Drink, drink this town is so great, drink, drink 'cause it's never too late

Since I'm probably one of the only people in the world who doesn't drink yet still frequents bars, a lot of people ask why I don't drink. That's understandable, but I've decided that I'm going to start making up reasons that'll make the person who's asking feel uncomfortable. (Similar to The Joker explaining how he got the scars on his face in The Dark Knight.)

Here are the ones I've come up with so far:

- I'm a recovering meth addict, and alchol was my companion drug, so I can't get drunk without wanting to get high.

- I haven't touched alcohol since my dad came home drunk and blasted my mom with a twelve gauge shotgun.

- The last time I got drunk was when the Priest took me into his chambers and plied me with a bottle of wine, and I don't remember anything that happened between then and the next morning when I woke up with a sore butt.

- I learned my lesson after I was driving drunk one day and t-boned a van full of pre-school kids who were on their way to the dinosaur museum, killing all but one of them in a fiery explosion and leaving the lone survivor horribly disfigured from the third degree burns that covered 80% of his body.


So, take a vote, or offer up a new explanation of your own. Whichever gets the most votes will be the reason I give the next time I get asked the question.

I've been roamin' around always lookin' down on all I see

Somebody recently forwarded me an Amber Alert email for a girl who'd gone missing from somewhere in the mid-west. I didn't pass it on. Does anybody read those anyway? Would you actually remember the face of someone you saw there? Of all the missing kids' pictures that you see, do you really expect to be able to pick one of those faces out of a crowd should you encounter them? Same goes for missing people on milk containers. There are so many of them these days that I don't even look at them anymore. Isn't that something that might have been effective when they first started doing it, but has sort of lost it's ability to do what it's intended to do? Or am I just a dick?

A boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk

Friday night I went with some friends to a gay bar.

It was my first time being in such an establishment.

I made it through the night without anyone hitting on me.

I don't know whether I should be relieved, or if I should feel rejected.

A broke back wreck with a ball and chain

A girl I know recently had to speak at a wedding for which she was the maid of honor. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to say the night before the wedding, and asked me for some tips. I gave her a few, and have decided to list them here as well. You know, in case any of you know someone who is preparing to tie the knot.

- You probably shouldn't bring up the long string of ex-girlfriends that have been left behind by the groom, or the many ex-boyfriends the bride's had.

- It's not proper to talk about how you never thought the bride would get married because of how psychotic she acts.

- Don't mention the fact that you saw the bride leaving a pay-by-the-hour motel room with the best man last week.

- Wedding guests don't need to hear about the time when the bride had a judge issue a restraining order for the groom's father.

- The groom's hatred for the bride's mother should remain unspoken on this day.

- Avoid bringing up the time when the bride/groom hit on you at a holiday party.

- No mention of the groom's methamphetamine addiction should be made. Nor that of his fondness for prostitutes.

- Under absolutely no circumstances will a joke about STDs be successful.

- If you see the groom's other wife and children in the audience, don't single them out. They didn't come to be embarrassed.



You're welcome!

Now and then you give me the feelin' I'm not a man I'm a magazine

The year 2008 was a good one for music. Not only were a lot of good albums released, I was also introduced to a whole bunch of new bands, both ones that were new, and those who have been around for a while but I'd never listened to. My itunes library has tripled since last New Year's Day, so my list of favorite albums for 2008 probably isn't as well thought out as it should be.

There have been plenty of acclaimed albums released in 2008 that won't be on my list because I haven't given them enough listening time (e.g., Shearwater - Rooks; Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight). There are good albums from some of my favorite older bands that won't make it because I simply liked the others more for whatever reason (e.g., Ben Folds - Way To Normal; Radiohead - In Rainbows; Nine Inch Nails - The Slip; Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - Real Emotional Trash; The Dandy Warhols - Earth To The Dandy Warhols). Then there are the ones that are good, but there just wasn't enough room to include them on a top ten list (e.g., Blitzen Trapper - Furr; Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds And A Sound; The Weepies - Hideaway).

Without further ado, here's the list.

Native Minnow's Top Albums of 2008
10. Spiritualized - Songs in A & E
9. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
8. Gus Black - Today is not the Day . . .
7. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
6. Jim White - Transnormal Skiparoo
5. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
4. The Broken West - Now or Heaven
3. Old 97's - Blame it on Gravity
2. Kings of Leon - Only by the Night
1. Nada Surf - Lucky



I've also posted a New Year's present for those who are interested. It's a free download of some of my favorite songs from 2008. Enjoy!

Like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry*

Here are a few of my favorite sports quotes from 2008:

"Man, I'm so hyped right now. Anything's possible. Anything's pooooosssssssiiiiiiibbbbbblllllleeeeeee!!!!" Boston Celtics PF Kevin Garnett in an interview right after winning the NBA championship.

"Michelle, you look good tonight, girl. You look good." Kevin Garnett seconds later in that same interview, hitting on the interviewer.

"Some guys don't like to play, some guys do. Some treat it like a job. You've got to wonder how many guys play basketball because they're tall." Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan responding to questions about what's keeping one of his young players from performing well on a regular basis.

"I'm happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. And I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery doing some pre-game trash talk that would later get him cut from the team.

"I wake up tomorrow and I keep living." Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo answering a question about how he deals with tough losses such as the season ending blowout administered by the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday.

"Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I'm having fun." Cincinatti Bengals WR Chad 'Ocho Cinco' responding to questions about why he had his last name legally changed from Johnson to Ocho Cinco.

"We know the difference between a 47 year old black male and a young black female." Police Chief David Hall disputing hall of famer Isiah Thomas' claim that police had it wrong when they said he had overdosed on sleeping pills and that it was actually his teenage daughter who had been hospitalized.

"If you really want to pound it in, you need some extra beef in the backfield." - NFL announcer that I don't know, but it could very easily have been any of them.






*This Postal Service lyric illustrates why musicians should stick to singing about things they know** about since a goalie would only be guarding the net during the third period of a hockey game, or the second half of a soccer match. I'm just sayin'.

**Unless, of course they're singing about water polo or lacrosse, in which case forget I said a thing.

You're gonna find you'll find yourself alone

So, it turned out that the girl I could've been "guaranteed to make out with" was, in fact, PTSD girl.

How do I know you ask? Because one of her friends asked me if I was going to hook up with her.

Me: No.

Girl: Why not?

Me: Just because.

Girl: You should. I hear she's a really good kisser.

Me: I'm going to have to go ahead and take your word on that.

