My grandma's funeral was yesterday. I drove to Arizona Tuesday night so that I could take my kids, then we spent pretty much all day Wednesday in the car. It was a long drive, but it was a pretty drive.

I got stuck in a gas station parking lot in Flagstaff, AZ. They got at least a foot of snow, probably more, and I'm not used to driving in it anymore. I had to do that thing where you spin out for a second in reverse, then in first gear, then in reverse, then in first gear to try and get out. Just as Togers offered to get out and push, the tires finally grabbed. Luckily that was the only "problem" we had on the road though.

We were on some icy roads near the Arizona-Utah border, and my kids all laughed when they saw a Forest Service sign saying that fire danger was "moderate" that day. Remember, there was at least a foot of snow blanketing the forest. The sign turned out to be spot on though because we drove by a tree that was smoldering. We have no idea how it would have ignited, but we decided we wouldn't doubt Smokey the Bear ever again. We stopped and played in the snow for a few minutes, but it was so cold we didn't want to be out of the car for very long.

My dashboard display has a thermometer that tells what the outside temperature was, and when it dropped down to four degrees, we decided to have one of those contests to see who could hold their hand out the window the longest. It came down to a stand-off between me and Tortellini. It was painful. I yelled, "I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE TO YOU!!!" but in the time it took me to yell that, I couldn't handle it anymore, so two seconds later pulled my hand in and said, "Alright, you win." She wouldn't play again when the temperature dropped to zero though. The low temperature that night? Twenty-one degrees below zero. It was the first time in a long time I felt my nostrils freeze when I inhaled through my nose.

Mr M was full of questions about the funeral the night before. Where was it going to be, how long was it going to be, etc.

Mr M: Are you going to cry like a little baby tomorrow?
Me: Probably.
Mr M: Can we have a snowball fight at the graveyard?
Me: Absolutely not!
Mr M: I'm going to let people have snowball fights at my funeral.

It was nice to see a lot of my extended family again. Some of them I hadn't seen in over five years. I drove away with the realization that it could very well have been the last time I'd ever see them since my grandmother was basically the glue that held the family together. I don't know what's worse, that realization, or being okay with it if it turns out to be the case.

After the funeral, my uncle asked all the grandchildren to stop by my grandmother's house to see if there was anything they'd like to take to remember her by. I took a crystal candy dish, and a Christmas ornament. Tortellini took some porcelain dolls that my grandma had made. Togers found an old polaroid camera (something which he'd already been asking me to get him) and a fountain pen that he kept. Mr M had the most eclectic "inheritance" though. He came up to me with a piece of cardboard and a wooden hammer and asked if he could keep those. I told him he could. Then he found a jar of paperclips that he wanted because he could use them to make a cool necklace. He also made off with an old wooden cane, and a long robot arm type of thing my grandma used to grab things off of high shelves with. He's been playing with it ever since.

The silver lining in all of this is that now I have a few more memories with my kids, and they have a few more with their grandparents (whose house I'm at now). Grandma said she wanted her funeral to be a joyous occasion, and there was enough laughing and joking among the tears that I think she'd have been happy with that.

The story I heard

Pearls of wisdom from Mr M:

You know, dentists don't care if you brush your teeth every single day.

Hold on to those you hold dear

The second I saw the name on the caller ID I knew what the call was about. I answered it anyway.

"[Minnow], it's Mom. [Uncle] just called to let us know that Grandma died a few minutes ago."

Even though it's been expected for a while, it's still hard to hear those words. My mother and I talked for a few more minutes, but then I decided I needed to get off the phone so I could call my kids and let them know. My ex-wife went and rounded them up, then called me back when they were all together so I could tell them over speaker-phone. It seems like such an impersonal way to spread this kind of news, but sometimes that's how things have to be when you're hundreds of miles apart. By the time my ex-wife had them all sitting there together, and I finally told them what was going on, I honestly think my kids were relieved to find out that it was my grandma (who we all knew was going to pass away) instead of theirs.

My grandmother was a very religious woman, and didn't want anybody to be sad when she was gone. She wanted her funeral to be a celebration of sorts. She was ninety-two years old, and lived a full life. Few, if any, of us will make it that far. I just wanted to take some time to reflect on some of the memories I have of her and share them here.

I visited my grandma a few times this year. Never for more than an hour or two at a time, but it was enough. I think. During one of those visits she told me, "I have nineteen grandchildren. Each one of them thinks that they're my favorite. And you know what? They're all right!"

She had several traditions that helped make us all feel special. Every year I looked forward to getting my birthday card from her. She must have paid a lot of postage, because she'd tape coins to the inside of the card, one of each kind for every year I'd been alive. For example, when I turned ten years old, she sent a card with a ten dollar bill, ten one dollar bills, ten quarters, ten dimes, ten nickels, and ten pennies. That was quite the haul for a ten year old back then. At least it was to this ten year old.

We always looked forward to spending New Year's Eve at her house, because we were the only kids in the world who were lucky enough to have a second overnight visitor from the North Pole. It wasn't Santa Claus though. He only came on Christmas Eve. But wouldn't you know it? There were always a few left-over toys and treats that needed to be taken care of, so Santa sent one of his elves, Johnny Green, to deliver them to her grandchildren on New Year's Eve. My parents would always discourage us from discussing what Johnny Green had brought us when we went back to school. They didn't want the other kids to have to feel bad that Johnny Green never came to their Grandmas' houses.

She had a large back yard, which was perfect for Easter Egg hunts every spring. There were dozens and dozens of colored eggs set out for all the grandchildren to go out and find. Some of them were just colored eggs. But some of them came with a cash reward. It was probably just her way of keeping the tradition alive as we all got older, but there were some competitive searches for the grand prize egg, which, if I remember correctly, was worth ten dollars. Several other "cash" eggs were set out that were worth anywhere from five cents to five dollars. It was easy for a kid to go home slightly richer than they'd arrived that day.

My grandma grew up in the Bear Lake area (in southern Idaho/northern Utah). We had a few family reunions there, but one summer she took just me and one of my cousins to visit Bear Lake for a week, where she took us around to show us all the places that were important to her. We spent time swimming in Bear Lake, water skiing behind her brother-in-law's boat, exploring the depths of Minnetonka Cave, diving off of rope swings into mountain lakes, shooting pool, and perhaps most importantly eating raspberry shakes. It was only a week, but it left a lasting impression on me.

I could go on, but I won't. I already feel like I'm rambling. I just have one more. I visited her last year, and she asked me when I was going to have another paper published so that she could read it. I told her I was working on it, and she said that I needed to work faster because she wasn't getting any younger. I'm happy that I got the chance to visit her a couple of days after defending my dissertation. Not only did I get to tell her that I'd passed my defense, but also that I'd had a paper accepted for publication. She didn't get to read it (or the second one that was accepted the following week), but she didn't want to anyway. It was just her trying to make me feel like the favorite grandchild.

I'm going to miss her.

Hustle and Flow

My ex-wife made a comment to Mr M about a girl he plays with all the time at school. She teased him about her being his "girlfriend."

Mr M denied that was the case.

His reasoning?

"I dont even hustle with her."

Yeah, I don't know what that means either.

Over the river and through the woods

As some of you know, I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with my kids, my ex-wife, and her boyfriend. You might think that would be a recipe for a plethora of awkward moments (I know I thought that's how it would all go down), but it was rather nice. Aside from the fact that I didn't get to see my parents or siblings, and knowing that some of them probably got to eat MY banana cream pie, it was a rather enjoyable weekend.

