perfect album. He and I disagree on this. I actually like the song that he doesn't. Just because it's sung in French doesn't mean that it's stinky and rude.
• Built to Spill - You in Reverse: I owe my ex-girlfriend big time for introducing me to this band. I picked this album up mostly because I felt guilty about owning burned copies of a lot of their other stuff and felt like I should support the band if I liked them so much. I'm glad I did. It's a good songwriter than can have a song that's 6 or 7 minutes long and still leave you wishing it wasn't over (this also holds for Tool).
• Pete Yorn - Nightcrawler: I think this album suffered a little because I got too much new music at once and therefore couldn't devote enough time to listening to just one album. It's kind of a new sound for him, and he has some really great stuff on here (Splendid Isolation is one of my favorite songs of last year).
• The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers: This CD has a lot of good songs on it, and the band itself is a side project by two artists that I enjoy (Jack White and Brendan Benson). However, it doesn't seem to have much lasting power with me. It's certainly not an album that I'd listen to over and over again over a short period, but it's fine to pop in once in a while.
• The Killers - Sam's Town: I actually had to listen to this one 4 or 5 times before I liked it. It's a bit different from their first album, which is probably a good thing. Too many bands seem to get stuck in producing music that all sounds the same (I'm talking to you Green Day and Coldplay). I'm just saying don't dismiss this one at first, give it some time.
• Snow Patrol - Eyes Open: I actually feel like this is one of those girlie bands that I shouldn't like, especially since a lot of people compare them to Coldplay, but for some reason I can't stop listening to this album. Most of the songs seem to be about relationships, and not even dysfunctional ones, but I guess sometimes that's ok.

I should note that this isn't meant to be an all inclusive list of the best music released in 2006. Far from it. It's just the stuff that I've picked up and happened to really like. There's plenty that I haven't listened to yet but comes highly recommended (e. g., Califone-Roots and Crowns; Band of Horses-Everything All the Time). I'll let you know how those are when I get them later this week.

When thoughts are all you dream of, and falls are all you take

The other day I sent an email to a girl stating the following:

"You're going to think I'm a total weirdo for telling you this, but I had a dream about you the other night (no, not that kind of dream). I don't remember all the details, but I remember that you did something to diffuse a situation between me and my ex-wife where she was demanding that I do something that I didn't want to do.

This morning she called me at 6 a.m. wanting me to fax her some papers. Where were you when I needed you?!

Texas, that's where"

Her response:

"I am happy to hear you were having dreams about me, I got a little disappointed when you said that they were not "that kind"

I call shenanigans!!! No girl ever wants to be told by email that a guy has been having "that kind of dream" about her unless they are in a relationship.

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

It's time for another installment of 'The Best of Native Minnow's Teaching Evaluations!' As always, these are actual comments from my students (and as always, some of these won't be funny unless you're a biologist).

Comments about the Lab:

What is the major weakness of the lab?

• The amount of memorization is retarded . . .
• The dead frog in the fish tank!! (it wasn't really dead, it just rarely moves)
• Best Bio lab so far. (how is this a weakness?)

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?

• Anything that dealt w/plants. I don't care about plants.
• Plant/boring
• Any plant exercise - plants suck
• [Computer] labs because I would click reset when I wasn't supposed to so I'd have to start over. (I'm not sure how that's the fault of the lab)
• Anything with stupid plants. Too complex for doing nothing. (Do you mean besides providing the rest of us with oxygen?)
• Gymnospears. Too much info to remember. (including the fact that they're called gymnosperms)

Which lab experience was most informative and educational for you?

• Plant morophogeny (I think it's supposed to say morphology, but hey, nothing like making up a new word when you don't know the answer).

What was your favorite exercise? Why?

• [The field trip] - it was exceedingly boring but at least we got out of the lab room.
• Dissecting the pig, I liked learning the vascular system of mammals. (Do you mean circulatory system?).
• The pig, because I never saw a pig beyond the porkchops.

Comments about the lab instructor:

In general, how would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?

• Clear, presents ideas, well. He rules. (I just liked the punctuation on this one)

What were his/her strong points?

• Knows his shit

How could he/she improve?

• EASE UP ON THE QUIZZES!!!
• You cannot improve upon perfection!
• He's already perfect
• Keep it real
• Dress up for Halloween this time
• Give out candy?
• Be more boring, no one likes a show off [Native Minnow]!
• Buy long sleeve shirts because it's freezing outside.
• Become a Buddhist monk in Tibet for a year

Dangerous disguises that you never expect to see

Yesterday my friend and I were trying to decide where to go for lunch. I suggested that we either go to a sandwich place, or maybe to the Olive Garden to get their all you can eat soup, salad and breadsticks. We still hadn't decided specifically by the time we got to my car.