Girl: I think you two should hook up.

Me: It's not going to happen.

What I wanted to say: "Have you seen me? I can do way better than that!

I recounted that conversation to a couple of girls who were there the night we met those girls, and told them what I wish I had the sack to say.

They claimed that she wasn't all that ugly.

I maintained that she was.

We argued about it for a while, and they eventually asked me what I'd rate her on a scale of one to ten.

I said about a three.

They said she was at least a five or a six.

I vehemently disagreed, and then started showing them pictures of other girls I know so they could rate them. It seemed to me that they would rank many of the girls who I think are cute a point or two lower than I would, and they'd rate the girls I thought were ugly a point or two higher than I would.

Then we shifted things into a higher gear.

Girl: Alright, give me an example of an actress you'd rate as a ten.

Me: Charlize Theron.

Girl: Ok. I'll give you that one. Who else?

Me: Alyssa Milano.

Girl: Really? I don't know if I'd rate her that high.

Me: Well, I've been in love with her since 'Who's The Boss?' so maybe my ranking is a little higher than most people's would be.

Girl: Yeah, probably. Who else?

Me: I'm going to say Jessica Alba.

Girl: Jessica Alba is not a ten.

Me: I'm not saying she can act, because she can't, but she is hot. You have to admit that.

Girl: I don't think so. I'd put her at about an eight.

Me: You just showed a flaw in your rating system. If Jessica Alba is only an eight, there's no way that PTSD girl is a fucking six.

Girl: Ok. You've got a point.

So, to drag this story out even further, I was telling all of this to one of my sisters on the phone. She was laughing pretty hard. So then, thanks to facebook, I was able to steal a picture of PTSD girl and show it to my sister.

She agreed with me.

In fact, she went so far as to say that PTSD girl looked kind of like Shrek, and that maybe I should start calling her Fiona instead of PTSD girl.

So, on a scale of one to ten. What would you rank Fiona?

I'm sorry my girl but you'll never make a wife

Me: That girl just asked me if I'd have a beer with her if she could guarantee that I could make out with one of her friends later.

Friend 1: Well, there's only one of her friends that'd be worth making out with. What did you tell her?

Me: What do you think I said? Of course I said no.

Friend 1: Well, the odds definitely aren't in your favor. That'd be like playing Russian roulette.


-------------------------------THE NEXT DAY-------------------------------


Me: I told [Friend 1] about it last night, and he said it'd be like playing Russian roulette.

Friend 2: Well, he's right.

Me: I know. Especially with that ugly friend of hers.

Friend 2: Ugly? That's an understatement. I think I have PTSD.

Coat check I couldn't remember

Girl: Is that a new coat?

Me: It is.

Girl: I like it.

Me: Thanks. I didn't wear it for about a week after I bought it because I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it.

Girl: Really?

Me: Yeah. I showed it to five or six people before I took the tags off because I was afraid it might be too douchebaggy.

Girl: It's not. It's just the right level of douchebagginess for you.

Me: Um. Thanks?

Can't you see it's not me you're dying for

I recently went to the Happiest Place On Earth. Inside there was a sign listing their Christmas Day specials. I took a picture so I could post it here, but unfortunately it didn't turn out because it was too dark and the camera on my phone sucks. Instead, you'll just have to settle for the words, without the added artsiness of marker on posterboard.

The Double Down Saloon
Join us for:
Free Haircuts
Free Spaghettios
50¢ Abortions

Christmas Day 11 am - 5 pm


If that's not a random list, I don't know what is.

I'm not gonna get you a diamond ring, that sort of gift don't mean anything

Girl: Merry Christmas!!

Me: Thanks. You too. Did you get a dick in a box?

Girl: No Santa didn't get me one :(

Me: Boo. I heard that's what all the girls wanted this year.

Girl: Yeah, I must've been on the naughty list

Me: Or not naughty enough. I'd offer mine, but wouldn't want to cockblock everyone else who's dying to be your first*

Girl: Hahahaha yeah





*I don't count myself in that category. I subscribe to the view of Vincent Chase in Entourage: I don't want to be anyone's first, and I don't want to be anyone's last.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

She's arching her back she screams for more

It's been a while since I last shared any of my music with any of you. I meant to post this mix a long time ago, but apparently I never got around to actually doing it. Better late than never though, right? It's a mix I put together for an ex-girlfriend who'd moved to Germany, hence the title: Since She Went Away (click to download).

It's dated, but remains one of my favorites*.

Track Titles/Artist Names
Magheeta - My Morning Jacket
Me vs. Maradonna vs. Elvis - Brand New
Rapture - Pedro the Lion
Consequence Free - Great Big Sea
The Guitar Man - Cake
Static on the Radio - Jim White
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
That's Me Trying - William Shatner
Easy - Faith No More
Hey Pretty (Remix) - Poe
Bend and Break - Keane
Rue the Day - The Walkmen
Gravity Rides Everything - Modest Mouse
Sweet Jane - Cowboy Junkies
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2


Enjoy!







*All except for one song which I'm embarrassed to have on there. I skip it every time I play this cd now. I'll let you try to guess which one it is.

Some things that you might like to see but they're all addressed to me

I just got an email from a friend who got his master's degree with me regarding the Christmas card I sent him.

Dude,

We got an envelope in the mail from you today. But that's all it was, just an envelope. Nothing inside. I'll say, that's a pretty inexpensive way to let people know you're thinking about them, no expensive cards, just an envelope. We're thinking we may try that next year.

How are things? What's the forecast for you leaving Las Vegas?

We hope things are going well for you. Thanks for the Christmas envelope. I told [Wife], "At least he used a Christmas stamp!"

Have a Merry Christmas, [Minnow]!

Great. Now I wonder how many other "Christmas envelopes" I sent out.

The ghost of my dance instructor pushed me down into an open grave

We're all going to die someday. It's good to let people know what your wishes are for your funeral, burial, etc. So, depending on what the circumstances of my death are, here are some potential things for my family to put on my headstone.

- What are you staring at?

- The badger won.

- I will haunt every last one of you.

- He died like he lived - on fire.

- The ground needed to be fed.

- It's getting hard to breathe down here.

- Attention graverobbers: No treasure buried in this coffin.

- His heart exploded from doing too much coke.

- Lived a life worthy of The Jerry Springer Show.

- I shaved my balls for this?

- I'm just sayin'. I'm dead.