We had Thanksgiving dinner at an old high school friend's house. I hadn't seen her in over ten years, so I thought that might be a little strange too, but it was fine. Her husband was super nice, and her kids had a good time with mine. At least I think they did.

Friday we decided to venture out of the house to get some lunch and do some shopping. Since he apparently didn't get enough to eat the day before, Togers decided to take on a one pound hamburger in an attempt to gain fame and notoriety by having his picture on the wall along with the other fatties. I documented the event.

A daunting task ahead:


But he didn't shy away:


Almost there, but looking a little like he wants to vomit:


Finished (and he didn't even puke):


Posing for his picture to go on the wall:


Couple that with the fact that I was able to get a little bit of Christmas shopping done, I'd say Black Friday was a success.

All except for when we let the kids talk us into going into a pet store. There were certainly some cute little puppies. Like this one:



We ran into trouble when we had to explain to Mr M that he couldn't get one. Especially not for the $3000 price tag. Here's the tail end of his reaction to that news:

I'm pretty sure that boy is staying in tonight

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Togers decided he wanted to try jumping into the pool. You know, because he just couldn't wait to see what forty degree water felt like. He didn't stay in the water long, and when he was done he placed his wet shorts on the fence in the back yard to dry. A few hours later my ex looked out and saw them there.

Ex: [Togers], go get those wet shorts off the fence before someone comes along and steals them.

Togers: Why would someone steal boys' shorts?

Ex: They might. People steal women's underwear all the time.

Togers: Yeah, but that's women's underwear. That's a little different.

Me: Not necessarily. You don't think there are any pedophiles around? They might be interested in stealing your shorts.

Ex: Yeah, [Togers]. You've always been a pedophile's favorite.

Unintentional tape manipulations

Today my class did a lab exercise to learn about probabilities and genetics. Part of the lab activity told them to tape a few colored disks together to simulate the way gametes fuse during fertilization. I brought tape with me to class, but forgot to put it out for the students to use. It wasn't really necessary, and most of the students finished the exercise without it, but one girl really started complaining about my "lack of preparedness."

Her: How are we supposed to finish this if you didn't even bring tape?

Me: I brought tape. It's in my bag. You don't really need it, but I'll go get you some if you want.

Her: I do.

I went and got a roll of tape out of my bag, and tossed it to her lab partner.

Me: Here you go. And while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and use that to tape her mouth shut too?

Grandma take me home

I have a friend who is renovating his house. He's had a contractor doing most of the work(painting, putting in new carpet, new hardwood floor in the living room, etc.), but wanted to do some of the easier things himself. He's replacing all the light switches, outlet boxes, phone and cable jacks, which is all pretty easy to do, just time consuming, so one of my other friends and I went out to help him for a few hours.

Once we got to a good stopping point he suggested we go out to dinner and then he'd show us around the neighborhood. At dinner, my friend asked if there were any hot MILFs in the neighborhood. He said, well, there's a little bar just around the corner that I'm sure would be full of hot MILFs for you. We'll stop by there after dinner.

We walked in, and he said, "Welcome to the MILF bar."

My other friend and I looked around, and there wasn't a single patron under the age of fifty.

I said, "I'm not sure this is a MILF bar. It's more like a GILF bar, because they're all grandmas. But, the 'L' doesn't really apply, because I wouldn't like to."

He replied, "Well then, perhaps we should call it the GIRNF* bar instead."









*GIRNF - Granny I'd Rather Not Fuck

There's an ember in the rafters and it's going to burn the whole thing down

Has it really been a year and a half since our last bonfire at the dry lake bed? Well, not anymore. We fixed that this weekend.

My friend and I were hanging out at a bar beforehand, and one of the servers asked us if we wanted to stick around after her shift so she could hang out with us. We told her we couldn't, because we were going to have a bonfire in the desert. She asked, "A bonfire? How old are you guys again?"

It doesn't matter how old you are. There's always a good time to be had when there's a bonfire involved.

A few highlights of the evening:

Someone tied glow sticks onto their shoes and took off running across the lake bed. I'll admit, it was kind of cool to see green lights bobbing up and down out in the darkness. It was even better when someone else ran out there and tackled the first person, what with the lights flying up in the air and all.

Okay, so maybe that was a little juvenile. Whatevs.

At one point someone started talking about a documentary they had seen about people who have sex with horses. Why anyone would watch such a documentary is beyond me, but even if I did watch, I'd keep it to myself.

One couple brought a some bags of beef jerky, and a bag of pup-peroni for their dog. I got the bags confused at least three different times. Luckily, the texture was different, so I didn't end up eating any doggie snacks.

Probably the funniest part of the night came when a girl told me, at knifepoint, to "get on the fucking car" so she could have her way with me. She didn't though. I don't know whether I should feel relieved, or extremely disappointed by that.

Eventually, the wind started blowing sand all over the place. Not to exaggerate at all, but it was basically just like the sand storm from The Mummy. My friend and I left at that point. It was probably for the best since i didn't crawl into bed and fall asleep until about 4 a.m. I was hoping to sleep in, but then I got a missed call from Tortellini around 7:45. My phone kept buzzing until I acknowledged that, so I called back to see what she wanted. She wanted to know if Grandma had a recipe for ginger spice cookies. Being the great father that I am I said, "I don't know. Don't you think you should call and ask Grandma instead?"

No word as to whether or not she got the recipe.

So hot, so cold

Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend: You're hot as a biologist.

Me: As a biologist?

GWWBMG: And you're hot as a Ph. D.

Me: Why can't I just be hot, without the qualifiers?

GWWBMG: Because there are certain things you wouldn't be hot as. You wouldn't be hot as a waiter.


Great. I guess that means I'm biology hot.

It's midnight at the starlite diner

Restaurants where you wouldn't want to eat if they in fact existed:

- Guantanamo's Fine Dining

- Sum Yung Dong All You Can Eat Korean

- Hitler's Steakhouse

- Girls Next Door Sushi

- Pizza Face's Pizza Parlor

Three words that became hard to say: I and love and you

The other day a girl I know dropped by my building to see if she could get a form signed by my adviser, whose office is just down the hall. He wasn't in, so she sat in my office for a few minutes to see if he'd show up. One of my lab mates heard me talking, but not her, so he poked his head in to see why I was talking to myself.

She made a comment to him that made fun of me somehow (I can't remember what it was).

I looked at him and said, "[She] doesn't love me anymore."

She asked me, "Did I ever?"

I answered, "Let's see, you've met me, and you're female, so yeah."

Now that I'm saved I wish I was damned

The other day one of my friends came into my office to get my take on an idea she's thinking about incorporating into her dissertation. It's funny that she would do that, considering that I'm retarded, and she knows that.

After I told her I thought her idea was interesting, and doable, and that her adviser would probably like it, she started playing around with some of the figures I have on my desk. In doing so, she knocked Pencil Top Jesus down on His face. Then she turned around to walk out of the room.

"Wait. You're just going to knock Jesus over and leave Him lying there like that?"

"I'm a Jew. It's what we do."

You'll be happy to know that Pencil Top Jesus has risen* again, and now presides over my office.



But He needs to look over His shoulder, because the devil has taken the form of a duck, and seems to be gaining power.







*Not THAT way.

Holdin' hands in the rain s-sayin' words like "I love ya', d-d-do you love me?"

Here's a new music compilation for your listening pleasure.