Me: So where are we going then, Olive Garden or Panera?
Him: Soup, salad and breadsticks sounds good. Let's do that. Go to the O.G.* for lunch, and lap dances.
Me: Ok, as long as we stay on the ground level. I don't want any lap dances from dudes in g-strings.
Him: But you'd be ok with dudes in booty shorts?
Me: Are there guys that wear booty shorts?
Him: Don't ask me, you're the one with the specifications.



*For those of you not "in the know" there's a strip club in Vegas called the Olympic Gardens, or O.G. for short. There are two levels. The upper level is where the male strippers are. Just thought I'd throw that in so you could understand the transition from Americanized Italian food to lap dances.

Unbearable now, you ain't seen nothin' yet

Things I need to do (according to one of my co-workers):

• Clean up my desk
• Turn my music down (even when it's playing through headphones)
• Put WD-40 on my chair (too squeaky)
• Stop moving in my chair (too squeaky)
• Stop typing so loudly

Things my co-worker needs to do (according to me):

• Lighten up
• Buy some earplugs
• Graduate
• Never get married
• Never EVER have kids

You know she begs me not to hit her

A lot of people tell me that I'm a nice guy. I'm probably too nice. In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe the reason I'm still single is that I'm not violent enough. I guess there are worse things than being single. Like being single and poor for example. It's obviously much better to be single, rich, and in prison.

Money's not concerned with the sick amongst the pure

Lately I've been thinking about what I would do if I were ever to become rich enough to just waste as much as I want. I'm not talking about becoming a professional athlete kind of rich, I'm talking about becoming a Saudi prince kind of rich. I haven't worked out the details of how exactly I'm going to do that (it could be tricky since my parents aren't royalty), but I've decided on one thing I'll do when I get to that point.

I could opt to buy myself a big gas guzzling SUV like an H2, but that's been done by just about every rapper and professional athlete in the U. S. You might suggest that I go one step further and get the stretch limo version of such an SUV, but it turns out that it's too easy to get shot in one of those.

Besides, I need something that's going to set me apart from all the common rich folk. I could go with something like a toilet made of solid gold. Alas, that too has already been done (years ago in fact). Furthermore, once you actually have the solid gold toilet, you're pretty much done wasting your money.

No, to fully demonstrate my opulence, I need something that constantly needs to be replaced. So, I've decided that I'll just use molecular grade water for all my physical needs. Not only will I drink it, but I'll also use it for showering, brushing my teeth, doing laundry, washing my cars (I will have an entire fleet of those too), etc. At a price of $28 per gallon, everyone would marvel at my lavishness, and my superiority over everyone else would be fully demonstrated.

I'm the devil I can do what I want, whatever I've got I'm gonna flaunt

I think the universe is trying to tell me something. The past few times I've eaten at Subway my meal has been the same price: $6.66.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I keep ordering the same thing every time either.

You and me and my old friends, hoping it would never end

I just had to say goodbye to two of my close friends. They're the ones who got married in Massachussetts last month. They're moving to Boston, and they leave tomorrow morning.

It should be a good move for them. He's starting a Ph D program at a great school, with an advisor who does some cool work. Plus it puts them closer to both of their families. That still doesn't mean I have to be happy about them leaving.

I've known it's been coming for a while now. I think the decision was made last spring, but it hasn't really hit until now. They threw a going away party for themselves at their house tonight and both of them invited their friends from work. Even though the movers had already packed up their belongings, and the house was basically empty except for the people, it didn't seem real until I hugged them both goodbye and walked out the door. I won't say that I cried, but my eyes weren't the driest they've ever been.

I'm going to miss them a lot. And not just because I found out tonight that she works with an attractive woman that I'm not going to be able to have her set me up with.

Now I'm big and important, one angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces of you

I have a friend who shares my exact taste in movies and music. Nary a conversation between the two of us ends without at least some discussion of a new CD to pick up, or a movie that the other should go see (if they haven't already). And yes, I said nary.

The last time I talked to him I asked if he had seen Eragon yet. Of course, nobody should have seen Eragon yet, unless it was to make fun of (or beat up) fantasy nerds, but I digress. (Speaking of digressing, I urge you all to click here and read Eric D. Snider's review of the movie, if only for the opening sentence. Go on, I'll wait). Not surprisingly, he hadn't seen it. After all, he likes the same movies I do, and I only like good movies. Plus, he's not really into beating up fantasy nerds (he will make fun of them though - like you wouldn't believe). However, he pointed out that a guy we did our master's degrees with probably had.

Now, I'm not really one to make fun of people. Ok, that's a lie. But few have made it easier to do than this guy did. He was comic book guy, minus the goatee and ponytail. This guy was nearly 30 (if not already-I forget), and spent his adult life living alone and strengthening his D&D character (he even had a nice fantasy sounding name which I'd give to you, but I googled it last night and apparently he's still going strong).

When the first installment of The Lord of the Rings came out in theaters I asked him if he was going to dress up like Gandalf and camp for tickets.

His response? "I couldn't go as Gandalf, I don't have the outfit. I could go as Strider though."