Even though you know what you know I know that I'm ready to leave

From: [Fall '08 Student]
To: [Native Minnow]
Subject: I passed

Hey [Minnow] just wanted to let you know that you will not be seeing me in
[class] again next semester because I passed. Be it only with a C but I
passed. Guess I didn't need to buy you dinner after all. :)

[Fall '08 Student]

--------------------------------------------------------------

From: [Native Minnow]
To: [Fall '08 Student]
Subject: Re: I passed

I knew you'd pull it off. Congrats!

[Minnow]

--------------------------------------------------------------

From: [Fall '08 Student]
To: [Native Minnow]
Subject: Re: I passed

Thanks [Minnow]....... and you really were the best TA I have had in my 3 years [here] and the cutest :) even though I loved to give you a hard time during class. :)

[Fall '08 Student]








Yup. I've still got it.

You're older than you've ever been, and now you're even older, and now you're older still

Post Office Clerk: How far away is [Town Where My Parents Live]?

Me: Oh, about four hours.

Post Office Clerk: Four hours? Why are you even sending these gifts? Just drive them up there. That way you get to see your family too.

Me: That's what I should do, but I just don't think it's going to happen this year.

Post Office Clerk: Why not?

Me: A number of reasons. Time contraints. Money. Also, my daughter doesn't want to leave because her boyfriend is coming to town for a visit and she feels like she needs to see him while he's here.

Post Office Clerk: Man, you don't look old enough to have a daughter with a boyfriend.

Me: I'm not.

Ain't nobody gonna give nobody what they really need anyway

Me: You know, I'm not saying that [Girl]'s not a special lady. I'm just saying you have to be careful that you're not setting the bar too high this Christmas by giving her that much.

Friend: I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend. You know, [Minnow], you gotta keep the bitches happy.

I'm your Testarossa, first gear, watch me go, keep 'em in fear

Driving Togers to school this morning we started joking around about what he wanted for Christmas. I told him all he was getting was a pack of gum. Cheapest. Christmas. Ever. I then joked about how some kid in his class would get a plasma tv for his room, complete with surround sound, all three video game consoles, and a Ferrari, even though they're only twelve. Then he could say, "Oh yeah? Well check out this pack of gum! It's spearmint!"

Togers then told me that there is a kid in his class who has a Ferrari, and it's his own, not his parents'.

Did I mention that they're only twelve?

I've failed as a parent.

The last thing I told him when he got out of the car: "Have a good day. Go make friends with [Ferrari Kid]."

Santa's sweaty and he smells like beer

I've got nothing. So once again I'm going to resort to potty humor. Here's my list of inappropriate Christmas songs:

I Saw Mommy Humping Santa Claus

Jingle Ball Rock

Frosty the Crackhead

I'm Dreaming Of A White Hooker

Angels We Have Heard Are High (on meth)

Rudolf the Racist Reindeer

Silver Balls

I Came Upon A Midnight Clear

That's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning

There are worse ways to spend a Sunday than this:

I'll pay for you anytime

What did you do last night?

Like eating glass

Friend (who had been waiting curbside while I dropped a package off at the UPS store): What took you so long?

Me: It was crazy in there.

Friend: It didn't look like there were that many people.

Me: Well, let's see. First there was the lady who wanted to ship a bunch of gift bags, but couldn't understand that they needed to be packaged into a box first. The lady spent five minutes showing her how to do it, explaining that she'd have to take it out of the store to package it, weighing it to get an estimate on the cost only to have the lady say, "I'll need to check with my sister first to see what she wants to do. She's the one that's paying for it."

Me: Then there was the lady who wanted to insure her package through priority mail, but didn't realize that it's not a post office, so they can't insure it unless you send it through UPS. She ended up shipping it via UPS, but it took her forever to make up her mind.

Me: Then there was the guy who didn't speak any English. He kept trying to talk to the clerks in Spanish, but neither of them spoke it. They were trying to tell him that the person who spoke Spanish would be back in thirty minutes, but he didn't understand them, and they didn't know how to tell him that in Spanish.

Friend: So did you tell him?

Me: No. Fuck that. I don't have anywhere near that much holiday spirit.

Handle for your heart, let's go home

Not all people who think they're going to be doctors make it into medical school. You should be grateful for that. I've finished grading my lab final, and have decided to give you a few reasons to feel that way. Here are the correct answers to some of the questions, coupled with some of my students' responses given in the following format: Correct Answer/They Wrote.

Below/Above
I don't know about you, but I'd like for my doctors to know the difference between these two things.

Left Atrium/Right Ventricle
As we all know, we have four chambers in our hearts. Even if you want to give this guy a pass on the left/right part of this, there's a huge difference between an atrium and a ventricle. Let's hope he never becomes an open heart surgeon.

Heart/Intestine
Even worse. Let's hope this guy doesn't become a heart surgeon either.

Diaphragm/Liver
One's a muscle that separates your abdominal and thoracic cavities. The other is an organ that detoxifies the blood. I can see it now. "We're sorry. We know your father came in for a liver transplant, but we replaced his diaphragm with the new liver instead. His blood might still get cleaned, but he'll never be able to go up an octave while singing again."

Spleen/Kidney
Another hypothetical conversation: "You're going to have to go on dialysis. You have a ruptured spleen. Let's get that sucker out of there since you only need one to survive anyway. What's that? You only have one to start with? Well I'll be doggoned. Glad you said something."

Pharynx/Ventral Nerve Cord
Let's just hope that he doesn't become a neurosurgeon.

Vagina/Bulbourethral Gland
Since the first is found in females, and the second is found in males, I can only assume that this guy is gay.

Cervix/Digestive Gland
When your gynecologist starts fiddling around with your digestive gland (which you don't have* because you're not a crayfish, grasshopper or starfish) it might be time to worry.

Ovary/Vas Deferens
When you're a female and your doctor tries to give you a vasectomy, it also might be cause for concern.

Granted, most of these were from a fetal pig dissection, and not a human (we don't have enough hookers and vagrants around campus to start doing that - at least not without someone noticing), but the anatomies are very similar, and if you're that far off now, I'm glad to do my part to keep you out of med school. The rest of you can thank me later. By sending Christmas presents.






*Ok, you do have some, but they have other names. Like Pancreas.

Just a face in the crowd

Cashier*: You look like you've got a face that's on TV.

Me: Is that so?

Cashier: Yeah. Have you ever been on TV?

Me: No.

Cashier: Are you sure? Not even in a commercial.

Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've never been on TV.

Cashier: That's weird because I swear I've seen you before.

Me: Maybe you're confusing me with who everyone says I look like.