Just Gotta Be Brave Enough (click to download the zip file)
1. Wicked Blood - Sea Wolf
2. You And I - Wilco
3. Painting By Chagall - The Weepies
4. On The Wing - Owl City
5. Be Here - Red Shepherd
6. My Timing Is Off - Eels
7. Tell Me Something I Don't Know - The Thrills
8. Kick Drum Heart - The Avett Brothers
9. Ether - Verbana
10. Lasso - Phoenix
11. Good Ol' Boredom - Built To Spill

Take the ride as far as anyone can go

It's official. My car is hella evil:

Hindsight's given me too much memory

Eight years ago today, at approximately 3:30 a.m.

"Where have you been? I'm going to be late for work."

"Well, I made it back in time, so don't worry about it. Go to work."

"Where were you?"

"With my cousin."

"Until three in the morning? Doing what?"

"I don't know, just hanging out with him and his friends. They're more fun than you."

"You need to stop doing this. You know I can't just leave the kids and go to work on the assumption that you'll be back."

"I think you need to move out."

"What?"

"It's over."

And I get lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

I got a spam email the other day from a "woman" who is apparently looking for love:

Hello
How are you today? I hope you are fine.My name is Anna Luck,26 years I am single girl looking for honest and nice person. Somebody who i can partner with .I don't care about your colour or ethnicity.I would like to know you more,most especially what you like and what you dislike.I'm sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much happiness.I am looking forward to hear from you,
Love from,
Anna

I'm going to go ahead and not reply, and she's going to have to continue "looking forward to hear" from me.

Too much never seen

Me: Not it.

Friend: Not it? On who?

Me: That girl over there.

Friend: Really? I didn't get a good look, but I didn't think she was not-it-able.

Me: Nevermind. I take it back. I just got another look, and while she's not super cute, she's not terribly ugly either.

Friend: Whatever. You'd totally do her.

Me: Yeah. In fact, why don't you go over there and tell her that? My friend over there takes it back: He'd totally do you.

Adjectives on the typewriter, he moves his words like a prize fighter

I'm slowly but surely revising my dissertation according to comments given to me by my committee members. Four of the five had very little to say about it, but one had a lot of suggested changes. A lot of suggested changes. Some of them were helpful (very few), and others not so much (most), but he refused to sign off on the manuscript, so they're not exactly "suggestions" at this point since I have to go show him that I've made them all before I can his signature and actually graduate.

Since I'm a procrastinator and all, sometimes I like to do things that aren't exactly work, but make me feel as though I've done something productive with my time. A few days after I defended, before I really wanted to think about making the changes themselves, I went through the marked up copies of my dissertation and added all the suggestions from my committee to the electronic document using the 'Track Changes' function in Word. At the end of each comment I put the last name of the committee member who'd made it, so that when I went through to deal with them all, I'd know who to ask if I was confused about what they meant. Since some of the one committee member's many, many comments were not useful (dare I say stupid?), I found myself getting a little annoyed as I added his comments to the electronic file.

A few times I noticed that I'd typed his last name beginning with a lowercase letter. I started to go fix it, but then, in an act of childish behavior, I decided to leave it. I know, right? That sure showed him.

Anyway, he got the last laugh without even knowing it. The reason? As I have been dealing with each of these comments in the revised manuscript, I delete each one. The problem? Each one of the comments where I failed to capitalize his last name now requires an extra step, because I have to acknowledge the grammatical error before Word will allow me to delete the comment. The lesson? Some people are just here to make life difficult for others, even when they're not even trying. That, or that childish behavior doesn't usually give the desired result.

Here he comes again, my evil twin

I dressed up as Bill Clinton for Halloween. Alas, I didn't have someone with me dressed as Monica, but I did buy some cigars and rented a pretty cool saxophone to complete the outfit. The costume was a smashing success judging by the number of people who commented.

I went with a few friends to Fremont Street. We parked the car, and walked past the Greyhound bus station where all the crackheads called out to me: "Hey Bill! Tell me the truth, did you inhale?" I wanted to tell them, "No, and you shouldn't have either," but instead said, "I did just once, but don't tell anybody." The crackheads really seemed to love that. They would.

As soon as we stepped onto the pedestrian walkway, a go-go dancer spotted me, stopped dancing and called out to me. My friends told me I should have gone up and posed for a picture with her, but I didn't feel like maneuvering my way through the crowd. In hindsight, I kind of regret it, because she was hot. Oh well.

After that, my friends made me walk ahead of them so that they could watch people react to seeing me. I couldn't walk ten feet without someone calling out to me to say something. "Hey, Bill! I'd vote for you again right now if I could." "Bill, where's Monica?" But perhaps my favorite was when someone came up to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend and said, "We know he didn't inhale, but did you swallow?" I guess it didn't matter that she wasn't dressed up as Monica, she got to be my Monica anyway.

It was a small taste of what it'd probably be like to be a celebrity. I probably had thirty people ask me to pose for pictures with them. One guy asked if I'd take a picture with his wife, but then asked if "I could put a little something on her blue collar." I posed for a picture with another guy only to look down after his friend snapped the shot to see that a girl had snuck into the frame and acted like she was performing oral on me. Another time I started to walk off after posing for a picture with one lady, but she grabbed my arm and asked for another one, and added "Only this time, could you place the cigar 'down there?'" Shortly after that I accidentally broke my cigar in half. Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend didn't have much sympathy: "That's what you get for being disgusting."

I posed for a picture with a religious guy who was holding a sign that read "Sexual sin leads to Satan." His wasn't meant to be a costume, but he seemed to appreciate the humor.

Another guy was holding a sign with questions written on it, and asked me if I wanted to take an IQ test. I agreed to, so he asked me to read the questions and then answer them.

Q1: How many of each animal did Moses have on the ark?
My Answer: Two.
His Answer: Wrong. Moses didn't take any animals on the ark, it was Noah.
(I decided to pay closer attention to the questions after that - After all, I couldn't allow myself to fail an IQ test.)

Him: Spell the word silk.
Me: S-i-l-k
Q2: What do cows drink?
My Answer: Water.
Him: Alright, good job.

Q3: Is it ever possible to end a sentence with the word "the"?
My Answer: Yes. You just did.
Him: Wow, good job, Bill. I'm impressed.

There were more questions than that, but I don't remember what they were. I did get them all right. He complimented me on doing so well. I said, "Well, you don't get to be president if you can't get shit like this correct."

Then he started preaching to me.

Him: Bill, have you ever lied?
Me: No. Well, there was that one time, about the whole Lewinsky thing.
Him: Have you ever stolen anything?
Me: No.
Him: Never? Not even something when you were a little kid?
Me: Nope. You don't get to be president with skeletons like that in your closet.
Him: Have you ever lusted after a woman?
Me: Alright, you got me. Five times.
Him: So by your own admission, you've broken some of God's ten commandments. Do you think you're getting into Heaven?
Me: Yeah, I do.
Him: What makes you think so?
Me: I'm Bill Clinton.

Then I walked away.

All in all, it was a fun night. I left Fremont Street early to go watch a movie at my house with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. I thought we'd watch something scary, you know, it being Halloween and all, but when we got to my house she didn't want to see the one I'd rented (Drag Me To Hell), and asked if we could look for something different on HBO On Demand. I thought there would be something like Nightmare Before Christmas, or Coraline, but there wasn't and we ended up watching Marley and Me. And that might be the scariest thing of all. According to my friend, the fact that I watched a "romantic" movie on Halloween indicates that I have a ball and chain even if neither of us admit to it.