He was serious. He even owned a sword.

Curiously, he never learned the lesson of always logging yourself out of things when using a shared computer. One time I offended his girlfriend by pretending to be him when he left his IM account open, but the best thing was when he left his email account open on one of the lab computers.

He may as well have put a bow and a tag that read 'To: Native Minnow, enjoy.'

It was springtime, the semester was about to end, and students would be getting a little break before the summer terms began. Since all this guy could talk about was playing these fantasy games, and how strong his alter-ego was, I decided to go through his contacts list and send an email to a few other grad students inviting them to join the next game. With the help of two of my friends, I composed four emails and sent them out. I only remember one of them well enough to reproduce it here, but it's enough to get the point across. It went something like this:

[Fellow Grad Student],

Some of my friends and I are going to be starting a new game later this Spring and are looking for a few new players to join us. Specifically, we were wondering if you would be interested in playing a left handed axe wielding dwarf. Let me know, it should be a lot of fun.

[Comic Book Guy's look-alike]

Each email had a different character that was very much 'Lord of the Rings' themed. They were something like an evil sorcerer, an arrow shooting good elf with magic powers, and a mercenary swordsman on horseback.

I figured that each of the four recipients would realize what had happened and know it was a joke. Imagine what he thought when two of them politely declined in an actual response.

All of them ladies in their summer dresses, driving me crazy with their heroin

The other day I was talking with some friends (a guy and a girl), and as seems to happen fairly often, the conversation turned to sex. Mainly, one of my friends talked about her requirements:

Her: How much do you have? I'm easy, but I'm not cheap.
Me: I've got two bucks, what could I get for that?
Her: Absolutely nothing. Well, maybe I'd flash you or something.
Me: Whatever happened to 'first taste for free?'
Him: Dude, that only works for heroin.

One last eighty proof, slouchin' in the corner booth, baby, it's as good as it gets

On New Year's Eve, I called one of my friends to wish him a good one. During the conversation we had the following exchange:

Me: So, do you have any plans tonight? Going out with any lovely ladies?
Him: No. Hot girls don't exist in my world.
Me: No?
Him: I never see any, therefore they must not exist.
Me: It might be better that way. Think about it, what would be worse, not having them around, or having them all over the place but knowing that they aren't available to you? That's how it is here.

I'm not sure if that qualifies as sage wisdom or rubbing it in.

Box Full of Letters - 4

To the guy who passed me in the canyon the other night:

Please take that fucking spoiler off your Ford F-150. Those are only meant for sports cars, not big trucks. Besides, this isn't the fast and the furious, you don't have to Tokyo Drift your way through the curves. I hate people like you.

Love,
Native Minnow

Hey, are you lonely?*

I don't anticipate the new year having much effect on my luck with the ladies, but I've been thinking about ways to improve the way in which I approach one when I see her.

And by improve, I mean do more than just leer at her from across the room.

The problem for me is, what do you say to a complete stranger without sounding desparate, or coming across as some kind of a creep? **

Here are a few things that seem to work in songs, but probably wouldn't be effective in real life:

• Death From Above, 1979: I don't need you, I want you.
• Poe: Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me?
• Killers: Don't you want to feel my bones, on your bones? It's only natural.
• Garbage: If we sleep together will you like me better?
• Nine Inch Nails: Kinda I want to maybe and just for tonight, we could pretend it's alright.***
• Primus: Say baby do you wanna lay down by my side?
• Stone Temple Pilots: I'm gonna give you something that you won't forget, I said you shouldn't have worn that dress.
• Tenacious D: Get on top honey. You do what you like.
• dEUS: Let's do it serpentine anytime, let's do it right here.
• Lords of Acid: I want to sit on your face.
• Machine Gun Fellatio: I like lips and eyes and mouth and smooth soft skin.
• NOFX: My name's Louise, now would you take your clothes off please?
• Damien Rice: Do you wanna get boned, you wanna get stoned, you wanna get a room like no-one else, you wanna be rich, you wanna be kitsch, you wanna be the bastard of yourself, you wanna get burned, you wanna get turned, you wanna get fucked inside out?
• Pedro the Lion: Just one more kiss, just one more touch, please ten more minutes.

* Remy Zero

**Especially in this town where any attractive girl has already been hit on at least 749 times by the time I see her that day.

*** Obviously this is very mild compared to some NIN lyrics I could have used.

You're a million ways to be cruel

This was the first time since I moved to Vegas that I've actually been in town on New Year's Eve. I felt as though I should try and to something Vegas-ey to celebrate last night, and had made plans to go out with a girl I know. Unfortunately, something came up at the last minute and instead of going 'out on the town,' we ended up just going to her place to watch a movie.

You know it's not going to be your lucky night when you hear:

"I wish we'd have gone to The Strip or something so I could find a random guy to make out with at midnight. No, I'm not kissing you."

and,

"I'd sleep with you if I thought you'd be any good."