Cashier: Who do people say you look like?

Me: Bill Clinton.

Cashier: Who's that?

Me: Our former president.

Cashier: Oh.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the people of Las Vegas, Nevada.





*This actually happened a month or so ago, but apparently I never got around to blogging about it. Until now.

Milkin' the turkey

I didn't wear a short skirt, or expose my cleavage or midriff at Mr M's parent-teacher conference. I didn't meet any hot moms either. Oh well. It was still worth it when his teacher showed me the picture Mr M drew for Thanksgiving.



That would be him. Killing a turkey. With a bow and arrow.

I don't know whether to be amused, or afraid.

Stacy, can I come over after school? We can hang around by the pool.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Mr M's school for a parent-teacher conference. Friday he brought home a note from his teacher. It read:

"Appropriate Dress Attire For Parent Volunteers/Visitors
When volunteering/visiting at [School's Name], parents are expected to wear attire that reflects the boundaries outlined in the [School's] Dress Regulation for students. We ask that parents do not wear spaghetti straps, shorts or skirts that are shorter than fingertip length, or clothing that exposes the midriff and/or the chest area."

The fact that they send this note home tells me they've had trouble with parents showing up in inappropriate attire. This being Vegas, I can only assume there are strippers with children at the school. Seriously, I have got to meet some of the other students' mothers.

It's a small world after all

The reasons why I am simultaneously the world's best and the world's worst dad:

Tortellini is in Disneyland for the weekend.

Togers and Mr M are not.

You say, I like what you say, I like what you say

I'm taking a page out of the Book of Troll for today's post. I need to poll you guys in order to see what the general consensus is on three very important questions.

1) What is the proper etiquette when you're sitting in a public restroom stall, taking a dump, and someone else walks in?
a) It makes no difference. You go ahead and finish, wipe, and leave the stall to wash your hands.
b) You pause, and wait for them to leave the restroom before dropping the rest of the kids off at the pool.
c) You make as much noise as possible, grunting and farting loudly, in an attempt to scare them off.
d) You finish, and wipe, but wait until they leave before exiting the stall.
e) It depends on how far along you are in the dumpage when they walk in.


2) Is it possible to be Jewish and a Quaker?
a) Yes
b) No
c) It depends


3) Let's say that hypothetically you'd let your laundry pile up long enough that you had no more clean underwear. Do you
a) put off going about your day until you've done some laundry?
b) put on a pair of dirty underwear and go about your day?
c) go commando long enough to run to the store and buy some more underwear?
d) go commando for the entire day, but make sure to do laundry when you get home?
e) go commando for the rest of your life, because who wears underwear anyway?


Your input is greatly appreciated.

I'm coming up only to hold you under

Today my students took their lab final. I don't let them in the room beforehand for obvious reasons, so I stood out in the hall with them to answer any last minute questions. Five students were lined up against the wall. All five were wearing black. Coincidentally, so was I.

Me: Looks like you guys are all on your way to a funeral.

Student: You're wearing black too.

Me: That's because I'm at a funeral.

Student: True. You're standing where hopes and dreams go to die.

He must not have been feeling overly confident.

Before you point your finger you should know that I'm the man

My Brother: I have to run to the store real quick. Come with me.

Me: Ok. Let me grab my sweatshirt.

17 Year Old Niece: Hey! Where are you going?

Me: I'm going with your dad.

Niece: Can I come?

Me: No. We're doing some male bonding.

Niece: I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

Me: Alright. I shouldn't tell you this, but your dad and I are going to get a Thai hooker.

Niece: Good luck finding one of those. This is Utah, not Vegas.

Me: They're around. You just need to know where to look.

Hey Santa Claus! Where have you been?

Yesterday I drove down Main Street in my parents' town, and saw Santa Claus by the Post Office. I drove home and asked Mr M if he wanted to go sit on Santa's lap to tell him what he wanted for Christmas.

"No. I already wrote him a letter. He already knows what I want."

"He's also giving out candy. Do you want to go get free candy?"

"No! I don't want to sit on Santa's lap."

So, I had my youngest sister, my niece, and my two older kids get in the car so they could sit on Santa's lap. I dropped them off, and decided I'd go back to my parents' to get the younger kids that were still there.

I pulled up to the house, and all the younger boys were playing in the front yard. I told them to get in the car and I was going to take them to see Santa. They all got really excited. Except for Mr M.

"I said I don't want to go."

"I know. But you're going. Get in the car."

He did.

I told my nephews to be thinking about what they wanted to ask Santa to bring them for Christmas. They talked excitedly about what was appropriate to ask for and what wasn't.

"Can we ask him for money?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should think of something else. Like some kind of toy."

"Can we ask for Bakugan cards?"

"What? Baklava?"

"NO! Bakugan cards. They have little balls that open into some little Bakugan things."

"Ok. Ask him for those."

We pulled up to the curb only to see that Santa was no longer sitting there. In the amount of time it took me to go back and get the boys, he'd packed up shop. I had to tell the boys that we were too late. They were all disappointed and let out a collective "Aughhhh!"

Except Mr M. He yelled out, "YES!" and pumped his fist in the air.

The kid did NOT want to see Santa.

Can you imagine the clones at war with the 'bots?

The people in my research group meet every Friday to discuss a recent journal article pertaining to the research we do. A few weeks ago our class was cancelled because most everyone was going to be out of town, so the grad student who was assigned to lead the discussion postponed her paper for a couple weeks. Her paper was to be on a study that used the entire mitochondrial genome to examine population structure of woolly mammoths. Once class was cancelled for the week, I decided to put off reading it until the week that we were going to discuss it.

The following week, another grad student (who studies birds) was having some difficulty settling on a paper, so called me to see if I had any suggestions. She mentioned that she wanted to have us read a paper that used the entire mitochondrial genome to address similar questions with bears. All I could remember was the journal and the complete mitochondrial genome part, so told her I thought that was the one the other grad student had already picked, so she decided to go with a different paper instead. It turned out that I was wrong, so the following email exchange went over our listserv.

Student 2: Hi. Sorry it's late, I wanted to do the bear papers but [Minnow] said [Student 1] was going to do, so found something else.

Student 1: What bear paper??? Unless bear = mammoth...

Advisor: Bears, Mammoths...all the same to bird people...

Student 3: Or fish people...

Me: You mean bears aren't mammoths? I thought they were the same species. My bad.