I've got a bad idea tonight, I've got a Halloweenhead

Still looking for that perfect costume idea? It's a bad idea to go as Hitler, so go ahead and scratch that one off your list.

Instead, you can try to go as what my friend told me I should go as: a sucker perpetrator.

Yeah, I don't know how that would look either.

The flowers of naivete buried in a layer of frost

Friend: You're getting on my last nerve, [Minnow]!

Me: That's obvious.

Friend: What? You think just because you passed your dissertation defense that all of a sudden you can just be an asshole?

Me: I've been an asshole as long as you've known me.

Friend: That's not true. When I first met you, you were a naive little fucknut.

Me: And now I'm just a fucknut?

Friend: Exactly!

Little ghost little ghost the one I'm scared of the most

Do you have stuff to hand out to trick-or-treaters this year? I always pick out some of my favorites, just in case nobody comes by and I have to polish it off myself. Here's a sampling of what the kids will get to choose from when they come to my place.

For the young 'uns
- bananas
- old gum
- ramen
- Cheerios
- 8 track tapes
- Chia pet

For the older kids
- porn
- nuclear warheads
- swine flu
- crack cocaine
- the clap
- severed heads

Always a swing and a miss

Tonight I was sitting at a table with a group of friends when two guys walked over to our table, apologized for interrupting, but then asked if they could get a picture with me. When I gave them a puzzled look as to why, they said it was because they were in the military and I looked like a young Bill Clinton. I felt ridiculous, but agreed to pose with them.

Then their friends found out, and three more guys came over to see if they could take one too. They even offered to buy me a drink to make up for the fact that they were intruding. I posed with them, but declined any "payment."

They were there celebrating someone's birthday. A few minutes later, birthday girl came over and requested that I come to their table and take a picture with the entire group (about twelve people). I obliged. I was paying more attention to the photographer and to the people surrounding me than I was to the girl herself, so I didn't realize she had leaned over so that her pose simulated her giving me oral. I'm pretty sure that picture is going to be on someone's facebook page. Lovely.

If I had any game whatsoever, I would've at least gotten a number. But I don't. So I didn't even try.

I've been thinking some of suicide, but there's bars out here for miles

Friend 1: What are you going to do after you graduate?

Me: I don't know. Maybe I'll just off myself.

Friend 2: Why wait until then?

Friend 1: Because he wants his obituary to read right. He's got to make sure it says Dr. [Minnow].

There's someone I'd like to see, she never mentions a word to me, she reads Leviathan

I got a phone call Sunday evening:

Girl: Hi, are you busy?

Me: That depends on how you define busy. If lying on the couch, watching The Dark Knight, and playing Scrabble online is considered busy, then yeah, I'm totally swamped.

Girl: You're a dork.

Me: I know. What are you doing?

Girl: Just getting home.

Me: What are your plans for the rest of the night?

Girl: I'm going to take a nap, then get up and do some homework. Sound like fun?

Me: You could come over here and do homework. It would be nice to see you, but I have work I need to do anyway, so I wouldn't distract you too much.

Girl: I need to take a shower.

Me: I haven't showered today either. Gross, huh?

Girl: That is gross. I did shower once, I just need another one.

Me: Well, you could always come over here, we could shower, and then you could do homework.

Girl: I like how you just casually work that "we" in there.

Me: All I'm saying is that we live in a desert, and that would conserve water, so it's the responsible thing to do.


We talked for a while longer, but she didn't come over. She must hate our planet.

These postcards from tiny islands mean more than you know

I've been at this university so long, and taught so many labs, that I can rarely go to any sort of event without encountering someone who knows me. This was the case last weekend when I went to a football game.

We arrived early, so that we could get the best seats in the student section. As kickoff neared, more and more students trickled into the stadium. A couple of guys came to our row to meet up with some of their friends. I recognized one of them. He had taken a lab from me a few semesters ago. He saw me, said hi and shook my hand as he walked past.

His friend, who I had never seen before in my life, looked at me and said, "What are you doing here?"

"Uh. I just came to watch the game."

"But I thought you were on sabbatical right now."

"Sabbatical? No*."

"Weird**. Somebody told me you were on sabbatical in Fiji, doing fish research there."

"I wish***."

Sometimes it really is too bad that you don't get to live the life that others have envisioned for you.








*Grad students don't generally get to go on sabbatical.

**No, what's weird is that you're talking to me like you know me when I've never seen you before in my life.

***It occurred to me later that I should have gone along with it, motioned to the girl I was with, and said I'd brought her back with me. She's Mexican, but he might have bought it.

A date in Constantinople

Friend: We should go see a movie.

Me: Is there anything good playing? I haven't paid much attention lately. The last movie I saw was Inglorious Basterds.

Friend: That movie was awesome.

Me: Yeah, I liked it. I didn't call you when I went because it was a spur of the moment thing, so I went by myself.

Friend: I did the same thing.

Friend's Lab Mate: Last time I went to a movie by myself, some middle eastern guy kept trying to pick up on me.

Friend: Having a middle eastern man try to pick up on me would be a significant upswing in my love life. It would be a self esteem booster because I'd at least feel validated in some perverse sort of way.

Baby I'm just a fool

The other night I was having dinner with a friend. I don't remember exactly what exactly we were talking about, but rest assured it was something that would make you think we were intelligent. Like politics. Or coalescent theory.

He was saying something profound when out of the corner of my eye I saw two ladies walk in. One of them had a buzz cut. I couldn't resist, so I nodded in her direction and said, "Speaking of butch lesbians . . ."

My friend looked at me with a horrified look on his face. Not like the horrified look that he'd give if she was a gross looking woman either. This was a horrified look like I'd just said the very worst thing possible. You'd have thought I was singing praises to Hitler or something.

So I sought to defend myself. "What? It's not like she's recovering from chemo or something."

"Actually, I think that's exactly what it is."

"Seriously? My bad."

The young quarterback waits for the snap when suddenly it all starts to make sense

Sports has made me a hypocrite. Why? Because I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. You know where this is headed.

Like everyone else with the ability to discern right from wrong, I was appalled at Michael Vick's dog fighting scandal when that news broke. As more and more became known about the atrocities that he participated in, I was even more disgusted. He deserved everything he got. The prison time. The bankruptcy. Everything.

When Vick was released from prison, I knew he would play in the NFL again, and I was sure it would be this season. There's always a team that's willing to take a chance if they think it will help them win. I just didn't think it'd be "my" team. I was very surprised when I heard that he'd signed with the Eagles, and even more surprised when I heard that Donovan McNabb was the one who approached management with the idea. I figured that if he played it would be for a team with a history of signing players with baggage, like the Cowboys or the Raiders.

My initial response was shock. I couldn't believe the Eagles were taking a chance like this. Not after the Terrell Owens debacle anyway. But that only lasted a short while, and then I bought into it. I started thinking about how Vick might be able to help my team win games, and the prospect made me feel better about the upcoming season. So now I'm hoping he performs well. I have to. Either that or renounce my team, and I'm not willing to do that.

Had he signed with any other team, I'd probably still refer to him as the dog killer. Especially if it was the Cowboys. Now that he's on "my" team, I argue that he deserves a second chance. After all, I'd like to think that if I ever screwed up that I'd be able to do my time and be able to get a job doing something in the same field I was trained in (See how easy that is for me to rationalize? Not that I'd screw up as badly as he did, but still).