Student 4: When I read the email I assumed there must have been a new statistical phylogeography study on bears; that concluded mammoths were in fact nested in with the bears. [Minnow] confirmed to me that he knows mammoths aren't bears.

When we finally got around to discussing the mammoth paper, we ended with a discussion about the possibility of cloning a mammoth. One of the professors had this to say afterward: "Cloning a mammoth. That's not interesting. Cloning a Neanderthal, now that's interesting. Maybe we could clone eleven of them and see if they could play football. I'd pay to watch that."

So now we have a practical application and wouldn't be cloning Neanderthals just to see if it could be done.

Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'

Today I drove to my parents' house for the holiday weekend. We got a later start than we wanted, so I ended up stopping at a Wendy's about an hour away from there to feed my kids. Once we got back in the car and headed a few miles down the road I had the following conversation with my daughter:

Tortellini: It's good that we're not eating chicken tomorrow.

Me: Why's that?

Tortellini: Because it makes me sick.

Me: If that's the case, then why did you just order a chicken sandwich? Retard!

Tortellini: Um, because it looked good?

Did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise, am I just too stupid to realize?

Now it's time to share some tips on how to write, as given to me by my advisor:

"Simplification is always good. You should assume* that the people who are reading your work are stupider than you."

I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.








*And people wonder why scientists tend to be arrogant. With training like that, how can we help it?

On a rainy Monday

Me: This morning I told Mr M that he needed to take a jacket with him to school. He didn't want to, but I told him just to keep it in his backpack just in case he wanted it later. Then, when I dropped him off he put his backpack against the wall and ran to play with his classmates. About halfway there he turned around, went back and got the jacket out and put it on.

Friend: That's kind of funny.

Me: I keep telling Tortellini and Togers to check the weather before going to school, but they don't seem to want to listen to me.

Friend: Why? What do they wear to school?

Me: Tortellini usually goes wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Togers has been going in shorts and t-shirts every day. Neither of them take jackets. Temperatures are supposed to drop this week, and I just know they're going to be stuck walking home in the cold on the first day that happens.

Friend: Yeah, later in the week the highs are supposed to be in the fifties, with a fifty percent chance of . . .

[Just then a girl with enormous breasts passed by us.]

Friend (finishing his sentence without missing a beat): . . . warm milk.

Nacho nacho man, I wanna be a nacho man

Mr M: I love you Dad.

Me: I love you too, Kiddo.

Mr M: Do you love nachos too?

Me: I do love nachos.

Mr M: Which do you love more, me, or nachos?

Me: Uh, I'm going to have to go with nachos.

Mr M: I love you infinity more than nachos.

Me: That's sweet, but for me it's the reverse. I love nachos infinitely more than I love you.

'Cause tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you

It's opening week for our men's basketball team, and I've been able to attend three of the four home games they've played. Students get in free, and I normally print my ticket beforehand, but yesterday the free ticket option didn't show up in my online account, so I figured I'd just let them scan my card at the gate as they've done in the past.

At the foot of the stairs below the student entrance there were some ladies who were frisking people. I find the whole routine rather ridiculous, because it still wouldn't be that hard to sneak something in, so I was thinking "Here we go again," and must have been smiling to myself as I approached. The woman looked at me and said, "Step on up here. You know you're going to enjoy this." Then she frisked me. She was more thorough than most, and when she finished she said, "You could go ahead and stand here all night."

I laughed and headed up the stairs.

However, when I gave the ticket lady my card she said, "Oh. I'm sorry, but you have to go downstairs and get a ticket first. I can't scan this anymore. And just so you know, that's how it'll be for all the games so you'll want to make sure you get a ticket beforehand from here on out."

I'm guessing this new policy has to do with some of the recurring problems they had last season where the card reader wouldn't recognize a lot of graduate students as full time. Not a big deal. I went downstairs, got my ticket, and ended up going back through the same woman to be frisked again. She gave me a puzzled look so I said, "I liked it so much the first time, I thought I'd come back for more."

I could still hear her laughing when I was at the top of the stairs.

All I want is to be a happy man

While at a sushi restaurant the other night, I realized that there are things I'm going to miss when I move away from Vegas. Luckily, my friend had his camera phone out, so I made* him sneak a few pictures. Here they are. See if you can guess what things I'll miss the most. I'll give you a hint: It won't be the menus, or the table.









*Because I'm creepy like that**.

**But also so I could share with you.

Are you a lucky little lady in the city of light?

I was talking with a couple of guys I work with, and we came up with a new system that married men can use to rank women. I've taken the liberty to assign each level a letter grade.

In reverse order
Level F: Women you won't sleep with under any circumstances.

Level D: Women you might have slept with in your bachelor days if you were drunk enough.

Level C: Women you would sleep with if you weren't married.

Level B: Women you would sleep with even though you are married.

Level A: Women you would sleep with even though you are married, and your wife wouldn't get mad.


Obviously Level A women are the true cream of the crop.

It sounded like the hum of insects nesting in my hair

Me: Go comb your hair.

Mr M: I did comb my hair.

Me: Well go fix it. It looks creepy.

Mr M: I like being creepy.

She's got to be strong to fight them, so she's taking lots of vitamins

Tortellini showed me some of the drawings she's done at school. Not in art class, mind you, but in her other classes. Presumably when she's either supposed to be listening to the teacher, or working on homework.

Doodles in Science:


Doodles in Study Skills:


I'd say they're pretty good. She almost gives me and Flieswithoutwings a run for our money. Almost. I'm particularly fond of the Skittles shooting cannon in the first drawing.

And there were trees around that they kept burning burning

Professor: The landscape of the Iberian Peninsula has just been hammered through history. I mean, you had the Moors coming up from Africa and going around doing all their raping and pillaging. Then there was the Spanish Inquisition, where people were going around burning everything. Other than that, it's a really nice place to visit.

Me: It sounds like it could be a nice place to visit even with all of that. It just depends on what side of the burning, raping and pillaging you're on.

It's ok to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings

What do you suppose this guy wants to convey about himself with this vanity plate?



Is he a butcher? A rancher? Anti-vegan? Gay?

I need to know these things.

The truth will not set you free, it's ok to believe that you're not good enough

Me: Hello?

Ex-Wife: [Mr M] has something to tell you.

Me: Ok, put him on the phone.

Mr M: Dad, did you know that if you have a whole bunch of kids, and you don't want all of 'em then you can kill one?

Me: Nope. I didn't know that.

Mr M: You can. And you get to choose which one you want to kill.

Me: Wow. So which one of you guys do I want to choose?