And that's why I'm a hypocrite. But at least I didn't take it as far as one Eagles fan who was asked about how he felt about Vick being on the team. His response was more along the lines of: Well, he didn't kill my dog.

You can find me in da club

While walking to the car last night:

Homeless Guy: Excuse me, but could you spare a couple of dollars? Some change? Even fifty cents would help.

Drunk Girl I Was With: Oh, I looooooove 50 Cent.

Homeless Guy: [Muttering something about 50 Cent]

Drunk Girl: ♪ Go, go, go, go. ♩

Homeless Guy: [still muttering]

Drunk Girl: ♫ Go shorty, it's your birthday. We gonna party like it's your birthday ♬

Homeless Guy: [walks away, shaking his head]

No one in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful, everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful

The weekend after I defended my dissertation I went mountain biking. The area is near my grandparents, so I took the long way home and visited with them. Almost as soon as I arrived, we had this conversation:

Grandpa: We heard a rumor about you that we weren't very happy with. It was about a job you've applied for.

Me: Oh. My mom must have told you that I applied for that job in the Philippines.

Grandpa: She did. And trust me, you wouldn't want to live there. You have to boil everything before you eat it. Eggs, vegetables, everything.

Me: Yeah, but it would only be for a couple of years. Besides, it's not very likely that I'll get the job anyway* because I'm sure there are a bunch of candidates I'm competing with, and I'm probably not even close to being the most qualified.

Grandma: Well, you never know. They might not have many applicants.

Grandpa: Yeah, but if you do get it, then you'll have to move.

Me: Not necessarily. I could always turn it down, but I don't think I would. If they were to offer it to me I'm pretty sure I'd go.

Grandma: It could be a good learning experience for you, but we'd sure hate to see you move that far away. We hope you find something closer. Although, maybe you could come back with a little Filipino girl. They sure are beautiful.

Me: Tell me about it.







*I never heard anything after submitting my application. Not a good sign.

Pretty as a penny, rollerskate skinny

Last week I went to the doctor for a physical. She recommended that I have some blood work done, so I made an appointment later in the week. I had to fast prior to having my blood drawn, so I was quite hungry while teaching the morning of the day I was supposed to go back.

Student: I'm so hungry.

Me: I am too, but you can't talk about food in here right now.

Student: Why not?

Me: Because I can't eat until 4:00 this afternoon.

Student: Why? Are you anorexic?

Me: Do I look anorexic?

Student: You could be just starting out.

Me: Aren't I a little old for that?

Student: It's never too late to start.

These lines were here long before we came around

This weekend I had dinner with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend*. Afterward we were driving around and I mentioned that I should have cleaned my car before picking her up. I recently washed the exterior, mainly because one of my friends drew a huge cock-n-balls on the trunk when he walked past my car in the parking lot on campus and saw how dirty it was, but I haven't cleaned and vacuumed the interior in months.

Here's a brief description so you can visualize: There are several plastic and glass bottles on the floor in the back from my most recent road trip. I throw them back there while I'm driving so that I can recycle them when I get back home, but I keep forgetting they're there, so haven't taken them out yet. There are various cards and envelopes that friends gave me when I defended my dissertation (over two weeks ago!). There's a ziplock bag containing a few slices of banana bread - my mom gave me some last week, but I didn't eat all of it (sorry Mom - I know there are starving children in Africa who would have loved to have eaten that banana bread, but I forgot it was there until it was too scary to try - it hurts me too). A biology book sits atop numerous hand-outs and worksheets that I'll be handing out to my students eventually. A pair of basketball shorts that I'd removed from my gym bag in the trunk to go hot-tubbing in, washed afterward, and then put in the back seat because I was too lazy to open the trunk and actually stick them back in the gym bag where they belong. Mr M left fingerprints all over the rear and side windows. You get the point. I drive in squalor.

Her: I left a mark on your window the other day.

Me: You did? Where? This fingerprint on the driver's side?

Her: It wasn't just a fingerprint, I drew something.

Me: Well, I don't see it on here now. What did you draw?

Her: I drew a heart. I wanted to see if you'd notice it like you noticed that dick on your trunk.


I didn't notice the heart, but I did notice the dick. What does that say about me?

Wait, don't answer that.










*Yes, we're hanging out with each other again.

It's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings

I went out with a friend for all you can eat sushi the other night. Normally he orders everything, but this time he handed me the pencil and menu and told me to do it since I was "all grown up" now. I marked down the rolls that I knew we both like, but then started reading the descriptions for the chef's specials. I read a couple that sounded good to me, and my friend agreed.

Friend: Yeah, those sound good, order one of each of those.

Me: I don't see them on the list.

Friend: Oh, they're not on there. You have to write the specials down at the bottom of the sheet.

Me: Ah, I see. But I have to say, I feel a little dirty ordering a 'man whore' followed by a 'wet dream.'

Friend: Why? Because it's a Thursday night, and you typically only go for that stuff on Fridays?

Take the ride as far as anyone can go

Well hello there. Did you miss me? Thought so. If you're curious, here's what I've been up to while I've been neglecting my blog:

- Took my kids to Slide Rock State Park in Sedona.





- Started a new job, teaching part time at a small college here in town.

- Saw Cracker play at Wasted Space at the Hard Rock. Good concert. They played for two straight hours. And that's not even counting the opening band, which was . . . one of the members of Cracker.

- Defended my dissertation. And passed. But you already knew that.

- Spent a few days biking in the mountains of Utah, and spent the evenings soaking in a hot tub on the deck of the cabin. There were some beautiful fall colors.






- Visited my grandparents.

- Had a paper accepted into a good scientific journal with minor revisions.

- Went flyfishing.

I'm not a real doctor but . . .

I did successfully defend my dissertation today, so that's something.

Not forever just for now

I'm taking a short break from blogging. I'm not sure how long, probably just a week or so, but I have way too much going on right now both personally and professionally, and I'm not dealing with any of it very well.

I'll let you know when I'm back.

It's time that we let the world know

A word of advice. If you're a female student who is meeting with your lab TA to go over some material that you're struggling with, you may want to put your cell phone on silent mode beforehand.

At least you should if your ring tone is My Dick by Mickey Avalon.

Cookin' up a Filipino box spring hog

Last Friday, while waiting for a seminar class to start, some friends asked me about my job search:

Friend 1: Have you applied for any jobs recently?

Me: I have, but haven't been successful with any of my applications so far.

Friend 1: The other day I saw a position advertised doing Indo-Pacific research.

Me: Yeah, I saw that too. You're talking about the one in the Philippines, right?

Friend 1: I think that's the one.

Me: I'm thinking about applying for that. It sounds like a cool research project, and I'd be teaching over there too, which would look good on my CV. I'm just not entirely sure I'd want to live abroad for the next three years.

Friend 2: You can't move to the Philippines. How are you going to do that when you've got kids?

Me (jokingly): It wouldn't be that big of a deal. My kids already know I hate them.

Friend 2: Well, if they don't, moving to the opposite end of the earth would certainly get the message across.

Me: At least I'd have a job. There aren't many being advertised here. Plus I could give my kids killer vacations when they came to visit.

Friend 2: But think about the cost of bringing them over there.

Me: Airfare would be expensive for sure, but once they were there I'd only have to feed them bananas and mangoes, so it'd balance out. Besides, if you think about it, I could live like a king on a post-doc's salary over there. Not only that, but I'd also be surrounded by Filipino girls. It'd be just like Heaven.