Ex-Wife: He just rolled his eyes and handed me the phone.

School's out forever

Many of the buildings on campus require a key card in order to gain access after hours. Mine quit working Monday. That means for three days, including the holiday yesterday, I've been reliant on others to let me into the buildings where my office and labs are.

I think the University's trying to tell me that it's time to get the fuck out.

Across the desert I'll be there

Friend: How was your blind date*?

Me: You talking about last night? It was quite awkward.

Friend: Yeah, you looked horrified.

Me: Really? I thought I hid it.

Friend: You looked like someone threw a baby in the fire.

Me: I talked to her mostly because I felt obligated, but I shouldn't've**.








*It wasn't really a blind date. Rather, someone brought a girl along to a gathering in the desert*** because he wanted me to meet her, but I had no prior knowledge of that happening.

**Felt obligated that is.

***It was another good old fashioned book burning on the dry lake bed, except this time we only burned one textbook.

Don't be sorry, what's done now is done, and this is who you are

Last week I had to proctor another exam. I usually take a copy to thumb through between watching for cheaters and playing "Who's best?" My name showed up three different times on this one. Here are the questions:

The rate of transpiration DECLINES as which of the following occurs (in an evolutionary sense)?
a) as the surface to volume ratio of the leaves becomes larger.
b) as stomata become superficial (from recessed).
c) as guard cells become more common on the upper side of the leaf.
d) as the cuticle becomes thinner.
e) as the leaf produces numerous trichomes.
f) [Female Student] shall speak into the microphone on this question. And to think that [Minnow] asked me to ask her to talk, well, let us say "not clean", the nerve of this guy...


Internal fertilization might be selected for because of which of the following?
a) fewer sperm required.
b) allows mobility of the female partner.
c) creates a period of extended parental care.
d) confers immunity to female partner.
e) none of the above applies.
f) I should like to consult [Minnow] on this issue, he is a wellspring of knowledge on the subject.


Species diversity in general increases as which of the following occurs?
a) heterogeneity declines.
b) wetness declines.
c) frequency of radial symmetry increases.
d) area increases.
e) temperature decreases.
f) wherever [Minnow] has priorly tread, or so the theory goes [legend has it he has speciated fifty times if you know what I mean...]


I no longer need to wonder how certain rumors about me get spread among the ranks of undergraduates.

But my future tense is past

Yesterday I cracked open a fortune cookie, excited to see what the future had in store, but it was empty.

I thought it meant I had no future.

My friend thought it was just unfortunate.


(Thank you, thank you, we'll be here all week.)

Hey ladies in the place I'm callin' out to ya

I was recently contacted by a girl I used to have a crush on. She's been living in southern California for a few years, but said that she'd recently moved to Vegas and wanted to have dinner sometime so we could catch up. A few days later I mentioned it to one of my friends.

Friend: So are you going to have dinner with her?

Me: I don't know. Probably not. But if I do, it won't be like that.

Friend: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I used to have a thing for her, but not anymore. Although, back then I had the impression that she liked me too. She kept trying to get me to take her out to dinner, it just never happened.

Friend: You are the weirdest person when it comes to girls. If a girl even looks at me I assume she's interested. If she's asking me to dinner, she's definitely interested. Instead, I can picture you saying, "This girl just showed me her boobs. I think she might like me, but I don't know."

Me: You make a good point.


So ladies, if you're reading this, I promise that from now on if you show me your boobs, I'll assume it's because you like me.

If you're not lurking behind every curtain

Here's my list of failed Halloween costumes, and the reasons why I didn't go with them.

Pau Gasol


I'm incapable of growing a neck beard.

Bill Phelps: Michael Phelps estranged step-brother


I don't have a "good" enough body to show off, plus I'm not hung like there's a cucumber in my speedo.

Minotaur


I couldn't find a battle-ax.

Lance Armstrong


I have both of my testicles.

Pedophile Cowboy


Didn't want to have to bother with finding a molester van to drive around.

Altar Boy: First Communion


I didn't want to have to constantly look over my shoulder to make sure Pedophile Cowboy wasn't trying to stick something up my butthole*.

Trick or Treat Octopus


I couldn't find a pumpkin.






*That's especially for the anonymous comment from the other day.

Burn through the witches

This year for Halloween there were Super Heroes:


Super Villains:



And Rock Stars:


With awesome tattoos:


Stay tuned for failed costume ideas.

Do it and do it again

Silentkid: There was a guy there last night who was older than my dad. I looked over at him and should've said, "Hey, what are you doin' here?" There were only like four girls in the whole place.

Me: You should've hit on that one girl.

Silenkid: What one girl? The refreshment girl? The one I was staring at all night?

Me: I don't know. What was she wearing?

Silentkid: Something red, with a little cape.

Me: Yeah, that one.

Silentkid: She was flirting with a gay pirate.

Me: What you should've done was tapped the gay pirate on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I cut in?" and then put it in her butt.

Silentkid: Just like that.

Me: Yup. I wonder how long it'd take you to finish if you're raping someone in public.

Silentkid: That is a good question. I don't know.

Me: There's really only one way to find out.

You know I'd even learn to cut my throat if I thought I could fit in

Because I don't have anything else to write about, and because I just listened to this song last night, and because it's one of my favorite songs ever, and because it talks about vampires and slit throats and stuff, and because it's Halloween and vampires and slit throats and stuff are in fashion, and because I like writing run-on sentences, I'm just going to post the lyrics to this song today and hope you enjoy it. The end.



I could break free from the wood of a coffin if I need
But nothin's hard as gettin' free from places I've already been
I've been waste deep in the burnin' metals of my mind
In the engine
In cold December
Shootin' fire from a hose
Now turn off your lights
'Cause I'm not coming home
'Til I'm delivered for the first time

I was first born to a parade that follows in rows
Down the narrow cold black river of faceless shadows
moving slow

I would move swift when the sounds of a trumpet would blow
I've been the puppet
I've been the strings
I know the vacant face it brings

Now bells of curfew
They may ring before I'm through
But soon I'll be delivered for the first time

You might keep clean in the back of an angel motorcade
It doesn't matter who walks in you know
The joke is still the same

You'll just wake up like a disposable lover decomposed
I've been gone
I've been remembered
I've been alive
I've been a ghost

So now if downtown explodes
I'll still be on this road
'Til I'm delivered for the first time

I have drawn blood from the neckline when vampires were in fashion
You know I'd even learn to cut my throat if I thought I could fit in
'cause I once heard that you gotta learn to blend in to this mess
But nothing's hard
Nothin's precious
Nothin's smooth or flawless

Now no more amused just screaming to
Be delivered for the first time

Now I'm ten miles in the deep in the mighty blue sea
Looking back towards a long white beach burnin' up in the yellow flames

And I just wave back like a little boy up on a pony at the show
'Cause I can't fix anything this complex
Any more than I can build a rose

So just keep on letting go
'Cause I must be close
To being delivered for the first time

Now I'd rather bleed out a long stream from being lonely and feel blessed
Than drown laying face down in a puddle of respect
I was once lost in the corridors of the arena in blindfolds
I've been the bull
I've been the whip
I just bulled down a matador

So now turn on your lights
Because I'm coming home
I've been delivered for the first time

It's nothing personal, you saw to that, you're just a person who does her best work on her back

I've mentioned before how answering a question with the words "Your mom" can sometimes get a person in trouble. I don't care. I still say it because it's funny. It's one of those things I'll probably be saying when I'm 80.

That said, I recently had another instance where it could've gotten me into trouble. It didn't, but it could've.

My kids' step-dad: You get all that for the low, low price of twenty-five cents.

Togers: Wait. What only costs twenty-five cents?

Me: Your mom.


I have to say that nothing beats implying that your ex-wife is a cheap whore in front of your children**, your ex-wife and her husband, and getting laughs from everybody.






*This just happens to be the song stuck in my head right now, so it's not meant to be a statement about my ex.

**Not that they'd understand the implication.

You know that dying is fine but maybe I wouldn't like death if death were good

This week the students are dissecting starfish. I explained to them that the easiest way to do things was to forget the scalpel and just use scissors. Later, one of them drew this on the board:



Awesome! Poor Patrick Star doesn't even know what's coming.

In a later lab, a student was digging around in the bucket trying to get the last starfish out. Instead, he dropped the tongs into a bucketful of preservative and starfish juice. He didn't want to fish the tongs out because he said it was too gross. I told the rest of the class that it was close to Halloween anyway, so the rest of them were going to have to bob for starfish. Oddly enough, that didn't get the party started.

You're a rocket queen oh yeah, I might be too much but honey you're a bit obscene

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday, and dressed up as Axl Rose. I took the wig, bandana and hat off as soon as I got in my car to leave, and left them there when I got home.

Sunday I took my kids for a drive out to Hoover Dam. As we came back into town we stopped to get some dinner. The kids thought it'd be funny to each take one item and wear it into the restaurant: Tortellini donned the wig, Togers put on the hat, and Mr M was left with the bandana, but he didn't want to wear it.

"No, [Togers]. I wanna wear the gay cop hat."

They all traded items so that Tortellini wore the bandana, Togers wore the wig, and Mr M wore the "gay cop hat". Everybody seemed happy with the new arrangement. It might be time to start worrying about the boys.

Livin' it up while I'm going down

I went to the library earlier this week. As I walked up to the door I saw a tall blonde with an excellent body. She was dressed in the sort of clothes that strippers wear on their day off. You know the outfit, the tight sweat suit sort of things where the pants are riding a little low and the top shows their midriff. I hate it when fat girls wear those things, but luckily, this girl wasn't fat, so I didn't have to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

I walked in behind her, and we both went to the elevator, which was cool because I got to check her out the entire time without looking like a creep because that's where I was going anyway. Well, maybe I did look like a creep, but I don't care, because I am a creep, but the main point is that she didn't see me looking like a creep. Or so I thought.

The elevator doors opened, and we both got in. She walked to the back of the elevator, and I turned and punched the button for the fifth floor. There were more people getting in behind me, so I also stepped to the back of the elevator. As I took my first step, a hand reached out and smacked me in the middle of my chest. It was the stripper looking girl.

I was stunned. Not by the fact that she hit me hard, but I was trying to figure out how she possibly could have seen me checking her out. It was impossible. I was out of her line of sight the entire time. As my mind raced to try to think of something to say or do I heard her say, "Hey, how are you?"

For the first time I looked at her face. She was a former student of mine, she just looked different because she'd gone and gotten herself some bleached hair and a boob job.

You'd think that'd be enough to make me change my ways, but it won't.

I tell you what mathematically I'm having it, I want to live on science alone

Do you ever have those days where you wonder why you chose your profession? I had one of those yesterday as I was trying to make it through a paper describing a computer program that looks like it'll do something I've been trying to figure out for a while now.

Here's an exerpt:

The goal is, therefore, to determine for each i from 1 to n such λ(i, z_i, k_i), where z_i = 1 or 2 and 0≤k_i≤K_max, that the resulting solution has the maximum V. In order to do it, we estimate for each λ(i, z_i, k_i) the maximum V of all the solutions containing that configuration. For any a_i in F consider strings F' =a₁a₂…a_i and F" = a_ia_i+1…a_n. For each λ(i, z_i, k_i) denote the maximum V of all the aligned solutions of F' that end with λ(i, z_i, k_i) as P(i, z_i, k_i). Denote the maximum V of all the aligned solutions of F" that begin with λ(i, z_i, k_i) as Q(i, z_i, k_i). Let for a particular λ(i, z_i, k_i) the sum of the corresponding P and Q be the maximum of all aligned configurations at i. In that case, the maximum V of all the solutions of F containing λ(i, z_i, k_i) equals the maximum V of any solutions of F.

And on it went, just like that, for another six pages. I didn't understand any of it. I showed it to my advisor and he said something like, "Well, with that many equations, it must be right."

Words to live by.

No I wouldn't be a liar if I told you that

Student: How can you trust a liar that say's he's not lying?

Me: You can't.

Student: That's the paradox.

Me: Exactly. Because even if he says he is lying, he might not be, in which case he is.

Student: You're making my head hurt.

Me: That's because I just blew your mind.

You can go ahead and get married and this'll be our secret thing

I attended the most ridiculous wedding ever over the weekend. I wish that words could do it justice, but there's no possible way that they can. Regardless, here are some highlights of the day:

- Two Elvis impersonators sang at the wedding ceremony, which in turn was held in a Vegas wedding chapel.

- The "limo" that transported everyone from the hotel to the chapel and back had not one, but two, stripper poles. They were put to use.

- A real live porn actress was in attendance. She looked like she had a lot of miles on her, but I still would've. Well, except for two things: 1) I ain't got no game, and 2) two of my sisters were there. It was probably more 1 than 2.