Friend 2: Except all the girls over there probably get married by the time they're eighteen, so you'd still be out of luck.

Me: Not if I started dating seventeen year olds.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


I happened to mention that I was thinking about applying for this position to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend the other day too.

Her response?

"Oh, wow. If you got a job there I'd move with you."

My response to that?

"Shut up. You would not."

My sweet baby, I need fresh blood

Maybe* I'm twisted, but any music video that includes a beautiful woman, a creepy stalker guy, and men in luchadore masks is okay in my book.








*There's no maybe about it.

And it's hard to tell what it is and what it's not

Student: So is this quiz going to be multiple choice?

Me: No.

Student: So we have to, like, guess what the answer is?

Me: Or, you could just know the answer.

And you seem like someone who could appreciate the fact that I'm no ordinary man

Yesterday was my friend's birthday. To celebrate, he and his girlfriend rented a room at a four star resort, and reserved a cabana by the pool for the day. There are certainly worse ways to spend an afternoon. Hiding in the jungle from rival drug lords comes to mind. Luckily for us, we had no rival drug lords looking for us yesterday. A good thing too, because there are no jungles nearby in which we could've hidden.

Anyway, after spending most of the day at the pool, we went back to their room to change for dinner, had a fantastic meal, then hung out briefly in the courtyard. However, it was late, and I knew I had to be up early for work, so I went back to the room to gather up my things.

When I walked back with my bag, one of my other friends who had been a late arrival thought I'd stayed the night at the resort too.

Friend 1: Wait. Did you guys have a sleepover here last night?

Me: Well, there's only one bed in the room, and I'm not that close with [Friend] and [His Girlfriend].

Friend's Girlfriend: What are you saying? That I'm unavailable? That's just because I work so much.

Me: I was thinking more along the lines of being emotionally unavailable. You know, the whole [Friend] thing.

Friend 1: That, and I don't think you're really her type.

Me: I don't really think I'm anybody's "type", but I'm okay with that.

Friend 1: No, see, that's the wrong attitude to have. You need to be more like, "Oh, I'm her type, she just doesn't realize it yet."

Party with the animals, party, no dogs allowed no more

Last night I went with some friends to the box office at the Hard Rock so they could pick up tickets for a concert we're going to next week.

When we got there, Ozzy Osborne and Dave Navarro were hosting a private party for the release of the new Guitar Hero.

Bastards didn't even invite me.

I am soooo deleting both of their numbers from my phone.

You say a lot of funny things my little bunny, and I almost always laugh, but that's not really funny

I heard this while eating lunch yesterday:

Girl: I don't really get why everyone thought Seinfeld was so funny.

Guy: That's because it's dry humor. No offense, but usually only intelligent people get that.

Girl: Oh. Okay.

Livin' it up 'til I hit the ground

Just before I was supposed to start teaching this morning I realized I hadn't brought a pen with me. I didn't have time to walk back to my office to get one, so opted for grabbing one from my lab bench since it's just upstairs from the lab where I teach. I took the elevator, and halfway between floors it sort of jolted, and a buzzer came on for a short moment. Luckily, it started right back up and opened at the next floor.

There were two other guys in the elevator with me. One of them looked at me and said, "That's a relief."

I answered, "Yeah. No offense, but if I'm going to get stuck in an elevator, it needs to be with two hot chicks. Not two dudes."

Let me see you stripped down to the bone

I encountered some former students at lunch today. They invited me to come sit down with them. In the process of catching up with them I asked one about her dental school applications.

Her: I only applied to five schools, but I should be able to get into one of them.

Me: I'm sure you will. You're smart enough. You should be fine.

Her: I'd better get in. I don't really have a back up plan, so if I don't get accepted I'll have to start stripping somewhere.

Me: Well, if that ends up happening let me know. I'll come buy a dance from you.

Her Friend: Maybe you could just tuck some dollar bills into her g-string.

Me: Either way works for me.

Her mouth was sewn shut but her eyes were still wide

I texted my friend to let her know that she and another friend of ours were both pictured on a web site we all frequent.

Her: It's because the world revolves around you or [site] isn't really that popular.

Me: Must be the first.

Her: Ah yes, as a biologist you would opt for the God complex choice.

Me: Careful or I'll snuff you out =)

Her: Are you aware you just threatened to rape and kill me?

Me: Yeah, but the smiley face makes it okay.

Her: Not everything [Professor] does to you is legal!

Me: [no response]

Her: The silence means I won, right?

Me: I'm just plotting.

Her: I'm not sure if I should be terrified or amused.

Me: How about both?

Her: How about bored? Put up or shut up!

I used to want it all

I saw '500 Days of Summer' this week. As I stood in line for tickets with the girl I went with, I saw the movie poster for 'Inglourious Basterds' which was opening later in the week.

Me: Ooh. I want to see that this weekend.

Girl: No. I won't go see that with you.

Me: I wasn't asking.

Everyone wants to be a perpetual motion machine

Today, while driving across town with my friend:

Him: I would've run that light if that girl hadn't been standing at the corner ready to cross.

Me: She is cute. You made the right choice.

He drove through the next yellow light.

Me: So, you didn't want to stop to see the guy with the mullet wearing a tank top cross in front of us?

Him: I didn't see the guy with the mullet.

Me: But if you had, you totally would've stopped, right?

The hunger of addiction calls

A few things you should never do for a Klondike bar:

- Get "Klondike" tattooed across your face.

- Punch a toddler and steal his/hers.

- Sell one of your kidneys on the black market.

- Mug a clown.

- Steal from the collection plate at church.

- Short your pimp.

- Your grandmother.

I'll go stumbling home to sleep alone but it's alright, yeah it's alright

I convinced a friend of mine to go to yoga with me over the weekend. After our session he and I went to grab a bite to eat and had the following conversation over dinner.

Him: Did you see they were having a pot-luck?

Me: No. Too bad we didn't know that earlier. We could've gone.

Him: It's not today. They're having it to celebrate the anniversary of the yoga studio. I forgot the date already, but it's sometime in the next few weekends. I'll go with you if you want.

Me: We should go. It could be a good way for me to meet some of those hot girls that are always there. Maybe find out which of them have boyfriends and which don't.

Him: Why? So you'll know which ones you can stare at and do nothing about?

Me: Exactly.

I like it for fashion because the rock loves dysfunction

Last week I took my kids shopping for school clothes before they moved. Togers spent the day helping his mom load the moving van, so I started shopping with Tortellini and Mr M with the plan that she'd drop Togers off at a certain store. We finished there before she got there, so we went to a few nearby stores while we waited, including the one where Mr M picked out his new SpongeBob Boxers.

Later, when we were completely done shopping and were driving to meet their mom I realized that I'd forgotten to get new underwear for Togers.

Me: Oh no! I meant to get you some underwear, but I thought I should wait because I didn't know what kind you prefer.

Togers: Boxer briefs.

Tortellini: Actually, Dad, he goes commando.

Me: [Tortellini]! That is your brother's junk you're talking about.

Tortellini: EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!

Me: What? You're the one that brought it up.

Tortellini: Well you're the one that had to go and make me visualize it.

Maybe they're not going to miss me that much after all.

A unified theory of everything

I watched the documentary 'Jeff Tweedy: Sunken Treasure' and found out that he and I have a lot in common. Well, maybe not a lot in common, but his description about what it'd be like to be married to him is a lot like what it'd be like to be married to me, minus the guitar playing part.

So, if you want to know what it'd be like to be married to me, you should listen to the banter at the beginning of this clip, even if you don't want to listen to the entire song (but you should listen to that too, it's good).

You've been hit by a smooth criminal

Tortellini recorded this on the morning my kids left town:




Mr M really wanted me to buy him that hat while we were out shopping for school clothes.

"Dad, how much money do you got?"

"Dad, how much is this hat?"

"Dad, are you bankrupt?"

"Dad, do I look like Michael Jackson in this hat?"

Tortellini and I decided that it was so cute that I had to get it for him. He wore it for two straight days, and showed everyone his "Michael Jackson Face".

My roommate came downstairs the other morning and Mr M had the hat on.

Roommate: Hello Michael.

Mr M: My name isn't Michael.

Me: He was just saying that because you look so much like Michael Jackson that it's hard to tell the two of you apart.

Mr M: I don't look like Michael Jackson. I don't have really, really, really white skin.

Look out Mom, here come the swells

I had to say goodbye to my kids today. Again. My ex-wife got a job offer and a place to live in Arizona, and felt like she had to take it.

I understand, but it still sucks.

My kids seem to be handling it better than I am though. At least judging by this excerpt from a conversation I had with them last night:

Me: I'm really sad that you guys are moving away from here.

Mr M: Are you going to cry?

Me: Maybe*.

Mr M: Then you're a crybaby!









*Of course I cried**.

**I'm a crybaby.

The test begins NOW

In part because I was feeling lazy and didn't want to have to think of another question to put on my students' final exam, and in part because I wanted to be nice and give them a freebie, the final question on their final (see what I just did there?) was this:

What is the answer to this question?
A) A is not the answer. Do not put A.
B) B is the answer. Put B.
C) C is not the answer. B is.
D) D is not the answer either. Seriously, put B.
E) Why are you even still reading this? Put B already.

Three people missed it.

I officially give up.

I was just plain bound to forget

In case you needed more evidence that I am losing my mind, take this phone conversation that took place prior to the viewing and funeral for my friend's mom for example.

Flieswithoutwings: Where's the church? Is it the same one [Friends'] wedding reception was in?

Me: I'm not sure. Was I even at their wedding?


Turns out that not only was I there, I was his best man*. Who knew?










*Well, one of two. Flieswithoutwings was the other.

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

Last week, one of my best friends lost his mother. Her funeral was on Saturday. I debated long and hard about whether I was too busy to go, then realized that it shouldn't matter how busy I am, some things have to be more important than anything else. Close friends fall into that category, so I went. I'm glad I did.

A few observations from the weekend:

- The good ones always seem to leave us too early.

- Cancer is a bitch.

- There is absolutely nothing you can say to console someone who has just lost their mother.

- Ditto for someone who has just lost the love of their life.

- My way of dealing with grief is to try and laugh it off (sometimes it works, sometimes it makes me look like a jerk).

- It's good to see old friends, even if it is at a funeral.

Rape me my friend

Hotel Clerk (after checking us in and charging about one and a half times what the room should have cost): Is there anything else I can do for you?

My Brother: Could you give us the number for the rape hotline? Because we just got screwed.

I know I just want to thank you for thinking of me

Me: Should I have sent those guys an email thanking them for the interview?

Friend (who works for the guys who interviewed me last week): No. We don't know what to do with politeness!

Me: Ok. Good. I've always felt that was a douchebag move but a few people have told me I should.

Friend: Those people are d-bags.

Funky boss get off my back

There was a ceremony at Mr M's school because tomorrow is his last day of kindergarten. During the program each of the students stood up and said what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Most of them said they wanted to be teachers, doctors, etc.

Mr M stood up and simply said, "My name is [Mr M] and when I grow up I want to be The Boss*."








*I wonder if that means The Boss of the lemonade stand.

--------------------UPDATE--------------------

He did mean of the lemonade stand:

I know it seems like I don't care but something in me does I swear

While lecturing today, one of my students knocked an entire pile of books onto the floor. It was a distraction, but I didn't think much of it. Then another student did the same thing about ten minutes later.

When it happened the second time I stopped lecturing and said, "Am I really that boring today? Everybody seems to be falling asleep and knocking things over."

The first student approached me after class and said, "It's not that you're boring, it's just that I'm narcoleptic and they've just changed my medication again."

Fabulous. Another instance in which I've unwittingly mocked someone for a condition they have no control over.

Beaten six ways to Sunday

Local H - What would you have me do?
Can you just go home defeated
Take your pride and eat it
Crawl back beaten
Sources are depleted
Can you take the final hit and admit that you were wrong?

Don't even call it even
Bleedin' is believin'
Former well bein'
We're closing for the season
Can you take the final hit and admit that you don't belong?

Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Wait'll you see what we've planned for you
And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange and kinda strange when clichés are true
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?
What would you have me do?

Can you just go home hated
Half intoxicated
Hopelessly outdated
And not appreciated
Can you take the final blow and know that you fucked up?

Go state the overstated
Keep it complicated
The overeducated
That hope you'll never make it
Can you take the final blow and know they won't be shutting up?

We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Wait'll you see what we've planned for you
And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange but kinda strange when clichés are true
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?

Baby's out of town
But I see the light on
What are you up to now?
Headin' for the gun I can see rock bottom
No one will help you now
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Everything has been cut and dried for you

And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange but kinda strange when clichés are true
Yeah
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?

What would you have me do?
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
We're beaten six ways to Sunday

Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line too
Alright
We don't need nothing but cyanide
Pulled our teeth won't be identified
What would you have me do?

You got it
Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line too
(you got it)
Alright
We don't need nothing (you got it) but cyanide
Pulled our teeth (you got it) won't be identified
What would you (you got it) have me do?

You got it
Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve (you got it)
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat (you got it)
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line (you got it) too
(You got it)
Alright
We don't need nothing (you got it) but cyanide
Pulled our teeth (you got it) won't be identified
What would you have (you got it) me do?
(you got it)

[Repeated several more times]

Got a job at the crumb factory, it's my number one job

First thing this morning I got a phone call from my ex-wife. She wanted me to talk to Mr M because he wouldn't get ready for school.

Me: What's wrong?

Mr M: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Why not?

Mr M: Because I don't LIKE school.

Me: Well, you still have to go. You only have about another week, and then you're done with Kindergarten*. Do you want me to take you today?

Mr M: I don't know. I don't want to go.

Me: Let me be clear. You're going to school. Now do you want me to take you, or do you want your mom to take you?

Mr M: Mom, I guess.

Then my ex-wife got back on the phone. I told her to tell him that everybody has to do things they don't want to do sometimes, and that there are a lot of days when I don't want to go to work either, but I do anyway.

His response to that?

"Well, when I get older I'm not gonna have to go because I'll be a lemonade worker, and if I don't want to I won't have to go to my lemonade stand."

If that's the case, maybe I'll go be a lemonade worker too.

Mr M's got it all figured out.










*He has year round school. It sucks.

Mr. Me

I was riding with my friend the other day when he adjusted the vents on the a/c so that they were no longer blowing directly at me.

Me: Uh, no. You don't get to do that, Mister.

Him: Don't you Mister me.

Me: I'll Mister you all I want, Mister.

Nope, that doesn't sound gay at all.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas a giant nuclear furnace

Tortellini's interpretation* of why it never rains here in Vegas:



I think she's onto something.









*I need to get that girl some real software so she can start designing shirts on threadless. Perhaps she could pay for college that way.