- A tour bus slowed to a nearly complete stop so its passengers could take pictures of us while we were taking pictures of ourselves at the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign.

- Someone pointed out that I looked "like a young Bill Clinton" and the bride promptly offered to be my Monica. I said, "Finally, having Bill Clinton as a doppelganger has paid off. Does anyone have a cigar?" Then I apologized to the groom. He said it was unnecessary.

- I overheard someone say, "It's not incest if you only think about it."

- Everyone was told to wear gaudy Vegas attire, so several people, myself included, wore outfits purchased at a store called 'Players' although it could just as easily have been called 'Pimps'. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself:




I wish I could post more pictures, but I don't know how the others would feel about it.

Bringing with them messages of love and everywhere they go love will grow

Overheard this week

Woman: Who is that?

Man: That's your niece

Woman: It is? Oh. I didn't know.

Man: You're a fucking cunt.

Woman (to what I assume was her significant other): See? My brother just called me a fucking cunt, and I don't even care.

Woman (to what I assume were her parents): I called him [motions to significant other] a dickhead the other day and he got all pissed off.

My flying saucer where can you be since that sad night that you sailed away from me

Me (answering the phone): Hello?

Ex-Wife: [Mr M] is crying. Can you please talk to him?

Me: Sure. What's he crying about?

Ex-Wife: He's upset because E.T. went home.


Nevermind the fact that he's a few decades behind the times, I may have to go smack the kid around some to toughen him up a bit.

And who built the house of brotherly love, then let the devil come dancin' in?

Just when I think I've seen it all, I come across something like this:



Finally! A porn site for God fearing folks.

Wild sex in the working class

Friend: Are you planning on going to Mexico for the [meeting] in January?

Me: I'd kind of like to go, but I don't think I can afford it.

Friend: What do you mean you can't afford it? There are grants you can apply for, so it wouldn't cost you anything. And, if you ever want to visit Mexico, this would be the place to visit.

Me: The grants aren't going to cover everything. But, after the meeting we could go down to the vacation spot a few miles away and hit on all the girls who are there.

Friend: Wait, you want vacation sex?

Me: Sure. Why not?

Friend: We live in the capital of vacation sex. If that's all you want, there's no need to go all the way to Mexico.


Sounds like I need to start spending some more time hanging out on The Strip.

Ain't no tellin' when I'm down for a jack move

This = Hilarious

Meet the creeper

This picture illustrates why my kids are awesome:



I'm not even sure which one drew it, but my guess would be Tortellini. However, her handwriting is usually better than that, so it could've been Togers. Either way, it cracked me up.

She's got hands like a mans with hair on the back, she'll crush you in her embrace

I have a friend who is preparing to take his comprehensive exam. He's sworn off alcohol from now until he takes them so that he can maximize productivity, even on weekends. He will, however, still come hang out with us because he's got about a month between now and then and outright panic hasn't set in yet. Last night we were hanging out, but the place we were at was pretty dead so there was talk about going elsewhere.

Friend 1: Let's get out of here.
Friend 2: Ok, but where should we go?
Friend 1: I don't know. Anywhere but here. This place is dead.
Friend 2: Want to go to the trannie bar?
Friend 1: I don't know. Do they serve O'Doul's there?
Friend 3: Wait. He wants to go to a trannie bar, and your biggest concern is whether or not they have O'Doul's? I think there are larger issues at stake.

I guess some people just have different priorities than others.

Adam took the apple I was not involved, I'm not responsible for how lost we are

If you needed confirmation that my mind is, in fact, always in the gutter, I'll go ahead and confirm that now. Take this drawing for example. I draw and label it every semester when we get to the lab that deals with flowering plants. It illustrates the different tissue layers of a fruit.



But this is what I always think of when I'm drawing it. I just don't label it this way.



Maybe I just need an art class.


[Note: Some of my students feel the same way. It was their suggestion that I draw a better stem (the one pictured here) to avoid such comparisons.]

Party, party with the animals, party

Nooooooo!!! This just ruined my day. If not my life.

If ever there was a time for a bail-out, now would be it.

Today the retard speaks to me and now I have it all

Me: Let's just say that I don't think Sarah Palin's Down's Syndrome son is the only one in that family that's retarded.

Guy: I have a sister with Down's Syndrome.

Me: No you don't. Really?

Guy: Yeah. Really.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Beyond the point of ever turning back

And you guys thought I was a supporter:

The clowns of death are marching

Me: Have fun at your nephew's birthday party.

Friend: I will.

Me: Don't punch any clowns.

Friend: I'm going to donkey punch a clown.

Purple toupee and gold lamé will turn your brain around

Ex-Wife: [Mr M], did you cut your hair?

Mr M: No.

Ex-Wife (pointing): Then why is your hair shorter right here?

Mr M: Maybe I was walking when it was windy, and something sharp blew across it.

Ex-Wife: Or maybe you cut it.

Mr M: You don't have any evidence for that.

Keep on rockin' in the free world

Forget McCain and Palin. Forget Obama and Biden. I'm voting for this guy!

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, And my penis was missing again

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the most phallic plant root model ever created:



Photo taken by [Ginger] and texted to me with the subject line: Penis or root tip?

Prettiest girl in the whole wide room

While proctoring exams my friends and I usually like to play a little game called 'Who's Best?' This is when you must find the girl you think is prettiest, and point her out to the other guys who are helping proctor. (And you thought we were watching for cheaters - Ha!)

I approached my friend as the exam was winding down and only a fifth of the students were left. I told him it was time to play round two. He said, "That's funny. I was just going to tell you we were going to play 'Who's Left?'"

It's a great game, and it gets more difficult as time goes on. Pretty soon you're forced to choose between some very ugly girls.

Besides I don't wanna be the one who's coming out first

I found out yesterday that one of my former students thinks I'm gay. He was talking to a gay guy I know, and told him that I set off his gaydar. I think he needs to take his gaydar in for a tune up if that's the case.

I told another friend about that while he and I were proctoring an exam. We had this conversation when we finished:

Friend: I'll see you later.
Me: At trivia.
Friend: Did you really feel the need to clarify?
Me: Well, yeah, since apparently I set off people's gaydar.
Other Proctor: In that case, you should've said something different than "at trivia", because that doesn't necessarily say you're not gay.

The other proctor had a valid point. Here are some things I could've said instead:

See you later . . .

. . . at the football game.
. . . at the gun show.
. . . at the rattlesnake round-up.
. . . at the demolition derby.
. . . at the ultimate fighting cage match.
. . . at the bear hunt.