I'm employee of the month number one crumb making son of a gun

How to botch a job interview in 32 easy steps:

1. Schedule your interview for the hottest part of the day (this is crucial for reasons that will be apparent later).

2. Be under the impression that your job interview is exactly one week before the actual interview is scheduled to take place.

3. Realize that the letter you received says you're actually scheduled for the following week. But don't realize this until exactly 5:00 p.m. on the day before you think you have to go, so that it's too late to call and find out for sure.

4. Call anyway and leave a message saying that you were confused about the date.

5. Talk to them the next morning to find out that you don't go in that day, but rather one week from then.

6. Hope that the fact that you're too retarded to even get the day right isn't enough to make them not want to hire you.

7. On the real day of the interview, bring a change of clothes with you to work because you don't want to be wearing long pants and a long sleeved shirt all day when it's 112 degrees outside.

8. Change into the pants just before leaving the office to go to the interview, but leave the other shirt on so that your "interview shirt" doesn't get sweaty on the drive over.

9. Make sure that the last thing you do before leaving the office to drive across town is go take a leak.

10. Notice some whiteheads on your chin while urinating, and pop them. This ensures that they will leak that kind of clear, kind of bloody zit fluid for the entire drive out to the interview.

11. Fail to realize that you've got split stream whilst peeing with no hands (because you're too busy popping zits to pay attention).

12. Allow the split stream to hit your shirt tail.

13. Rinse the shirt tail off in the sink, and hope the urine smell doesn't stay with you.

14. Get in the car and burn your arm on the seatbelt buckle. Repeat until you've got a minimum of three burn marks on your arm.

15. Drive across town in a car that is at least 150 degrees inside, and the a/c can't bring the temperature down enough so that you're not sweating for a half hour straight.

16. Make sure that you do not cut your hair before the job interview, so that you sweat even more than you normally would while driving across town in a car that's way too friggin' hot.

17. Arrive early enough that you can justify a stop at 7-11 to get a drink since you've been sweating profusely for thirty minutes or so.

18. Drink the entire bottle of water before going into the building where you're being interviewed.

19. Sit in the parking lot and change into the shirt that you didn't actually pee all over.

20. Make sure to perform the last step just as a bunch of people come out of the building so that you look like a classy guy sitting shirtless in a car in the parking lot.

21. Once you've changed shirts, realize that you forgot to bring a belt, and that your pants are baggy, so you can't tuck your shirt in.

22. Enter the building looking extra classy. It's okay. You're kind of in the ghetto anyway, so they're probably used to it.

23. Make sure you're early enough that you have to sit in the hall for half an hour.

24. Make eye contact with one of the guys who is going to be interviewing you, so that he feels obligated to come introduce himself.

25. Sit there looking like an asshole while that same guy walks by you another three or four times before calling you into the interview room.

26. Stumble and stammer around the second question they ask you. Fail to give them the most obvious answer - The one that should've been first on your mind, and probably the one they were looking for.

27. Regret drinking the entire bottle of water before the interview, because you're only a few minutes in and you really have to pee.

28. Fail to give a satisfactory answer to at least two more questions, and maybe even more than that.

29. Come across as arrogant and cocky when they ask what makes you ideal for the job.

30. Leave all three interviewers with the impression that your long term career goals include trying to take over their position.

31. Go back to the office and second guess every answer you gave.

32. Try to figure out what other jobs you can apply for because you're obviously not getting this one.

Nothing here matters the spiders get fatter

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves.


The Lab
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Animal part, cuz I like to cut
- The pig dissection because I thought I never would cut up a pig, but I did it anyway

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Grasshopper - smelly
- The field trip because I'm lazy and don't like to hike
- Earthworm dissection. 50% ethanol + water + Annelid = semi crul death to worm


The Lab Instructor
Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered
- You know a lot. Go you!
- A for all-knowing!

What were his/her strong points?
- His demonstration of the root tip model

How could he/she improve?
- Don't be a plant expert. Fish is cooler. <')}}}>< *
- Get a pig dissection shirt
- If he went back to church
- Listen to better music
- Tell funnier jokes
- Lose the earring you pirate!







*That was my lame attempt to re-create the fish drawing that accompanied the comment.

Left alone in a dark room with a mouth full of prescription

An online exchange with SilentKid about how well I'm coping with all the uncertainty in my life:

Me: Could you just go ahead and kill me now? Thanks. I appreciate it.

SilentKid: I'll be there soon. Get prepared.

Me: I'm shaving my scrotum as I type this. Wait, that's not what you meant? I have nothing of value, so it's not worth the effort to put together a last will and testament.

It's a new generation telling it the way they feel

I logged into facebook a couple of days ago and saw this as Togers' status update:

"This one time, I beat up a hooker, she was bleeding everywhere. One Shamwow, cleaned up the whole mess. Ring it out, you could do it again"

It shows how up to date Togers is on not so current events.

It may be my proudest moment as a father.

Fuel burning fast on an empty tank

Last time I filled my car with gas, the pump didn't shut off automatically and I ended up overfilling my tank. There was a small puddle underneath my car that reminded me of a story from when I was an undergraduate and spent my Saturdays working at a gas station.

One particular Saturday, my boss' son was having a bad day. It had been one customer after another complaining about this or that. He was a little frazzled. Then one woman came in demanding that we refund her for a gallon of gas. The pump hadn't shut off, and "at least a gallon" had spilled all over the bay.

Normally, he would've just reached in the register and handed her the two dollars. Instead, he said, "Let's go out and have a look."

There was a small puddle of gas, but it was maybe $0.25 worth at the most. He told her that, but she kept insisting that it was much more.

Finally he snapped. He said, "Look Lady, you want to see what a gallon of gas looks like? THIS is what a gallon of gas looks like!"

He then proceeded to pump an entire gallon onto the concrete.

It's probably my favorite* gas station story ever.









*Narrowly edging out the time that I called a customer a butthole, he tried to get me fired for "cursing" at him, then my boss called him worse.

You don't even know what it means to take your own advice

Today one of my friends called to tell me that she was breaking up with her boyfriend. It'd been a while since we last talked, so after she'd told me all about it, she asked me about any updates regarding Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend.

Me: I took her out to dinner last weekend, and we had a really good talk. She's called me every day since then, and she wants to do something tomorrow night. She's also asked me to have lunch with her tomorrow and the day after. Of course I said yes to all of those things, but I'm not sure I should have.

Her: Oh stop it. Just go out tomorrow night and have fun with her. Do you want my advice?

Me: Sure.

Her: I think you should invite her to spend the night at your place, wait until she falls asleep, and then rape her.



I think it's time to stop taking advice from my friends.

If Jesus drove a motorhome

Friday night I took Tortellini out with me and a few of my friends. We were walking on the Strip when a mini-van did a u-turn right next to us. The guy in the passenger seat had long brown hair and a beard.

Me: Did you see that? I think that was Jesus riding shotgun.

Friend 1: Jesus doesn't ride shotgun. Jesus is in the driver's seat.

Friend 2: Uh, I don't think so. I think God is in the driver's seat and Jesus is riding shotgun.

Me: Actually, I'd be willing to bet that both Jesus and God have mastered the whole teleportation thing.

Friend 1: I don't know about that. It didn't really help Him escape the whole crucifixion thing.


So when my friends and I die and spend the rest of eternity in Hell, at least you'll all know why.

So you say I've got a dirty mind I'm a mean go getter

I don't know at what age seeing stuff like this stops being funny.



I do know that I haven't reached that age yet though.